vanishingvixen

YAY YOU!!!

// Note: from time to time I will be promoting my side hustle - GGX Jewels...as it also plays a part in paying for my surgery out-of pocket expenses and body lift nest egg. Please support your lovable neightborhood Fat Girl! // Be one of the first to subscribe to the new GGX You Tube channel and you could win a FREE pair of Sterling Silver earrings!

I anticipate my surgery being paid for by insurance. But I also know that some surgical centers have some add'l programs that may incur a cost. For example - the Optifast 2wk pre-surgery liquid diet is gonna cost me $300 out of pocket...

*blogging via crackberry. Pls excuse the word jumble, will edit later*

if I’m just horomonal this week, or if it’s just a combination of so much going on in my life at one time. But I’m feeling like I’m crazy to think ill ever be “size healthy” (thanks to my girl Aja S. For that term *lol*) Now, I’ve always been comfortable being a “Size Sexy” chick (ie: “Good looking & well put together for a Plus-sized woman”. I heard LL Cool J use that term about 5 yrs ago while hosting the +size portion of the Rip the Runway fashion show on BET) in theory, at least – until recently. Not how I looked, but literally…how I felt/feel in my skin/clothes. If you know me/have seen me personally, I do, in fact carry this 300# well. I think that’s why some folks (excluding my closest friends) were shocked when they found out I was going to have WLS. The general response even from my nurses at the Dr’s office was: “But why? You look good girl! Now you tryna get all skinny?” No. I’m not trying to get skinny. I’m unconcerned with being a size 8 or 10 or even 12 for that matter. In fact, personally…I’d be most comfortable in the size 14-16 range (at whatever weight). I just want to be healthy is whatever ways that is. Taking off some of this dead weight, eating healthier, and being more active. Thereby increasing my lifespan (prayerfully) The “out of sorts” part comes in b/c as I’ve said, I’ve been doing a lot of research about the Lap Band. I joined a LB forum and have been communicating with lots of folks, and reading their personal journeys. Most, I’d say 80% have done extreamly well (versus gastric bypass, or the gastric sleeve that are also available). Then there are some, who’s weightloss is so slight (10lbs in a 3 month time period) that the whole thing seems pointless. *sigh* I just hope & pray that I’m not one that this is just a wasted effort. A moot experience altogether… Oh, I know what probably brought on this sudden moodswing of mine also. I went & bought a scale last night so that I can monitor my progress. *straightface* All my efforts of the past week have resulted in gaining a pound. WTF!? Working out, eating significantly smaller portions and controlling my fat intake. Drinking 64oz water each day. 3 square meals + nutricious snacks. Then my husband gets on the scale and has lost 5lbs – the only change in his eating has been a salad or two. *pulling my hair out* Needless to say, the scale is going back to the store – lest it discourages me to the point of journey derailment. So goes the life and ramblings of a Fat Girl…

(and a possible body lift, after I've kept the wait off for a year or more)...I will be on my super grind making jewelry (this of course, is in addition to my FT 9-5 job) check it out... especially for the ladies that are feeling EXTRA fine in their new bodies : www.ggxjewels.com

Also - for those that have already had the surgery...what type of out of pocket expenses did you incur? I'm trying to build me a little LBS nest egg during my 6-9 month wait...

I'm sure I'll have to be creative...but so far, so good.

Posting the link, onmly b/c it's far too much work to have to cross-post everything from my main blog!

http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/recipes/

you SO ROCK. you just have no idea... *hugggggggggg*

"Six months ago I was a selfish, miserable, negative, argumentative, pessimistic jerk with a huge chip on my shoulder feeding on others' misery." *mouth hanging wide open* Wouldnt have guessed it in a MILLION years. When I read your first reply to my post, I thought "wow, he must be the Ambassador of Good Will & Encouragement" *lol*

I honestly think we ALL kinda feel like this about ourselves at some point. I know I do. That why I blog to get it out. Most of my anger & bad attitude real like humor...which somehow inspires others, so I roll with it!

I think being out of shape and miserable with how big i had let myself get played a big part in my attitude, too.

On the serious side, we are all here as a means of support for one another on the journey. Attitudes are definately contagious...so PLEASE keep doing waht you are doing.

You're awesome.

I wish i liked cottage cheese...

But, I am starting to research some other things to help me with that old pesky sweet tooth. Actually, the Slim Fast choco shake is excellent - put it in the freezer for about 30 mins so it gets really thick... But I def need to start getting used to the protein shakes & such for post-surgery...

“…I’m full but want a tasty treat…”

*sigh*

Undoubtedly, my "midnight feedings" – in which I pace in the kitchen & look for that special something to satisfy & sate (usually something sweet), usually between the hours of 11pm-1am – are the hardest part of this journey for me.

I remember a time in the not too distant past that I would run the water in the kitchen to drown out the sound of my cabinet rummaging and cellophane paper wrap krinkling from the little debbie snack I’d try to sneak back into the bedroom.

I should be ashamed *hangs head*

I think its a step forward that I’m starting to notice my patterns and put an end to them. I’m sure there’s always a chance to relapse, but at least by not keeping the junk in the house anymore, my choices are limited. Of course, I will ALWAYS and FOREVER keep the obligatory chocolate candy bar stashed away “in case of emergency”…but even then, it’s just ONE bar, not an entire bag of mini’s

Old habits die hard, its true. But new habits live in the light, to be nourished and cultivated into a way of life.

I can do this. I. WILL. DO. THIS.

*praying*

“Jesus be an appetite suppresant”

*then singing and channeling Carried Underwood*

Jesus, take the wheel…

Check it out here: http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/food-journal/

NOTE:

What I'm eating may "seem" like alot - but TRUST - this is but a mere fraction of what I used to eat. I was given the advice to journal everything I eat, cut my portions & add water. (thanks @btrieger ) I also check out my food choices on this site: http://caloriecount.about.com/

This is my daughter that everyone is giving me a hard time about. PISSES ME THE %*@! off!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who has gone thru this. I'm still a new mom, so I guess I was unprepared.

I experienced the same thing at the mall yesterday (diff mall). just walking thru the Mall engaging my daugther...and getting "The look": Fat Mommy / Fat Kid / look of disgust. (even tho I don't necessarily think she is fat...(she came out BIG @ almost 8lbs 3.5 weeks early! and her dad is 6+' tall)

It just pisses me off that some folks are actually teaching their kids to discriminate. but I see that fat discrimination is in full effect. I can't WAIT to show those so-in-so's a thing or THREE!

That reminds me - maybe I should censor my blogs here. *lol* Alot of folks seem to be on the same page with me. w What's the worst that can happen? *lol*

Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN. It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents - especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids.

My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate...but I caught the looks of other parents - at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of...pity. I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child - yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed...for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler.

Now, in my defense - GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G'ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn't mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I've seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface*

I'm on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I'm overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image...which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now.

I'm on my way to a better life...and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won't remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees...but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her. IDK...reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way.

Today - I'm going to hold my head high as we venture to yet another mall. And I DARE a mofo to give me the Fat Mommy glare.

I'm 35. Relatively young - I "guess" *lol* I just know for me, 75% of my weight is carried in my thighs. I've beared witness to what happens to those after a lot of weight loss. But I won't panic just yet. I am glad to hear that perhaps younger skin bounces back pretty well, but I have about 12 friends that have had WLS at some point. Everyones body recovered differently. I'm guessing part of it is genetics - and if that's the case, I MAY end up lucky. I think starting a piggy bank is a good idea. Does boob lifting come with the mid-body lift? How about a Beyonce thigh make-over? (I'm so serious) Alot my thoughts may seem vain, but I'm certain I'm not the only one with them. This is ABSOLUTELY about health. But again, personally knowing a significant amount of ppl who have transformed, and listening to their real-life concerns and insecurites about their "new" body just makes makes me mindful that ppl deal with a lot of emotional "stuff" post-weight loss too, and I want to be prepared...

*entering the room dancing to Destiny's Child singing "I don't think ya readdddy fa this jelllllyyyy"*

Ok, so. I know that I have some concerns about my post-weight loss body. But realistically, looking at me bucket nayket now aint no picnic either :thumbup: (maybe for my husband, bless him wittle heart). I know I can’t stand too much of my own self. Things jiggle and sag and weeble-wobble now. So, I’m not naïve enough to think that just because I lose some poundage, means that I’m gonna turn into Beyonce…Gee’once, maybe *smirk*, but I digress…

ALTHOUGH, in my mind…I’ve fast-forwarded about a year or so. And I can actually SEE a smaller, more healthy me. :thumbup:I’ve never been there before. And mayhaps that was the problem. *shrug* What I do know, is my saggalicious, droopylicious self is STILL gonna revel in how far I’ve come & gone. Ill hook up the breasticles in a new LB balconette bra and make them shine like the stars they are. I’ll coax the SPANX that ill have to sweet talk into undertaking the monumental task of turning “flab into fab”. Buy a new figure-friendly LBD, and perhaps I may be able to throw on a pair of sexy high heels long enough to turn a few heads and strut the “Skank [Ho] Walk” I learned in my Urban Striptease workout (gotta love On Demand cable program. Exercise TV is awesomeness) *head nod*

:rolleyes:Yup. I justttttt miiiight.

Btw – my bosslady (who also has WLS and looks fabulous) said to *possibly* expect the ending or stressing of friendships/familial relationships and possible spousal jealousy. *exaggerated sigh*

I really have been blessed in terms of my family & friends, so I don’t anticipate that area being an issue for me. But I guess any & everything is possible. Prayerfully those in my corner will stay there – even when I’m too high off my own supply *innocent grin* I know my tried & true peeps will chin-check me quick & without hesitation *lol*

This whole experience is reminding me of when I was with-child. So excited and anticipatory. Wondering “when am I gonna see my baby bump” “when can I finally hold my baby”. All that stuff I worried everyone to death about…and then one day: bam – She was here! The only thing that’s different is that this experience will end with a REbirth…of self. Saggy. Jiggly. Jellified.

So, yeah. I’m ready. But I’m not certain the world is.*pondering for a brief moment*

NaHhhhh. I don’t think ANY one is ready fa THIS jelly.

I appreciate the feedback. There is lots more I have to say, but if I wrote EVERYthing I was really thinking they'd probably delete my account, so i'm working on couth *straightface then lol* My main blog allows me to cut loose, but here I try to act like a lady *ahem*.

Writing is theraputic for me. And no doubt will be my biggest catalyst to stay the course...

ok, y'all are making me nervous... *biting nails*

Although I've read alot of posts on this site and heard raving reviews about the lap band. I'm scared that it may not work for me. Or something. IDK...

I CANT WAIT until I put on my Geyonce *uh oh uh oh* dress. My birthday just passed, but next year? WOOT!

Your posts remind me alot of... ME. *lol*

gotta laught to keep from crying sometimes *lol* This certain helps me feel my way thru and put things into perspective.

Your words are encouring. Thanks!!

**enters the room singing to the tune of Whitney’s “So emotional”: I get sooooo emotional baybe, everytime I think of FOOOOOOOOOD! **

Happy Friday faithful few -

Yesterday was an emotional doozy. At least the last half was. That tends to happen when things are really going well. When I’m mentally & spiritually focused and on my grind. But such as life. The devil is a micky-flickin LIYAH!! *tripple dawg daring him to even THINK about looking my way today* He gets NO play over here.

This here post will serve as a reminder that no matter the circumstances, I (we) can make better food choices. It bears repeating that I am mostly a total emotional eater. In order to stay my course, I have to break that cycle. (more like forcing myself into submission via suplex, then headlock)

See, for me – here’s how it works for me: quite simply…if I don’t keep it in the house (ie: snack cakes, junkfood, unhealthy snacks, soda, whatever) I can’t get to it when $h!t goes down. If I keep healthier foods in the house, I won’t sabatoge myself when I’m on a mad dash to shove something in my mouth in an effort to self-soothe. :biggrin:

It sounds really simple, huh? Not so much. But in theory, its what I know will work for me. If its not there, I can’t gorge/graze on it. If I just HAVE to put something in my mouth, it will be something that I know won’t totally derail me. Besides, I’ve found there are plenty of treats to sate my oral fixation & sweet tooth. Fudgepops are one good indulgence (its not my fault it shaped like a phallus, but hey that could be considered a benefit *shrug*) :huh2: Low fat. And/or fat free at 40-60 cals a pop. Even if I eat 3 (which I haven’t *lol*) no skin off my teeth. And also those 100 mini bags of stuff likr choco pretzels, or cookies, or what have you.

I’m no expert, but I DAMN sure know that a night like last night would have sent me running back into my ex-Lover’s arms. :cool: Me & some cupcakes or a whole quart of ice cream would have be getting. It. IN. *going churchified* But I rebuke thee, oh Devils of Deliciousness. Get thee behind me, Little Debbie, you Jezebel! You Harlot!

Woooosahhhh. :thumbup: It all alright. I woke up this morning feeling good. I know that there will be plenty more opportunities for me to screw up. But yesterday wasn’t the day. (And today won’t be either *hmph*)

WOOOOOSAAAAAAAH! I needed to hear this! Thank you! I didn't think it was just me...

I honestly think my husband is having some of his own feelings about the future "new me". Almost like insecurity? IDK...he'll just have to get over himself though, won't he? *lol*

Today, my love affair with food ended. He has always been the one constant in my life. And like any other relationship I've had, we'll probably try to make it work a few more times, before it resonates in my spirit that... it. is. indeed. OVER. Not because I want it to be, but because it HAS to be. *sigh*What once consumed almost every thought & desire...will give way to a new, enlightened way of thinking, living, and being.

Health, is my NEW man. The lover of my soul and my future.

Gone will be the days of secretly spooning in the bed with and entire bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion chips, or making out with my homegirl Lil' Deb *holla*. I'll have to pass on the cupcakeS, and be content with just one, on occasion - Not the 3 or 4 or 7 a week as I have done in the past.

And like any relationship when it ends, I have to look at myself in the mirror as a newly "single" woman, wipe away the tears, and acknowledge how difficult the road ahead would be without my tried & true Lover. Food has been there at the ready to comfort me through it all: the heartache, the heart break, disappointments, and even the times of celebration. But now, I have to learn to put the relationship in it's proper place: one of necessity, not over-indulgence... One of sustenance, not sabotage.

Of course, I still have to meet up with food - a more casual relationship of sorts. I just can no longer take it as my "one & only". *sigh*

It's been a long time coming. 15 years or more. It was inevitable. And no matter how I've tried to fight it, I knew that at some point in life I would have to choose. I'll take an infamous line from Samantha Jones here (Sex & The City, SHEESH!):

[Dear Food,]

"I love you...But I love ME more." *xoxo*

Yours in Health & Fabulousness,

Vixen

Today was full of highs & lows. Certainty & uncertainty. Hope & doubt.

I had my physical exam to try and set things off on the right foot. Especially since I know that Dr. monitored weight loss is part of the deal when it comes to getting to the surgery date. I found out I have a “mild” heart murmur, which did not please the queen at. ALL. But the good thing is that my doc said he will try to help the process along as much as possible.

I also went to my first meeting at the Fat Surgeon’s office. *straightface* (some of the BIGGEST waiting room chairs I’ve EVER seen. And a “cattle” scale to boot.) GREAT info session that provided me with info that I hadn’t thought about. I may ultimately decide to take a route other than the Lap Band – totally dependent on what is/isn’t covered by my insurance -but at this point, I’m going with my gut. (no pun intended)

So, maybe I just need to chalk it up to my own ignorance…but the process leading to actually scheduling the surgery is ALOT longer than I anticipated. Granted, I have limited first hand knowledge, and everyone’s experience is different. But, I was told [in general] to expect a 3 month (best case) to 1 year (worst case) wait before my actual surgery date. Of course there are 100/50/11 tons of paperwork, and testing, and evaluations, and re-DUNK-ulous insurance “stuff” to be handled. Hell, my insurance may not even approve it. (tho according to the requirements for candidacy, I’m a shoe-in). I am starting to get concerned about the possibility that I may be denied. Which will leave me at big, fat, square one.

I did find that I’ll be able to utilize some of my own resources (ie: my own doctors) to get some of the pre-requisites accomplished (psyche eval, medical clearance, etc). But I also found that to land on the closer end of the surgery date spectrum (for me, best case is looking like a September surgery date) I could do a “one stop shop” at the surgical facility. Bad news is that will add on some out-of-pocket costs on my end. *sigh*

What to do, what to do? (tho im not even sure I’ll even have a say – I gotta see what Aetna is talking about first.)

What I *DO* know is: I grossly underestimated how convoluted the process is for me to go from my dream to my destiny. Admittedly, I left there feeling a little discouraged. All of the what-if’s and uncertainty is like’ta give me a friggen anxiety attack.I have my “official” consultation – my own personal path forward – scheduled for March 15. Things should be clearer by then.

On another note: Day 1 of operation Skinny Cow (an oxymoron, I know. A cow can only be so skinny. I get it. But it seemed to fit my mood today *lol*)I think I’ll make my food journal entries separate from here on out. Just consider today a 2 for 1 special.

Starting point: 300#

Fatty Girl Food Journal:

• Bowl of Life Cereal w/soy milk
  
• small slice cheese pizza
  
• 1/2 grilled chicken quesedilla w/low fat cheese
  
• 1 fudge pop (a surprisingly good treat @ only 60 calories!)
  
• fresh apple juice
  

I feel pretty full, but my daily diet leaves alot to be desired. I’ll have to consume more food/healthy snacks spread out over the course of the day. But seriously, just looking at it – this is a STELLAR performance for me considering… I definitely need to work in more water, alot less juice, and add some veggies. No problem. Today was just one of those kinds of days. Btu I’m proud.

*yawn*

It’s been a long day. I’m calling it a night… Maybe my outlook will be better in the morning. Time to take it to God in prayer! What’s meant to be…WILL!

Keep blogging it also helps. Best wishes on your journey. imaluckydog

I plan too - actually, I cross-post from my main blog: vanishingvixen.wordpress.com