Recidivist

Hi, SAS. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this forum is not a supportive environment. Aside from my surgeon's office, I actually found Bariatric Pal to be the best place to turn for support, advice and information. I learned so much from the other members here and found that as a rule we encouraged each other and cheered the successes of other members.
I have seen the types of "shaming" posts you are talking about, but in my experience they are few and far between--and I think they are far outweighed by the positive and helpful posts. You will sometimes see "tough love" posts in response to people whose behavior suggests that they are not taking their diets seriously, but sometimes that's what they need. There's a difference between that and bullying or shaming.
I had my surgery in February 2019, and there was a thread for all of us who had surgeries that month. We became like a social club and really got to know each other, and I found that tremendously helpful during the first 6 to 8 months. (I will admit that we are no longer very active now that we are all in maintenance.)
Like you, I have not found any other sites that are as active as this one. I would urge you to stick with Bariatric Pal for a while. Hopefully you will find the support here that I have, and you can simply ignore the few people who engage in shaming. I would be happy to answer any questions you might have via a private message if you like (although I had bypass, not a sleeve).
I wish you all the best going forward, and I hope you find the support you need, whether it's here or elsewhere.

Hi, SAS. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this forum is not a supportive environment. Aside from my surgeon's office, I actually found Bariatric Pal to be the best place to turn for support, advice and information. I learned so much from the other members here and found that as a rule we encouraged each other and cheered the successes of other members.
I have seen the types of "shaming" posts you are talking about, but in my experience they are few and far between--and I think they are far outweighed by the positive and helpful posts. You will sometimes see "tough love" posts in response to people whose behavior suggests that they are not taking their diets seriously, but sometimes that's what they need. There's a difference between that and bullying or shaming.
I had my surgery in February 2019, and there was a thread for all of us who had surgeries that month. We became like a social club and really got to know each other, and I found that tremendously helpful during the first 6 to 8 months. (I will admit that we are no longer very active now that we are all in maintenance.)
Like you, I have not found any other sites that are as active as this one. I would urge you to stick with Bariatric Pal for a while. Hopefully you will find the support here that I have, and you can simply ignore the few people who engage in shaming. I would be happy to answer any questions you might have via a private message if you like (although I had bypass, not a sleeve).
I wish you all the best going forward, and I hope you find the support you need, whether it's here or elsewhere.

Hi, SAS. I'm so sorry to hear that you feel this forum is not a supportive environment. Aside from my surgeon's office, I actually found Bariatric Pal to be the best place to turn for support, advice and information. I learned so much from the other members here and found that as a rule we encouraged each other and cheered the successes of other members.
I have seen the types of "shaming" posts you are talking about, but in my experience they are few and far between--and I think they are far outweighed by the positive and helpful posts. You will sometimes see "tough love" posts in response to people whose behavior suggests that they are not taking their diets seriously, but sometimes that's what they need. There's a difference between that and bullying or shaming.
I had my surgery in February 2019, and there was a thread for all of us who had surgeries that month. We became like a social club and really got to know each other, and I found that tremendously helpful during the first 6 to 8 months. (I will admit that we are no longer very active now that we are all in maintenance.)
Like you, I have not found any other sites that are as active as this one. I would urge you to stick with Bariatric Pal for a while. Hopefully you will find the support here that I have, and you can simply ignore the few people who engage in shaming. I would be happy to answer any questions you might have via a private message if you like (although I had bypass, not a sleeve).
I wish you all the best going forward, and I hope you find the support you need, whether it's here or elsewhere.

I feel kind of weird asking this here because I don’t want to imply that this forum is bad for everyone, but... where do you all get support online besides this forum?
Honestly, I’m starting to feel like this is a very unsafe place to get support but I’m not sure of where else to go. I’m deaf, so the support group at my surgery center isn’t accessible for me communication-wise. I really need spaces online, especially once I get to my November surgery date. I haven’t posted much, but I’ve been lurking for a while and have experienced a lot of anxiety over the way that other people are getting shamed on these forums.
In the few months I’ve been lurking on these forums I’ve seen other members being shamed for all kinds of things: having second thoughts about surgery, eating something too soon after surgery, eating something that isn’t the ideal food, regaining weight, and making different kinds of mistakes. That’s not the kind of environment I need to be in. I’m hard enough on myself when I don’t do something perfectly in any area of life. Once I have my surgery I think I’ll be crushed if I come here seeking support and am shamed and treated like I’m subhuman for not doing things perfectly. Some of the things that are said here by other members would seriously derail me if those things were said to me.
But I’ve not had much success with finding other internet spaces that are as active as this one. Where do you all go besides here when you need support? Preferably, I’m looking for places where shaming other people isn’t tolerated.

Most of us gained some back when we got to maintenance. I had read enough on this forum to be prepared for that. I initially got down to 132 pounds, which was too thin, but I look good at my current weight of 142.

I literally burst into tears as they were ready to take me into the operating room and almost did't go through with the surgery. And I won't lie--the first few weeks were really tough and I did have some moments of regret. 18 months later, I look back on this as the best decision I've ever made!

I literally burst into tears as they were ready to take me into the operating room and almost did't go through with the surgery. And I won't lie--the first few weeks were really tough and I did have some moments of regret. 18 months later, I look back on this as the best decision I've ever made!

It's 2am I can't sleep, Feeling so restless.. just nervous and excited and anxious to get my surgery over with. It's just started to sink in and in the process it's driving me a little crazy please someone talk to me!! lol
Sent from my SM-G973U using BariatricPal mobile app

For me it's pizza--one of my absolute favorites before surgery but not really an option since. I have had a few bites here and there, but never again will I eat even a full slice.
As Catwoman said, you can have a little bit of just about anything from time to time once you are in maintenance, as long as you exercise restraint. I swore I would never eat processed sugar nor drink alcohol again after surgery, but I've done both on a couple of occasions over the last few months, with no ill effects.

Thanks for posting this. there are very few people on this board so long after their surgeries, and many of us wonder what it will be like in the long term. Your post is a valuable reminder that this is a lifetime change in our lifestyle and relationship with food.

Thanks for posting this. there are very few people on this board so long after their surgeries, and many of us wonder what it will be like in the long term. Your post is a valuable reminder that this is a lifetime change in our lifestyle and relationship with food.

Hi Locken,
Good afternoon. Wow!! I am sorry that you are going through this with a 27 year old marriage. Speaking from some experience in 2008 i started a romantic relationship with a gentleman that loved me unconditionally. Later next year I shared with him that I have thought of doing the WLS and he was physically supportive. He took care of me through recovery, he cooked separate meals for me being that i can only have mushy and crunchy. One thing I can say is that he began to feel very insecure as the weight started to shed off and my clothes were smaller and men outdoors were complimenting me. He became a stalker. We got engaged in 2010 and he began to emotionally abuse me and accussing me that i was cheating. He even had an image in his head that i did not work instead i spent my days in a hotel with men. I mean he got mentally sick. Long story short. I was loyal all my years with him but being that he felt i was not loyal, he decided to step out of the relationship and cheat in 2012. I was devastated and we parted.

Do what you believe will improve your health for yourself. If you both mean something to one another continue therapy, god willing he may join you one day.

If he loves you, he will trust that you would never commit infidelity.

Mine unfortunately was weak, insecure and selfish and im happier without him.
Miss cee

Sent from my SM-G960U1 using BariatricPal mobile app

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

AZHiker, I can relate to some parts of your story.
I still think of myself as a fat person, with all of the insecurities and self-doubt that entails. In spite of academic and career success, my parents always let me know that they considered me a failure because of my weight. (Unfortunately, neither of them lived to see me after surgery.) I know that had a huge impact on my self-image.
Unlike you, I think I compensated for my weight by being extremely outgoing and "the life of the party." I was basically the stereotype of the "jolly fat person" because I thought it was necessary in order to be liked and accepted. At work, I think people never took me seriously or saw me as a threat--I was just the wise-cracking fat guy.
After losing the weight, it's almost as though I'm not sure who I am. I've definitely noticed that people react to me differently since I've lost weight, and I no longer feel the need to have an over-the-top personality. I think this represents an opportunity to be judged for who I am and not how I look. That's unknown territory for me, and I'm trying to figure out how to navigate it. Losing the weight was much faster than no longer seeing myself as a fat and inferior person, which will take a while longer.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

Wow.
First of all, there is nothing selfish about taking control of your health by getting surgery. We all have the right to make smart choices about our health and our bodies, and you should be congratulated for taking the next step. You also have every right to Celebrate your weight loss success after surgery and to find joy in everyday life that may have eluded you before.
I'm not a psychologist, but I think it's pretty clear that your husband does NOT support your surgery. Saying you should think through your decision by giving you all the possible negative repercussions seems like a passive/aggressive attempt to talk you out of it. As you said, it's emotional abuse.
If you can't get him to go the therapy, you should address this with your therapist (if you haven't already) so you can separate you own needs from your husband's attempts to control you. This decision might be the catalyst you need to explore whether your marriage is worth saving.
Of course, I can't pretend to understand the dynamics of your marriage, but that's my honest assessment based on the information you have provided. Best wishes for whatever decision you make, and know that you will have a supportive community here throughout your journey.

I had both an encouraging and frustrating day. I don't know where else to vent since my surgery is private. My husband of 27 years is encouraging and accepting of my surgery plans, which I started in earnest today. I'm a few months from surgery (damn dietician requirements) but I am well researched and prepared to make a lifelong change. After discussing the hoops and loops, my husband made one last comment.
(Paraphrasing) "I support you in this surgery but I am pointing out that I want you to think through the fact that you will probably have an affair or divorce me. Or your personality will change. Or you'll think less of me because I'm somewhat overweight. And I want you to balance choice along with the advantage of better health and being thinner."
Our marriage is good but has had a few rocky seasons. I am normally active. He is not. I'm extroverted. He is not. There is some unhealthy co-dependent and emotional abuse. He refuses any marriage counseling or movement towards change. I've been in therapy for years, by myself.
I know this is more emotional abuse but essentially, I am being asked to DECIDE to gamble my marriage if I dare to consider surgery. He'll support me but if I push back even a little bit, with any kind of independence, any joy, or lust for life, I'm proving him correct. And it will be lorded over my head. *I* made the problem. I made the choice.
Any advice or insight on how to let guilt slide off your back? Or how to make a selfish decision for your own happiness?