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It's hard when your going through such a drastic change in your life and when you need support the person who should be your biggest supporter isn't. It's not just that he is unsupportive, he sounds cruel, with those comments. You need a support system to give you the very best chance at success. Maybe asking him why he is unsupportive of you. It's a time where you need to make tough choices and ultimately, your the only one who can make them.

Wow, how did today go from GREAT to UCK so fast? So my dad has recently been sleeved and I had finally come to my own realization that I was ready for that as well. Luckily after a great conversation with my folks, they were very supportive of my decision. My family is very close and while I don't NEED their support it means a lot to me that I have it. So I figured everything was good and so brought the matter up with my grandmother. Lets just say that the awkward silence after I 'spilled the beans' when I was talking on the phone with her was epic. I couldn't tell if she was shocked (although I don't know why) or in major disapproval. I guess I was just taking it for granted that she would be supportive of my decision and it surprised me to find out that it doesn't seem like she is. I'm hoping that maybe after she thinks about it, and after further conversation, she'll have a better reaction. I really just wanted to shout, "I've been overweight for YEARS and it's not getting better. I need help and getting this surgery is not shameful and it does not somehow make me weak. It takes strength to know when you need help and to have the courage to go forward into the unknown. I will be happier and healthier...so whats not to like?" Even if her reaction doesn't change I'm still going forward with this because in the end it's my life...but I would be lying if I said that it doesn't make me sad. Did anybody else face something like this from your family/friends? If so, how did you deal with it? What did you say? Thanks! ~Lyra

Tina, Congratulations to you! It's a tough decision, and it takes courage to decide to change. Change is the most frightening thing we go through in life. Many people stay fat and unhealthy because of this fear. I was afraid that the Band, or any WLS surgery for that matter, would change everything about my life. And so far it has. But the changes have been good. I no longer fear change, I welcome it. People in our lives have no idea how to be supportive, I'm convinced of that. I'm also convinced that many of the people who seem so unsupportive think they are being just the opposite. But remember, change is a frightening for them as it is for you. They too are afraid. After all, any change in you could result in a change in your relationships. They are afraid, and their fear has no reason behind it. They forget that you will still be YOU whether you band or not. They forget that your quality will shine through. You are afraid, and it's normal. Change is scary. Everyone you talk to knows someone who's best friend's aunt, had an acquaintance whose youngest daughter had the surgery and she only lost the weight on one side then her left leg blew up like a zeppelin and they went in and found the band broken into seventeen pieces and lodged near a perfectly preserved donut in her uterus. (preceding ludicrous story for illustration purposes only). So, if that kind of thing bothers you, by all means, keep it all on the down low. It's your life, and your business. But fear not. The beauty of the band is it's safety. Low complication rate. Non invasiveness, and ease of reversibility. Of all the courses out there it is the logical choice. I had to decide. I picked this, and now I'm one month out, it was easy, fast, and nearly painless. Well, a lot less painful than my overactive imagination had drawn it for me. Diet and exercise do not work. Lose the weight, gain it back, plus a little bonus. Will power is good for the next meal, and maybe for months, but sooner or later the will power fades, and we fall into our old ways. If the will power worked there would be no fat people, no alchoholics, no addicts of any kind. The way I saw it the only way to go was to choose between a short life and a longer one. Keeping my messed up relationship with food was the short life, the band was the longer one. Follow your own star. Make your own decision based on who you are. One thing about these people here, they know how to be supportive, visit often, read the old threads. Contemplate. But move yourself to action. As Red says in "Shawshank Redemption" it's time to get busy living, or get busy dying. I suggest living with the band, you'll smile more than you do now, you'll laugh daily. Good luck, and glad to see you here.

I'm sorry your husband does not support you but you have to be healthy for you as well as your family, I would take him to the se,one and all doctors appointment if possible then he would see. By no means is this the easy way out, this is a life style changed that is so well worth it because it changes the quality of your life . I am 8 months out and I am loving life you are so worth living for, I explained to my family when they were unsupportive at first how would they feel if I was no longer here oppose to me being here happy and healthy needless to say they got educated and they have become my biggest support system besides my husband and kids, and with the pounds falling off they see the results and how happy I am good luck. Please remember this is a choice that you need to make for yourself to be healthy first then your family good luck .

Ok, so I go to my surgeon's support group and last night someone said something that struck me emotionally. A lady was talking about how she wants the sleeve and her husband, who was with her, was against it. After she was done talking another lady, who also didn't have the sleeve yet, said ".... but you're not that big". Seriously???? We're at a sleeve support group and you bring that out??? Yes, the lady who said that was larger than the one with the unsupportive husband, and I think that maybe this lady was just trying to make the other feel better (compliment??), but I got so emotional and had to call the lady out on what she said. I was told alot by friends and family that they didn't think I was big enough. I'm sure they thought of it as a compliment but really it hurt because I could never talk to them about the sleeve beyond their accusation of my size. I was 290 before I got sleeved and had tried and tried and tried and wanted to be able to diet and exercise SO BAD but I couldn't do it mentally. I came to the conclusion to do it for ME because I KNEW I needed a tool to help me, and asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. Its a very personal decision that everyone makes to have it, and to hear someone say "you're not that big" now not only hurts but pisses me off. So I guess what I'm saying is for people who may not be 350+ or who wear it well, don't listen to the ignorance when people try to tell you you don't need the surgery when you know in your heart that it is the right decision for you.

I said I had a peptic ulcer removed to work and some friends who I knew would be unsupportive no one needs to know your private business I told a few friends and family and boy did I learn a lesson keep it to yourself the negativity is awful I found my skinny friends were like yay good for you and my big friends were negative saying things like your cheating you always take the easy way out etc so I stopped dead in my tracks however I decided that down the track when I'm smaller if a larger Person came up to me and said wow you look great how have you lost weight I would be 100% honest with them because giving someone false hope who is struggling is unfair I can't do that. Sent from my iPhone

The only people that know for me are my brothers and dad (had to explain exactly what it was as they didn't know and my bro was like "is this a diet thing?" And once I explained what it did and it was permanent.. He understood and was extremely supportive) and my mum knows as we did it together which made it easier. I didn't think anyone else needed to know, and a lot of them would've said something negative or unsupportive so that's why I kept it quiet

I actually just posted my own topic about this. Two days ago I broke it off with my Fiance because he is not supportive. Unfortunately, you can know your own feelings and motives but you can never really known someone else's. Please consider this situation very thoroughly before pushing it under the rug or pretending that it's not happening. You are looking into this surgery because it is a desire of your heart that probably touches you to the core like it does for the rest of us. IF SOMETHING IS THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU IT SHOULD BE IMPORTANT TO HIM AND HE SHOULD BE TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT HOW YOU FEEL. IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT OR CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THAT HE IS NOT SOMETHING THAT YOU NEED IN YOUR LIFE. Unfortunately sabotage is very real and it usually comes from a significant other. For me, the choice was very obvious. I AM MORE IMPORTANT AND I AM MORE VALUABLE AND I LOVE MYSELF TOO MUCH TO CONTINUE TO BE IN AN UNSUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIP. I know that I may be a bit emotional and bias about this considering my circumstances but please please please think long and hard before letting him sabotage the rest of your life...

Hi Craig, So glad that it all went well and you are feeling good. I was done on Sunday 25th and had one night in hospital so came home yesterday afternoon (26th). It all went well although I do have some gas pain which is getting better as it is released! I also feel like I have to 'carry' my stomach around when I walk. If I let go and leave it unsupported then I get some pain as it pulls everything down. Has anyone else had this feeling? I am on a liquid diet of these drinks called 'Ensure plus' which are like milkshakes. They come in vanilla, strawberry, banana and peach flavours. I also have to drink 2-3 litres of Water a day and can have other clear fluids including sugar free Jello. We don't have Jello in the UK where I am from although I have bought some here in the UAE where I live now. Pardon my British ignorance but what is it? Is it what we Brits call 'jelly'?:thumbup: And if so do I drink it before it sets or let it set and eat slowly? If you can enlighten me on 'Jello' I'd be really grateful! LOL! I wonder how everyone else has got on? It will be good to keep in touch.

Once upon a time there was a forum called verticalsleevetalk that was small enough that people had a chance at remembering who someone is. While the relationships were not deep at.least they weren't the crazy volumes of.people we have now. THE Lapband Group isnt The only One That Got smooshed together. there was a time would I felt I could actually "mentor" someone who had my similar circumstances or we had some sort of connection. While I appreciate everyone that bothered to read and reply, I can't help but notice a few assumptions about me...example that I judge what size I think someone should be before being sleeved. This is merely an example, how could you know that someone I care about in real life had "only" 50# to lose pre-sleeve and i am cheering her on?? It is true if someone asked me if they should be sleeved at a low BMI I would ask them to think about if they'd really tried everything else first. Is that unsupportive? Why do they ask questions and seek opinions and then attack me for expressing it? "should I get the sleeve with 50 to lose". I am genuinely using this as an example of my bewilderment - that specific topic isn't the point - and I don't actually recall being critized on that one so no offense intended.

All excellent answers. I divorced a selfish, emotionally immature, cheating, lying, unsupportive man and am now married to an angel .... there ARE good men out there who will treat women with the upmost respect!!!!!

That's pretty much why I don't want to tell my Mom. Her reaction will either be unsupportive and judgmental or she will obsess about my weight loss and comment things like I don't seem to be losing weight or that I look the same, or maybe my saggy skin from weightloss lol

Hi all- I just received an apology from Persistance, saying she did not mean to come across to hard on our WonderMom here. When responding to her, I realized, I too had handled it wrong. While she was harsh in the way she said things, she too is honestly looking out for Wonders safety. She deals personally with abusive relationships, and has seen the worst happen. NONE of us want that for Wonder, we all have different ways of voiceing that, and advising her. Some of us wish we could just go pull her out of the house, and fix it all for her!!! We can't. Dammit! Anyway--please know wonder, that we all just want the best for you, we worry about you. Many of us have been where you are, and know it can go from bad to worse very quickly, and we just want you to be proactive rather than reactive to things he says and does. Keep in contact with your attorney, and with us---even when we say things you don't like it is done, hoping to help you. I really do not believe anyone is trying to be unsupportive, we all just show it in different ways. Tough love is afterall still love---just wrapped up differently. Hang in there Wonder---we're all here! Kat

The person I considered my best friend bailed on me. She was supportive of the surgery until the week before, I had a moment of weakness and said I might back out, at that moment she no longer supported it. She had started doing everything she could to lose weight, and she was a lot smaller than me to begin with anyways, but it seemed like she couldn't stand the idea of not being the skinny friend. She came to the hospital the day of my surgery and that was the last time I saw her. She would talk to me like normal on the phone for the first few weeks but as I lost weight she just took off. I called her a few times over one weekend, she didn't answer, she didn't answer texts. She called once on Monday and I decided to wait and see if she would call again as I was not about to fight for a friendship when clearly she had begun distancing herself. She never called again. I reached out to her on facebook a few times trying to find out what was going on, she never responded. She has since moved and I am sure I will never hear from her again. I have another friend that was very unsupportive of me, he said over and over I could do it on my own. I rarely hear from him anymore and it's usually only when he's upset about something. He's not even someone I would consider a friend anymore. I have dealt with a lot of snarky comments too, some just joking, many are just low blows. You would think my "friends" would be happy for me to get healthy and fit but jealousy can be a very ugly thing and girls apparently don't like becoming the "fat" friend. Ugh! This surgery really has shown me who my real friends are.

Speaking as someone with a ph.d., you know what the difference was between those of us who graduated, and those who quit? Those of us who graduated didn't quit. Really. That was it. Persistence. We put up with whatever BS, jumped through whatever hoops, dealt with inevitable delays and were like stubborn MULES that were NOT going to quit until we had it. The ones that quit lost patience. I don't think I was always intelligence, ability, or anything intellectual. Persistence. Same thing that made you keep at it until you hit weight/fitness goals. How many guys like you quit on the weight a long time ago? But not you, right? My first 3 years were no problem. Due to health, pregnancy, unsupportive spouse issues my last year took me four years. Persistence. Good luck. You will do great.

I think that is a great idead. I was lucky that my husband was not trying to talk me out of surgery (actually by thr time i had surgery he had already mentally checked out of the marriage and didn't care one way or the other) but I've heard often about unsupportive partners.

I told select members of my family. I had reactions on all ends of the spectrum. My mother was worried and pissed that she couldn't take off from work the day of my surgery. The very first person I told back when I was just thinking about it was my cousin who's like a sister to me. She was there with me for the surgery and has been the most supportive. She has weight issues of her own, and if & when she makes it up in her mind, I will be right there by her side too. DH was the most unsupportive. He would tell me things like, you shouldn't eat, do what I do and drink energy drinks instead of eating, eat only once a day. He knew that if I didn't eat I would get terrible headaches, and then I found out I was borderline diabetic in 2004, which contributed to the headaches when I let myself get too hungry. I told him he's never had a weight problem so he cannot relate. It wasn't until the Monday before I had the surgery that he lent his support -- AFTER he saw that I was going through with it anyway.

My surgery was last wends and I plan on going back to work tomorrow,less than 7 days out but i timed it so that I could use my sick days in conjunction with the weekend. I am keeping the surgery a secret because people at my job are so mean and unsupportive. I have techniques that i will use to get up from my desk every hour to move. I am not in pain so i think I will be ok....

That's what my husband said to me today. He doesn't want to touch me because he said he may hurt me, when words hurt more. I'm a very touchy feely wife. I was like this before surgery, and today I feel 80% better and I wanted to be held but he wouldn't touch me. I wanted to guide him to my scars which have gauze over them. He drew back like I had some abnormalty or something. Before I went in he was fine, until a coupe of days before then he was all like "I don't think I want you to get this done." I thought maybe it was from the death factor, which he said it was, but I'm alive, and here. But now he's all like I've lost my eating partner, and I watch you take 1-2 hours to finish a bowl of oatmeal when it would have normally have taken you about 15 min if that. I told him it's supposed to be this way, in the liquid phase I drink until the hunger is gone. Then I drink more when it comes back. Basically. Then he's all like " For the rest of your life you'll have to see a doctor to make sure what you're eating and drinking isn't affecting you, and you'll have to take pills for the rest of your life." I told him that what he was saying wasn't exactly true, and if he would have been open to going to the meetings with me and the doctor's visits then he may not have felt this way. But I guess to see someone in pain and actually going through it is different. He hates to see me in pain or be in pain himself. But now he's got me crying and he's all apologetic, but his words really hurt me. I thought he was supportive, I mean it's great in theory but when it actually comes time to be supportive you have to be there for a person, not let me eat 4 pretzels :nono:knowing I shouldn't just because I'm having an unbelievable craving. I mean I'm incredibly happy that I began this journey to a better me, but I still can't say that if I would have known that he really felt this way and was just saying that he didn't just so we could stop and so he can stop seeming so unsupportive, that I would have not gone through with this. Does this make me a bad person, a bad wife? Am I pushing? Someone :help: I'm so I just want to scream :angry :pout: what to do :think Marcelle

I think that our bigger friends are unsupportive because it showcases the changes and hard work that they are unwilling to put in to their own lives. The truth hurts, and they would just rather look the other way than face it. The only person who hasn't been very supportive to me is a larger friend as well. When I excitedly told her yesterday that I got my surgery date she threw it in my face that I wouldn't have any better success at losing and keeping it off than someone who hadn't had surgery. All my other friends and co workers who are normal sized, or who have been through the procedure themselves, are cheering me on. Sent from my SGH-I337M using the BariatricPal App

Why was your dad unsupportive?

Certainly. In fact I am hoping to keep my WLS a secret from some family members who are unsupportive and judgemental. I feel it is your business and your business alone. You should not have to feel olbligated to share any information you don't want to. Also for work it is completely none of their business and against the law to ask you about what type of surgery you are having. I am a teacher and I work in a team of all women and talk about catty and conniving. I have made the decision that I am not going to share my surgery with anyone. To protect against this or set the stage I guess you can say. I have been working on my weightloss with eating healthy and being active for some time now but I made sure to just add the little whisper about me working out at the gym, meeting with my doctor and nutritionist to make healthy eating plans so that way when I get cornered aboout my WL and believe me it always happens. I can say "Thank you for noticing I have been working out really hard and are meeting with a nutritionist" Case closed.... Because the one thing I can't stand to hear is someone saying about someone who has had WLS "Oh you took the easy way huh" There is nothing easy about it. You have to work just that hard or harder to make sure you keep yourself healthy and balanced... Chin Up Take Care, Jessica

Bikrchk, I'm with you. The fact everyone knows about my surgery is a big factor in holding myself accountable. Now that I'm in maintenance I know I won't fail because I want to be a good example. And thank you everyone else for your posts. You make very good points. I used to work for a big corporation, so I know about office politics and dealing with "suits". That BS is a big reason why I went back to school for a complete career change in my 30's. And it's a real shame that so many people have friends and family that are unsupportive. I guess it just upsets me that WLS is still such a taboo subject in today's society. Losing weight and being healthy are an aspiration for Americans but the fact that there is a "right" way (excersise, eating healthy) and a "wrong" way (WLS) is just crazy. The choice to tell or not tell is just that and everyone has to do what is best for them. I just think that the only way to help break down the stigma of surgery is for people to hear about our successes rather than repeat the stories about a "friend of a friend that died". And people's reactions may surprise you...hearing the truth could help someone else struggling with their weight. Really, if we can't be supporters of WLS, who will be?

Congratulations on your success and thank you so much for sharing with us about your journey. I appreciate it. I am so sorry you work in an environment with so many unsupportive and toxic people but am glad your fiancée and friends are there for you. You mention your bariatric support group and friends as being your support network which is awesome. Do you also have a therapist? I know it takes time for our view of our body image to catch up with reality, but a therapist may be able to help you reconcile that view as well as help you with strategies for dealing with negative people and the stress eating urge. Best of luck with your upcoming wedding and marriage. I am sure you will be a beautiful bride!

Great success!! I totally understand about letting go of unsupportive people. Sent from my SM-N910V using the BariatricPal App