Butterfly07

I just got back from a surprise all expenses paid, 3 day mini-vacation with on old (female) friend. She was going to Vegas and invited me along, and I had a WONDERFUL time. I was a total bum, relaxed for 2 days by the pool (forgot sunscreen so got very burned - ugh), read, slept, swam, and for the first time for almost a year was able to really relax and let go. I don't gamble, so didn't lose any money because I didn't hit any gaming at all. Of course on the way home reality hit hard and fast, my Grandmother got the "official" breast cancer diagnosis and of course my father and sister (only living relatives pretty much) are no help, so the burden is all on me of course. I had loaned my son my car while I was gone, and he seemed to appreciate it. He and a group of his friends are going on a road trip next weekend and I said they could borrow my car (the few of them who have cars are too small or run down to make the trip). They will pay for me to have a rental, since they are all 18 or 19 they can't rent one. That seems to have gone a long way with him. Not that I am trying to buy him off, but he said the fact that I would trust him enough to do this said a lot, as well as the fact that I volunteered to do it. I saw my boyfriend this morning, and we have plans to try and get together on monday night. He makes my heart sing. I also went out last week and found a summer job at the local mall, I will work FT starting next week during the summer and evenings and weekends when I go back to my regular job. I feel positive that I'm trying to move ahead and figure out just who this new me is and what her life should be. I know there will be more ups and downs, but with you all and my local friends for support, maybe I can do this after all. You have been so helpful, thanks to my "band of buddies" for helping me. I always welcome words of wisdom or anything you have to say.

Thanks BJean, you give excellent advice. This past weekend was much better, after they came home from their trip with their father, my daughter came to me for the week and ranted about how upset she was that her dad's new girlfriend stayed at the house and watched the animals while they were away. I had no idea, and one of the dogs is my daughter's and she said she would have rather I watched the dog (I gave it to her when it was a puppy years ago), she was upset that she wasn't consulted, upset that "her" things were all over the house, thet "She" had replaced my daughter's CD in ex's car with one of her own and misplaced daughters, and that dad spend so much time on the phone with "her". I encouraged her to talk to her dad about her feelings and she said that she was also upset that he is hiding the relationship and doesn't even know this woman's name. As much as it pained me, I told her that her father may just be trying to do the right thing by not introducing them until the relationship lasts a bit longer, that perhaps he was concerned for daughter's reaction to the new woman in his life. I also said that perhaps it wasn't something that he felt was her business. She said that even though she's 14 she is very intelligent and I agreed, but I said that until you are an adult, sometimes it's hard to see a situtation from the adult's perspective. I encouraged her to keep communication open with him and to let him know if something was bugging her. I said I was thankful she had shared her feelings with me and hoped she would continue to do so. She didn't ask me if I was dating anyone (thankfully), but she did ask me that if I got serious with someone I would tell her, and I said yes, if I became serious w/someone I would let her know. The man I'm dating knows her because we used to work together and she knows him well, but neither of us is ready to go "public" yet, the transition from friends to more is new and we're feeling out way. Also, my son's big group of friends (since 4th grade) wound up coming over my apartment on saturday and so did he, they spent about 5 hrs with me (they always used to hang with me and call me mom). Since they went off to college this year I hadn't seen much of them and they have always been a great group and they have been great during the divorce. My son said he appreciated me having them all over and had a good time. Small steps, but I'm trying to focus on that. I know things are still going to be up and down with them, but I'm heading down to re-enroll in college to finish my degree (on-line classes), interviewing like mad for a summer job (work at a school, no income over summer) and thanks to wonderful friends am being taken on an all expenses paid trip for 3 days this week. How do you all think I handeled everything? Any more suggestions?

THANKS for all of the support and wonderful advice. It does help to hope that someday the kids will see that I am still the mother that was always there for them. I decided last night that I'd give them the space they need (will probably call them once a week) and left them both messages (shocked they didn't answer) saying that I loved them and would be there no matter what, reminded them of my phone number and said they should call me anytime they wanted. It may not have been the best way to do things, but I fear that I am so close to the breaking point if I don't step back I'll plumet down the edge and never recover. This all has hit me so very hard, and no one is looking out for me but me, so guess I'd better start doing a better job. My therapist said I should have better faith in the job I did in raising them and the people they have become and just try and give them the freedom to come back. This is harder than the divorce. I did sit back and look at my perspective last night, because I journaled that these are four letter words: Hope, Love, Need, Care, Want, Feel. Then I realized that it's just a matter of how you look at them, the words can be positive or negative, it's up to me to make them into what I want. I'm trying to hold on to my sanity and re-define who this new me is. I've lost 5lbs this week so far so one priority for me is to remember to eat! Thanks again!

:help:Hi all! I've posted in here quite a bit about my post band weight success as well as my subsequent divorce and battles with the ex. But, I can't take the emotional changes that have occured following the loss. The biggest thing is my kids. They don't understand why I left their father and I refuse to talk badly about their father tothem, and frankly feel even though they are older (18 & 14), it would still be damaging. The ex, however; has no trouble at all in talking badly about me. Also, his income is 5x mine (at the federal poverty level) and he is buying them everything and anything from cars to major vacations. He suddenly is involved in their lives after being emotionally and often physically absent in their lives. I have my daughter (14) every other week, and she is fine with me but very withdrawn most of the time (this isn't new, I assumed it was dealing with the tension in the house during the marriage). Sometimes she is fine. I have taken her to the doctor who checked her out medically & emotionally and she refuses counseling, and the doctor said it wouldn't help to force her to go now. When she is with her dad, she "forgets" to charge her cell phone so it's "dead" and no one answeres the house phone when I try to call. My son (18) lives away at college during the school year but for the summer he is living at his dad's. He says it's because that's where his room is (same house, I couldn't afford), but he won't even come visit me in my apt. He too, never answers my calls or text or e-mails. I've tried sitting him down and talking to him, yelling, crying and about anything else I could think of. What scares me the most is he says that I am just "imagining" things and that he's being the same towards me as he ever was. We were so close, he was nicknames "mini me" and we'd just laugh, talk and play together since he was able to talk, we think alike and could even finish each other's sentences. When he first went off to college he texted me, e-mailed and called almost daily. He says he logically understands the divorce but emotionally wants us to have stayed married & miserable. I even tried not calling hem for a week, but they never called me... As a result, I'm forgetting to eat (since surgery have not experiences hunger), can't dredge up the energy to exercise, which I'd been doing every day for almost 2 years, and just don't care about much. I have been on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist weekly for almost 8 months now. I changed jobs, residences, marital status, and cars (in MAJOR car accident in March) in ONE WEEK. My therapist says that I'm just overcome with all of the losses I've had so quickly. Last two complaints - I work at a school and am off all summer w/o pay, have been applying for anything and everything as a summer/2nd job and everyone wants full time permanent or says I'm over qualified. I have no idea how to pay my bills and am very worried. Also, yesterday my Grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's 89 years old, and the only link I have to my mom, who dies 3 years ago. My dad jets around with his new girlfriend and my sister is a selfish jerk who is angry that I refuse all her requests to loan her money (??). I am blessed by a large network of friends and a wonderful new boyfriend who has been a friend for 7 years and recently became more, but that's complicated too... Anyway, has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any advice? I need to know U'm not alone and am very scared that I'll lose my kids forever. HELP!:help:

Greetings all! I've been posting under the heading of "wonderkidsmom" for the last year and 1/2, and recently re-named myself butterfly07 to reflect my new beginnings. I'm legally a single woman after almost 22 years of marriage, new job, new apartment, and now...a new man. Because dating again after all those married years is scary and post-lab band dating is too, I thought I'd look for some support here. First off, my new man is actually an old friend and former co-worker. We've been good friends for almost 7 years and recentlly decided to give in to the mutual attraction and start dating. He's wonderful to me and I really think he's close to everything I want in a man, but am hesitant to move forward too fast. Since he knew me pre-band, that's out in the open, but I am also planning to date should anyone ask (no one has). My question is how do those of you who are dating being it up? Everyone notices how little I eat and when I eat with my new guy I just take some off his plate. That probably wouldn't go over so well with a stranger:rolleyes Also, my children are 18 & 14, the 18 year old lives away at college during the school year and is now at his dad's house (our original house) and my 14 year old splits hertimw week to week between us. Because they both know him and I'm not sure just where this is leading, I'm keeping mum about us being more than just friends for now, and things are complicated as he's starting his 2nd divorce and has teenagers too. My relationship with the ex is very troubled, but I'm doing my best to stay on the high ground through everything and focus on the kids and myself. any help about post-band dating, post-divorce dating and life in general is welcome! Thanks!

Thanks, I will continue to take the "higher ground". I meant that I cried to my son only about he and I and how it bothered me that he seems to never have "time" for me. And that was only after he asked me why I seemed to think he was avoiding me. He used to call/text me every few days and now he doesn't and doesn't respond to my calls or texts. I will take your advise and not tell him that too, it's just that my children are the only thing I cry about.... Anyone else have feedback? Also, band related, I seem to have more restrictions at lunchtime (wierd?) and seems no matter what I eat I can't hold it down...and am getting bored with my meals any ideas for new foods? Thanks!

Thanks for the support. Tell me, what is your relationship with your father? How should I handle things with my kids. I confess to crying to my son today on the phone and spilling a bit about how hurt I am that he seems to have no time for me and I miss our very close relationship. I have refused to say anything bad about the ex to the kids but it's very hard, makes me feel like I am letting his lies sit out there... I'd appreciate your (any anyone else's) input, I think having had your parents split when you were an adult after a long marriage would help. thanks!

Hello All! I am formerly Wonderkidsmom, who had that huge thread titled Divorce that detailed my rather bympy journey to my divorce after 22 years of marriage. At the behest of many of you, in recognition of my new life, I've changed my name to reflect my new life. When I was in Scotland last summer, I saw a program on bypass/banding surgery and the surgeon they interviewed said that she views the transformation of sucessfull patients as the same as a caterpilliar (sp?) turning into a butterfly. That struck a major nerve with me, and I've adoped it as my personal symbol. ok, so here's an update on me... I've lost 116 pounds total since my surgery a year and a half ago (need to update my avatar, I know). I was wearing a size 28 pants and now wear a 16.. I'm still hiking, kickboxing, doing step, weights and treadmill and slowly losing. I've been at my new job for 2 weeks now, was so very hard to leave the school where I'd worked for the last 7 years, but this while being new and different is much more relaxed and less stressful. Loving my apartment, had a "Freedom Party" last weekend to Celebrate my newly single status, new job, new apartment, new life really. 30 of my closest female friends came and we just had a wonderful time. Both kids are doing better, in 10 days I'll have a son who is another year closer to completing his college degree, and a daughter who survived a very truamatic freshman year in high school. They both have their good and bad days, but I think they'll weather this storm ok after all. I'm feeling very blessed at the friends, both on the net and in my day to day life that helped literally sometimes keep me alive and get me through the last year of very, very hard times. I can truly say that as I type this I'm happier with myself and my life than I've ever been. That's not to say that there are only smooth waters in my life, my ex-husband is giving me huge problems with my daughter (trying to co-parent with him is fruitless and very agrivatting), him paying me my expenses, him being a jerk and reminding me why I divorced him. Two quick examples, he runs a local hotel, and a few weeks ago as a result of a traffic accident where I got a ticket, I went to driving school to get said ticket dismissed, and they assigned me to his hotel. He was NOT there, but I've known most of his staff for a very long time & I chatted a while with one, and just told her that I found out he'd been dating on Match.com for quite a while, by his own admission as well as my own discovery, that he's very angry with me and how when I had to be rushed to the hospital from work he dumped me in the parking lot without even making sure I was able to get inside ok (heart problem - stress related am fine). Anyway, she called him to say she was going home early, sickened by what she'd heard and he called my & screamed at me, threatened to have me arrested if I ever stepped onto "his" property again. I have about 6 good friends who are local police officers and they all laughed and said not to worry, they probably wouldn't even respond to a call about someone who has legitimate business on the property peacefully going about their business. Second thing, we BOTH still own the house, I was trying to be fair and allow him two years to re-finance the house out of my name & buy me out, but in the meantime, since I am on the loan, I am also on the title. My attorney says to treat it like I was a landlord. I have a right to legally enter the property on rare occasions to check to make sure it's in good shape and no unauthorized changes have been made. I went to get my daughter & her animals this afternoon and transport them to my house, and he literally slammed the door on my (almost hit me) and screamed profanity at me about how much money he had and what a Bi&!h I was and how he'd have me arrested if I went on that property again. He called & screamed the "F" word at me after I left, my daughter began to cry about it so I let his repeated call after that go to voice mail, where he left a messgae humming. UGH! Lastly, I'm sure I'll get lots of feedback on this, but I have begun seeing someone. He's been a friend of mine for over 8 years, and we always found each other attractive and flirted, but we've also worked together that entire time & seen each other through very hard times personally & professionally. We've been angry at each other and made each other laugh, and we're taking it slow, but he makes me realize that all the things I'd wanted from my ex but never received were in fact reasonable for a man to give me. He makes my heart sing and I feel alive again. Anyway, thanks for caring, please feel free to respond, I'll continue to update you from time to time on my life saga. Thanks all! :clap2:

FINAL UPDATE!! 4/10/07 I AM LEGALLY DIVORCED (had been waiting on judge to sign) and in my new digs! Love the apartment!!! He DID pay me the moving expenses & 1st support check as he was to do. I found out that he'd been on match.com dating for quite some time now and he said he was "getting laid" a lot. I asked why it hadn't improved his disposition...petty I know but I couldn't resist! I filed a formal complaint with the HR department at work about all the problems there, will keep you updated on all that. I'm getting a huge "surprise" (someone slipped) going away party at work this thursday after work and they're raising a big wad of cash for me. Some kind soul has also been leaving me treasure hunt hints and daily small gifts for over two weeks now and it totally makes my day. We have almost 200 employees and all but 2 have e-mailed and/or expressed in person how much they hate to see me lwave & will miss me. Makes me feel good. Daughter is back on track and son even came down from college and while he refused to help me move, he did come & check out the apartment and hook up the cable. Small steps I guess. Also, I had to buy a new computer and should have it up and running soon (no internet connection yet am doing this @ work) so hopefully I can post more often. Lastly, have decided that as soon as I get computer running at home, I am changing my name on this board to BUTTERFLY07. The butterfly has come to be my symbol of my transformation... Again, a HUGE thank you to everyone for EVERY BIT OF ADVICE & SUPPORT AND EVEN THE KICKS IN THE BEHIND!! You helped me through. I think I'm gonna make it through and be better than ever! Feedback?

UPDATE: 4/1/07 We are divorced!!! We signed the divorce papers last week. I am moving into my own apartment this Friday. Start my new job the next week. I am very happy. Only bad thing is that the same day that we signed the papers I was coming home from a wonderful dinner with my son and daughter at college and it was pouring rain (an odd occurance for Phoenix) and I was t-boned. My car will be in the shop for another month and the repair costs are $8,000. I got a ticket for technically running the red light (tried to stop but hydroplayend into intersection). Have traffic school in 2 weeks to erase the ticket. Daughter was with me but thankfully aside from some bruses & soreness, we both and the other driver are all fine. Hoping my insurance doesn'y raise my rates or cancel, and that the other driver doesn't sue. Ex-husband has a girlfriend and is gone almost every night from the house from 11pm - 4am. He doesn't believe that I don't care, I really don't. I have asked him to not have the girlfriend over when my daughter is at his place. Also, according to divorce papers he's supposed to pay my first payments and moving expenses today but says that he won't until the court gets wage assignment arranged (takes 60 days) UGH! Wish me luck on this new adventure, I am overwhelmed with all the changes at once but am excited too. Also, I've been asked out on 2 dates. Have declined. Thanks to all for all the wonderful support. I'm thinking of changing my screen mae to reflect this new beginning, any feedback?

UPDATE 3/2/07 Divorce decree is being typed by my attorney, we've come to an agreement. If he holds up his end we should be final in about a month! If not, our court date is 3 weeks away. I've found an apartment and move on April 7th with My daughter. She is improving her grades in school. My son seems to be getting slowly used to the idea of all this. I have a new job within the same company but at a different location with a different boss. I'm sad to leave current job where I've been for 7 years and love everyone, but boss made my life hell. Actually got written up for being "too magnetic"... I did have another episode of A-fib and would up in the hospital a few weeks ago, which made me go to soon to be ex hubby and show him the results (still trying to determine root cause) and we talked for 2 hrs to work things out. Think he was shaken because it ahppened @ my work and they wanted to call 911 but I made them call him instead when they couldn't reach anyone else. The doctor said I literally wouldn't survive allstress I was under. I still have trouble sleeping & eating but hanging in there. Any feedback?