KMCD

Hi guys! Guess it's time I got back in the game. I went AWOL for a while. So many things have happened over the last summer that I can't wrap my brain around it. First and foremost, my ex-husband died. His wife/widow has been a total jerk to my daughter and won't let her come back over to the house to get her things from the bedroom there. Guess she thinks we are going to take something. Three weeks later, my partners mother passed away. She was 94 (almost 95) but it still hurt. She was doing really well until she got a virus. The virus got passed on to all my family members and landed my girls in the ER and then me at the doctors office for a total unfill. I was down to 194 at that point. With the unfill and all the stress of planning a memorial service (her mom died by herself as we were all throwing up at home) and the sadness, I gained weight and went back up to 199.8. During this whole summer, I have had to take my mom back and forth to the ER for illnesses and issues. Things with her have gotten worse and it has been an incredible strain on the family (financially, physically and emotionally). I've finally started getting some of my fill back and I'm up to 3 cc's. I had 5.5 cc's before the unfill. I was so sick and had thrown up (sorry to be graphic) so hard, that I burst blood vessels in my face. Anyway, this has been a hell of a summer and I don't see it letting up any time soon. My mom is still sick and we are having a really hard time getting her to stay on any treatment. We've started thinking that she has dementia. It's just crazy. I am going to try to get back on the horse and start losing again. I've just lost so much confidence in myself and my ability to lose weight right now. :thumbup: Not smart on my part, I know. Thanks for listening...hope to get back in touch with you guys soon...KMCD

Still hovering around 196. Today, I was 196.8 (I guess that's up .6?), that's up, but at least it's not way up. Had a tragic week. My ex-husband is dying and my daughter is beside herself. Cancer sucks! Ate too many sweets this week and didn't work out at all. Just felt sad and worried about my daughter. Next week will be better.... I'm thinking about going in for another adjustment. Was looking at a pair of pants (size 10's) and just dreaming about fitting into them. I give myself a year and I hope and pray I will be there...

Hi guys. Didn't want to post because I didn't lose any weight. Oh well....having tons of sweets that the family reunion had nothing to do with that I'm sure! Back on target.... Oh and I decided not to do a weight loss challenge this early out. I am already down on myself now and I don't want to add another reason to it....Keep up the good work everyone!

Oops! Just checked the document and I AM on there! Thanks lingling, you are amazing!!!

I don't think I'm on the spreadsheet either, but I think it got too big. I'm okay with that. I didn't want to weight today, but I did and I'm glad I did. I'm getting further and further away from the 200's! 196.2!!! I hope the trend continues...

Hey jukebox, sorry it took so long to respond. I dont' understand first bite syndrome. I just know that some days I can eat what I want and then some days, I take two bites and I hurt so bad that I wonder if I'm having a heart attack. It happened again this morning (although it can happen at lunch or dinner too). I've tried paying attention to when I eat and how hungry I am to be sure I'm not eating too fast. I am guilty of that and of taking too big a bite, but it's so strange that it doesn't happen every time I eat. Some mornings, I can eat anything. Some evenings, I just give up and stop eating. I can see how you wouldn't want to eat cause this is a strong deterrant. However, I seem to just be sliding into a depression and now I find myself stress eating...I don't want to weigh on Friday...:thumbup: I do feel hunger, but I have A LOT of head hunger that makes me feel insane...

1. WEIGHT- I'm losing, but stalling out around 199, so fun going up and down between onederland and 200...I'm trying not to focus too much on the pounds but on the fact that my clothes are all loose. 2. FILLS- one fill (1.5 mL's) a week and a half ago. Really strange feeling... 3. RESTRICTION- well, it's weird. Some days, I can eat whatever the heck I want, others, I get stuck and throw up. The pain is unbelievable and I'm starting to wonder if I'm just an idiot that can't seem to get it right. Is this bandster hell? 4. RULES- what rules? I am horrible at following the rules. I do try to ensure that I eat protein first and then vegetables, but I have to admit, I have had SF ice cream, cake, pie, flour tortillas, bread (carbs are my nemesis)...the worst one is not drinking while eating. I have yet to break that pattern 100%. When I've been painfully stuck, a sip of water will bring whatever the offending bite was up and out, which is sweet relief. Never thought I would say that about PB'ing, but LORD, the pain of being stuck is horrendous. You'd think that I would just stop trying to eat at this point...I do chew chew chew, which is new for me. Maybe I am learning something, slowly but surely. 5. ANYTHING ELSE-I have realized that diet coke tastes like crap when you haven't had it in a while, so I'm not having a problem with staying off of carbonated drinks. I was going to post this morning about being an idiot that keeps getting stuck. I try to take smaller bites, but I get so hungry and stupidly start to eat like I've never had a band...really tiresome. I'm not sure when I will get it through my thick skull...feeling really down on myself about it. I'd like to at least make it down to 198 in the next few weeks. I'm not even going to try for a July 4th challenge. I am riding my bike more and loving it though...

Ok well, I had my first REAL PB and throw up last night. It hurt so darn bad!!!! I knew exactly what I did and why it happened. I was starving. The food tasted so good, I was taking too big a bite. It stuck, I tried to wash it down with water and all of a sudden, I starting salivating like a dog! I don't think that was sliming because it was definately just saliva. I took off for the bathroom, threw up the water and then the offending too large bite. No nausea but instant relief when I got it up. The pain was horrific! I waited a little while and then started again (you can't keep me from food too long) and ate slowly and with small bites. I stopped before I even thought I might be full and got the rest to go...I guess my lesson was learned for the time being and I'm sure I will do it again...but MAN, what an experience! If I hadn't been warned about it, I would have thought I was having a heart attack! YIKES! God! Please help me not to do that again!!!!!!!

Hey JayTee that's better than me! Down .2 of a pound :biggrin: I'm 199.0. It's my own darn fault. Bad week eating wise. Feeling lots of NSV's though, shorts are definately loose around the waist. My port is also getting easier to feel...is that an NSV? Oh well, I won't be the biggest loser this week, but I lost and didn't gain! :biggrin:

I agree with band groupie. I have so much support here and I feel so much more comfortable on this site, plus I don't have a ton of time to get baby sitters, etc to take time to travel to a meeting that I may not even feel comfortable in. Online seems to be a really good fit for me. The people I have "met" on this site have been wonderfully supportive. I also have a group associated with the big hospital that I could go to that combines everyone. I like having a majority on this site where everyone has had a lap band at some point at least and knows what it's like. Not that I want to exclude anyone, its just more comfortable for me. I might look into attending an actual group later though...

What a WONDERFUL song!!!!! You are so creative!

Ok, so I said I would put more up about this last night, but with the kids, getting ready for bed....I just didn't have time. The article is called "The Easier Way to Diet" by Martha Beck She talks about a five-step plan to help master your "beastie brain" and "relax the weight off." She makes four key points about our brains and how there are several layers to our brains. Basically, the "wanting to be thin" (cyberbrain) part of the brain is always at war with the "feed me now" brain (beastie). This also relates to the nervous system that goes back and forth between "fight or flight" and "rest and relaxation." Obviously, when the cyberbrain is in control you naturally restrict your intake. Repeated dieting and constant negative thoughts theoretically rev up your fight or flight/beastie brain. She has come up with five steps to combat the issue and calls it SO FAR: S - Stop - feeling anxious, hating yourself, just ate a ton? Stop and shout "Nature break!" O - Open - once you are by yourself work to get back to that "rest and relaxation" part of your brain by Opening up. Relax your body by opening your lungs, your eyes and stretch your muscles. F - Forgive - She says this is the most important step. You must forgive yourself and your body. Make a list of things that you've done right, don't just focus on having eaten those 10 Cookies (yeah, I used to be able to do that! No MORE though!). She says that eventually, you will reach self-forgiveness and the "calm observer" part of the brain will become more active. A - Accept - Once you can forgive yourself, it's time to allow things to happen as they do. (sounds sort of like the AA mantra - "accept the things I cannot control") R - Renew - From that place of "stillness, openness, forgiveness and acceptance, you can Renew your commitment to any eating plan you like." Is it over simplified? Sure. But I like the idea of forgiving myself for being overweight, for choosing poorly that day, past days and past years. I want to accept myself now and enjoy my new body as it begins to change through this process. Good luck to all of us! I look forward to our weigh ins on Friday. We have SO FAR to go in our journey, but at the same time, we really have come SO FAR...Thanks for reading...

Okay, so I had this huge epiphany yesterday and decided that I need to forgive myself for being so overweight for so long. I am always beating myself up for over-eating, for feeling too fat to sit on a porch swing, for having to look at the very last dress on the row of dresses for the "big girl size", for having to go to a different store because they don't carry my size, etc, etc... Well, yesterday I just decided, it was ENOUGH! So, now I'm only going to be nice to myself and when I hear myself say something about my big butt or my flabby arms, I am going to stop myself and then say something positive. Well, low and behold, I opened the new Oprah magazine and there is an article regarding that VERY idea!!! Of course, I left it at home and I'm on break at work, but when I get home, I'll add the info from the article and a little excerpt. I was floored! I just wondered how many of us are really angry at ourselves for getting into this position and haven't really considered forgiving ourselves and moving forward. To me, I just can't move forward if I harbor ill feelings about myself. I feel that if I don't let go of my tortured past, I am doomed to repeat it...know what I mean? Hope everyone is doing well...

Hey JayTee, thanks for your reply. I talked to the nurse on Friday and actually started feeling a little better. I guess that it's just going to feel strange after a fill and I just have to get used to it. I went to a party last night and ate about a cup of food, but it all went down. I do have to chew, chew, chew though or it hurts like hell. It's all good and I'm a wimp I suppose. I just hate nausea with a passion!!! The other thing I discovered is that I do not do well at all on clear liquids. I get really sick to my stomach and dizzy. Once I add solids back into my diet, the nausea disappears and I feel normal. Ah well, thanks for listening....

Hey smilan! You are doing great! I had a bad week too! On Wednesday, I heard some cookie dough calling me from the freezer. :smile: I ate it! :smile: I felt bad about it, but thought, I just gotta get back on the wagon, that's all...I LOVE chocolate and sweets. Now all the sweets taste over the top sweet though. The cookie dough tasted great, but I got a tummy ache afterward. I have to learn the hard way. Great job on going down TWO sizes!!! That is amazing! You shouldn't be too hard on yourself. We can't deny ourselves ALL sweets for the rest of our lives...right?