Ugh. I had a huge PB on Chinese food a few days ago (darn rice!). I was eating dinner with my DH and two contractors who had been working on my kitchen all day. Of course this would have to happen when we have company. Fortunately, I felt the slimes coming and I quickly excused myself before I upchucked in front of strangers.

Then, yesterday I let myself get too hungry before dinner. I sat down and broke off half of a hamburger and just inhaled it. My inner voice was saying "what are you doing?", but I just couldn't stop myself. Two hours and one massive PB later, and I was sitting on the couch thinking - you're 3 months out. Why would you sabotage yourself? Are you trying to cause a slippage? I've only ever had a PB one other time, so having 2 over the course of a few days is freaking me out.

This all came on the heels of getting tons of compliments at a Halloween party last week. People were astonished by how good I was looking. I'm proud of myself. I'm a hair away from 50 lbs down. But, I don't think I'm making enough mental progress. I still see myself at my highest weight, and I brush off the complements. This whole thing still feels very surreal to me.

I used to lay in bed for hours at night fantasizing about having WLS. Now the fantasy is reality. Why aren't I enjoying this more? Why can't I stop eating too fast even when it hurts like Hell?

Thanks for letting me vent...

Anne you can do this! I too have let myself get too hungry and the second I realize that I am eating too fast, I stop, put my food down and I don't pick it back up until I have some mental control over myself. I have even stopped and went for a quick walk until I could get a handle on myself. Once I have calmed down, I sit back down and proceed to eat very small slow bites. I keep a baby spoon up here at work to eat with. Everybody thinks I am weird, but I don't care this is for me. I am always here if you need to chat. We are all in this together on this individual journey of ours. :-) huggs. k

I sure understand. I'm so happy with my weight loss. I like the new, smaller, me.

I can't say that any one food makes me PB. I PB when I eat too quickly, and chew too little.

It's a habit from the bad old days. Eat!Eat!Eat! Hurry! There is so little time and so much food.

It's a plan. Eat fast enough and you can get in a few more sandwiches before your body gets the message that it is full.

But the band knows. Right away. The band sends you a message that you are full.

Take the drink out of the alchoholics hand. Watch the reaction. Indignation and anger, usually. Grab the hypo from the heroin addict and throw it in the street, if you dare.

Frodo turned into Gollum when he thought his Precious was being taken.

I've taken my precious. I took it and I threw it away. Eating. Where are you when I need you? Now, like you, I must deal with my feelings, and, more importantly, the causes of those feelings.

Eating was how I dealt with all emotion. How about you? I ate to Celebrate a happy event. I ate to console myself in times of loss or sorrow. I ate because I was bored. I ate because I was depressed. I ate because it was a beautiful day.

Now I take a few small bites. And that's it. How can that be it? I can't be done, there's food left!

Still I dream of being thin. I'm over halfway there. But thin is a destination that my true mind never believed I would reach. And I never knew the road would be so rocky.

And the road to thin is rough and rocky. But you can come here, you don't have to walk it alone. Ever walk on a railroad track? You kept falling off didn't you? But let someone else walk on the track next to you and just touch hands (you don't have to hold hands, just a touch) and the two of you can virtually walk around the world together and not fall.

Support groups are the other friend on the track who holds you up.

Thanks for venting. Thanks for reading. Know your dream will come true. Know that there will be a day when you LIVE and are happy. The mirror will be your friend and not your foe. You can beat this demon. You will. You can do it.

Love, Ryan

Hi, Anwyn, we were banded around the same time, and you are doing great! I am having some of the same mental issues as you are having, and I'm searching myself for the answers...the things that come to mind to offer as support is to really look yourself over. Look at before and after pictures, try on before and "now" clothes. When you look at the pictures, don't just look at your "special" spots, the ones you can't take your eyes off, the ones that you think of as negative. Look at the unnoticed areas...your neck, the back of your neck, your ankles, your wrists. Review all the NSV's you have noticed and received. Write them down. Fifty pounds is a big, big accomplishment, and it is a big change in your body. Give your mind and image of yourself a chance to catch up.

I do not do well if I let myself get too hungry; I do the same thing you do...too big of bites and don't chew very well, then I get that lump feeling, and it hurts. I am working on slowing down, and preventing that really, really hungry feeling by eating something like yogurt first...you can't take a big bite of that or fail to chew it, you know?

Most of all, you're doing great! I've got yer back and hang in there! Cindy

Anne, what can I say that hasn't already been said?

I can offer a bit cyber hug and well wishes

Anne i do understand you completely.. sometimes i have these small convertations

with myself when i do the same mistakes again and again..

i think its because our old self still trying to control us... years of eating habits

cant be change in one night .. but its good that we realise them and we are more carefull day by day ..

(((Anne)))

ps. you are doing marvellous on your weight loss!!

ps2 July bandsters are alive and kickin :D

ps3 you rawk!

You are doing awesome and should be so proud of yourself !!! Think of all you have accomplished in such a short amount of time. we all have bad days and get angry with ourselves from time to time, but don't let that stop you from getting to your goal-a healthier you!!!

You go girl!!!!!

You have to know I'm new if I have no clue what PB means. After reading it seems like regurgitation of some sort, but I'm guessing. Can someone explain what I have to look forward to

Anwyn, at the beginning of being banded, I was having the same mental demons as you. I often wondered if I would always see myself as 'the fat girl in the room'.

It was probably about 6 months out that I finally started to come to terms with it. It just takes time. I got out my old before photos and sat down to have a look. As they say, a picture says a thousand words. It spoke volumes to me.

The mental part for me, really was the hardest part though.

You're doing sooooooooo well though. Try to keep your eye on the goal. Its going to take time, you're going to slip up along the way, but you WILL get there.

Thank you everyone for your words of commiseration and support. I feel sorry for any bandster who doesn't know about this website because I don't know what I'd do without you guys! I really needed the cyber-hugs today...

Ryan, I'm definitely an emotional eater, and sometimes I just don't know how to deal with it. When I think back on those two meals where I PB'd I realize that I was nervous at the first meal and upset about something for the second meal. I think I will take your advice Keri, and take a short walk to de-stress before eating. More fun than a PB, that's for sure!

Thanks again. Just knowing I'm not the only one experiencing these emotions really helps.

Anne

Just a little reminder, since your surgery, you have had more good days than bad ones, and that's really important. Before the band, most days were bad with a few good ones sprinkled in but few and far between.

Just a simple thought, hope it helps, (((HUGS))).

Cindy

Hey, you've done incredible in such a short time!

Give yourself a chance to get used to the new you. Sometimes it is hard to accept change in yourself. Recently, I shaved off my gotee and moustache. Had them for the last 10 years. I cannot stop reaching my hand up to "comb" my moustache out of my mouth, even though there isn't one. On top of that, I don't like my chin anymore, and am shocked each time I look in the mirror. eventually, I will get used to looking like this, and won't think my chin is terrible, and quit combing my phamtom moustache.

I'll get used to the new look.

So will you.

Keep up your great positive attitude, you are on the road to success!

Big Paul

Hi Paul, thanks for the encouragement. I'm feeling much more positive the last few days. I laughed when I read your post... I went from blonde to brunette a few weeks ago and I still do a doubletake every time I pass a mirror. I guess it will take us both a little time to get used to the new us. And I'm sure your chin looks great!