Thetimeisnow2020

Hello,
My name is Kelsey and I am a 26 yr old type 1 diabetic nurse. I am not married and I do not have children. I recently packed up my belongings and sold my house in PA, in hopes to finding a brighter, happier future in North Carolina. Ive been here for about 2 months now.
One morning, while getting ready for a long 13 hr night shift, I looked in the mirror and was stopped dead in my tracks when I saw what was looking back at me. Who was that? What did I let happen?
There I was. 220 lbs looking back at me. Rolls, stretch marks, fat....staring back at me. I wish I could say the mirror lies, but it didn't. That was the solid truth. That was the reflection of someone who dreaded getting dressed in the morning because of how I looked in all my clothing. The reflection of someone who hated getting a bath because she'd have to see herself naked and notice how the bath Water doesn't even reach above her stomach when she lies down in it. She cant even submerge her thighs in the water. The reflection of a girl who's eyes welled up with fresh salty tears cause every night when she lies down for sleep, she tells herself she wont do this tomorrow. She wont overeat, comfort eat, boredom eat, and emotional eat the next day... and when the first daylight hours comes realizes she already failed the promises she made to herself the mere hours before.
It's painful and frustrating to hate everything you are in terms of appearance. Its hard to want to go out and meet people and make friends in a new area when you know all you're going to be focused on is pulling your shirt out away from your stomach when you sit down, hoping it, for once, wont cling to you.
On April 14th, 2020, I googled possible options to help me battle this overwhelming addiction to food and overeating and discovered this thing called Endoscopic Sleeve Gastroplasty (ESG). Even as a surgical nurse, I never knew this existed. I was intrigued to say the least.
On April 15th, 2020 I was emailed back by a near gastroenterology clinic after my inquires on the procedure. In just the few following hours, and one phone call interview from the surgeon... I WAS APPROVED and medically cleared for the procedure. Then the assistant mentioned the finances and bills. Because I wasn't quite obese "enough", the procedure wouldn't be considered medically necessary, therefore wouldn't be covered by insurance. The price tag? $10,000 out of pocket. That night I laid in bed excited that maybe I found a crutch that could help me move forward and not loathe myself so much, but also distraught over realizing how much money i'd have to dedicate to something that relied so much on my own dedication to it. Oh well, its time right?
April 16th, 2020 I told my parents about my decision to proceed with the procedure. I was apprehensive about mentioning it for a few reasons. 1. I didn't want the lecture about "maybe theres more important things you could use that money for". After all, some decisions I have made in the past haven't been the most thought out or haven't been what my family would have chosen for me. So was I disappointing my family? maybe. And I am so exhausted and tired of disappointing my family. I know I don't look the way they want me too. I've had several family members make heartbreaking comments about my weight and my body and "if would just lose 20 lbs, the opportunities [I'd] have. I've heard things like that for years. Eventually you start believing it. Your weight stops doors from opening, stops you from being loved and wanted, prevents you from being respected and admired. I do blame a lot of my anxiety and overthinking tendencies on my weight. it makes sense in my mind. Im physically disappointing. Why would anyone want me?
2. "Why don't you just exercise and eat fewer calories like a normal person?" It's like they never tried to lose weight and think its just that easy. Of course, sometimes I was just lazy and lacked the motivation to exercise like I could have. and yes, I indulged way too much and too often in foods that weren't necessarily good for me. But I also have type 1 diabetes, which makes balancing exercise and food consumption difficult. Let's say I am on one of my "get healthy" kicks and I go to the gym, hop on the treadmill, and not 8 minutes into it my insulin pump reads my sugars as 139...122...97...71...and before you know it im in the critical 40s and slurring my words and shaking uncontrollably. I need a sugary, carbloaded snack just to maintain a safe sugar level. Counterproductive... Frusturating.
May 6th, 2020. Covid-19 restrictions are finally being ever so gently lifted. Elective surgeries are starting to resume. On this day, I got an email from the office assistant asking about a tentative operative date. May 21st at 1:30. Be there at 12:30. . . you know I will be early. Finally, I have a countdown to start and a new beginning to look forward to.
I read the preop paperwork sent to me about all the guidelines for the few days before surgery and the lifetime of recommendations for after surgery. 2 tablespoons of substance for the first several weeks after surgery? That's a bit drastic. Especially considering I would eat 3 plates of food at a buffet before. Oh well. Its about time, right?
Today is May 9th... about 3 am. I'm at work and just cant stop thinking about the road ahead. Less than 2 weeks.... 12 days. That's it. Wow..