Crushed. Lost. Exhausted. Scared. Hopeless.

o for the past few days, well weeks, I've been nonstop thinking about what's wrong with me medically and thinking about how this is the worst time to not know...because it's going to hold up surgery next month.

I've been crying and unable to stop thinking about everything.

I feel forgotten about. It was 3 weeks ago that I was told I was bleeding internally. I was told to have a colonscopy. My referring doctor, the hematologist, was to fax over a script before I can schedule the procedure. My hematologist will not fax over a script without first talking to the GI doctor before scheduling the procedure. I don't know what's so important that he needs to speak with him. There's a reason why though. He's looking for something in particular. So the doctors have been going back and forth and playing phonetag for 3 weeks and unable to get each other on the phone, while I sit here and wait not knowing wtf is going on and not knowing what becomes of the surgery in a few weeks. At this point I'm like just let me please fucking schedule the procedure...please. I don't have much time between now and surgery...nor do I have much time in my schedule as it is to set up this procedure with interning and graduate school and all the other crap I have going on.

I just don't want to wait anymore. I'm scared one minute, then I'm not, then the next I'm terrified to think I'll be stuck in this shit body for longer than longer than January.

Here's the shitty part too...

My surgeon's office is faxing my file to insurance to be approved or denied this week. I could be approved fairly quick (which at this point, I hope it doesn't go quick) and then I'll receive a surgery date. I NEED A COLONOSCOPY and some ANSWERS between now and the proposed date, which will probably be in the first few weeks of January before I can GET this surgery. I will probably go to pre-surgical testing ANYWAY and fail the blood tests miserably...which in turn will put off the surgery...which is turn will make my insurance approval EXPIRE causing me to have to explain this to the surgeon's office and again RESUBMIT and wait LONGER for a date or at least wait until this whoel colonscopy thing is resolved...which at this point, seems like the doctors will never fucking get in touch with each other and stop dicking around.

So that's where I stand. The stupid amount of money on vitamins and herbs and supplements I've bought and will be taking will probably mean nothing in terms of effecting my blood results.

So really...insurance will have my file this week, and yet I can't do anything until this stupid colonoscopy is scheduled, which at this rate, will be in 2014.

I can't explain how I feel. I feel crushed. I feel like giving up. I feel lost in this. I want some answers. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm losing blood quick enough that I'm a step away from anemia...and yet no one knows why.

Still this post doesn't even begin to do any amount of justice for what I'm feeling.

I'm so close to getting the surgery...done with 8 months of everything...and now this happens? How? I just can't...