*JASMINE*

Dear God, I know people are blessed in different ways, but I hate that I had to be mentally wired as I am. I wish I didn't have to analyze everything. I hate that my mind goes in to overdrive and the only way it can be sedated is with some type of chemical. I hate that I am so anti-social. I hate that I eat and still feel empty. I hate that even after weight loss surgery, I have regained 25lbs and still struggling with eating issues. Out of all the addictions I could have been given, why food? I am still very greatful for all that I have been blessed with, but just wish that I didn't have the mental issues that I do... Sincerely, An over-analytical-binge-eating-weightloss-surgery failure

I feel a little better today from the last post I did. I don't understand how I could have gained 4lbs in less than a week!!! I can't believe where I am right now. I think I have eaten so much that my band is no longer working. It is so fustrating. I'm gonna try to go on liquids for the next three days to see if I can get my band to start working again. I just hope I don't gain any more weight this week. With Thanksgiving coming up and then Paul's birthday, it's gonna be hard. I'm just trying to maintain right now.

I feel a little better today from the last post I did. I don't understand how I could have gained 4lbs in less than a week!!! I can't believe where I am right now. I think I have eaten so much that my band is no longer working. It is so fustrating. I'm gonna try to go on liquids for the next three days to see if I can get my band to start working again. I just hope I don't gain any more weight this week. With Thanksgiving coming up and then Paul's birthday, it's gonna be hard. I'm just trying to maintain right now.

I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and end what's going on in my head. I hate the voices. The fear of change. The self destruction. The weight gain. I want it all to end. I create my own problems. I hate that I have to relive this over and over again. I have no control over all of this. I hate that I put Paul through this all of the time. He doesn't deserve to be around this. I don't know what he sees in me. I'm such a horrible person to be around. These are the things the voices tell me. I feel so depressed. I've gained 3 more pounds. I try and try to control the binging, but I get such anxiety over it. So what's the solution? Medication. I've tried that, it doesn't help. There seems to be no solution. I want to end all of the suffering. But I can't. I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear...:think

I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. I HATE THE WAY I'M WIRED. Sometimes I just want to bang my head against the wall and end what's going on in my head. I hate the voices. The fear of change. The self destruction. The weight gain. I want it all to end. I create my own problems. I hate that I have to relive this over and over again. I have no control over all of this. I hate that I put Paul through this all of the time. He doesn't deserve to be around this. I don't know what he sees in me. I'm such a horrible person to be around. These are the things the voices tell me. I feel so depressed. I've gained 3 more pounds. I try and try to control the binging, but I get such anxiety over it. So what's the solution? Medication. I've tried that, it doesn't help. There seems to be no solution. I want to end all of the suffering. But I can't. I just want to crawl under a rock and disappear...:think

<p>Love this thread. Now I don't feel like the odd one out.</p> <p> </p> <p>I assumed that my struggle would be over. But it will never be.</p> <p>I assumed that once I lost my weight, the band would help me maintain it. But it hasn't.</p> <p>I assumed that I would not be able to overeat. I can.</p> <p>I assumed that my life would be changed forever. But I can always end up where I started.</p> <p>I assumed that my band would help with my hunger. It doesn't. I'm hungry ALL the time.</p>

I am staying on plan today because I have creeped up to 159lbs and I don't want to hit 160lbs.

WOW, fastforward 9 months. I am up to 159lbs. That's a 14lb gain in 9 months. That's not good. I refuse to get up to 160lbs. I looked back at my last entry and can't believe I was griping about being 145lbs. I'd be happy to be that weight right now. But you know what, looking back at my past entries, I realize that I was able to eat a lot even back then. Here I was thinking that I have worked myself up to consuming almost pre-band amounts, but looking back at my other entries, I realize that the amounts are the same. I realize that the only thing that has changed is the amount of exercise I am doing, the weighing in, and the amount of break days I am allowing myself. Back then, I allowed myself to break for one meal once a week. Now I am breaking for every meal during the weekend. Not good. So, my goals are to track my food, weigh in once a week, and only break once a week. I can do it. I've been wallowing in self defeat for quite a while. It's not doing me any good but making me miserable. I did it once and I can do it again. It's all up to me know. I refuse to hit 160!!!!!

WOW, fastforward 9 months. I am up to 159lbs. That's a 14lb gain in 9 months. That's not good. I refuse to get up to 160lbs. I looked back at my last entry and can't believe I was griping about being 145lbs. I'd be happy to be that weight right now. But you know what, looking back at my past entries, I realize that I was able to eat a lot even back then. Here I was thinking that I have worked myself up to consuming almost pre-band amounts, but looking back at my other entries, I realize that the amounts are the same. I realize that the only thing that has changed is the amount of exercise I am doing, the weighing in, and the amount of break days I am allowing myself. Back then, I allowed myself to break for one meal once a week. Now I am breaking for every meal during the weekend. Not good. So, my goals are to track my food, weigh in once a week, and only break once a week. I can do it. I've been wallowing in self defeat for quite a while. It's not doing me any good but making me miserable. I did it once and I can do it again. It's all up to me know. I refuse to hit 160!!!!!

One of my pet peeves is a person going 50mph in the fast lane, with a line of cars behind them (me being one of them). Over the years, I have learned to not let it bother me, but I really do want to try to understand people that do this. I am starting this thread to try to get to the root of this. I really want to understand why this is done. I may be in the wrong for getting mad at people that do this, and if so, I would like to know this, too. I was once a passenger in my sister's car, when I realized SHE was one of these drivers. I asked her WHY she did this and she casually replied that she just didn't care. It didn't bother her that she was obstructing traffic and if other people wanted to get mad at about it, it really didn't bother her. So, what really goes through someone's mind when driving below the speed limit in the passing lane? I truly would like some honest replies. My intentions are not to make anyone the "bad guy". I would just like to understand the logic.

That's exactly what I think. But then a little voice in my head says, "PLEASE, not everyone is out to inconvenience you!". Then I calm myself down. Then I have this saying that states something about not allowing someone to make you angry because it allows them to have control over you, or something like that. As you can see, I've had to counsel myself alot over inconsiderate people. I try to stay in control of my road rage, because when it gets out of hand, I find myself doing some pretty risky maneuvers to get around these idiots. They're just not worth it.

I think that it is because of the fear of failure. At least it was this way for me. I had originally set my goal for 150lbs. When I reached that, I changed it to 145lbs. Then it was 135lbs. I think some of us like to take baby steps. Ideally, I would love to be 120lbs. I didn't set that goal because I have made peace with the fact that I just wasn't meant to be that thin.

Yeah, here in Texas they have some law that prohibits those semi drivers from being in the fast lane. They don't always follow it, though. I sometimes think that slow drivers are the ones who cause the most accidents. I know that everyone is responsible for their own reactions, but man, it's called a freeway for a reason. How ironic it is that a great amount of the drivers who cause accidents are never actually in the accident or held accountable.

Never dull your shine for someone else (heard that last night on AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL when the other girls were being envious of one of the girls who were more successful).

No problem. I would never agree with someone just because they were my friend. But I might be a little more considerate to them when I disagree. The only one I FORCE myself to agree with is my MIL...just for the sake of peace.

Ok, why are you dragging my name into this? No, I was not discussing you in particular when I said it was rude to correct someone. I don't remember you correcting my grammar on the other post, so I'm not understanding where you are coming from? I thought we agreed to disagree and let it be? Sheesh, some people just can't let things go...

Sorry, I just reviewed my comment and kind of did something similar to the "and alot of other posters agree with me" comment. Silly me. My bad:faint:.

Yeah, I completely agree with this observation. I see it. I know many other people here see it, too. It can be very childish.

I was banded in 2005. I was very successfull in my weightloss. I went from 220 to 135. I counted calories and went running twice a week. I suffered a knee injury from running about a year ago and have been going downhill ever since. I am now up to 156lbs. I know to most it still seems like a good weight. But I find myself so depressed about my recent weight gain. I thought I had it all under control. I have been eating nothing but crap recently, which is why I am where I am. It's like a switch in my head went off and I can't switch it back on again. I had a recent fill, which resulted in a small unfill because it hurt just to get Water down, and I am back to where I started. I can still eat anything. I can't rely on the full feeling because I feel like it is unobtainable. I have to rely on counting calories. I find myself so envious of people who can only eat 800 calories per day and people who were able to get RNY. Mentally, I feel like I am at square one. I have realized that this will always be a huge battle for me. For the first year, I was on cloud nine. But now, I realize that there will never be a cure for the eating issues that I have. It makes me realize that maybe we are treating our eating issues the wrong way. Maybe we should be getting therapy instead of weight loss surgery. Anyone ever feel like this? Disclaimer: No I am not knocking lap band surgery. I am just trying to work through the mental issues most of us are suffering from...how about a section for doing the head work?

I completely agree with you there. I'd rather know. I guess the delivery is what's important. If I made a grammar mistake, and someone felt compelled to inform me, I'd much rather get PMd about it then it brought up on a thread that has nothing to do with grammar. Same for the broccoli in my teeth. I'd much rather be pulled aside then informed about it in front of a crowd of people. But it just comes down to the motive of the person who is correcting me. Online, you really can't determine what someone's motive is. I really don't know you, but from what I've read so far, you seem like a kind hearted individual with only good intentions. Not everyone on this forum, or in life is like that, I'm afraid.:nervous

I think it's rude. I also find that it is done very frequently on this forum when someone is having a heated debate. It's kind of petty, if you ask me. Usually shows that the person is getting desperate and has nothing else to offer in the debate. It also says to me that a person is trying to insult my intelligence.

Oh Rachel, When I read this, I know exactly who you are talking about and you are so right. I definately don't need to be lectured by those types of people. I know what I'm doing wrong. Sometimes though, your emotional side takes over your logical side. And I completely agree with you when it comes to some medical professionals not addressing these issues. Mine did not. I know that some do and that this is what the psych eval is for. But maybe it's because I was banded in Mexico. Maybe the US docs make our psychological issues more of a priority. I don't know. I'd hate to lump them all together. Just going on my experience. I'm not going to blame them for my head issues, though. I'd just like some of them to make more patients aware that this is not a cure. That the head issues will always be there. That you can eat around the band. That you can regain your weight. I mean, if the surgeons were so thorough, why are so many of us on this board with so many questions? I refuse to believe that so many of us "did not do all of the research". I did my research. I'm so sorry to hear about you losing your band. Did you start a thread about it somewhere? I'd like to hear more about it. Take care, Jasmine

You guys are all so SWEET for responding. To tell you the truth, I had forgotten about this thread. I'm still struggling but not as much. I haven't really been weighing myself. Like you guys said, scales are not my friend. I've just been going based on how my clothes feel. I used to be motivated by the fear of losing my band, but for some reason, that fear is no longer there. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to get back on track. I need a really good scare. Thanks again for all of the kind words. I really appreciate you all taking the time to write:).

Thank you guys so much for responding. I'm sorry it took so long to respond to your replies. I've been so busy the past few days. I decided to start walking every day. I also decided to stop weighing myself and just go with how my clothes feel on me. I haven't weighed in a whole week. I am so proud of myself for that. I have to say that life is a little bit less stressful when I don't weigh myself. So I just wanted to thank you three for taking the time to respond and let me know that I am not alone in my struggle. I really appreciate your heartfelt response:). I'm just taking it one day at a time now.

I've had my band for more than 2 years. I went in to have my band checked yesterday and the doctor gave me a really big fill. I'm up to 8.8cc in a 10cc band. I've never been filled so much. It hurts a little to even drink liquids. Is it supposed to hurt? I've heard of people saying that they could barely get liquids down, but no one has ever mentioned that they were in any pain. I'm not sure what to do. Should I give it a couple of days to let the swelling go down, or go in for an unfill?