Clearly this is a difficult post for me to write, because this is the sixth time I've wiped it out and started over. So forgive me for poorly constructed sentences, the occasional grammatical error, and even -- heaven forbid -- typos. I've always been the lazy perfectionist... if I can't do something perfectly, I don't want to do it at all, and since I can (very) rarely do something perfectly, I find myself not making the attempt all that often.

Nonetheless, here I am. Again.

I had surgery on January 31st, 2005. I thought I'd be done with this whole "weight loss thing" by now. And here I sit, only 44 lbs down from where I was, with about 100 lbs still to go. What went wrong?

In June, I completley changed careers, and I'm a full time graduate student now in addition to working a full time job. About that same time, my wife and I divorced, for the 2nd time. (Yes, from each other, for the 2nd time.) For 3 months, I was a "full time dad" too, but now they've gone to live with their mom and I miss them terribly. Lesson: life happens at a pace most people can barely hang on. But, we do. Somehow.

Maybe nothing went wrong. Maybe I expected too much, too fast. Maybe as long as I'm making progress, that's all that matters. Lesson: I didn't get fat overnight, so I'm not going to lose weight overnight.

But, the fact of the matter is that I'm not making progress. In fact, I've gained 18 lbs in the past 3 months, so I have to think that something's not right. I was having bad reflux at night and thought I needed an unfill, so I got one. And now, though I can't eat like I did pre-band, I eat too much, and I eat stupid stupid foods. And, if I eat at night, I STILL have reflux. Lesson: don't eat at night.

And when I started gaining weight, I left my support group. That would be you guys. I'll be honest -- I don't find a lot of accountibility here, because you guys are just so loving and understanding, and despite what the world thinks about how quickly a weight-loss-surgery patient should lose weight, we know better. But, in the past, accountibility is what's always helped me lose weight. What I find here instead, though -- overflowing constantly -- is love and grace. And somehow, that's what it really feels like I need. What kind of group would this be if forgiveness and understanding were sacraficed for the sake of harsh accountibility? Not one that many (if any) of us would stick with, I suspect. Lesson: when things get hard, don't run and hide.

The band isn't working for me. It's not tight enough. What ever shall I do? Duh. This "tool" isn't right for me because it's not restrictive enough; fortunately, it's an adjustable tool. Clearly, I need to get off my ass and get an adjustment. Lesson: the band is a tool, and you have to have the right tool for the job.

Even with all of that, I'm still so damned stubborn. When the band was tight enough, I was PBing all the time, because I ate food I shouldn't eat, and in quantities that I KNEW I couldn't handle. Why? Because I'm addicted, and addicts make really stupid choices. Lesson: sometimes the band isn't enough.

There are alcoholics on antabuse who still drink, despite the reaction. There's a 12 step program for people like me. I used to go. It used to help. Then things got hard, and an ran and hid. Lesson: when things get hard, don't run and hide. Hmm, that one sounds familiar.

So now I now exactly what I need to do. Should be easy from here on out, huh? Lesson: there's a mile between knowing and doing. But at least I know what I should be doing.

I miss you guys. Can I come home?

Welcome home Jonathan, <big squishy cyber hug> I haven't really been here all that long, but I have been in your situation plenty of times to know what it feels like. Having a place of support in bad times is worth its weight in gold. Don't wait until tomorrow to make good choices...make a good choices at lunch and at dinner. I find I am doing well if I don't eat anything past 7 pm and drink my water. Best of luck!

Of course you can come home... You are always welcomed here! We have missed you and the wonderful support you have given. We all have hard times and dont realize the Band IS a tool, its not going to do the work for us but help us to do the work ourselfs. When ever I feel down about my Band and even get mad at it (I have yelled at it a time or two) I know I can come here and get the support I need. Im really glad you are back. God Bless!

Jonathan. It's good to see your face!

The band is forgiving. It has not gone anywhere, it's waiting for you to make the changes you'll need to make to let it help you lose weight. Take a deep breath, and have a talk with it. And we're still here, too! Ready to listen and ready to relate.

Go get your fill and then be very gentle with yourself. Physically and mentally gentle. You're not a failure and your chance with banding is not blown. You're back!

Johnathan what are you talking about....you look great. Is that a 44 pound diffrence? It can't be, you have so many muscles and you are looking mighty buff. It is not all about the numbers on a scale. You have gotten so much more healthy and you have to be happier with yourself. More energy, stamina, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Keep up the great work.

How funny Jonathan, I was just thinking about you last night! (where's my yellow ribbon?)

Okay, here's a reality check for you. You have just had one of the most stressful years of your life. Divorce, moving, quitting your job, changing your profession, going back to school, changing the way you interact with your kids.... did I miss anything? All of these things rate very high on the stress chart that the mental health type use to track stress with. Individulally, they rate high, and collectively they pack a huge impact on us.

So, you gained back 13 pounds. Well, how many pounds do you think you would have gained without your band? I think, given our collective histories, a heck of a lot more than 13 pounds.

So You are doing really good.

I think there are different kinds of accountability, differnt ways to hold people accountable. I know that for many of us here, we are our own harsh critics. We do a good enough job beating ourselves up, thank you very much. I think it is much more effective to parent in a kind and loving manner, offering unconditional love. Oh sure, sometimes that love requires a swift kick to the pants, but they are generally rare, and well deserved.

For us, usually when we need that kick is when we are being unrealistic or too harsh on ourselves.

And so, of course you are welcome back, but you knew that before you even asked. That's one reason why we are different than so many other places on the net.

WELCOME HOME (the old oak tree is across the street...)

Lesson: there's a mile between knowing and doing. But at least I know what I should be doing.

I miss you guys. Can I come home?

Welcome Home Jonathan. I have missed you lots and even though you are not happy with your numbers, I see your Before/After pics and still say you are a hottie!!!!! AND your post was well-written, like a good sermon!

We are here to walk that mile with you, the one between knowing and doing. Start back lurking on recent threads...there's some really good stuff, much of it has Vinesqueen's name on it or in it...so you could read all her recent posts and find the good stuff.

Glad to see you back. ((((hugs))))

Youre back!

Man, weve missed you...

Im so sorry to hear of the kids going to live with their mom. Im sure thats a very hard thing to deal with. ((hugs)) especially with the holidays right around the corner.

On a lighter side of this (I hope at least?) hows the new girlfriend?

I was thinking about you the other day ~ figured youd forgot us and moved on...

glad you home.

:banana Welcome Home :banana

Geez kiddo, Your life has been one major adjustment after another this year. In light of all that you've been through, it's no surprise that your band has been on a back burner. You have to admit that you've lost a pretty significant amount of weight so far regardless of your gains. Since many of us have gained some as we go; no kicks in the ass for that. Besides, as Vines says, without the band you know it would have been much worse.

Here you are today, knowing you need support, and your band needs an adjustment, and knowing it's time to get it. So... you've opened up to the support, now make the appointment, you'll feel so much more accomplished. You've already started the ball rolling, now keep up the momentum, even if it's just one thing at a time.

Welcome back Jonathan, we've missed you, & like the band, we'll always be here.

We've both had a rough go of it this last year.

Here's a hug from me to you. Together we can DO THIS!!!

Hey Jonathan, I'm a fairly new bandster... looked at your pics and I think you look great!

~pamela.

Jonathan I think your "coming home" is a sign that are ready to address your band status. It's time. With all the multitude of things you've had going on in the last year, maybe you just "knew" you didn't have weightloss in ya so you back burnered it! First things first, right? Now that things are calming down, you can rededicate yourself to getting down in the scale department. Since getting unfilled didn't help the problem it was supposed to, and you had subsequent weight gain, why not go get refilled and start again? Welcome back to LBT! Don't let the 13lbs discourage you, kick it it the *** (no, not the A- word, the F word -- F-A-T). Go get em!

Welcome home Jonathan...

You have taken the first step, coming back here where we all love you and want to support you.

You have had a rough year, no doubt about it..through it all you still have managed to lose 44 lbs..NOT gain 44 lbs, that is a victory in itself. Be proud. You're home now here with all of us. You can do this Jonathan.

One thing that works for me in accountability is to journal what I eat and I mean every single bite. Something about seeing it on paper really helps me to make better choices when I do eat. Maybe try journaling for awhile see if it helps you to not eat the crap food. We are all here to help you Jonathan to get back opn track...

Welcome back! The good thing about the band is it's always there, just waiting on you! Good Luck!

Jonathan~ I'm so glad you came back home. You know you are always welcome here and NEVER need to have an invitation... The cyber door is always open. I have thought about you several times and wondered would you ever come back... its about time!!!

Sorry its been such a tough year for you. Glad to see you coming back for support!!! Hope things start looking up for you. The good thing about the band is it is always there when you get ready to get back on the band wagon... so pick up that wagon and move forward!!! ((((HUGS)))) So glad your back!!!