Lilfootie

I’m going in tomorrow! Noon surgery. Hugs to the other October 19th surgeries. See you on the other side of the war 😬

I’m going in tomorrow! Noon surgery. Hugs to the other October 19th surgeries. See you on the other side of the war 😬

I should be too! I have my upper endoscopy tomorrow and dietician appt Tuesday. Submitting Tuesday afternoon. So exciting! COVID has delayed so much! Proud of myself for sticking with it since January lol. I think of it as more time to change my lifestyle before the shock of surgery.

I just want to post a little food for thought (lol). This has little to do with most of the posts on this thread, but I cringe when I hear people talk about others as “toxic”. People are not toxic. Nobody is toxic. It is a label assigned to someone that redistributes the power balance. These days instead of saying “this person does not respect my boundaries” “this person’s comments are constantly hurtful to me” “I don’t know how to assert myself when this person triggers my self-consciousness/self-hatred” “I am too sensitive to handle this person’s honesty” “It feels awful when I freeze instead of telling that person their actions were not ok with me” etc, etc, etc, people just say “that person is toxic”. Saying someone is toxic makes assigns the work to that person and then dismisses the issue (which is usually one of boundaries). We are not constantly fending off toxicity. We have all probably been called a toxic person by someone. In parenting right now (I have a 5 yr old) it is very popular to take on the idea that “my child is not responsible for my anger/anxiety/reaction when they __________”. If my daughter has to try on 6,000 pairs of shoes while telling me “duh” and having a meltdown, making me late to work, and I yell at her and am crabby at my meeting - that’s not her fault. I can work on this reaction, I can work on this routine, and I can find out why 6000 shoes were (duh) not enough and was so important to her. My kid is not toxic because I am crabby in the morning and late to work almost every day. I think this is true in any relationship - the other person is not you, not in your head, they have other priorities, and most of the time we don’t tell people how we need them to react to feel supported. The OP could have talked to her friends before surgery and told them what she needed from them - it might have changed how they supported her. Or she can set boundaries now (e.g. If we are going to go out, we are not talking about x,y,z, because __________”). Call someone rude, mean, dishonest, unfaithful, blunt, jealous - something specific that helps you and them learn from the relationship. If the person means something to you, give them something meaningful back. Calling them toxic will only lead you to more toxic people, because you will have the same reaction. My advice to the OP would be to be honest with the friends you still want to have. You won’t always react perfectly (or even well) to all of your loved ones’ life-changes either, so give them the chance to not handle it perfectly either. If they still suck after you are honest and set boundaries, then good riddance. Sorry - had to preach! Not meaning to offend! Somebody totally blew my mind about “toxic people” not existing a year ago and my relationships have been so much better.

I just want to post a little food for thought (lol). This has little to do with most of the posts on this thread, but I cringe when I hear people talk about others as “toxic”. People are not toxic. Nobody is toxic. It is a label assigned to someone that redistributes the power balance. These days instead of saying “this person does not respect my boundaries” “this person’s comments are constantly hurtful to me” “I don’t know how to assert myself when this person triggers my self-consciousness/self-hatred” “I am too sensitive to handle this person’s honesty” “It feels awful when I freeze instead of telling that person their actions were not ok with me” etc, etc, etc, people just say “that person is toxic”. Saying someone is toxic makes assigns the work to that person and then dismisses the issue (which is usually one of boundaries). We are not constantly fending off toxicity. We have all probably been called a toxic person by someone. In parenting right now (I have a 5 yr old) it is very popular to take on the idea that “my child is not responsible for my anger/anxiety/reaction when they __________”. If my daughter has to try on 6,000 pairs of shoes while telling me “duh” and having a meltdown, making me late to work, and I yell at her and am crabby at my meeting - that’s not her fault. I can work on this reaction, I can work on this routine, and I can find out why 6000 shoes were (duh) not enough and was so important to her. My kid is not toxic because I am crabby in the morning and late to work almost every day. I think this is true in any relationship - the other person is not you, not in your head, they have other priorities, and most of the time we don’t tell people how we need them to react to feel supported. The OP could have talked to her friends before surgery and told them what she needed from them - it might have changed how they supported her. Or she can set boundaries now (e.g. If we are going to go out, we are not talking about x,y,z, because __________”). Call someone rude, mean, dishonest, unfaithful, blunt, jealous - something specific that helps you and them learn from the relationship. If the person means something to you, give them something meaningful back. Calling them toxic will only lead you to more toxic people, because you will have the same reaction. My advice to the OP would be to be honest with the friends you still want to have. You won’t always react perfectly (or even well) to all of your loved ones’ life-changes either, so give them the chance to not handle it perfectly either. If they still suck after you are honest and set boundaries, then good riddance. Sorry - had to preach! Not meaning to offend! Somebody totally blew my mind about “toxic people” not existing a year ago and my relationships have been so much better.

I should be too! I have my upper endoscopy tomorrow and dietician appt Tuesday. Submitting Tuesday afternoon. So exciting! COVID has delayed so much! Proud of myself for sticking with it since January lol. I think of it as more time to change my lifestyle before the shock of surgery.

Best of luck Monday!!!!

Good luck to everyone who is having surgery tomorrow!!! ❤️

Good luck to everyone who is having surgery tomorrow!!! ❤️

Best of luck Monday!!!!

My heart goes out to you, because I have been in a handful of relationships like this one, and they never feel good in the moment. It must be double hard as you are about to make a major change in your life and really want that support from him. It sounds like he is afraid to say “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I’m scared you will see that I am actually not worthy of your love. I’m scared that you will want someone better than me. I’m scared you are doing this so you can leave me.” Instead of saying those things to you, he wants you to take responsibility for his feelings, so it takes the pressure off of him and puts it on to you. Maybe you can confront this in a compassionate way, tell him what your own fears are for the relationship, and see if he will commit to 1session only with your therapist to talk through it, because you love him so much. He might go more often to therapy if you can get him in the door once. He seems like a sensitive soul who doesn’t have a good way of telling you that he feels unlovable. It is not on you to convince him, for sure, but we all have times (years sometimes) where we feel lost, or like we aren’t our best selves. Hope you have a wonderful experience with the surgery and that you have a good support system, whoever it may be ❤️

My heart goes out to you, because I have been in a handful of relationships like this one, and they never feel good in the moment. It must be double hard as you are about to make a major change in your life and really want that support from him. It sounds like he is afraid to say “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I’m scared you will see that I am actually not worthy of your love. I’m scared that you will want someone better than me. I’m scared you are doing this so you can leave me.” Instead of saying those things to you, he wants you to take responsibility for his feelings, so it takes the pressure off of him and puts it on to you. Maybe you can confront this in a compassionate way, tell him what your own fears are for the relationship, and see if he will commit to 1session only with your therapist to talk through it, because you love him so much. He might go more often to therapy if you can get him in the door once. He seems like a sensitive soul who doesn’t have a good way of telling you that he feels unlovable. It is not on you to convince him, for sure, but we all have times (years sometimes) where we feel lost, or like we aren’t our best selves. Hope you have a wonderful experience with the surgery and that you have a good support system, whoever it may be ❤️

My heart goes out to you, because I have been in a handful of relationships like this one, and they never feel good in the moment. It must be double hard as you are about to make a major change in your life and really want that support from him. It sounds like he is afraid to say “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I’m scared you will see that I am actually not worthy of your love. I’m scared that you will want someone better than me. I’m scared you are doing this so you can leave me.” Instead of saying those things to you, he wants you to take responsibility for his feelings, so it takes the pressure off of him and puts it on to you. Maybe you can confront this in a compassionate way, tell him what your own fears are for the relationship, and see if he will commit to 1session only with your therapist to talk through it, because you love him so much. He might go more often to therapy if you can get him in the door once. He seems like a sensitive soul who doesn’t have a good way of telling you that he feels unlovable. It is not on you to convince him, for sure, but we all have times (years sometimes) where we feel lost, or like we aren’t our best selves. Hope you have a wonderful experience with the surgery and that you have a good support system, whoever it may be ❤️

My heart goes out to you, because I have been in a handful of relationships like this one, and they never feel good in the moment. It must be double hard as you are about to make a major change in your life and really want that support from him. It sounds like he is afraid to say “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I’m scared you will see that I am actually not worthy of your love. I’m scared that you will want someone better than me. I’m scared you are doing this so you can leave me.” Instead of saying those things to you, he wants you to take responsibility for his feelings, so it takes the pressure off of him and puts it on to you. Maybe you can confront this in a compassionate way, tell him what your own fears are for the relationship, and see if he will commit to 1session only with your therapist to talk through it, because you love him so much. He might go more often to therapy if you can get him in the door once. He seems like a sensitive soul who doesn’t have a good way of telling you that he feels unlovable. It is not on you to convince him, for sure, but we all have times (years sometimes) where we feel lost, or like we aren’t our best selves. Hope you have a wonderful experience with the surgery and that you have a good support system, whoever it may be ❤️

My heart goes out to you, because I have been in a handful of relationships like this one, and they never feel good in the moment. It must be double hard as you are about to make a major change in your life and really want that support from him. It sounds like he is afraid to say “I’m scared I’m going to lose you. I’m scared you will see that I am actually not worthy of your love. I’m scared that you will want someone better than me. I’m scared you are doing this so you can leave me.” Instead of saying those things to you, he wants you to take responsibility for his feelings, so it takes the pressure off of him and puts it on to you. Maybe you can confront this in a compassionate way, tell him what your own fears are for the relationship, and see if he will commit to 1session only with your therapist to talk through it, because you love him so much. He might go more often to therapy if you can get him in the door once. He seems like a sensitive soul who doesn’t have a good way of telling you that he feels unlovable. It is not on you to convince him, for sure, but we all have times (years sometimes) where we feel lost, or like we aren’t our best selves. Hope you have a wonderful experience with the surgery and that you have a good support system, whoever it may be ❤️