first let me say, im fat because i ate too much and exercised to little. that being said, i believe the reason i ate too much started when i was around 14, i started to go through that stage where i was going from skinny pre-teen to junk-food-eating-with-friends teenager. this did not go unnoticed by my father, who was married to my constantly struggling with her weight mother. so to "help" me, he started watching everything i ate, and commenting on it. my entire home life became filled with shame-inducing comments like "you really dont need that", "what are u eating NOW?" and "why dont u run downstairs for your mother, u could use the exercise". most of the time, a pointed look was more than sufficient to induce shame. my younger brother enjoyed the ammunition supplied by my self-loathing and shame, and used it every chance he got. "go join weight watchers" "fatso" "call jenny craig", etc. it was fun times.
but i was smart, when i was left alone in the house i would binge from the second they were gone until the car pulled up. and i hid food and the evidence. i would eat things that didnt even taste good, just as long as there was LOTS of it, and i thought it wouldnt be missed.
add to that the years of hiding in my bedroom escaping into books rather than being active, and the YEARS and YEARS of diets after diets, from fads to Optifast to weight watchers to slim fast ,.,,,,every single one ....and gaining it all back plus......
AND that i found that food, and binging in particular (in private of course) provides a pleasant numbing feeling. its a powerful drug.
i still struggle with the secret eating. im still uncomfortable eating in front of others. the thought of a dinner date scares the hell out of me. im trying to get back on track with the band, and working out, and trying to stop this cycle of eating and shame and numbing and self-loathing. when are they coming out with the band for the BRAIN? lol
its no WONDER im fat!
