Today, again, I made a poor food choice, stopped at Panda Express, bought the fried rice, sweet/sour pork..even though I only ate about 1/2 cup total..and just the sticky sweet coating and some rice, it made me throw up..and my hiatal hernia hurt so bad I cried..this is the second time this happened with Chinese food. My body revolts with disgust but I cannot seem to get a grip on it. I have been so non-compliant since 3 mos out..because I can basically eat what I want, but I have been making bad choices..white bread, butter, jam, you name it..even though I can only eat up to 1/2 cup, my body revolts with stomach cramps..the hernia pain in my back..WTF!! I knew this wouldn't be easy, but come on..I even feel anger that I cannot eat like I used to, because I cannot self-medicate with food anymore...without severe pain, nausea and vomiting. I have tried everything, read the books on emotional eating..tried exercise, shopping, even pain medication..but isn't working..what is wrong with me??? I am looking for a bariatric counselor and yes, my surgeon has a couselor, coach that I have put an SOS email out to..is there anyone else out there that understands what I am going through and who has made it through this and has some good advice? Luckily, I haven't gained any weight..YET..I have even lost 2 lbs this week....but, it can't be healthy for me to do this to myself for very long.

I just wanted to drop in and say 'I'm so sorry this is happening to you" It must be very painful emotionally. . . it's good that you are seeking a counselor though, hopefully they will be able to help a bit . . . poor you, I can't understand what your going through nor can I say I know what your feeling, cause I don't, I just feel so bad for you and your helplessness. . .hopefully you'll get the help soon and be able to feel better . . .

Thank you for your kind words and caring response..I am really hoping that this gets better for me. Can't get any worse, right? My hiatal hernia still hurts, like phantom memory pain or something.

Today, again, I made a poor food choice, stopped at Panda Express, bought the fried rice, sweet/sour pork..even though I only ate about 1/2 cup total..and just the sticky sweet coating and some rice, it made me throw up..and my hiatal hernia hurt so bad I cried..this is the second time this happened with Chinese food. My body revolts with disgust but I cannot seem to get a grip on it. I have been so non-compliant since 3 mos out..because I can basically eat what I want, but I have been making bad choices..white bread, butter, jam, you name it..even though I can only eat up to 1/2 cup, my body revolts with stomach cramps..the hernia pain in my back..WTF!! I knew this wouldn't be easy, but come on..I even feel anger that I cannot eat like I used to, because I cannot self-medicate with food anymore...without severe pain, nausea and vomiting. I have tried everything, read the books on emotional eating..tried exercise, shopping, even pain medication..but isn't working..what is wrong with me??? I am looking for a bariatric counselor and yes, my surgeon has a couselor, coach that I have put an SOS email out to..is there anyone else out there that understands what I am going through and who has made it through this and has some good advice? Luckily, I haven't gained any weight..YET..I have even lost 2 lbs this week....but, it can't be healthy for me to do this to myself for very long.

I'm confussed....didn't you understand when you got the surgery that you will never be able to eat like you used to? That is the entire purpose of the surgery, to stop old eating habits.

It's like your rebelling against the surgery, by trying to eat things you

shouldn't. Your body is telling you it doesn't want it, and that makes you angry, because You want it. I feel for you. I'm sorry your in pain. I think a counsoler is the best thing for you. I hate to see you hurt yourself. Try to stay positive, don't let your frustration, drive you to think you are going to gain wait. Don't wish that on yourself. Hang in there, get your counseling going, and things will get better.

Your not confused..I knew what I was getting into..and your right, it feels like rebellion/anger on my part regarding the surgery. I am praying. My hope is that God will see me through this and I will get better.

Your not confused..I knew what I was getting into..and your right, it feels like rebellion/anger on my part regarding the surgery. I am praying. My hope is that God will see me through this and I will get better.

God WILL see you through, if you trust him to do it. Put your complete trust in him. Allow him to do his work. Pray, lots.

Stick to your diet, do what you know you have to do. Everything will be alright.

Hey Steph-

I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. I'm only a week out, but I understand the anger. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat so badly- the way I used to, it's kind of scary. I never thought food controlled me as much as it obviously does. I'm glad that you're being proactive about it and seeking help- that's courageous, and I hope that you feel proud of yourself for it. I mentioned it on another thread, but having an accountability buddy has really helped me. Having someone that can break that thought cycle has prevented me from slipping. If you need someone, I'd be more than happy to help you with that! Just let me know.

And thank you for sharing that, because I have definitely been feeling the same way.

-Ruby

Thank you Ruby, for your support and kind words. You're right, it takes courage to admit this..and yes, I really could use a buddy if you're up to the task. I can be so stubborn at times. Maybe the throwing up and intense pain eating improperly will prevent the next time I contemplate a poor food choice. I have a phone appt with the nutritionist tomorrow for meal, shopping ideas, etc. But like she said, ultimately it is up to me. Gosh, it is it so horrible vomiting, today I was very compliant, only a taste, a little temptation and a little taste of something that I knew would cause intense pain/vomiting. I have to come to terms that my stomach only hold 2 to 4 oz at the most..and when I make bad choices, I will suffer the consequences, there is no way around it...it is really hard to eat around the sleeve, I have found out..the hard way. Even when I drank a milk shake, after 4 oz of it, I was incredibly nauseated by the richness, the sugar, it was repulsive to my body, but I guess after years of dieting and being put on a diet at the age of 8, there is a little rebel inside of me that pushes the envelope to the extreme. Perhaps, the sleeve is the best thing I could have ever done to save my life, my health. Happiness comes from within, and food cannot make us happy, in the long run, it is really not our friend unless it is just to maintain good health. Things feel better today and I thank all that have listened and not judged me too harsly. Believe me, I have already done that to myself..abusing food is self-abuse and really, don't we all deserve better than that?

Maybe you could go back to the basics for awhile. Have you heard of the 5 day pouch test? It's great to do to get rid of cravings. 2 days of liquids only, 2 days of mushies, and one day of solid Protein.

If you could get all the carbs out of your diet for a few days, you would not crave them.

Thank you Ruby, for your support and kind words. You're right, it takes courage to admit this..and yes, I really could use a buddy if you're up to the task. I can be so stubborn at times. Maybe the throwing up and intense pain eating improperly will prevent the next time I contemplate a poor food choice. I have a phone appt with the nutritionist tomorrow for meal, shopping ideas, etc. But like she said, ultimately it is up to me. Gosh, it is it so horrible vomiting, today I was very compliant, only a taste, a little temptation and a little taste of something that I knew would cause intense pain/vomiting. I have to come to terms that my stomach only hold 2 to 4 oz at the most..and when I make bad choices, I will suffer the consequences, there is no way around it...it is really hard to eat around the sleeve, I have found out..the hard way. Even when I drank a milk shake, after 4 oz of it, I was incredibly nauseated by the richness, the sugar, it was repulsive to my body, but I guess after years of dieting and being put on a diet at the age of 8, there is a little rebel inside of me that pushes the envelope to the extreme. Perhaps, the sleeve is the best thing I could have ever done to save my life, my health. Happiness comes from within, and food cannot make us happy, in the long run, it is really not our friend unless it is just to maintain good health. Things feel better today and I thank all that have listened and not judged me too harsly. Believe me, I have already done that to myself..abusing food is self-abuse and really, don't we all deserve better than that?

You sound so much better today. So happy to see it. Your on the right track, and you'll be fine. We all believe in you.

when did you get your sleeve?

I really feel for you. I went into this surgery with my eyes open but I'm sure there will be trying times ahead where I make poor choices or question why I did this in the first place. I think you're doing the right thing by reaching out here and reaching out to a professional. I think it takes courage to admit that you're in a bad place and I have a lot of hope for you that you'll be able to turn it around because you were brave enough to post your issues.

Please keep us updated, good and bad. We're all here in this together.

We are all human and we make mistakes, this is what makes us human. . . if we were perfect, we would be divine and would certainly not be on this earth. . .

Hi Steph-

Is it the poor food choices, or eating more than you are able? eating too fast? too much and not getting th signal that you're full?

This surgury is eventually going to let us eat "normal"... but our "normal" will never be able to eat much of it.

However, what scares me is I see I am able to eat more than I could at 3 months out. I LIKED that feeling of just being able to eat a few bites... I KNOW me....... I KNOW I liked to bindge...... eat ALOT...... and if I can eat more now at 9 months.... how much MORE will I be able to eat at 18 months?? and so on?

We have to know what we want out of this.

We're going to make poor choices, we're human... and the thing with food is............ we HAVE to have it to survive. But we have to know what we want.

We can't say I'll never have another piece of cake again in my life...... as soon as I'm told I CAN'T... I WANT. It's being able to have the cake, a small piece, enjoy it, and put it away. Not eat the entire cake and be sick. Not feel guilty, it's what I had, and now I can move on.

I'm glad your getting counciling..... I still haven't found someone I feel comfortable with... but I want to find someone. I havn't had as sever issuse as you describe, but I know all too welll... it could be me tomorrow.