Smye

@@Miss Mac, Not precisely, we're certainly not calling it an open marriage, nor are we going to be pursuing what would be 'typical' of an open marriage - though it's fair to call it a derivative of an open marriage. As I understand open marriages, the idea there is to keep the core partnership as primary while pursuing 'getting needs met' outside of the marriage. We're both pretty certain this would get ugly quick for both of us. In our case, rather, we'll be remaining married strictly platonically as best friends for the time being, but when and if (it may not happen, we'll see) we start dating, the idea isn't to 'meet sexual needs' with long or short term flings, but that we're actively seeking a new forever partner. Once that new partner is found for either of us, we divorce amicably, while remaining best friends throughout. Ideally even living in the same neighborhood or as housemates with the other couple. Our marriage would be intended to end, a placeholder representing our forever deep love, not to mention the social, financial, legal etc benefits of remaining married in the meantime. But after each date debriefing as we would with anything else, helping one another problem solve along the way, etc. Oh, and SUPER clear communication throughout. And all of this AFTER she settles on whatever her identity actually is, this is all new enough she'd rather not wait. And since we're family, our future dating will be as it would be with any other family "look, you marry me, you're marrying my mom/dad/sister/family too." Does that make sense? Also, thanks for asking! Answering this question really helped me continue my own processing here.

My process is about ME, hers is about HER, and ours is about US! What could be more lovely? And more painful? It's odd, but I feel I'm big enough to hold both inside me.

@@gowalking, agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed agreed and she already is and always has been And thank you. AND I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine...

@@Pinkgirl1234, although I'd agree with you for many couples in my situation, you are grossly mistaken. I appreciate your willingness to do the unpopular, go against my wishes and 'tell it like it is' - no sarcasm, I really admire your commitment to authenticity. However, I hope you'll agree (and if you don't, oh well) that you don't quite understand the dynamics of my marriage once I get the chance after work tonight to write out our current resolution. Short version - we'll both be finding new exclusive partners when we're each ready as individuals, divorcing at that time, but maintaining our incredible friendship through it all. I'll even likely help write her OK-Cupid (or whatever service she uses) profile and walk her down the aisle - and vice versa. And yes, she really and truly is just figuring this out now - I don't know how deeply part of the LGBTIQ community you are or aren't, but it's a thing, it happens, and it's not anybody's fault. As a society, all we can do is accept that the experience of folks who discover their sexuality "late" in life (keep in mind, we're significantly younger than you probably think we are - we both graduated high school and college very early and were married at an age most could call unconscionable) might not reflect our own but is still real for them, and support and love those around us in spite of not understanding. But seriously, your outrage on my behalf is weirdly comforting . I will say though that your fervor did have the effect of making me feel silenced by you rather than helping me 'find my voice.' For what it's worth. @@katladee, she does, I do too, and thank you! You've been a lovely support! As have all of the folks on here.

@@pink dahlia, doesn't change the fact that you're dead on and supportive as hell in the meantime. Thank you.

@@pink dahlia, thank you!

I just wrote amassive update/response, and my laptop died. Short version - THANK YOU EVERYONE! I have a LOT of grieving to do, but we are and always will remain best friends and family. We are (I know this sounds fake but it will make sense when I post next) closer than ever, will likely divorce in the next few years, but are in no rush, and honestly I've never had such a satisfying or intimate evening than tonight was. I'll post the full deal later, but basically life hurts like hell and is INCREDIBLE all at once. It's incredible what having been best friends for 17 years before we married can do for us. Thank you thank you thank you. More to come. Oh, and because things feel super stable and wonderful right now, @@katladee, oh yes. I cook. Check out this blog for a good place to start. I don't actually know any of you, haven't met a one of you, but I love you folks! Thank you so much for helping me through the most painful day of my life - without you all I would not have been in the right place to come home to my wonderful wife and reach such a wonderful place as where we are now. Again - I'll explain in full when I have more time.

@, Thank you! Me too, I just wish I knew what they were and that they could fasttrack us - I'm so sick of being in pain/afraid.

@@katladee, thank you! And yeah, the hardest part WLS-wise right now is eating at all. Also, to be clear, I have no illusions that she'll "try the lesbian thing" or "get it out of her system." Human sexuality doesn't work like that. Nor would she EVER be willing to actually act on her attractions until our marriage was over and over. I'm more open to that than she is and, well, let's just say I'd rather set the house on fire (though I wouldn't). It's more that I find myself hoping it's a phase similar to what a preadolescent goes through rather than a 'phase' that the parents of those in the LGBTIQ community hope their children will 'grow out of' when they're in denial. Most likely though, I'm just in denial.

@@Djmohr, thank you! I'm weirdly still unable to let go of the hope that as she continues her work with her counselor she'll somehow find an attraction to me as the exception to the rule or that this is the apocryphal (and, if I'm honest, horribly intolerantly minded) 'phase' she's going through before discovering she's hetero or that it's like what I went through when I was 8 or so and was attracted to any and everything just because WOW, TESTOSTERONE! But I think I know that none of those fit. After all, we've got everything else in place for a nauseatingly idyllic marriage - so it would make sense that as her sexual identity is forming she'd form a sexual/romantic attraction to me along with, if not instead of, anyone else. After all, if she's not truly a lesbian, how on earth could some stranger on the street who's attractive compete with best friend/spouse for the last for what amounts to our entire lives. Thanks for letting me vent a bit more. @@MEL0129, thank you. And I agree, I will keep her fully abreast of my own process - I just wish I didn't find myself coming sobbing to her about her every 20 minutes or so. But yes, it is our problem. Honesty's never been an issue, nor will it be.

@@OKCPirate, yes I've always been heavy, but thankfully Mrs. Smye suffers from face blindness - a portion of which being that she actually can't tell by looking at someone if they're overweight . But yes, WLS absolutely changes things - here though I think it was more that our life was finally stable enough for long enough that she felt safe enough to actually explore her own sexuality in ways she was not able to do as a child in a particularly yucky home. And yes, thank you for the other words - listening is what I'm trying to do. But as we've always told one another absolutely everything, I'm struggling not to unload my own grief on her in the meantime while searching for a new counsellor for myself. I know it's slowing her process, but it's where I'm at for now. The plan for tonight is, once our little guy goes down (assuming he goes down before 10), to try and hang out as friends and focus on enjoying, even reveling in our friendship rather than the grief/despair/etc I feel or the shame she's feeling.

@@Chrystee, thank you! I'm still holding out hope for 'both/and.' @@Floridagirl2, thank you! I wish there were an e-way to actually get all these hugs

@@jess9395, Thank you!

Oh, and we have a kid with special needs - that doesn't throw a messy wrench into the whole debacle.

@@Bean80128, thank you. Every comment like yours is a buoy for the next 3 minutes. It's almost pathetic (I know it's not really) but after 3 I need another - so thank you for being this one. @@LipstickLady, yeah, I agree. I don't actually think we'll ever stop being friends or loving one another - I just don't want to be only friends, you know? I've craved her as my life partner since I was 5. But I want her to be happy, truly happy, and to be able to love her partner as I've loved her, even if that means that partner isn't me. One the one hand I know one of my two my 'nonnegotiables' through this all is that I need for us to both be loved and to love fully and to feel all of that love. The sucky part is that the other nonnegotiable I've got is that I need to stay partnered to her . I guess that's why this takes time. @@Joz31, See my comment to Bean80128. Thank you! @@MEL0129, Excruciating is exactly the word. And I feel so guilty for my own pain because I know it's so much of what's hurting her. Thank you!

To clarify my response to @@Inner Surfer Girl, although I just want it to end and have this vague sense of "Can I just die please?" I am not in any way suicidal, experiencing suicide ideation, or considering self harm. I just reread my post and realized I would be concerned were I not the author and so wanted to clarify.

@@Inner Surfer Girl, thank you thank you thank you. It's so weird, I know I'll get through this, but I feel so deeply that the world should just stop spinning, how can anything normal carry on? But it does. @@leag78, I'm not in a place to hear that right now, but when I am (as I cognitively know I will have to be at some point), I will read your post thoroughly, thank you. @@Miss Mac, but I truly can't fathom being happy with anyone else either. Sure, I know I could love again blah blah blah (I don't buy the one-and-only soulmate stuff), but I think I'd always feel like I was emotionally cheating on my future spouse should I go that route because deep down I'd always be longing for my current wife and best friend rather than really deeply loving newspouse the most. @@dhrguru, thank you! Your last line was phenomenally supportive.

@@OutsideMatchInside, thanks. I'm loathe to use reddit as the one other gentleman I found there who had submitted something similar received a great deal of bile and venom from those on the site - I'm not in a place where I'm resilient enough to take that right now.

@@lauraellen80, thanks! I've got a few calls in to various psychs in the area and am just waiting to hear back.

@@Babbs, thank you!

@@CowgirlJane, Thank you! I feel so desperately alone right now, and your post helps some. I'm sorry for your loss also. And yes, I'll definitely wait.

Hi All, I know this is a little (or a lot) out of the ordinary for this site, but you all have been a huge support on my WLS journey so far and, well, I need an outlet and some support. I'm not looking for advice or condemnation of my wife, just support and listening ears, and maybe a bridge if anyone on here has gone through something similar. It's a bit of a long story, so thanks for reading. I met my wife in kindergarten - by the end of September, I'd already proposed. Curiously, she said no. I tried again in December, again, she said no. In all, I think I proposed to her 8 times before we had finished second grade, I asked her out throughout middle and high school, and then, during her senior year of college, after having been best friends for most of our lives, she finally said yes. My dreams came true. Our marriage has been wonderful, she always has been and always will be my best friend. But sex was never particularly satisfying - I loved it, but knew she wasn't getting much out of it and wasn't attracted to me sexually. It was hard, but our relationship was well worth it. She wasn't gay, we thought, she may not have been attracted to me, but she wasn't attracted physically to anyone. Maybe she was asexual. Two months ago, we decided together she should pursue counselling to help her work through her own sexuality, to help her know if she was asexual, or repressing her sexuality as the result of some childhood trauma that I won't get into, or something else altogether. We put all sex and physical intimacy on hold to give her the space to go through her process. It was hard, sex is very important to me, but worth it. I never really imagined that what happened last night would come. Last night she said she wanted to give me an update on her process. "Smye," she said. "I wanted to let you know that in the last few weeks I've felt some stirrings of sexual attraction for the first time and it's scared me really badly. But it's absolutely been happening." HELL YES, I thought. FINALLY! Then came the bomb. "And I want you to know, Smye, it's only been towards women. I'm not going to put a label on it yet, I'd give anything to have attraction to you, and maybe I still will. But so far I'm only attracted to women." S***, S***, S***. I love her, she's still my best friend. And I'm thankful as hell that there's no affair going on to deal with. I wouldn't trade the 7 years we've had as man and wife so far for anything. And I know she still loves me as much as ever. But it hurts like hell, I don't have a clue what's next, but the research I've (perhaps foolishly done) suggests that only 1/6 of mixed-orientation marriages survive more than 2 years after disclosure. I don't want to lose my wife, I don't want to lose my best friend. But, even if magically she wakes up tomorrow and is attracted to me as the one man she finds attractive, the marriage I thought I had is dead. No matter what happens, I know I need to grieve that. And I've reached out to the straight spouse network. But while I'm waiting to hear back, having no clue what's next or how I'll even survive the next 10 minutes, I know I need to tell someone and come out of my own closet, so to speak. Has anyone else here been through something similar? Or do you have words of support? I do NOT want "it's god's will" or "it'll be okay" or "it all happens for a reason" etc, nor condemnation of my wife, my marriage, etc. I trust her implicitly, know that this blindsided her as much as it did me, and know too that our marriage was/is based on an incredible friendship that still exists. So don't go hating. Neither do I want advice. I don't have a clue what it is I'm asking for exactly, but I hurt like hell, I'm terrified, and I know I ought to reach out to keep myself sane. Thanks! EDIT - PLEASE READ BEFORE REPLYING: To everyone, thank you again for your support! This is still very much a work in progress and I will be keeping everyone here up to date - for my own therapy if nothing else. A quick note though before lending me your love and support (unless you just want to say 'I hear you, I love you, here are some digital hugs, and take care/let us know if you need anything' - then go for it.) I HIGHLY recommend you read the entire thread before posting yourself, I know how therapeutic this has been for me. I've received several PM's from folks about how your responses have helped them and/or given them grace for a loved one they didn't previously understand and even one from a person who is considering whether or not to come out to his/her partner him/her-self. And there's also the selfish reason I'd like you to read it all first - the few responses I've gotten that have felt more hateful towards Mrs. Smye and, despite the authors' intentions, hateful towards me and my choices as a result could, I think, have been prevented had the author had the entire up-to-date picture.

Was a teacher, newly a high school principal - same vein!

It's also worth noting that the FDA is considering revoking their approval of the band

Bonus recipe to make up for last week's hiatus: Ziscuits That's right, you can once again enjoy the salty savor of buttermilk biscuits, except this time you get to count them as a serving of veggies!