Smye

Thanks @@Tanika81, I really appreciate it. Though I'll admit that new recipes are fun/peace-giving for me. That's actually abig part of why I haven't posted much lately, most of my latest creations have just been too time-intensive or dependent upon precision to make their way onto the blog which is geared (mostly) towards relatively quick and easy. And yeah - there's a lot going through my mind, in my life, etc... but at least I get to post about it and get some online support that way.

@brtrthnevetr, I'm so sorry for your loss. And no worries, I wasn't kidding with my thanks.

Several of you have asked why I've been sporadic at best lately. I've responded to several of you, and your outpouring of support has been invaluable, but the requests keep coming. That said, I think it's just easier to post here. Long story short - my wife of 7 years and partner of 17 years has recently come out to me as gay. For full details, you can find my other blog here. Don't worry though, more recipes ARE in the works and coming down the pike... be patient my friends. Also, @@Tanika81, is there something specific you want?

@@Chrystee, you are mistaken, but that's fine

@@betrthnever, although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all and maintaining our wonderful partnership in the meantime. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life and the choices they and their partners make (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding or even thinking they are completely out of their minds. But seriously, your apparent internal outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your advice did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth. @@VSGAnn2014, See above. Also, that's why it's the plan, just not today Thank you again for your support throughout. @@2goldengirl, Thank you. It's valuable to hear the enormous variety of stories out there.

Well that was interesting. Last night I attended my first straight-spouses network meeting. Some good, many blah, one very bad. All in all worth it, I think. It's monthly, so I'll certainly be attending again in December and we'll just see how it goes. For those wondering: Straight Spouse Network is a support group for people whose spouse, or other committed partner - in an assumed heterosexual relationship - have come out as LGBTIQ. I'm actively working on expanding my network of friends and peers and figured hey, why not attend an event of folks who've been through a similar trauma experience - turns out we didn't have as much in common as I'd hoped, but there were one or two gentlemen with whom I connected. It was good to connect with folks, but there was this one guy who was absolutely full of S and kept demanding everyone acknowledge what an incredible husband he was while citing bogus stats while spouting about the 'ridiculous charges' he's facing (8 counts of assault, all from different women - suspicious to say the least) - he about drove me crazy. I'll also admit (on an entirely separate notes) that it's tough to always be the youngest person in the room by a good 15-20 years - whether I'm at work, the straight spouse network or elsewhere. The comments of " wow, you're so lucky to be doing this now" or "you must be ________ to be here now, my son is five years older and he only just now managed to ______" are entirely aggravating and don't serve to move the conversation in the least. The odd genuine question is fine - but belaboring the fact as though I'm some sort of marvel or else overly ambitious and whatnot is frustrating - thanks for reading my venting... Done now. And thank you again all for allowing me the space to air my process here and get support. Oh, one more thing. Last night Mrs. Smye did confirm that, although she's in 'absolutely no rush... may be 3 years even,' she does, indeed, want a divorce at some point so as to pursue other relationships. She is not open to an 'expanded family' model. Poop on a stick!

@@RussD and @@Chrystee, thank you - the hugs are very much needed and even more appreciated. @@RussD, I'm so sorry for the trauma your father's reaction must have caused. Thank you for your support and yes - she is indeed an amazing woman. Also, there's finally a straight-spouse network meeting happening A) close to home and with folks who don't want to vilify Mrs. Smye for being gay. Sunday, here I come!

@@butterfly23, thank you. And I'm right there with you, every time I post to this thread, even a sentence or two, even to say thanks, I find myself crying. This is by far the most painful experience I've ever been through, but simultaneously one of the most beautiful. I'm glad to hear my posts have been of benefit to more than myself - and yes, it's absolutely been therapeutic - taken literally even, as I've continued posting as part of my work with my therapist Oh, and she's getting all kinds of support - it's beautiful really. We've lost 1 friend so far, and it was my friend, not really hers. Beyond that, her dad's response was the 'worst,' which is to say, the best we could have expected or even hoped for from him.

@@Tanika81, I do indeed. Is there anything in particular you had in mind? No promises, but I should be able to get at least in the general vicinity.

Mrs. Smye came out to her dad today - I'm so proud of her! He responded well for the most part, but I'll admit it was also incredibly hard because it made the 'real-ness' and finality of it all sink in just one layer deeper. I will say I was thoroughly impressed with her use of an FAQ to help her deal with having to answer all of the questions she didn't want to be asked and to encourage the questions she wished would be asked. I have included it below: FAQs for Dad (and maybe Stepmom too) Q: Why are you telling me this? Now? A: I enjoy the authentic relationship I feel like we have built and I want to maintain that. I don’t want to live different lives around different people. Also, I could benefit from your support as Smye and I move forward in our process to consciously separate, and I don’t want to hide half of the story. Q: Have you always “known” (experienced same-sex attraction)? A: No. Until now, I have largely identified as asexual (someone who does not feel attraction toward either men or woman). It never occurred to me to wonder whether I was attracted to women; I simply knew I had never experienced attraction toward men. Q: Is this a phase? A: I’ve thought about this very seriously before sharing with you and hope you can trust that I am telling you something significant versus something that is a passing phase. Sexuality fluidity is often predicted by the intensity and frequency of attraction. Based on my current experiences, I don’t imagine I will later find men attractive (but it would certainly be more convenient if that ends up in my future!). Q: How do you know for sure you are attracted to women? A: How do you know for sure you are attracted to women? Q: Are you attracted to women because you were abused as a child? A: Correlation is not causation. Early childhood experiences shape sexuality (and the rest of ourselves) and there is no way to determine who I would have been attracted to without those early experiences. It is certainly a complicating factor. I always assumed I’d have challenges connecting with males based on my early childhood experiences so I never sought out other explanations. Regardless, I’ve done enough years of therapy to trust this isn’t something that needs to be “fixed.” Q: Maybe you just haven’t found the right man? A: I could say the same to you. J I don’t think anyone is 100% gay or straight: research shows there are certain situations or contexts in which people will stray outside of strongly identified orientations. That said, I am not hoping to find “the right guy” any more than you are. There are plenty of women I am attracted to and accept that. Q: Why are you making this choice? A: This is not a choice I am making. In many ways, if I could choose to be straight I would as there are many benefits to being part of a dominant group and keeping your life status quo. I have worked very hard and sought much help to be attracted toward men without success. Q: Does this mean you are going to turn “butch”? A: No. I don’t really identify with terms like “butch” (or its opposite, “femme”). I consider myself feminine in appearance, analytical in mind, and loving at heart. Over time, my style may change, just as anyone’s does through different life phases. Someday I might try having shorter hair or wearing pants but that is less related to my sexuality and more about transitioning out of old habits. Q: So what kind of person are you attracted to? A: Women who are intelligent and kindhearted. Q: Will you ever have a steady girlfriend or get remarried? A: I hope to—at some point when I am ready and if I meet the right person. Q: What about God? And the sanctity of marriage? A: This is more a question for you to ask yourself. This part of who I am is not in conflict with any of my spiritual beliefs/practices. Of course, I hope you will find a way to reconcile your faith with this aspect of your daughter. If you can’t, I hope you can find enough space in yourself to hold two opposing things, and find a way to maintain your love for both. Q: Are you still the same person you’ve always been? A: Yes. J Q: Did I do something wrong? Is that why you are like this? A: No. This isn’t a case of right vs. wrong or something that should have been prevented. (If you want to go down that path though, you can think instead about what you can do “right” in this moment to support me…) Q: Did you cheat on Smye? A: No. We have been very open and supportive of one another and neither of us has done anything behind the others’ back. Q: Is Smye okay? A: My status as “asexual” had been a known factor in our marriage since its beginning so this was not a complete surprise to Smye. It was a joint decision when I decided to re-enter counseling to specifically work on this aspect of myself. He is getting the support that he needs and has been very supportive toward me. Still, this is very hard for Smye. Of course, he wishes the outcome were different if for no other reason than because he had hope for our future. Q: Are you and Smye staying together? A: No, not in the traditional sense. We have never had a true “full” marriage and we both deserve that. We have been living together platonically and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future—even as we separate some emotionally. He is committed to helping me become financially self-sufficient and we are both committed to an arrangement that is most supportive of Little Smye. We don’t know exactly what that will look like but trust we will figure it out in a loving way as time goes on. Q: Does this mean Little Smye is more likely to be gay? A: No. Whether he is raised by a set of same-sex, opposite-sex, or a combination of parents, his likelihood of identifying as something other than “straight” is about the same. (There is some evidence, however, that men with ASD are more likely to identify as gay or bisexual than men without ASD.) Q: How will this impact your career? A: I am not “out” at work (though a few close friends know) and do not anticipate I will be in the time that I remain there. As I transition to a new career pathway, I do not imagine I will advertise my sexuality any more than I ever have—it simply is not relevant. (At no point in working with clients did I ever volunteer that I was asexual, or partnered—let alone the gender of my partner). I do plan on working/living in New Hometown and do not expect to keep this part of myself a “secret” from my community. Questions you may not have, but I wish you would askQ: What do you identify as? A: I hate labels because they can mean different things to different people and I want more control over how people perceive me. I do not identify as bisexual (attracted to men and women) or heterosexual (attracted to opposite sex). I would say “lesbian” (women attracted to women) is the closest label. When I talk with people I just say I’m “queer” (an umbrella term which loosely which is no longer considered derogatory). Q: Who knows? What can I say? Who can I talk to? A: Right now, I’ve shared with Smye and all of my close friends in addition to M and B. I have not shared with any other relatives, or most childhood friends from Hometown. So far everyone has been incredibly supportive and I am very grateful. If you would like to talk with people, you are welcome to share with your friends and extended family. I would like to save T/A (and my mom + her family) for myself when I am ready. I ask that you get support and educate yourself about the myths around sexuality (so you do not perpetuate them/misrepresent me when talking with others) before you discuss this with other important people in our lives. (I know I have no control over that.) When talking with people, I am fine if you use the term “lesbian” or “gay” (often used to describe men or women who are same-sex attracted) as these are the most descriptive/accurate labels. If you don’t want to share with other people that’s fine. This may change over time, and certainly will change if I become re-partnered. Q: What support do you need? A: I need you to be the same Dad you currently are to me—supportive, caring, and encouraging. I need you to respect my entire self (including this part of me). I need you to ask questions as they arise for you instead of making assumptions. I need you to find a primary place outside of myself to work out your disbelief, confusion, anger, disagreement or whatever other complicated feelings you may have. I need you to remember that although sexuality is an important part of any person, I am a multifaceted human being and I have not ceased to be a mom, a professional, a friend or a quasi-farmer. Mostly, I need you to stay present. I also need you to remain open to my current relationship with Smye, without taking sides or criticizing (to me) our use of marriage for its companionship, financial stability and other logistical benefits. Q: Is this process hard for you? A: It is terrifying for me. Both because I don’t want to lose people I care about (which I know happens to folks) and because the idea of loving and being loved fully is a very vulnerable thing. In other ways, it is exciting and I couldn’t feel more at ease—it feels like coming home into myself. Q: Wow, this is a lot to take in. Are there resources for me? A: I would be thrilled if you went to a meeting with other parents and could learn/get support. Check out your nearest PFLAG (www.bfpflag.com or https://www.facebook.com/BFPFLAG/info/?ref=page_internal). I’m sure they could direct you to other resources. Q: What do you need from me right now? A: I need to know that you love and support me the same as you always have or that if you can’t/don’t that you’ll work to get there.

@@Chrystee, I won't, and I didn't. It's just frustrating in an "I'll look back on this in 5 years and laugh" sort of way.

@@CowgirlJane, not quite sure I understand your meaning - can you clarify? I'm not remotely pursuing these, or any other, women at this point. Just allowing myself to see and appreciate attractiveness - none of the three have a clue (all are from television, not folks I know) nor have I allowed myself to think 'wow, she's very attractive' with others prior to now. I suppose you could say I've got a developing sexuality of my own and felt frustrated that the first three women I felt attraction towards are gay.

I thought you all might appreciate this. I'm at the point where I'm beginning to explore the possibility of feeling attracted to other people beyond Mrs. Smye and allowing myself to appreciate that fact. So far, there have been 3 women where I've though "wow, she's lovely, intelligent, attractive, pretty cool, etc." And I just got confirmation that the third (after earlier learning of both 1 and 2) is a lesbian. I feel like I'm cursed here.

@@Inner Surfer Girl, I wouldn't change anything, other than maybe lower the temp by 10-20F or so, just to slow down the bake a bit to ensure the center is properly cooked without burning the edges. Just be sure to use a good nonstick spray. Oh, and do let me know what you think!

This week's recipe: eggs Baridict Do you ever miss brunch? This is for you!

@@Joz31, thank you. Your support means more to me than you can know. And, on a completely different note - congratulations on your weight loss so far!

In general 'food funerals' and 'last suppers,' although they might make us feel better and/or help with the emotional build up to the pre-op diet, in the long run usually hurt far more than they help, setting us up cognitively and subconsciously (and biochemically) for a restrictive/uninhibition cycle. http://www.academia.edu/934287/cognitive_changes_to_preloading_in_restrianed_and_unrestrained_eaters_as_measured_by_the_Stroop_task To actually answer the question, I think I had a slice of GF pizza and a salad, with the last of my homemade rootbeer.

@@OutsideMatchInside, great question! @@jess9395, HA! If only you were between the ages of 25 and 35, willing to relocate to the PNW, single, and eager to wait from 1-90 months for me to get my stuff together? @@CowgirlJane Thank you, and agreed on all counts. Thanks so much for your support. And by the by, I'm absolutely going square dancing in the next few weeks, as soon as Mrs. Smye is free to watch the little one. Oh, and I've gotten a few PM requests to share the 'it's over' message. After thinking about it, I think it would indeed be therapeutic to post rather than PM back, so here it is: "Hi XXXX, Sorry this has taken me so long to get to you - I want to make sure I get it right and, if I'm totally honest, I don't want to send it. Please do me the favor of reading to the end. Remember my comments about always striving to be transparent and live with authenticity? This is one of those times when it sucks, a lot. Let me begin by saying that, if you can trust this, at no point was I false, did I lie, or attempt to conceal anything from you. I like you a lot and have come to care for you a great deal. I really want to date you, to give a relationship with you a try and see where it goes. But I realized this afternoon that I don't think I'm ready like I thought I was. I've meant every word I've said to you, and I still do, but when I imagined our date, for real, suddenly I felt wrong... Nothing about you, just about me. I feel awful, but I wanted to be entirely up front with you. And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest immediate chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. That isn't remotely the entirety of why I wanted to date you, like I said, you're funny, kind, intelligent, strong, beautiful, and someone I genuinely enjoy. But I'm not certain I'm in a place yet where I wouldn't be motivated, from time to time at least, more by simply the desire to be loved than by my future love for you, and that's not fair to either of us. I've clearly got quite a bit of work left to do before I start pursuing another partner. I'm so sorry XXXX, I'm letting you know as soon as I realized it (well, within a few hours anyway), but despite my best intentions, this is in no way fair to you. What a way to start your vacation. I'm glad you've got support people close at hand. Take care, Smye" And after rereading that - wow that reads melodramatic, but there it is.

@@gowalking - thank you for your frankness. And no longer heading in that direction. On the bright side, the woman I disappointed is interested in being pen-pal friends when/if I'm ready for even that. Phew. @@CowgirlJane - I'm so sorry that happened to you. And you're absolutely right - I would never, ever contact someone with romantic intentions without full disclosure. When contacting this gal, my first message was the following: " Hi XXXXXXX, I'm in a bit of a unusual situation, but you seem like we might be a good match. My wife and I have been best friends since we were 5, we married 7 years ago. However, she recently discovered she is gay. It explains a whole lot of the challenges we've had in our relationship, but I have to admit, it totally rocked my world. That said, we intend to stay good friends and to fully coparent our 2 year old son together, but are both beginning to explore other relationships. We do NOT have and are not interested in an open marriage, we are looking for our next 'forever partners.' Reading through your profile, you seem like we might be compatible. I don't have a profile photo at the moment out of respect for Mrs. Harra's privacy - she has yet to come out to family and friends but I'm happy to email you a photo or post for a minute and then remove if we happen to be online at the same time if you like. A little about myself, should you be willing to connect given my rather unusual baggage (though it's entirely amicable): I am a high school principal, I love my son with all my heart, in my free time I socialize with friends, raise 80% of my own food, and binge-watch the X-files. I LOVE a good book, hiking in the woods around my house or swimming in our lake. I am not looking for 'hookups' and have never actually dated anyone, I just married my best friend, so I'm certainly nervous to be starting down this road, but I'm excited about being in a relationship with someone who is as attracted to me as I am to her and willing to accept that my soon-to-be ex-wife is still a part of my family. If you're willing to explore whether or not we'd be a good match, please let me know. If not, no worries, but I'll admit that confirmation of that would be great. I'm willing to be vulnerable, but, as Brene Brown would say, that includes asking for a 'no' if I'm not an option for you at all. Take care, Smye" It was intended to be a 'try one just to have done it' which now feels admittedly crass @@OutsideMatchInside, Yep and yep

@@Mandala27, Thank you, thank you, thank you. It sucks, it hurts like hell, but stories like yours help me make some semblance of sense of it all. Update: So I made the OKCupid profile, I even messaged someone on the advice of my therapist, essentially detailing the whole story and linking her here - just to test the waters. She wrote back, was entirely supportive and over the last week have struck up a conversation. I like her, she seems to like me. This afternoon she asked to set up a date next Saturday evening. Hooray! Or not. At that moment, it clicked - what the hell am I doing? I'm not ready yet. I've got a hell of a lot of work to do on myself before I go trying to form a committed partnership with someone else - not to mention the fact that I'm not remotely comfortable with casual dating. I feel awful, but I'm going to be emailing her after I post this to call it off and ask "may I contact you again in a few months? I'm so so sorry." And to top it off, there's that little voice screaming "you idiot! What are you doing? You've had huge gaps in your needs from the day you got married, they've only grown over the years, and now you don't even get a goodnight peck from your wife. Why are you throwing away the closest chance you've got to getting to kiss, cuddle, love and be loved?" But I think if that's the reason I'm pursuing a relationship, because I'm terrified of continuing not to have those things, that's the wrong reason to enter a relationship. And so on it goes. And oh yeah, Mrs. Smye already pulled back emotionally when I created the OKCupid account - still my best friend, but I'm no longer her primary emotional support. Dammit. But I believe waiting (for now, we'll see how I feel in the morning) is the best choice [totally joking about the 'in the morning' part].

@@bellabill, thank you so much for sharing your experience. You're right, I'm incredibly fortunate to find people like you to help me through this. You're a huge support! @@gowalking, I'm so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing, I'm honored you would share your process after the loss of your first husband with me, I am wrestling with a deep desire to fully love and be loved and the need to make sure I'm making healthy choices - your reply is hugely supportive. @@fairee, Thank you for your compliments - they carry a lot of weight for me right now. I'm sorry for your loss also, congratulations to you for doing what was right for yourself. It's incredibly hard. And yeah, having been one and only since 5 is amazing, it's part of what's so scary about looking elsewhere - there's nobody else from my kindergarten classroom that's remotely interesting. Curiously, my therapist and I created my OKCupid account recently. In response Mrs. Smye made one of her own. It's weirdly terrifying and exciting! I've got a date lined up for the first weekend in October. On the flip side, once I had that set up, Mrs. Smye asked for more emotional distance between us - we're still best friends and coparents, but she'll no longer be processing externally with me through the deep stuff. Something else to mourn, but I think that stopping my own process to 'keep' her wouldn't be healthy for either of us. Thanks all for reading.

Your experience sounds nearly identical to mine

Phew, it's been a while, but the blog (and it's author) are back up. My apologies to all for the long hiatus. Recently, my personal life went sideways (thank you again for all of your support!) but things are mostly back on track and, at the very least, life feels stable/safe again, even if I have no idea what the future holds. More here if you really want to know. But now the reason you're really here - the food. Today's weekly recipe features pizza Bagels. It's been a great long while since I've had a chewy, slightly tough bagel, and this hits the mark almost perfectly! Eat them, love them, and let me know what you think.

@@Elode, every time I see your posts in the 'trending topics,' I'm filled with dread - the titles always read like one of those internet pop-up ads or the subject line of a spam email. Then I read them and sigh with relief. Congratulations!