cruelirony
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Life Has A Way of Getting You In The Weigh...
People eat. For one reason or another people eat. There's only one reason that you should; to fuel your body... but despite that, there is mass consumerism of food.I was raised in a house where you cleaned your plate. I'm not blaming anyone, but I can count countless things that I have digested simply to prevent waste.I remember years ago looking at obese women and thinking to myself how could they let themselves get that way. Maybe my life now is God's lesson in humility for those thoughts. It was a gradual thing, for me for the longest time. Five pounds more this year than last and so on. I don't think it really got out of hand until after I had my hysterectomy, and completely altered my body chemistry altogether. The surgery its self led to a lot of depression for me and I'm pretty sure I gained twenty pounds that year. I was just under two hundred pounds at the time and I thought I was fat then.I'm not sure it was ever a clear thought to remove the scales and the mirrors from my home. I realized about a year ago, like an epiphany, that I haven't seen myself in a full length mirror or been weighed on a scale for years. It was the day after I had caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and all I could do was cry. Hell I cried for nearly a week, just laying there feeling sorry for myself. My mind raced over my life searching for the last time that I could recall seeing myself and it had been a long time.The biggest crime you can commit is beating yourself up or letting others define you. That being said you need to be realistic too. We have grown into this society where we lie to ourselves and others as not to offend. When I made the decision to enter a bariatric program (physician monitored diet and exercise & potential surgery), I heard a lot of comments that were negative... but I think the one that hurt the most is being told "you are beautiful the way you are". First, I never said I was ugly. Second, how can you think me eating my way to death's doorstep is beautiful? Just respect my decision and be supportive!You really learn a lot about yourself when you join the bariatric program. It was so hard for me to go to that first appointment. I cried most of the way during the drive there. My heart was heavy when I walked through the door. Coming here was admitting to myself what I had become and it was hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm sure it was written all over my face, I checked in and waited in the reception room. My eyes surveyed the people in the room and I was trying to find someone that I identified with. Shockingly, most of the people in the room seemed to be a fair bit older than me, I argued with myself that I wasn't as bad off as them and then I was called into the back.Nothing could prepare me to walk in that room and see that huge cattle scale. I'm sure that's not what it is, but I also argue that you could easily fit a full size dairy cow upon it. She asked me to remove my shoes and then took my height and it yielded a result that I expected. I stepped upon the scale and it was digital, it settled on a number fast, it was instantly apparent to me that I had more than doubled the weight on my drivers license, (why do they let us get away with that? haha), I almost fainted. I instantly begin to cry and the nurse reassures me - yet it is no comfort at all. Next, they take a full length photo of me from the front and from the side. She began to ask if I would like to see the photo, but I think somehow she just knew that there was no way that I would look at it.I was given a folder filled with information that we went over that day. A restrictive diet and exercise program, and a host of obligations for me to meet with specialists to rule out any other medical issues. It seemed overwhelming.... man it was overwhelming.
Over the next several months I met with the weight management doctor and did a host of other clearances. Cardiac, Pulmonary, Psychological, blood work, xrays, ultrasound of my gall bladder, sleep study. I remember thinking to myself that there was no way that all of this was necessary. THIS IS MAJOR SURGERY - hello.... they are cutting up your insides! I continued to meet with the weight management doctor up and to about a month ago... I have about 19 days until my actual surgery.
I have to do three weeks of liquid diet. 7 Optifast shakes, 64 oz of caffeine free, sugar free, calorie free drinks... every day for 21 days. I won't eat food again until probably December... and it will be so little that it probably won't matter much. No one tells you how hard it is going to weigh on you emotionally. I am truly humbled.
The first day of Optifast broke me mentally. I cried most of the day and was a royal crotch. I yelled at my family for filling the house with food smells and not being supportive. I made it through the first day and then two hours after I drake the last shake for the day, I did something that I have never done in my life.
I binge ate.
I cried the whole time and almost vomited... WTF is wrong with me?!
I ended up crying and talking to one of my best friends and they reminded me how hard I worked up an to now and encouraged me to not beat myself up and just get up and try better tomorrow.
Day two I stuck to the shakes completely.
Today is day three and I am feeling a little more confident about things. It's been a life saver to be a part of the bariatric facebook community that is local to my area - I am feeling a little less crazy and realizing that I am not alone in the journey.-
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Beautifully written hon. I cried with you. I promise you...stick to your plans and it'll get easier. Keep checking yourself head on as well...all the mental aspects is what got MOST of us here. You will do well and you will succeed. Please keep us posted hon, I'm excited to hear more of your journey.
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Sold my soul to the Optifast Gods this passed Monday. My wallet is $400 lighter and I have less than two weeks until I start drinking 7 shakes a day and no food.
They said that I could have 1 cup total of either Peppers, lettuce, celery or cucumbers.... and that I was allowed to have sugar free - calorie free drinks and popsicles. But it is no doubt going to be three weeks of misery. on the 22nd day I will have to start my day before surgery stuff. I just hope it goes by fast.
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I did Optifast years ago before I decided to do this surgery. I finally stopped because I hit a stall and was paying like 1000 a month between the drinks and appointments. While I was on it I felt surprisingly full. It was not that hard to stick to. I think because of all the protein. I lost a lot of weight too ( gained it all back but whatever lol ). You can do it . Good luck.
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@Apple203 : My surgeon is requesting me to do Optifast (7 shakes/day) for the 21 days prior to my surgery.
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They finally set my surgery date and it is already pre-approved from my insurance provider. I cried a little, the date is further out than I had anticipated - but at least it is set and I am on my way!
I've got a lot of mixed emotions, I mean it's such a serious surgery... and I am a single mother. My boys are 13 & 11 and I think am I being selfish to put myself at risk like this or am I being smart because I'll be fine and it's important to be healthy. Who can say? I feel in my heart that if I don't do it that it's only a matter of time before I just don't wake up one day. But it's scary none the less.
I guess that I am going to have 3 weeks of optifast - I go to the class for it in 20 days. Then September will be busy and I will have a ton of appointments. Pre-op ed class, exercise class & weigh in, pre-admission testing, final visit with the surgeon & on to October!
It's difficult not being around anyone that understands how I am feeling or what I am going through. I cry a lot.
I'm mean because I am in pain everyday and I feel like I've pushed almost everyone away.
I can't wait for it to be better.
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I felt the same way about the risk for a long time. My girls are 9 and 12. Then I realized that being here for them today is not going to help them tomorrow or in 10 years when I'm not here because I died from some weight related illness. There are no guarantees in life, without risk, there is no reward.
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Today I have officially finished all of my pre-surgery testing and had my last supervised diet and exercise visit. Now I wait for them to review my file again and wait for my insurance to authorize pre-approval.
I'm eager to get the ball rolling but I heard we are likely looking at the end of June as a surgery date.
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What an insane day... My only day off during the week and all I wanted to do was sleep in, but I decided to stay get up and get the kids off to school and try to stay on my schedule with meals
FAILURE!!!
What is it they say about good intentions? Sheesh... Barely a moment after I shoo my youngest out the door I get a call from my oldest sons school and I need to rush over and complete some important paperwork that he neglected to give me on FRIDAY!... ugh I pull myself together and make myself presentable and I am not even 20 minutes into this paperwork and I am getting drug to a conference room. He's in trouble...which turned into him being in emotional crisis and consumed the next 4-5 hours of my day
no breakfast
no snack
no lunch
no snack
no drinks
I'm dying over here
and now I am finally home
i had one dill pickle
and 3 sips of a crystal light
and it's another 40 minutes until dinner will be ready
wtf
I am so scared there will be days like this after my surgery and I will simply keel over and die.
stress stress stress
I have to remember to breathe
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I try to keep little protein snacks at a grab for those days that just aren't normal like string cheese and nuts, I have small containers with measured out cottage cheese I keep some water bottles in the fridge for a grab and go because my water I pick up at the Artesian well and it is in a water cooler I keep plastic forks and spoons for on the o eating if I need and I always have left overs I keep in measured out small containers as well so I can grab and go I have doctors appts that take an hour to drive to so I need to do this or I could end up stopping somewhere not healthy to eat although that is rarely a problem for me because since my surgery I have not had much of an appetite but if I don't do this I will forget to eat and there is not enough time in the day to get all my protein in. Stress will do some weird things to you too as I have found out relax and breath like you said and prepare and you will be fine
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I am having an emotional day today. Been spending a lot of time thinking about what the Psychologist said about if I think my emotions are out of whack not to wait until the surgery... I am already so unkind... I hear it coming out of my mouth and just can't stop it... word vomit! I know how to apologize but it's not going to change anything...words have a way of sticking and still hurting...trust me, i know.
Some days I feel so overwhelmed and burdened, they have so many questions and I don't want to defend my choices. Other days I feel so alone. Nobody around me know how I feel and I am too damn tired to enlighten them.
I love me. Fat or thin won't make much difference...except I will be healthier and have a chance to live a longer life with my kiddos. I'm ashamed of how out of hand my weight has gotten...How ill losing my Mother has made me... when she died I sunk inside myself...doing only what I have to appease everyone and make them think I got it covered.
I'm doing this for me. I don't want to die in another 10 years like my mother. I don't want to abandon my kids that way. Plus I'm pretty freaking awesome... and I feel like I have more to give the world. It just messes me up, I feel so thin and beautiful until I pass a mirror or catch a glimpse of my reflection and then I don't even recognize myself. I have to change... I feel like I am trapped inside this fat suit being held hostage... it breaks my heart sometimes.
Believe in me...
(I'm trying to)
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i'm so tired.
all of the time...
exhausted, wiped, beat
zzzzz...
