ElectricBoogaloo

I need some accountability! Can I join you guys?

I thought that getting WLS was going to be hard. Turns out, it was pretty easy. I had great insurance and got approval and had surgery six months after starting my process.
I thought losing the first 100 pounds was going to be hard. Turns out, with my LapBand, it was pretty easy. My body cooperated with my band and when I ate right, the weight came off.
I thought leaving my emotionally abusive husband was going to be hard. Turns out, once I took control of my food and my body and got out of my food coma, leaving him was pretty easy. Logistically tricky, but with reliance on friends and family and a good lawyer, leaving was only temporarily difficult.
I thought the divorce process would be hard. Turns out, it is stressful and emotional, but the actual tasks put in front of me, although tedious and time consuming, are just tasks. I am blessed with a good job and resources that many women don't have. The slowness of it is harder than the tasks in front of me.
I thought walking for exercise was going to be hard. Turns out, it is the one exercise I love and have not grown tired of. I can walk for miles with ease.
I thought asking for help was going to be hard. Turns out, like exercising a muscle, the more I do it, the easier it gets.
I thought being kind to myself was going to be easy. I was wrong.
Oh, was I wrong.
Oh, I've learned it's okay and necessary to treat myself to little things, like a manicure, or a foot massage, or a movie. But then there's the other things.
And I can't help wondering if these other things have a lot to do with why I overeat and stayed obese for so long.
Like saying no to people. I say no. But then I go into "shoulda woulda coulda" and feel guilty about it.
Like reaching for comfort food or wine once in awhile. And then I start the tape in my head that says I'm bad, I'm lazy, I'm never going to get to my goal weight because I don't deserve to.
Like going out with friends and holding my head up high because I feel pretty for the first time in years. And when a musician in a band notices and makes a sweet comment about the "beautiful women in the room tonight" and points directly at me, I find the next opportunity to gather my things and call it an early evening, because to flirt would be bad, and I don't deserve that kind of attention.
Like getting a strong lawyer who is fighting for my financial rights and future, but crying at night because this divorce would go so much faster if I just didn't fight for the college money for my girls or maintenance for myself; because if I wanted out so bad, shouldn't I just cut my losses and end this?
Like not losing any weight for the last six months even though I have fifty left to goal, and telling myself it will never happen because I've never followed through on a goal weight before and what makes me think this time is any different?
Like standing up to my mom's criticisms in person, but in private wondering if she is right about me -- that I'm making a big mistake doing this or that or the other thing, and remembering how judged I felt my whole childhood and adolescence and wondering if she was right about me all along?
This is what is hard. Calling bulls!# on these thoughts and patterns and habits.
My higher self knows it. But it's so DAMN HARD to stop the negative thought cycle, that shi##y committee in my head.
Attitude is everything. I just turned 54 over the weekend and birthdays make me reflective. I have what may prove to be my best year ever ahead of me. God willing, I may see divorce papers signed in 2015. Maybe. I'm 100 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and healthier than I have been in decades. I may be moving into a new home by the end of the year. There is every reason to be hopeful.
So why does my sick brain still gravitate toward self blame and misery? Why, why don't I believe I deserve happiness?
I may never know why.
I'm a practical person. I believe in results. So what I'm planning to do about this is purely practical. It may or may not have any basis in psychology, but it seems reasonable to me.
I plan to abort those thoughts the second I sense them in my head. Literally catch myself and interrupt it with the opposite thought.
I do deserve joy. I do choose healthy food and I will meet my weight loss goal. That person that said I was beautiful was telling the truth. I choose to believe my older daughter who just told me I am strong and a role model. I believe my younger daughter who just told me I've always got her back. I am deserving of financial security and what is rightfully mine. I am deserving of a slim body and to feel pretty. Accepting attention is not shameful. I make good decisions. I take care of my loved ones and I am a good mother. I am smart and strong and pretty and nobody's fool. I am precious in God's eyes and I will live my best life.
This is the hard part. This is the only hard part. The head is always the hardest part to change.

180.2

Hi Everyone,
I was banded in 2008 and immediately thought it was a mistake, by the time I was able to start solid foods I was vomiting. A few days later I was hospitalized for vomiting blood. In all the consultations and prepping for surgery nobody had really addressed the issues with my head. I started on the day of surgery at 229, within 3 weeks I was down to 179 severely dehydrated and has bleeding ulcers. Of course as soon as I got some fluids, the weight cam back. I thought there was no way to get over the emotional toll of those 3 weeks. I was depressed, sick, and had a world of regret. This decision was about to be the end of me.
Over the next year I tried desperately to get my fills and make them work but I was never able to get beyond 2cc's, and then, after the fiasco of the first year, I was so terrified of food getting stuck that I chose to eat with drinking just to be safe and prevent mishaps. Of course by trying to be safe about it I only reinforced my horrible way of sabotaging myself. I quickly gained my weight back and then some reaching 242 lbs.
In January of 2011 I met and began dating my husband, a 6'2" gym rat who new everything about nutrition and working out. How would he want to be with me if I'm such a fat blob? I was immediately in love with him and swore I would be skinny soon. He never cared about me saying that. But soon after I began going to the gym with him and eating like he did, meal prepping, eating 6x a day, washing it all down with fluids and never realizing the scale wouldn't budge. I increased my cardio to 2 hours a day and started lifting weights for an hour. Slowly the weight started coming off and I hit 230. Throughout 2012 I was under so much stress that I was only able to lose another 6 lbs. That is where I have been ever since. 224 lbs. Sure I would lose 5 then gain them back, but I couldn't get below it for too long.
I would still drink fluids with meals out of fear or just because I wanted the great tasting steak, knowing of course I would throw it up soon. The life I was creating, or had created, was becoming more depressing than when I was at my highest. Then something clicked, I made an appointment with my doctor and went to talk to him about starting over. he advised me that Kaiser doesn't even perform lap-Bands anymore and if I wanted it removed and get the sleeve that was an option. That appointment was this past Tuesday, December 16. My weight 220.5
I could tell that he has no faith that I can do this, he even stated "if it hasn't worked in 4 years why would it work now?" While he made a very valid point, it hasn't worked, but I GET IT now. I told him I wanted to add Fluid, see a dietitian, and see him every month. luckily the RD had an appointment 2 hours later and I was talking to her about portion size, proper food guidelines, how I meal prep, eat 6 times a day, workout for hours at a time, but still don't lose weight, and then she said the one thing I NEEDED to hear..she said "How can you expect to lose the weight like a bariatric patient when you don't act like a bariatric patient?"
Suddenly it was clear, I never ate 1/4 cup of food at a time, I never sipped on fluids, I chugged them, HOW could I NOT have problems with my band when I was acting like it didn't exist? So, here I am, two days in, 4 lbs. down, and more determined than ever to weight, measure, and time every bite that enters my body. I am committed and with your help, I will succeed.
It's great to meet you all, and 'm looking forward to getting advice and support from you.

It has been just about a year since I visited this site. That date coincides with having my band removed for medical reasons. I am not writing this post to "bash" the band. I am thankful for my opportunity to lose weight with my band, and to get my life back. I wanted to let others know that should they have the misfortune of having to have their band removed, it is not the end of your healthier life. I wanted to share my experiences, as I know what an emotional journey it has been for me, and to perhaps inspire others to never give up on themselves. Unlike many others who opted to revise to another WLS, I chose to not have a revision because my PCP advised me to give my inflamed GI tract a rest, as there was excessive scar tissue at my band site. I am amazed that if not careful, I am still able to get food stuck, even after the initial adjustment post band removal. I believe I knew from the beginning that I would not have a long relationship with my band. I decided to make the most of my banded life, and embraced my new banded lifestyle. I was the poster child for diet and exercise compliance. And I feel I was reasonably successful with losing 90+ pounds during the 22 months I was banded. Now, about a year later, I have gained 5-6 pounds. The surgeon who removed my band told me to expect to gain around 10 pounds. I feel good about not gaining 10 pounds, but I need to be vigilant every day post band, as I was while I had my band to make healthy food choices and control my portions. What has worked to help me to maintain a healthier weight: Continue to eat like a banister. I still choose a lean Protein and a produce carb for every meal. My portions are still band sized, with the exception of adding a couple of ounces of lean protein for meals. I look for signs of satiety, and leave leftovers on my plate. Exercise continues to be a priority, both cardio and toning. Snacks are limited to Greek yogurt, pumpkin seeds, and a few raw nuts. Above all I am thankful for the opportunity to have lost weight, and with continued good choices for diet and exercise am so far maintaining a healthier weight. I never achieved my goal weight, a huge disappointment for me. However, there is so much more on the positive side for me. I am now in training, and on pace to complete my first Half Marathon in February. This event is on my bucket list! There are the same challenges every day, with or without the band. I have to manage my hunger, drink sufficient Water to help avoid eating between meals and in the evening. I keep my mind active with other focal points. My best practice I want to share, is that awareness and mindful eating is a life long event for anyone who has had to battle their weight. So is getting active with exercise, and continuing to be dedicated to your goals. My enduring motivation to continue to make good choices is always to remember how much my overall health has improved. I had several serious co-morbidities prior to being banded, and now am able to walk for miles with no pain and without getting winded. Most of my health issues are resolved. I am mindful that I could lose all of the benefits I have gained through weight loss if I lose my focus on my healthier habits. Those habits have become internalized, and now are second nature. Can I eat more if I wanted to, yes. I feel good about choosing not to. Can I choose slider foods that are high in fat and calories? Of course, we all can. But for me, it just feels better, both physically and psychologically not to. Am I hungry? Yes, most times than not. It is my accepted "normal". I wanted to let others know that losing your band can be a very scary and anxiety provoking event. This past year has been a proverbial emotional roller coaster for me. But it does not mean that it is the end of a healthier life and inevitable excessive weight gain. Do I sometimes question the wisdom of not choosing to have a revision? Yes, and I know that if my weight ever were to get out of control I do have the option to choose another WLS. Above all, I understand that my future with my weight is dependent on the choices I make every day. I am up for the challenge, every day. And we all take a day at a time. Best wishes for continuing success to us all!

182.6

CW: 166
GW: 165....you know what that means....,there's a stall coming up

183.8

183.6

144 this morning. I have now lost 100 lbs.

Mom taught me the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned:
Self-acceptance and the desire to change are not mutually exclusive propositions


I hit 300 pounds by the age of 18. Dating back to early childhood, all my efforts to diet had failed, and always left me heavier than I’d been when I started.
In my 20s, I decided to accept my body - fat and all. No more diets. No more wasting time feeling bad about my size. From now on, I was gonna work on loving the body I had. If I remember correctly, about 10 minutes later, my mother broke the news:
“Sweetheart, I’m having weight loss surgery.”
A chorus of ‘No!’ started singing in my head. Every reason why surgery was a bad idea tried to elbow its way to the stage.
“It’s dangerous!”
“It’s expensive!”
“It’s a cop out!”
“It’s society that needs to change, not you!”
“You’re beautiful just as you are!”
“It’s their problem, not yours!”
“NO!”
My mom had gone through periods of consistently eating nourishing foods in nourishing ways, exercising every day, and sleeping well. And as a result, she knew what it felt like to be more comfortable in her own skin, and to move through the world without the burden of 150+-pounds of excess fat.
I, on the other hand, was young, and had always been overweight and out of shape, but I wasn’t gonna let that stop me from believing I knew what was best for my mother. I was an idealistic feminist college student who’d just stumbled upon the solution to suffering: loving myself just exactly as I was.
To my mind, by choosing to have surgery, my mom was being a narrow-minded, self-hating fool.
“Mom, you need to love yourself! Don’t let society tell you how your body should look!”
“I do love myself," she said. "That’s why I’m doing this. I want to be comfortable. I want to be able to do things I’m not comfortable doing at this weight. And I want to be alive and healthy for when you have babies.”
I could hardly believe the depth of her ignorance.
“There’s a support group for post-ops that’s open to the public. Please come with me,” she said.
Fine, I thought. There was bound to be some post-op there who’d almost died, or someone that couldn’t swallow...All I needed was one flesh and blood person to base my argument on, and then my mother would have no choice but to come to her senses.
“I’ll come on one condition.”
“What’s that?”
“I want you to listen to everything that gets said in that meeting. I’m not going if you’re gonna ignore the truth.”
“It’s a deal.”
My mom drove us to the meeting in Englewood, NJ. There was a facilitator, and just under 50 people in the room, mostly women in their 40s and 50s. Some had had surgery already, some were scheduled to have it, and some were just thinking about it.
I sat against the wall in silent protest. While waiting for the meeting to start, I invented a life and a personality for the facilitator, compared her to me, and decided I was superior. She started with some house-keepy details and then launched right in.
“Welcome, everyone,” she said. “First we’ll hear check-ins from the post-ops, and then, if there’s still time, we’ll take some questions.”
The post-ops shared personal stories ranging from the straightforward: ‘I had surgery, I lost a lot of weight, I feel better, and here I am,’ to the gripping: ‘I had surgery, had a bunch of post-surgical complications, and here’s what life has looked like since.’
Everyone’s story was a little different, but one thing was universal: these people hadn’t gone under the knife to get hot; they’d undergone surgery because they wanted to live as fully as they could in the time that remained, and for them, that meant being a healthier weight. Dieting had failed them, like it fails most of us, but surgery felt like it might be the answer.
The facilitator called a break. I watched as my mother got up and introduced herself to a post-op who’d shared that losing weight meant getting her blood pressure, cholesterol, and type 2 diabetes under control. The woman was older, she was not meeting any popular standards of beauty, and appeared positively vibrant. I hadn’t realized how down my mom looked until she started to brighten up talking to this woman.
The moderator called us back. People were smiling and whispering, quietly exchanging cards and phone numbers. She thanked everyone for their shares, and opened up the floor, as promised.
“Does anyone have any questions for the post-ops?”
Now was my chance. I raised my hand.
“How many of you wish you hadn’t had surgery?”
Not a single hand went up. Maybe they’re embarrassed, I thought. Surely the ones who’d had complications felt foolish for having had surgery, but maybe peer pressure was keeping them quiet.
I needed to ask a better question, get them to talk about the danger.
“Uh...can I ask one more?” the facilitator nodded.
“What’s the biggest, scariest risk to having surgery?”
There was a tiny pause. My brain fired off all kinds of answers: Vitamin deficiencies! Pain! Death!
“Judgement.”
What?
“Being criticized.”
Wait, what?
“When people think surgery’s the easy way out, or a sign of weakness, or just a stupid idea, and they never stop letting you know." Huh.
According to a roomful of WLS post-ops, having to deal with my criticism might be the biggest, scariest risk my mom would face if she had surgery. Compared to daily, holier-than-thou judgement, even post-surgical complications might seem trite and manageable.
My mom do go ahead with her surgery. In under a year, I watched her regain much of the health and livelihood she’d lost. A little over a year later, I went to the same surgeon.
Ever since I opted to have gastric bypass surgery myself in 2003, I can tell you that the folks at that meeting were right.
I’ve worked my tail off to get well, to get an honest handle on my relationship to food, and to create a body I love. I became a personal trainer, coach, and educator to help others do the same. As a wellness professional, I’ve been judged for having had surgery in much the same way I was judged for being the fattest kid on the playground, except now, it’s often by other fitness “professionals.”
I’ve since apologized to my mother for the grief I tried to give her when she first started exploring surgery as an option. And I’ve thanked her for sparking the greatest lesson I’ve ever learned - the lesson that I’ve dedicated my career to teaching to others:
Self-acceptance and the desire to change are not mutually exclusive propositions - they can co-exist. In my experience, and that of countless clients and students, the only way to make lasting, sustainable, positive change is to begin from a place of love.

184.8
While it looks like a 0.6 lb loss, it was far more. For some reason after last weigh in on Sunday, the scale showed 2.6 lb gain by Monday (my official weigh-in day) and it is finally coming off. Weird!
185.4/184.8/177.4

Starting wt: 185.4
Goal wt: 170
This is definitely a stretch goal, but hey, why not?!

Not telling them might wind up driving a bigger wedge than the weight loss.
I don't know the intricacies of your relationship with your friends, but I can relate a personal experience. One of my oldest friends had surgery many years ago, and it DID cause some strife in our friendship. I was proud of her, and admired her success - honestly, I even understood that she needed to bring new friends into her life who could do the things she wanted to do.
What I DIDN'T understand was why she couldn't remember what it was like to weigh 400 pounds and not be able to do things. Why she got upset or frustrated with me when I wouldn't do something with her because I couldn't keep up / walk that hill / fit / come in under the weight limit / afford the outfit, etc. Why we'd go places and start out walking together, then she'd start outpacing me and get pissy when I fell behind and she had to stop for me to catch up. Why she couldn't understand when I'd get upset when she insisted on sitting in the center row at the movie theater, right between people, forcing me to sit sideways on one cheek to avoid spilling onto the people next to us.
You can't control their reactions to your success, but if you want to do your part to maintain your relationship with them, just don't forget where you came from - respect where they are and what they can do, and that it's okay that they aren't in the same place that you are.
And congratulations - it looks like you're doing a great job so far

I've been doing very well with my sleeve. It’s said on this site all the time but I'm say it as well...Getting the sleeve was the best decision I've made and I wouldn't change anything. I had a positive outlook on the entire situation from the beginning and I truly believe that helped.

I started out at 262lbs, I lost 15lbs from doing the pre op diet, and today I weight 156lbs so total I’ve lost 106lbs. I started in a size 22 now I’m in a size 8.

No, I did not work out, however I did change my eating habits, I completely gave up sugar and only do sugar substitute or sugar free. I do Protein first and I eat a lot of Protein Bars, I can’t stand the shakes they make me nauseous.

In the beginning this was all like a fantasy or a dream, but now I’m actually living it and it feels wonderful.

What loss of appetite?

OK, I certainly understand feeling this way, but I've got to question that you can't find ANYTHING positive about yourself inside and out.
You are: alive, you are actively seeking to change your life, you participate on this forum so are helpful to others.
I have never met you and I came up with three things.
I challenge you to come up with three things yourself and write them down.
I also challenge you to ask other people in your life for three positive things about you and write them down (whether you agree with them or not). I bet it won't take long to start seeing some patterns.
Best of luck.

Its time for another challenge! This challenge will be beginning with the first weigh in and goal on Friday November 7, 2014. From there on after, weigh ins will take place Fridays. Last weigh in will be Friday January 2, 2015. This will allow a total of 9 weigh ins in all. I will post the link for the spreadsheet once its the week of. I know this challenge will be hard for a lot of people including myself because of three major holidays. I want everyone to enjoy this time with their family and friends.. This challenge is to help us make healthy food choices during this time.
Few reminders
You will know it is updated once I have liked your post. Please post weigh ins here in this post only. We are all here to support each other..so questions posted here will be answered by anyone else willing to help. If you want to adjust your goal weight, just add that in any reply to this post. if you miss a weigh in...no biggie. Just report back in the next week. But If you missed three or more weigh ins, i will amuse that you no longer wish to continue the challenge and your name will be removed from spread sheet.
Have fun with this! Challenge yourself in new ways! Join us for the Holiday Challenge!
Spread Sheet Link: http://onedrive.live.com/redir?page=view&resid=BAD9C9C886818A59!558&authkey=!AMesfcbyXWutAvY

11/02/2014 198.8. Onederland, Baby!!!!!!! YAHOO!

185.4. I didn't make my goal, but am even closer to my ultimate goal. I am looking forward to the next challenge!

189.8

Count me in! Thanks, Susan.

188.2

189.8