Hi all,

I haven't been on for a long time and before that I was a newbie. Proud to say that in the middle of personal crisis for the last 6 months which includes my first separation from my husband (married 9 years) I have booked my date! My surgery is July 8th...I'm beyond excited and really not nervous or trying to talk myself out of it...I think because I never really do anything for me.

Anyway, hubby and I are trying to work it out but he is very jealous of me at my current weight (258)...I am worried how he will respond to the weightloss.

I would value and appreciate all feedback... anyone else experience this? I have always tried to make him feel secure and loved. So I am stumped! Thanks...Have a great day!

Hi, I'm scheduled for June 26th and have found that while my husband is supportive to an extent (says he does't want me going to Mexico for surgery) - he keeps making comments like "what if I don't want you when you get thinner" "you better not lose your T & A" "I like you just the way you are"...blah, blah,blah, I think he is jealous and insecure a bit that I may leave him if I have higher self-esteem, he would NEVER admit this but I'm also very successful professionally (he is too in his own right but revenue wise I'm pretty up there).... What I keep doing is telling him that I NEED to do this FOR ME. Not only for aesthetic purposes, but my feet hurt all the time, I have high cholestoral, etc. I want to be able to go out in public and not be embarassed, walk without pain, etc....

You might want to explain to him that you are doing this so you can be healthy and live longer to enjoy a longer life together. I told my husband that I wanted the lapband before I started getting obesity complications and not live as long.

Sharon

My dh didn't have problems with it. He knows that I am a happier person when I am down in my weight. Less tired and more playful.

I think that you can't worry about him so much. You have to focus on your health. He will not be more secure until you are thinner and sees that he has nothing to fear regarding your weightloss. Until then, you may be talking until you are blue in the face trying to convince him and not get too far...

Good luck!! I hope you guys can work it out...

I told my DH that I wanted to go out with him and have him proud to have me on his arm. Needless to say, he tells me that he is proud of me already (good answer). So now I tell him that I want him to be able to gloat because I am on HIS arm.

My husband is 38, almost 39. I tell him that, when he starts to go through his mid-life crisis and is looking for a "hottie," I'm going to be that hottie for him. He can have an affair with me.

Seriously, though, every now and then, he'll pat my rear end and say "Pretty soon, it's going to be all gone and I'll be snuggling up to bones." So I know he worries a bit...but he also wants me to be happy and healthy.

I think that, with so much else in marriage, you have to communicate with each other, offer reassurances, and then communicate some more. Significant weight loss can create so pretty major changes in a relationship...but you have to be determined to weather them with your marriage intact.

Keep the faith and thoughts on yourself. He will have to get use to the new you after you lose all your weight. If you love him then tell him so and that you want to save your marriage. That may take some marriage counseling but in the end it is worth it. Good luck.

Insecurities and fear can often present themselves behind a mask of jealousy and often end up seeming heartless, cold and selfish. I salute those who care enough to see behind the mask and respond with understanding and patience. Real love can remove the masks and calm the fears.

Hi Almostready76

I have been married almost 10 years, My wife has asked the questions, Will you still want me after you loose your weight? I try not to awnser her, because I am not getting the attention I deserve now, and believe me if I don't get it after the surgery, and I meet someone who treats me better, I am not sure what I will do. I do love my wife and family, but have felt ignored and lonely for years. I have never cheated,don't plan to, But I am also not going to go through life without attention.

I have told her that I am not happy with her lack of attention,and she just blows it off. She is on a med called lexapro, She blames it on that!

So after I loose the weight, It will be interesting to see what happens. I just like you am doing this so I can live longer and healther,and for myself.

I think many couples go through this after a spouce goes through a major change.

I deleted my original post because I was overtired when I wrote it and I really have no business telling anyone else how to handle their marriage. Life is a series of choices. Where we are now and where we'll end up depends on the choices we make along the way.

I hope everything works out for the best of all involved in the situations presented in this thread. Sincerely.

Hi all,

I haven't been on for a long time and before that I was a newbie. Proud to say that in the middle of personal crisis for the last 6 months which includes my first separation from my husband (married 9 years) I have booked my date! My surgery is July 8th...I'm beyond excited and really not nervous or trying to talk myself out of it...I think because I never really do anything for me.

Anyway, hubby and I are trying to work it out but he is very jealous of me at my current weight (258)...I am worried how he will respond to the weightloss.

I would value and appreciate all feedback... anyone else experience this? I have always tried to make him feel secure and loved. So I am stumped! Thanks...Have a great day!

I am now laughing at myself. I read your post "I have a date and a jealous husband" and I thought well of course you do...thinking you had a date with another man and were married.

Oh I so should not be here when I am taking this stuff. Nothing seems to be making much sense to me.

Good luck with your surgery

Dody

Mr. Yo,

I give you a lot of credit for sharing your thoughts and uncertainties here. It's nice to get male perspectives and I value "other points of views." My best male friend is in a marriage that sounds similar to yours. He makes a ton of money, has never had an affair, puts his wife and kids before himself, and finds himself stuck in the role of giver.

This man has had heart-to-heart talks with his wife and really isn't asking for much... just some alone time with his wife every now and then as well as some recognition that he's more than the financial support of the family. Things MIGHT improve for a few days but then it's back to businesss as normal.

The kids are now college age, the wife has never worked but has tons of friends and social outings, they live an upper class life-style yet his wife just never seems to put him first... or second.... Because he loves his wife and kids, he stays in the marriage. Like you, he has never had an affair. Although he has no weight issues, he is now at the point where he is looking to his life 5-10 years down the road and is not liking what he sees. He hasn't made any decisions yet but it would seem to me that if things don't improve in the husband/wife department, he'll explore alternatives.

It's admirable to express your feelings and bend over backwards to try and save something you thought would last forever but, when it's only one person giving, it's understandable why relationships fail.

Thanks for sharing the male point of view and good luck with your surgery.

My hubby has shown some concern over the past few days. But this morning he said, "I want you to have the surgery, so that you can live longer than your parents." (Which both died at age 58, two years apart.)

Told him that just prolongs his misery. Til death do us part you know!

My wife was against the surgery from the day I mentioned it to her. I was 265lbs, and needed help desparately, every night in bed she would beg me to lose weight and I would promise to start my diet the next morning. As we all know that just doesn't work for people in our situation so I chose lap band. I did all the research on my own and went thru with it without her consent (not needed of course) approval or even her ride to the hospital (my dad drove me). Now I am getting thinner I went from a 44 inch waist to a 38 (and still lowering) and I get tons of attention from other women. She wont admit it but I know she is getting nervous, now she asks me at night to help her on her diet, now she asks me what she can do to look better for me.

The surgery is life altering in many ways, you will look better feel better and enjoy life more. I recently started dressing very differently, I wear a t-shirt with an open button down shirt. I am no longer hiding my gut but rather showing off my physique. My wife sees that and tells me I am not quite a model yet and should button up my shirt. TOO BAD!