I didn't want to post too much here since I'm reading more and talking less. For anyone interested, I'm blogging all my stuff on my site

this way if you want to read it you can, if not it's not here taking up space.

http://www.skinnyrenee.com

I'm doing the same. I don't have the energy for both!

Cool,

I intend on reading your blog! I have a journal I've been doing since I was 13, so I have about 15 of those lol. I started a separate one once I got the sleeve done so now I try to write on here and my journals. I feel like I'm doing alot but I love writing. I'm looking forward to reading your blog!!!

Wow! I was looking at your blog and it is great!! It is definitely going to help many people, but in the end it will help you the most. The best part is being able to look back and see how your way of thinking changed...oh and also how you dropped so much weight!!

Best of luck!!

To me it's about becoming healthy. I don't care really about how thin I get, in fact I'd still like a little flesh on me to fall back on if I ever get sick. I want to be the absolute best I can be and I'd love to be able to get off all these meds! Thanks for all the encouragement!

xoxo

Renee`

Surgery date May 25 with Dr. Aceves! I can't WAIT to get there and get on the road to HEALTH and longevity!

I don't care if I'm pudgy or not as long as I'm healthy...that's my goal

Renee`

Ok guys, I couldn't figure out where to put this so I'll put it here. I totally went off on Laney tonight and I got off the computer and went to take a hot bath. While in there I thought and thought about my reply and my knee jerk reaction and being something that is totally out of character for me, a total bitch. Ok well I can be one, but it normally takes alot, normally I just get hurt feelings and walk away with no one the wiser.

I was seriously angry and felt like I took it out on her. I checked my email and low and behold, an email from her. *groans* oh great, she's totally going to rip into me and I totally deserve it...no. Laney isn't like that apparently, my words hit home with her and she thanked me. HUH?! I felt horrible for lashing out at her and then even WORSE because she's so sweet!

If anyone here reads my blog, I've lashed out a few times this past week and I believe it has to do with alot of different things. Number one being that I'm going into this surgery from a totally different perspective, it's not to be skinny, it's because I quite literally want my life back. I have been so sick for so long that any chance, no matter how remote it is, to have a shot at being normal again I will do it. I would walk through hot coals at this chance and it took so much for me to get here. Let me digress just a bit...

Last week I was up at Asias' house with she and the kids (yes, some of you may have heard of her, in fact alot of you may have). She was looking into the land that I have to sell and found out it was worth virtually nothing. I was devastated and sobbing because that land represented to me my life back, it's the only thing I have with any value. In a weird way, it represented my life and when she told me the bad news I just sat outside and cried and cried. Her kids are so sweet and tried to cheer me up, little Devin "Nee`...don't cry! HUG!" and Catty so intelligent as she hugged me "I know you're sick Nee` but you'll get better!" I've blogged about all of this, so I'm sorry to repeat it here, but it gives a bit of background so you see where I'm coming from.

When I went inside, Asia was busy at her computer and filling out this form thing, asking me all these questions and I wanted to smack her when I found out it was for GiveForward.com. Who cares if I'm fat, right? Well, alot more than I realized. Even though I didn't have internet for two years and was pretty much in my bed all the time, my old friends rallied around me either with virtual hugs or donations. Finally I had enough money to do it. In less than a week actually I had the money. So, my emotions have been from one extreme to the other all week long.

I'm determined to get my life back and if not that, to be the best I possibly can. Yes, for me because I deserve it after all these years of being in so much pain damnit!, but also for my friends and family that thought I was worth it as well and that gave so generously to make sure I could have it done. See, I never much saw anything special about me, but they do. I've always just been a mom, raising my kids and doing animal rescue (mostly reptiles) and finally starting a business with my daughter. We had to stop the business because I got sick, but I'm determined to get it back. I want it ALL because I've seen how bleak life can be. I've been the one in bed while listening to my family laugh and play around together in another part of the house. I've been the one that crawls to the bathroom because the pain made it impossible to walk. On the other hand, I've been the wife and mom and friend that people turned to when everyone else had abandoned them because I never judged them. I made people laugh when they were crying, I held a hand or gave a shoulder to cry on.

I'm not trying to tell you how wonderful I am (I think we can all see that j/k LOL!) I'm trying to tell you that even while in bed I could make a difference and I never knew it. It never dawned on me that I could be special to anyone or worth it to really try to live again. Now that I know what I want and I am so close I can hardly stand it I want it even more.

I blogged recently about how it makes me so angry to see "STALL!" or "EXCESS SKIN!" and I get it, I know why and I still lashed out at a few of you and for that I'm sorry. Who knows, maybe I'll get to that point as well, I haven't walked in those shoes yet and I totally judged you and for that I apologize sincerely. Please now try mine on for size, I am fighting with everything I have in me to get what could possibly be only a very small percent of my life back and going into it with eyes wide open and knowing about the excess skin thing. I don't CARE about that right now. I care about the quality of my life. I care about being around to watch my kids marry and have kids of their own. I care about so many things that have nothing at all to do with excess skin or what the scale says. In fact, I threw mine away when I found out I would be having the surgery. Numbers don't mean shit to me, how I feel will be everything to me. I will update my weight whenever I go to the dr, which is twice a month to my Rheumatologist. Other than that, I could care less about what the scale says.

I'm trying to understand that there are some people that want to be skinny because they never have been in their entire life, or how emotionally they don't feel as good as they could and they had the money or the insurance and said "why not?". I get it, I'm not judging anyone for that if that's the case but it took me a minute to put aside the anger and frustration and think about how it would feel to be someone else and walk in their shoes. To never have been thin and have the money to do it, I may just opt for a whole body make-over. I'm not at that point in my life, I'm past it. I've been married for over 20 years, I'm 41 years old and the youngest of my kids is 18, so while I haven't always been thin I was at an ok with myself 145 or so. Still chunky, but by no means obese like I am now. So I get it, I can see where some people are coming from and I'll try not to let "Evil Renee" out to play anymore.

I'm truly sorry if I hurt anyones feelings or lashed out at you and left you totally befuddled. I'm coming from a different mindset and I'm trying to remember what it's like to *not* be me.

Laney, I meant it, if you ever need me I'm here for you!

Renee`

Updated my blog. Shitty last couple days and my mood has declined from being upset and angry to pissed off and wanting to beat the crap out of someone. This is a totally sh!t time in my life and I'm trying to stay positive for upcoming surgery and get as healthy as possible before hand.

Cliff notes on my blog: My husbands close friend committed suicide and we're struggling to deal with that here at home.

In reality, what I'm screaming in my head right now is keep your nasty snide comments TO YOURSELF and leave me alone unless you have something positive to say.

Renee`

Renee',

I feel you and I hear where you are coming from. I want you to hear about my "story" so you know that I know where you are coming from.

I would have loved to be thin like my sisters growing up but that was not my lot in life. I was my Mom's daughter to the bone lol. She had two skinny babies before me and then I came along and she was carrying around this bubble cheeked baby that had the all the little rolls and loved every minute of it. She had three more skinny babies, 2 girls and a boy. I have been obese my entire life. Basically a very well proportioned woman and always carried my weight well, even at my biggest of 280+ in my 20's. I think it bothered me more when I was a teen ager more than anytime in my life but hey, I had my fair share of boy friends and had my sisters who always had my back. So basically realitively happy and amazingly healthy up til i was 29.

At 29 my hubby and I got pregnant. Then all hell broke loose. Let me say right here and now that I love my boy more than life itself and wouldn't change anything I have done to have him. He is my joy and my pride and one of the sweetest boys you could imagine. I think my husband and I did a great job raising him so far. We have never been pregnant since so I know my choice was the right one. When it was confirmed that I was pregnant of course like every other woman I got everything checked. I was diagnosed with T2 Diabeties, cervicle cancer, and found a tumor on my left ovary. The Doc said that if I had other children she would suggest an abortion. I told her right then and there that was not an option. I do beleive in choice but that was not a choice for me. My thoughts were I am 29, never had a scare, never was pregnant before this and I am having this baby come hell or high Water. I truly believed that I was meant to be his mother, lol I even knew from day one that the baby was a boy. My husband was petrified for me and was scared of losing me. He wanted what was going to make me healty.

So, lets take care of business and figure out how to deal with all this.

Week 6 of pregnancy was put in the hospital to deal with and learn the ins and outs of the diabeties. Done.

Week 1 of my second trimester, the hospital again for sugery to remove the tumor because it was growing out of control because of the hormones etc. Done.

Through out the pregnancy saw an oncologist to monitor the cancer and it stayed in control for the most part. Nothing we could do while I was preggers.

August 19, 1997, had my beautiful baby boy via c-section. 8lbs 2oz 21 inches long. Done.

3 months after my son was born back to the hospital for another surgery to remove 3/4's of my cervix. Done. Cancer free for almost 14 years now.

I should be ok, but I have never been able to get the diabeties under control since the pregnancy. Have had my gall bladder removed, had several bouts with pancreantitus due to a hereditary malfunction with my tryglicerides seems they are abnormally high and without medication they will go into the thousands. The first bout with pancreantitus they were almost 7000. I was diagnosed with hyper tension and high cholesterol as well.

I am 44 now and pre VSG I was taking 20 pills a day for all my conditions and lost any sense of what "normal" felt like. Nothing felt good, everything felt bad. Whether it was from aches and pains, mentally lethargic or just plain tired of all the BS and side effects of all the medications. The last straw was that my kidneys were being affected now and had to see a nephrologist on a consistant basis and had to get a biopsy to see how much damage had been done. Luckily there was some but not so much that it would hurt me right now.

I have a collegue that I have known for the past 15 years and watched him down slide from his diabeties, lost part of his foot, was going blind and went on dialysis. Scared me to say the least. Another collegue, I know had just recently had the RNY and when she came back to work we talked about it, she wasn't diabetic anymore or hypertensive and her cholesterol was in good standing. These two things right next to each othter made me do the research and here I am 2 weeks post op from my VSG. So far I went from 20 to 10 to 6 pills daily, my diabeties haven't exceeded 120 in th past 4 or 5 days and have been as low as 75. My doc suspects that if things progress like this I should be off the 1 diabetic pill within the next couple of months. My blood pressure is stabalizing and we'll see in a couple of weeks how the other numbers are after my month post op visit.

I did the surgery to help my health and stay alive, and hopefully get rid of some of my conditions, the weight loss, well thats just a happy side effect

On the way home from the docs today, I grabbed my hubby's hand and kissed it, I was crying because for the first time in about 14 years I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know I will know what normal feels like again. I know that I will live to see my grandchildren and grow old with my husband.

I feel you and I hear you, Renee', you are not alone. I get pissed too when I hear the trivial sounding thoughts of others too, but then I take a step back and think, I don't know their whole story, so let them be. You will get healthy and this surgery will be the first step towards that goal.

Wow, this turned out to be a long one and I started crying while writing it. I hope you and anyone else will walk away from this thinking that we all can become heathy or even just a little bit healthier in the end.

Raine

Raine thank you so much for sharing. It's good therapy, I think, to share and know that you're not alone. It's been a rough couple of weeks and my emotions are all over the place for some reason. I can't wait to get my surgery out of the way and on to a new life.

Thanks so much Raine *hugs* I know all about the tears. Everything people say to me right now sends me into a tailspin and reaching for the tissues. Emotional time for all right now I guess.

Renee`

Renee,

Thanks for sharing your story. You're a very strong woman and you've gone through so much. All the losses, and setbacks, and pain are very familiar. You deserve to be healthy and I'm so excited for you!

Erin

Seriously thank you Erin and to all that have read my blog, emailed and commented. Support right now means everything to me!!!

Renee`