bfrancis

Hello Just a quickie to announce and advertise my new blog. I received some pretty uplifting comments on one of my first posts, which engaged me into examining the whole blog phenomenon and, as a result, have launched Banded Ben It will be more of an essay repository rather than quick thoughts or questions - on weight related issues, my analysis of me and weight psychology, the surgery and experience of the Lap Band after D-Day on 27th Feb. You may well find my writings to be as overweight and padded as me - in which case please do turn off, but I have enjoyed writing my first posts and would like you to just take a peek as I am not yet advertising the fact of this to most of my friends and family yet...you are my only Lap Band Buddies...sniff, sniff & sob... I hope you can take a quick look. Banded Ben Many thanks Ben

Whilst sitting in the "green room" waiting to be called on set (actually, the name was quite apt as we were sat in a stuffy snooker room in the back of an old gentleman's club...baize green everywhere!) I had another moment of diving into people's psyche concerning us fatties (for those of a sensitive nature, scrub that and read "bariatrically challenged" or "those of a less than slender approach"). The moment that sparked my grey cells was when, as usual, I preempted the jokes and jibes that could be thrown at me - by putting myself down. I seem to recall it was some throw-away comment about squeezing in to a too-tight top which made me feel like a homosexual piglet in a boob-tube. As I uttered the defensive barrier, a very lovely lady leaned over to me (amongst the other actors laughing) and said "you shouldn't put yourself down like that...you're not fat." For a moment, I listened to her words and for an even briefer moment in time, I actually believed her. I like to consider myself an intelligent man and, being one hundred and fifteen pounds over my ideal weight, I have used many mathematical formulae and a sprinkle of the laws of physics to deduce that I am indeed fat. In fact, my calculation led me to the category of "morbidly obese". As much as I hate that label, that is what I am. And I look it. So what made that woman, who I must sat was a little chunky herself, advise me that I was not fat? Was she mad? Did she stem from a foreign country and was actually trying to say "you are not fit"? Was she being sarcastic and making fun of me? I believe she, like countless other of my friends and family over the years, was just being kind. She saw a stigma in the reference if fat, just like most people across the world do. She, unlike some of the less than sensitive people I have met in my life, handled this with an assumed kindness. A certain flattery that was meant to pat me on the back and say "there, there, you'll be OK". I would be an awfully cynical human being if I said that I didn't appreciate that kind of response. After all, it is well intentioned and far preferable to the kinds of insults one normally receives from the less civilized and less educated people in the world. Also, she was obviously under the impression that my put down servered no other purpose other than self-abuse. But, us overweight people know that it is far better to beat the others to the punchline than to have to sit through the humiliation when others cast their fatty remarks. But, forgetting that aspect, does it really help the situation when someone pats you on the backk and says "never mind, your not fat"? Having grown up fat, been educated fat and gone through my adult life fat, I have heard many, many people accuse me of not being "fat" or "too fat" before. People who are close to me. People who care for me. And people who are just embarrassed about the word or concept of "fat". But, I have now come to the conclusion that they have been part of my problem. Had everyone I had come in contact with over the years behaved like the Neanderthal beings that have caused me pain, embarrassment and tears over the past thirty six years, I believe I may have started to do something about it sooner. Had they publicly humiliated me, called me names and lessened by character because if my weight, I may well be slim, athletic and proud of myself. I may well be one of them. With every denial of my weight issues, came a psychological acceptance. They cared for my feelings, and in doings so aided my fast ride to diabetes, circulation problems, countless other health issues and even early death. They were indeed killing with kindness. Now I have decided to undergo the (not so controversial of late) Lap Band procedure, I write this with a certain historical perspective in my mind. From here on in, I am going to be slimmer. I am going to be more athletic. I am going to be more proud of myself. I am going to be more like them. But, I am doing it under my own volition. I have chosen my time. Had the world been a darker place where, the people who care for me had been more cruel (my closest friends, my family, the people embarrassed of the "F" word), then I would feel unsettled. I would not be the person I am today. I would be miserable and entirely alone. Kindness and understanding is an essential part if ensuring our loved ones mature and develop on the outside as well as the inside. I am grateful for all the blatant lies of me not being fat through my life, as I understand that they were, in the main, meant with care and love. However, I am also strangely grateful to the bastards (and I cannot stress that word enough - but more of that in a later blog) that littered my life and helped point out the fact that, even without mathematical formulae, I was obviously fat. Originally posted at: Lap Band Blog

Whilst sitting in the "green room" waiting to be called on set (actually, the name was quite apt as we were sat in a stuffy snooker room in the back of an old gentleman's club...baize green everywhere!) I had another moment of diving into people's psyche concerning us fatties (for those of a sensitive nature, scrub that and read "bariatrically challenged" or "those of a less than slender approach"). The moment that sparked my grey cells was when, as usual, I preempted the jokes and jibes that could be thrown at me - by putting myself down. I seem to recall it was some throw-away comment about squeezing in to a too-tight top which made me feel like a homosexual piglet in a boob-tube. As I uttered the defensive barrier, a very lovely lady leaned over to me (amongst the other actors laughing) and said "you shouldn't put yourself down like that...you're not fat." For a moment, I listened to her words and for an even briefer moment in time, I actually believed her. I like to consider myself an intelligent man and, being one hundred and fifteen pounds over my ideal weight, I have used many mathematical formulae and a sprinkle of the laws of physics to deduce that I am indeed fat. In fact, my calculation led me to the category of "morbidly obese". As much as I hate that label, that is what I am. And I look it. So what made that woman, who I must sat was a little chunky herself, advise me that I was not fat? Was she mad? Did she stem from a foreign country and was actually trying to say "you are not fit"? Was she being sarcastic and making fun of me? I believe she, like countless other of my friends and family over the years, was just being kind. She saw a stigma in the reference if fat, just like most people across the world do. She, unlike some of the less than sensitive people I have met in my life, handled this with an assumed kindness. A certain flattery that was meant to pat me on the back and say "there, there, you'll be OK". I would be an awfully cynical human being if I said that I didn't appreciate that kind of response. After all, it is well intentioned and far preferable to the kinds of insults one normally receives from the less civilized and less educated people in the world. Also, she was obviously under the impression that my put down servered no other purpose other than self-abuse. But, us overweight people know that it is far better to beat the others to the punchline than to have to sit through the humiliation when others cast their fatty remarks. But, forgetting that aspect, does it really help the situation when someone pats you on the backk and says "never mind, your not fat"? Having grown up fat, been educated fat and gone through my adult life fat, I have heard many, many people accuse me of not being "fat" or "too fat" before. People who are close to me. People who care for me. And people who are just embarrassed about the word or concept of "fat". But, I have now come to the conclusion that they have been part of my problem. Had everyone I had come in contact with over the years behaved like the Neanderthal beings that have caused me pain, embarrassment and tears over the past thirty six years, I believe I may have started to do something about it sooner. Had they publicly humiliated me, called me names and lessened by character because if my weight, I may well be slim, athletic and proud of myself. I may well be one of them. With every denial of my weight issues, came a psychological acceptance. They cared for my feelings, and in doings so aided my fast ride to diabetes, circulation problems, countless other health issues and even early death. They were indeed killing with kindness. Now I have decided to undergo the (not so controversial of late) Lap Band procedure, I write this with a certain historical perspective in my mind. From here on in, I am going to be slimmer. I am going to be more athletic. I am going to be more proud of myself. I am going to be more like them. But, I am doing it under my own volition. I have chosen my time. Had the world been a darker place where, the people who care for me had been more cruel (my closest friends, my family, the people embarrassed of the "F" word), then I would feel unsettled. I would not be the person I am today. I would be miserable and entirely alone. Kindness and understanding is an essential part if ensuring our loved ones mature and develop on the outside as well as the inside. I am grateful for all the blatant lies of me not being fat through my life, as I understand that they were, in the main, meant with care and love. However, I am also strangely grateful to the bastards (and I cannot stress that word enough - but more of that in a later blog) that littered my life and helped point out the fact that, even without mathematical formulae, I was obviously fat. Originally posted at: Lap Band Blog

Whilst laying awake last night, I started to do a bit of self-analysis (keep those gutter minds out of the sewers please!) and examine my psyche a little bit. It's amazing how overworked my mind becomes when I go to bed ("hit the sack" for all you States-side peeps out there). Amongst many other world-changing theories and famine-busting mental dissertations, I stumbled across my new hobby - which I believe will be a good enough one to serve as my emotional crutch when my "eat the food, eat the plate, eat the table" endorphin-driven support has been removed at the end of the month. It reminded me of what I tend to do when I purchase something on the Internet that will take weeks to arrive - I go back the site where I bought it and look at the picture. A few hours later, I go to the manufacturer's site and download a brochure and read that. The next day, I go hunting for pictures of it on Google and browse those. Then I go to other sites that sell it and read more reviews...and this continues ad-infinitum until the damn thing arrives just to help me pass the shopaholic yearning. That's what keeps me excited about what-ever it is that is arriving (most lately, I'm proud to say it was an elliptical trainer - now there's a first for me!). That is exactly what I am doing now. I am preparing for my purchase in two weeks time (Lap Banded on 27th). I am reading reviews and visiting sites like this and taking in the stories of others who have bought it. When I eventually buy it, I will know that UPS will take their time delivering...in fact, I am going to have to do an awful lot of the driving and lugging myself. It will probably take two years to get here. But I will continue to read the amazing stories and see the awe-inspiring before & after pictures that you guys post here - all just to see me through to the day when mine is finally delivered. For me, it's going to be a relatively private affair until I can get my head around the life-changes that will no doubt occur after surgery - but people like you, who post stories along the way - before, during and after - are the people that are starting to replace my lifelong friend & enemy, food. I raise a glass of my pre-op-diet water to the founder of this site and further raise the entire bottle to all of you who contribute. Cheers! (originally posted in the LapBandTalk forum and at: Lap Band Blog)

Whilst laying awake last night, I started to do a bit of self-analysis (keep those gutter minds out of the sewers please!) and examine my psyche a little bit. It's amazing how overworked my mind becomes when I go to bed ("hit the sack" for all you States-side peeps out there). Amongst many other world-changing theories and famine-busting mental dissertations, I stumbled across my new hobby - which I believe will be a good enough one to serve as my emotional crutch when my "eat the food, eat the plate, eat the table" endorphin-driven support has been removed at the end of the month. It reminded me of what I tend to do when I purchase something on the Internet that will take weeks to arrive - I go back the site where I bought it and look at the picture. A few hours later, I go to the manufacturer's site and download a brochure and read that. The next day, I go hunting for pictures of it on Google and browse those. Then I go to other sites that sell it and read more reviews...and this continues ad-infinitum until the damn thing arrives just to help me pass the shopaholic yearning. That's what keeps me excited about what-ever it is that is arriving (most lately, I'm proud to say it was an elliptical trainer - now there's a first for me!). That is exactly what I am doing now. I am preparing for my purchase in two weeks time (Lap Banded on 27th). I am reading reviews and visiting sites like this and taking in the stories of others who have bought it. When I eventually buy it, I will know that UPS will take their time delivering...in fact, I am going to have to do an awful lot of the driving and lugging myself. It will probably take two years to get here. But I will continue to read the amazing stories and see the awe-inspiring before & after pictures that you guys post here - all just to see me through to the day when mine is finally delivered. For me, it's going to be a relatively private affair until I can get my head around the life-changes that will no doubt occur after surgery - but people like you, who post stories along the way - before, during and after - are the people that are starting to replace my lifelong friend & enemy, food. I raise a glass of my pre-op-diet water to the founder of this site and further raise the entire bottle to all of you who contribute. Cheers! (originally posted in the LapBandTalk forum and at: Lap Band Blog)

Following this post and the lovely comments I received from you guys, I have decided to set up a blog to see if I am a one hit wonder! I'm not entirely sure about this blogging thing - so bear with me while I find my feet - and find the best place to put things - blogs, forums etc. So - for my latest installment from my over-analysing mind, please visit my new blog at Banded Ben I hope you enjoy!

How very kind of you all! Thank you. That puts a little pressure on me for my next rambling! Thanks again.

Whilst laying awake last night, I started to do a bit of self-analysis (keep those gutter minds out of the sewers please!) and examine my psyche a little bit. It's amazing how overworked my mind becomes when I go to bed ("hit the sack" for all you States-side peeps out there). Amongst many other world-changing theories and famine-busting mental dissertations, I stumbled across my new hobby - which I believe will be a good enough one to serve as my emotional crutch when my "eat the food, eat the plate, eat the table" endorphine-driven support has been removed at the end of the month. It reminded me of what I tend to do when I purchase something on the Internet that will take weeks to arrive - I go back the site where I bought it and look at the picture. A few hours later, I go to the manufacturer's site and download a brochure and read that. The next day, I go hunting for pictures of it on Google and browse those. Then I go to other sites that sell it and read more reviews...and this continues ad-infinitum until the damn thing arrives just to help me pass the shopaholic yearning. That's what keeps me excited about what-ever it is that is arriving (most lately, I'm proud to say it was an eliptical trainer - now there's a first for me!). That is exactly what I am doing now. I am preparing for my purchase in two weeks time (Lap Banded on 27th). I am reading reviews and visitng sites like this and taking in the stories of others who have bought it. When I eventually buy it, I will know that UPS will take their time delivering...in fact, I am going to have to do an awful lot of the driving and lugging myself. It will probably take two years to get here. But I will continue to read the amazing stories and see the awe-inspiring before & after pictures that you guys post here - all just to see me through to the day when mine is finally delivered. For me, it's going to be a relatively private affair until I can get my head around the life-changes that will no doubt occur after surgery - but people like you, who post stories along the way - before, during and after - are the people that are starting to replace my lifelong friend & enemy, food. I raise a glass of my pre-op-diet Water to the founder of this site and further raise the entire bottle to all of you who contribute. Cheers!

I am scheduled for 27th too...thirteen days and counting!

I'm booked in for 27th Feb. Very excited and even more nervous - started training and the pre op diet a week early because of excitement. Planning my epitaph because of the nerves! Perhaps I should occupy my mind with other things...tum de dum....

Oh my. The date has come through - 27th Feb. Now it's a little bit real! I wonder if the surgeon will cut out this damn plague of over excitable, rather large butterlies that have just hatched in my stomach...?

Thanks RestlessMonkey!

Just a quick note from the UK - a 6'3'', 315 pounder awaiting a date for surgery. I have to say - it feels a bit weird at my height and weight feeling so terrified about what lies ahead - but like a lot of you here, I'm doing this for my kids...so brave face Ben...brave face! Do I tell people? No it's embarrassing! I'm admitting failure! No I'm not, I'm accepting help on teh way to a healthier me. I'm being reborn! Will I wake up from the operation? Oh no - what's this about mortality rates?! All the things that I imagine everyone went through or is going through. Soooo many emotions to be had in such a short time! Nice to see so many inspirational stories happening on this site - and wonderful before and after successes and picture. I stand amazed that I have managed to avoid the camera for most of my adult life due to the shame I have in my body and all I could find are my acting headshots (which were reluctantly allowed - the painful shame of a shy actor!). I'll be sure to dig out less flattering ones when I can. So - hello to everyone and watch this space... Ben