ngannnan

Today was my first surgeon’s appointment and I have got to say that my surgeon is awesome. He was great to talk to and he was really amazed as to how far I have come to quitting a lot of things already. He believes that I can be very successful in this process. Now I am sure he says that to all his patients but I do believe that I can be successful. After talking with the surgeon I talking with my case manager. Now she is a cool person and she just recently had surgery herself….8 weeks out and she is bubbly and so nice. We talked about my insurance requirements as well as what they expect. In the beginning I thought that my smoking and having to wait 6 months before I can have the surgery was way too far out but seeing my schedule and everything I have to do before it now doesn't seem too far way. I am actually excited now because we are shooting for a May surgery. I was amazed and wondered if my insurance would take a long time but she said that as long as I meet the requirements it shouldn't take long especially since my BMI is 66 and even if I did lose weight I would still be in the range to qualify. So I have my first dietitian appointment on Friday and I meet with the nurse on January 4th to start my 3 month supervised diet. OMG….I am actually in this process and can’t wait to see what is next. I am not going to put a number on how much I want to lose. I want to be able to feel good in my body no matter the number that I lose. And so it begins….

Submitted to insurance today!
 
Fingers crossed!
 
(By the way, in regards to the last post, my primary doctor said he will still clear me for surgery

o for the past few days, well weeks, I've been nonstop thinking about what's wrong with me medically and thinking about how this is the worst time to not know...because it's going to hold up surgery next month.
I've been crying and unable to stop thinking about everything.
I feel forgotten about. It was 3 weeks ago that I was told I was bleeding internally. I was told to have a colonscopy. My referring doctor, the hematologist, was to fax over a script before I can schedule the procedure. My hematologist will not fax over a script without first talking to the GI doctor before scheduling the procedure. I don't know what's so important that he needs to speak with him. There's a reason why though. He's looking for something in particular. So the doctors have been going back and forth and playing phonetag for 3 weeks and unable to get each other on the phone, while I sit here and wait not knowing wtf is going on and not knowing what becomes of the surgery in a few weeks. At this point I'm like just let me please fucking schedule the procedure...please. I don't have much time between now and surgery...nor do I have much time in my schedule as it is to set up this procedure with interning and graduate school and all the other crap I have going on.
I just don't want to wait anymore. I'm scared one minute, then I'm not, then the next I'm terrified to think I'll be stuck in this shit body for longer than longer than January.
 
Here's the shitty part too...
 
My surgeon's office is faxing my file to insurance to be approved or denied this week. I could be approved fairly quick (which at this point, I hope it doesn't go quick) and then I'll receive a surgery date. I NEED A COLONOSCOPY and some ANSWERS between now and the proposed date, which will probably be in the first few weeks of January before I can GET this surgery. I will probably go to pre-surgical testing ANYWAY and fail the blood tests miserably...which in turn will put off the surgery...which is turn will make my insurance approval EXPIRE causing me to have to explain this to the surgeon's office and again RESUBMIT and wait LONGER for a date or at least wait until this whoel colonscopy thing is resolved...which at this point, seems like the doctors will never fucking get in touch with each other and stop dicking around.
 
So that's where I stand. The stupid amount of money on vitamins and herbs and supplements I've bought and will be taking will probably mean nothing in terms of effecting my blood results.
 
So really...insurance will have my file this week, and yet I can't do anything until this stupid colonoscopy is scheduled, which at this rate, will be in 2014.
 
I can't explain how I feel. I feel crushed. I feel like giving up. I feel lost in this. I want some answers. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm losing blood quick enough that I'm a step away from anemia...and yet no one knows why.
 
Still this post doesn't even begin to do any amount of justice for what I'm feeling.
 
I'm so close to getting the surgery...done with 8 months of everything...and now this happens? How? I just can't...

I'm a few days late with my entry but I have been very busy traveling. I traveled to visit my family this past weekend and it was a good visit. I did inform my parents that I was going to get the surgery and of course they are supportive. I think that they were surprised because I was so defensive when it was brought to my attention in past years. I told them I needed to soul search by myself and it was my decision and my decision alone. I still have my days that where don't think I can do it but I know that in the end I can do it.
 
These next 10 days are going to be interesting because I am traveling for work. I am spending Thanksgiving with my friends in DC and taking this vacation is a must. Trying to eat the same as I do at home has been hard but I have made better decisions then in the past when traveling. I get into this mood where I try and rationalize that since I'm on vacation I can eat what I want. I think becasue of the past 3 or so months of me watching what I eat and the differences in choices has helped me now being out of the comfort of my home. This is a much needed vacation and I will still enjoy myself but I still need to watch what I eat and make better decisions. Now next week will be the test because of where I am for work.....it will be interesting but at the same time a leason in how to choose better food when there isn't much to choose from.
 
I hope everyone has a joyful Thanksgiving....enjoy family & friends

Why am I this heavy? How could I have let myself get this far? Why even try when you know you’re going to fail again?
 
I can’t tell you how many times I asked myself these questions this week. I thought last week was an emotional week…..boy was I wrong. I think it all started when I thought about the 7 hour flight I have to do in about a week. I have to travel to Washington, D.C. for work and knowing that it’s going to be a hard trip is scaring me. Trying to fit into a seat that is made for someone half my size and sitting next to a person who is eyeing you because you are spilling over into their seat makes me want to cry. Knowing that you can’t go to the bathroom because they were apparently made for a Barbie! I have avoided flying for the longest time but this trip seems to be the hardest thing to try and get out of. After a really long cry and kind of beating myself up I decided that getting an extra seat would be a better solution. This will be my first time purchasing two plane tickets just for me but I know that I will be comfortable and there will be less embarrassment if I bought it in advance. Boy what a wake-up call that was…..oh the joy of flying. I know that there will be a time when I do fit in one of those seats and not have to worry about the looks and whispers.
 
So I haven’t told my family except my sister about the surgery and I just found out last week that my mom is going to do the surgery too. It was surprising to hear this but no really because my mother and father have always bothered me to get it too. So one emotion I was not ready for regarding my mother getting surgery was jealousy. I am not a jealous person but for some reason I am now. I think the reason I am is because she doesn’t have all the restrictions I do because of my surgeon and insurance. All she has to do is try and lose 15 pounds then she will be able to get her surgery before they leave for Hawaii in April. Now I have to be on a 6-month supervised diet, work with a nutritionist, have a psych evaluation, and even then it doesn’t mean my insurance will approve. A friend told me that my surgeons are more detailed because they really want you to succeed in this process. Don’t get me wrong I am proud of my mother for doing this but I am just not ready to share this process with anyone. I know that I will get over this and I hope it is soon.
 
P.S. I did get a call from the surgeon’s office and I have my first appointment on December 5th. I am so excited and I also was assigned the surgeon that I wanted . Thankfully being in D.C. for 2 weeks will help me get to this date faster.

I have been doing my reading, research, and starting to stock "My Cupboard". I am mostly packed for the hospital. I have cleaned out my whole wardrobe of "ugly" clothes and put aside my "too small" clothes for later. I am still really EXCITED about the surgery. I am also emotional! Everything that is a distraction in my life is wearing on my nerves. I am finally taking the time to take care of myself and I resent all the petty stuff that is distracting me. I just want to be relaxed and focused. Even working out I feel frustrated. At first I loved working out but the more I am "pushed" out of my comfort zone...ie until I am going to vomit. The more I don't want to be around them. So, I am going to try a couple of sessions at the gym by myself. I am hoping that this moodiness is just PMS and nerves. Ughhh.

First off I had my seminar this week. It was nice meeting the surgery team. They are nice but also really funny. That’s a good sign because I love to laugh…who wouldn't I should be getting a phone call from my surgeon to set up an appointment this week. I’m excited and can’t wait for that phone call. Luckily I have another issue I’m taking care of (PCOS doctor appointments). Plus keeping busy with work has helped. Not sure how I’m going to handle 2-4 weeks away from work. One thing you should know is I love what I do and the people I work with. I know, it’s crazy but I do .
 
One thing I didn't expect so soon was all the emotions I felt this week. I know that your emotions will be up and down but I didn't realize it would be this soon. During this week, around 2-3 days, I was feeling alone. I’m single at the moment and all my family lives 300 miles away. I go to doctor appointments alone, figure out meals alone, and feel pretty much alone. Some might say this is ideal for this process but I really have mixed feelings about that. It’s funny because I have felt alone before but not like this. Today has been a good day, actually yesterday was too. They say you need to take it one day at a time but I have come to the conclusion that I need to take it one hour at a time. Need to work myself up to that one day but until then I am good with taking it hour by hour.
 
I’m so proud of myself thought because I have really started watching what I eat. Cutting out soda and sugar has been going good (even with Halloween I was good – no candy!). Trying to get in the protein and veggies but the carbs thing has been hard. I have to try because I want to get ready even though I am probably 6-9 months away from surgery…but this will be a large part of my success.
 
One last thing (I promise), I bought the Weight Lose Surgery for Dummies book and I have got to say it was the best thing I could of done. There is so much info in there and I feel a little overwhelmed but a good overwhelmed. I have a feeling I will be caring this book around with me everywhere and know it will be my companion for a while. I do recommend this book to anyone who is starting or even close to surgery date.
 
Well another week down and many more to go. Understanding this process is like a roller coaster ride….you will have ups and downs but in the end you will have a smile on your face and on your way to a healthier you.

This is my very first blog ever. My name is Aimee, I am 33 years old and from MN. I have 3 children and have been married just over one year. I started this process on July 27th, 2012 and I have (hopefully) 2 more weeks or so before I get my surgery date. I just had my first appt with my surgeon and he wanted me to be at my goal weight before surgery was scheduled plus he wanted some medical records from 2000, and wants me to practice taking my meds the way I need to take them after surgery for the next two weeks.
 
So now it's on me how quickly this surgery gets scheduled. I've been approved. I got him the medical records he requested and i'm working on my meds and weight loss. I went in there in July weighing 315. I now weigh 311. Two weeks ago I was at 308 but once I was approved I began cheating like there was no tomorrow. I didnt know I needed to be at goal weight to have it scheduled!! I would've never done that. My goal weight is 298, so I have 13 lbs to lose in two weeks. I first started out eating a low carb diet, but now I switched to 2 protein shakes a day and then a high protein meal for dinner and only veggies for a light snack if necessary. I cheated since my last appointment, which was Tuesday until today--no cheating at all!! Not even one piece of halloween candt today or pizza while my family ate that for lunch. I'm proud of myself today. It's very hard for me not to cheat. I just talked to my husband about it today and I need to get some help, like counseling or something because I know the BIG picture here but yet I continue to sabotage myself and I want to be down to that goal weight no less than two weeks from the 30th- which will be Nov. 13th. I have issues with food that i'm sure a lot of people can relate to but I just don't knoiw anyone that does personally, like I do.
 
This has been a long process and i'm hoping for a date in December, but i'm having issues with that also. My insurance only approved me to have the surgery until December 31st, 2012, and my boss does not want me to have it before Christmas, which I need to comply with. So I am looking at the week of Christmas, if my surgeon will even be doing surgery that week or else looking at getting an extension for my approval from my insurance company. My surgeon is in no hurry to get me in either. I have a history of Pulomnary Embolisms and he's very concerned about that, along with my ability to lose the weight that I need to, plus I take meds for anxiety and depression that I will need to continue after surgery and they need to be taken in a very new way and he wants me used to that now. This is all managable. I can do this, but i'm very nervous because I cheat at my diet and haven't been putting forth the effort that I should be for this. It makes me nervous because I do not want to cheat at this after surgery and I do not want to fail at this. This is HUGE- it is life changing and I just want to be able to succeed at weight loss. I kind of feel like the surgery hasn't happened yet and I don't need to be as diligent as I will be then-or something..I feel like once I have the surgery, there's no turning back and I won't have a choice in losing the weight because it's do or die time then, but what's my issue now then? Why can't I buckle down? I guess I did today, so theres the first step.
I need to stop letting food control me. It is always on my mind, it's always there and always will be. I have a family of 5 and food isn't going to disappear. Today I did what I needed to do but I had my breakfast shake at like lunch time, then when it was dinner time I had dinner and then my "lunch" shake after dinner because I was still hungry. I had a snack of green beans in between lunch and dinner time and then a bowl of chicken and veggies when I got to work tonight at 11:30pm. I will be burning lots of calories tonight as I work at a group home and clean all night long. I'M HUNGRY still!!! It's not just in my head- im not only obsessing about food today, im physically hungry. I drank 3, 64 oz. cups of crystal light today- so i'm plenty hydrated. Maybe it's the artificial sweetner in the crystal light that's making my hungry- i've read that sweetners can do that.
I am usually not an emotional person either- well I think my meds have something to do with that, but anyways, today i've been emotional. My husband and I are not doing well in our relationship. We've been together 6.5 years, just married over one year now. We started out hot and heavy- mind you, I was at about a size 10 then. As the years passed, I gained and gained and gained my weight. My weight has always been up and down- but after my third child, my husband and I went through a very rough patch when he was born and since then I continued to gain uncontrollably. I was even planning mny huge wedding and instead of losing weight, I almost didn't get into my dress the day of the wedding. I got even more depressed after the wedding- i was in a bad funk for a bout 5 months and reached 321 lbs. Thats the highest I ever saw the scale go. I eventually came out of my funk but our marriage had suffered and still is. We dont sleep in the same bed - EVER, let alone the same story of the house because I snore really bad and he's a light sleeper. This has never been an issue for either one of us until recently for me. See, he spends most of his time, when he's off of work, in his bedroom. He will take the baby with him usually but he hardly spends any time downstairs with me and my two kids ( from previous relationship) This is a HUGE problem for me. H e is aware of it and has been "trying" to spend more time downstaris with us but it's been minimal. We used to be best friends. We used to only want to hang out with each other because none of our friends were as fun as each other was. Now we hardly speak to one another and we both have resentments towards each other and my wieght plays a huge role in our relationship as well. I am now a size 24--I am hardly recognizable from who I used to be. We have NO sex life. He claimns it's because of my weight- that i'm too embarassed about it in bed and he has to do all of the work and it just doesnt work well. I think it's because he's not attracted to me anymore. We just dont have a relationship anymore and it's so sad. We've talked amny of nights about this surgery and how it's going to help our relationship in many ways but it scares me to think that right now is so so bad and because I lose wieght- everything will be ok...Thats hurtful and wrong. If he cant love me unconditionally, then how will this improve our relationship?
 
I realistically know that the surgery will not fix our relationship. It has to be worked on and both of us have to put forth the effort. I do know that I have never been so attracted to anyone as I was to him and I never felt as beauitful as he used to make me feel when I was thin. I know our attraction to each other is strong and I am hoping that, that will come back and we can start reconnecting. This is a scary process. The what if's... I actually cried today- which I haven't done in a very long time. I am unhappy and feel so alone. I miss him and what we used to have. I will write him a letter and we can talk. The next step will be counseling. I feel like this marriage is still so new, but yet so old. I want it to work and I never want to get a divorce- (which I hear the divorce rate after surgery is huge) but I cant continue to live like this. I can't even wait two more weeks to get my surgery date for things to change. It has to be now.
 
Well, it felt really good blogging..I love to write and I think this will be a new step in this journey for me. Hopefully somebody will take the time to read it and give me some feedback possibly. Sorry if my spelling or punctuation hasnt been spot on, i'm just trying to wrtie fast. I better start cleaning now. Tomorrow is a new day--I will work hard on my diet and be as positive as possible. BIG PICTURE

Where to start.....well first off my name is Shanna (Shannalee) Smith and I am 34 years old. I live in Spokane Washington but grew up in the Seattle area. I have been heavy all my life so being "skinny" is really foreign for me. It has really taken me more than half of my life to make the decision to get wls but I think that asking for help is not a bad thing. I also believe that I needed to come to this decision on my own rather then everyone around me telling me to get the surgery. Denial is more like it but when you have the people around you telling you that wls is the way to go I just wanted to prove to everyone that I didn't need it. I guess even when I tried to lose the weight without help it still didn't work. With all the researching I have done on wls I found that it's merely a tool to help on lose weight and that you have to work on all the others parts along the way.
 
One huge fear that I have at the moment is that whenever I lose weight I get scared and put the weight back on. I guess when one has been big all their life you get comfortable and being something else scares me. I guess what I really need is to experience a better and more healthier me to know what if does feel like to be "skinny".
 
One thing that has helped me understand the process of wls is this website and everyone that is here. I know that while I'm getting all my tests and going through the pre-op diet, that everyone here will help me concur those ups and downs. Even after the surgery I know that when things hit a bump in the road that this is the place I can come to for help and advise. I guess this is the place to ask for help and with my history of not asking for help I know that I can break that cycle.
 
This is only the beginning and it can only get better from here.

Hello everyone! I am 32 years old and 253 lbs and am 5'5". I finally reached the point where I just don't think I can lose 100+ lbs on my own. Even working out I feel like I have a fat suit on making me just want to give up. I barely ever saw more than a 5 lb change since I had my last baby 3 years ago. It is time for me to do something for me. I just didn't realize how hard it would be to get other peoples opinions not to matter. It seems like everyone has an opinion on what you should or shouldn't do.
 
So, I have had my 1st appointment with my Dr. Dr Friedman was great. He had said any medical records from the last 6 months (blood/xrays/ekg's) could be used so we didn't have to redo them. I still had to have a new EKG and get about 15 vials of blood taken (felt like they owed me a cookie and oj!). I had already been cleared by PSYCH at Psychiatrics Associates. We set up my appointment with the Nutritionist for this Monday the 29th Oct. If I get an all clear from her they are going to submit me with whatever bloodwork is in within 2 weeks and I have a tenative surgery date of NOVEMBER 26th!
 
I am more excited than nervous about the surgery being soon. It gives me 25 days before we leave to go visit family for xmas. I am hoping to be on pureed foods by then. I have done tons of research on food options, the procedure, and what to expect. I have never had surgery before, and I will be about an hour from home when I am in the hospital so I don't know who will be with me or how often. I am supposed to be out within 2-3 days. I have already started doing Zumba and Crossfit workouts now to get back in the mentality of working out. I am just hoping that my recovery with be relatively simple with no complications.
 
One of my biggest struggles in the is whole thing has been OTHER PEOPLE. The "I think this is what you should do" crowd. I had a (gastric sleeve/lapband) and you should too. The "I heard about this person who..." telephone game. I even had to combat my hubby thinking "If you just do X amount more workouts". Luckily I came to the realization that they can get on board my "train of thought" or I am just going to run them over and move on. It was a hard tactic for me because I am pretty non-confrontational. I am convinced that I am making the right decision...FOR ME. As my Dad said to me " A new year, a new you." I think I am here under the "fat suit"...somewhere.

Well here I am on my new blog. I'm not sure where to start so I will just ramble a minute. I had RNY in June 2008. My starting weight was 328 lbs. I lost down to 175 lbs. in about 13 months. I did pretty well and maintained until after my oldest son passed away in December 2010. I literally fell off the wagon and gained back weight, a lot of weight. I was shocked to find I weighed 246 lbs. I was so disappointed and scared that I cried. How could I have let this happen? Looking back there were several opportunities to get a grip but I didn't.
 
Fast forward to October 5-6, 2012. I attended the Obesity Help Conference here in Atlanta. I walked away with a renewed sense of "I can do this". I went back to basics and eliminated the carbs, made protein my first priority, drinking my water and walking. This past Monday I weighed 225.2. I know I have a ways to go but I'm on the right track!
 
 
Joyful

Ok so week 1 is over and I have been feeling pretty darn good since I came home. I haven't had any crazy problems, knock on wood, or anything so that makes me happy.I have been walking and getting out on little adventures (a.k.a. stores) but I do find that after about an hour I get super tired and lose my energy and have to go relax and sit down. I know it's cause of the lack of calories and protein and stuff but I do not enjoy it. I have been having trouble getting my proteins in which is common. I can't really stomach the shakes anymore, which I still try to get down, and I can't really eat enough to get any good amount of protein so basically I have to relay on the shakes and do my best to drink them as much as I can. Sooo the exciting part, I lost 20 pounds since I got home from the hospital which was 1 week. I wasn't going to weigh myself until I went to the doctors for my 2 week checkup but I couldn't wait any longer so I weighed myself. Amazing and soooo excited. Well that's abot it. Until next week, taw taw!