Nykee

you guys ROCK!! I am so jealous! I wanna have such dreams!!!!! Do u think the overweight dream more amazingly like this, cuz all the normals I speak to usually do not say the things you guys have said~! My last dream I was going to "couseling" and my therapist was KINDA like Kevin spacey (actor) The sessions took place in a Camper parked in Safeway (grocery store) parkingLot (the safeway in Tillamook Oregon, where I grew up) While in his office I could look out at the people going in and out of the store. One day I told him I saw his camper all decorated in blood red velvet.. But I knew it wasnt real, cuz the rest of the camper was normal (old, plain) and I knew that fancy and old and plain wasnt a style that existed.. So I was having illusions .. He asked me if I was ready to talk about what was in my hand. In my hand was two necklaces. I clutched them and at the same time I looked out the window and saw A lady. The lady was walking to her car with a grocery guy carrying her stuff.. She has a bee hive hair do... and two curly locks hanging down each side. She is wearing a clingly light blue dress.. She suddenly crouches down and is walking on her feet still, but her butt is as low as the ground too... her dress rides up and she has fancy black undies showing.. and she is grumbling evil like words only goblens or devils would understand. I tell Kevin what I see (knowing its not real) and he says "OK, your not ready to talk about it" I kinda want to.. but He is all freaked out by what I saw so I just shrug and leave. Transition (kinda) NOT VERY INTERESTING I am going into the safeway to buy two cool whip tubs. I call my little cousin to come on and she rides her bike in the street and I scold her. She then colors and makes me wait. As I wait A grocery man or some bum (cant recal) tells me I let my food go t9o waste and I see a box of rotton veggies where I had ate most the grapes and I tell him "so what, I ate most the grapes" then me and my little cousin go in the store and I see these bins, like a dozen of them.. they feature fake peircings (like the body kind.. ;like the neck.) I take one out of a shark.. the tail on one side and the middle is where you squish the skin on and the head of the shark on the other.. These fake peircings dont exist.. and in my dream they didnt work too well.. I kinda invented something in my dream..

My fill stayed tight tight for two whole months but the norm is like a week or so.. I am the wrong person to ask honestly.. I LOVE being tight and eating nothing (lol) (I try to think so anyway)

wow thanks i didnt know thtere were more piucs on this site i love pics

Lets post our dreams.. they facinate me.. and if anyone wants to 'analyze them.. go for it.. lol The Purple String.. a dream....Nov. 3rd..1am Three men and a women were at a counter and a significant other was shaving their long nice hair.. two men were very upset, they looked at me alot and one was crying.... there was a judge like person behind the counter ( i was in front of this counter) and this was like some judgement or bet or punishment but was kinda all in ful as well.... The judge was then doing one guy and stopped .. the guy asked "why did you stop" and she said "this one is to dull" set in down and went behind some very white area (significantly white like she was a god more than just a judge) when she came back: she was suddenly frying a hamburger with cheese on it right in front of me (I was thinking, I could not see a heat source on the counter ) WELL, I had a spatula and I pressed down on the patty (to be of help) and the judge scorned me (just a bit) and said "if you ever get a patty thats pressed down like that you must know it never came from burger king" and I tried to fix the patty by fluffing it up but it fell apart even more and I was worried but then: then the judge plopped a peice of honey into the side of the pan.. it made a hard peice of like candy and I picked it up out of the pan and popped it in my mouth. (she meant for me to do this) TRANSITION I was in a closet...I was like a 10 or 12 yr old child and there were about 5 others like me, we were all 'innocent looking' and wore pinofore's and knickers and cloth hats like we were from another time in the past..These other kids were near me (age 8 yo 12? boys? I dont recall) and we were talking about how we didnt like this life and it on a whim we were gonna change it. They knew what that meant and I didnt really. This one girl had a purple string and she had wound it all around the closet area and in each time she wound the string she said something different and I remember looking at the string and all the twists and knots anfd thinking "I can never undo that" and POOF we were gone. Suddenly: We were all in a boat in extrememe darkness, in the ocean and the ocean was choppy with waves and there was water in the boat and I was pretty scared.... I was wondering what all was said during the purple string process to get us here. Transition We are climbing onto shore.. it is still dark. I see The girl with the purple string and she has it in her hands, it has swelled in in size kinda like yarn does when wet. She has a very big smile on her face like this is what she wanted. She is rolling the string up as if she had almost lost it in the turmoil of the ocean and getting to shore. Then its day and I notice we are unable to walk normal.. we kneel. At this time I ask my group "what all was asked for on that string!?" The girl who had done the string said in a very heavenly like saintly way "we shall be near the ocean at all times, we shall always kneel, we shall know the unknown...... (she rambled off a bunch of other things I wish I could recal but i cant. I do recall some were good and some I saw as just stupid and bad to have asked for.) I saw us trying to walk around the town and unable too withouht bending to some extent into a kneel.. but to keep our bare knees from scratching, we tried none the less (this time there was definately a boy with us about 12, he was able to walk the best kind of walk kneel walk kneel) I was the worst and sometimes it was like I was one of those mutants from a foreing country but I still looked like a lovely little girl. There was more we did and I cant remember but soon we summoned the purple string because this was not the way to live.. I was trying to figure out the perfect things to say as I knew I could get us to a good life better than any of these other kids who were alittle not with it when it came to life.... BUT one of the girls just did what she wanted before I could. She said we all were to live like 'sex in the city" and POOF there we were as I was thinking that I have never watched that show, BUT I knew that show was full of grown up things and we were just kids. Also in the dream I was aware we were surpose to be from a different time in the past and not know nor care about living like sex in the city. But poof.. we were in a city and we looked different... we kinda looked like we belonged in the 80's. with blonde hairsprayed do's.. and off the shoulder sweater tops and such..we were in this motel and the girl who asked for this life was sitting at a vanity and she said "Donald Trump stuffs his socks at the knee caps to make his butt loook smaller" And She was stuffing her bra (looking bad like knee caps) and she and the rest of us were still young as before.. I was thinking that YES we were in the life, but we werent ready for this life, we didnt know what to do.... and thats all I can recall.... the dam cat opened the door and I never got the chance to see what I would of done with the purple string...(boo hoo) I went to sleep at 9pm and I woke at 1am and I had to type this out... it was a very vivid dram. A WEIRD PART OF MY DREAM: I didnt want to include this in this dream sequence above BUT it WAS in my dream right after the part where we are roaming the beach community, not able to walk without kneeling... ITS SO CREEPY AND SCARY Well, the this "beach community" we couldnt really leave, went from really campy to really weird when I started to notice almost everyone wore dark maroon dirty cloaks and hoods and were abnormally sized (like alieins) and they carried staffs and they all walked in the same direction, the only way they could see would be out of this slit in the hood, but I never saw any eyes.. Transition... this man is getting into a wheele barrell and pretending he is dead... He is very interested and thinks its really neat thing to do.(like a reporter trying to get an inside scoop). I am just on onlooker and in no position to talk to him.. then later I see where the dead people in the wheelebarrels go.. to a large shed, were I see like 100 black people strung up and being whipped with whips (like slaves on tv) and yet they still seem dead... then I see a white man hung up being whipped, but he is alive (I see his eyes open) No one seems to think his being white or alilve matters,,, I just get out of that area fast and the dream transitions out of that theme // THANK GOODNESS!!

That kind of thing happened to me and I was real lucky to have got themt o listen in the ER it was hard though! I went in saying "I AM INFLAMED" " I NEED AN IV of ANTIINFLAMITORIES" It was obvious I was choking on my own saliva as they could tell with my little cup and spitting into it and then gag and choke.. so I got the IV.. after much to do.. and demanding by me... after 40 hours: later they had to do an unfill on me and no one even knew what that was... and I got it ... from ER with a spinal tap needle.. BUT hey, it was all I knew to do as no lapband docs are nearby I was firm and tuff and stood upo for myself and I KNOW I WAS LUCKY CUZ THAT DOESNT work..THEY never listen

yes, they can take the fill in and out at anytime during your fill appoiuntment mine was always sucked out to be sure it was the amount it was surpose to be and then filled back in with alittle more... soemthing like that mine was always on the nose

wow ..lookie all the lesbians.. lol IBI

LOl I am so glad this is happening for us :mad:

I hope to have 100 lost soon I gotta go weigh my self... soon!

I have diabeties (and know nothing about it) but I used to think juice (pure sugar) was the only thing that sustained my life and now I know thats not true.. I havent had heartburn or acid reflux ONCE since the bans and I used to have it every day the band is something I personally could easily fail at...I felt that way and I still so.. in my case it takes hard work and not even doing it right.. but I am ususally pitiful. its better than doing nothing I dont have a problem wiht hunger but some do

I share cuz its interesting to me...... this is what happens when food addiction dissappears (for me) note: I lost my food addiction after 20 yrs of the worst obsession.... its gone now (3 months) Once a month, I always shopped for the kids at a big store like walmart or winco. It was a big deal... I didnt really notice how much of a BIG deal till now.. On my mind was kids kids kids kids.... its my duty, I must provide well..get all they need and want Its all about the kids and what they want and need and will make them happy and show my ove and care for them. Usually its a 3 hour ordeal, to get as much food for the kids for as little money and sure to get all I need, and look for new things and pick, decide, read lables, change mind, cant decide, get all kids goodies, check the list.... run back and forth....very serious, involved, my store! I read receipt in car like a book and keep it like a prize in my purse. Then all food had to be set at my feet once home so I could go through it and recall what we had and then I handed things to them to put away. I was playing. I was molesting the food. SICK. First time out (in this NEW not addicted to food condition)....to grocery shop for 4 kids..like every month.... Went to my beloved WALMART supercenter I cruised in scooter.....feeling weird, different, not focused.. Now: Here I am feeling weird....then I feel silly and giggling and funny..(not me at all) All i care about is getting my Soup and juice and getting 'whatever' for the kids and out.. This massive thing has now become "whatever" I think "so what if the kids run out of this or that or something is missing or the cheese is gone before the tortillas or the food is gone too soon...they'll cope. (before I saw it as a sin) I didnt find all the kids special things. sweet and sour, jerkey and circus animals.. THIS was how I showed my LOVE??!!! Horrifying.....Just last month this was so important to me! I struggled witht this cuz it seems selfish and not the ways of a loving/ providing parent.. I know MY kids who love food and eat it all, all day long, what and when they want, and cant imagine them going without such a luxery. So how Can I feel so lax?? Simply... I no longer obsess over food... including theirs! WOW A:SP budgeting was my life with food and others... NOW. I didnt care if i wasted money on food.. the "deals" were suddenly no biggie either My weird and silly feelings came from the place a crazy food engorged mountain of a side show freak circus..(walmart) It seemed silly Deals and bins and this and that and food all over and its all so big and bright and stacked and packed and all around you.. scary and silly and Sooooooo NOT where I felt like I belonged. Not anymore.... I guess, I cant help how it now felt.. Its just not me... The next month: What was fun and exciting and a big event to me... is now a chore.. thank god the highlight of my week isnt grocery shopping! I send my kids with a list.. To a small grocery chain (like safeway) The add comes every week in the mail and I choose from whats on sale cuz we DO need to budget of course.... But crusing the food just not something I want to do. My cuppords dont runith over, my fride is never full and we all eat fine.. MY KIDS have not complained, its as if they dont evren notice witch leads me to beleive all the foods I thought they depended on were all in MY head, neat huh loves <!-- / message --><!-- sig -->

2$.... oh even I would of done that (for the kids) One bite of donut isnt something I would even try at this point .. lol I am reposting my post.. above.. I edited it and I just think its that important.. lol

first i feel a 'sensation' that never existed before. (usually stop here) Then I feel the actual drink or mushie or well chwed food going through in a slow kinda odd way that is hesitant and just not normal.. Then I may get a little tightness in my chest, thats related to that food going through slow like that I may saliviate too much. This is as far as i ever go now Getting used to my first real fiill: That tightness turns into a uncomfortable pain in the chest.. nothing that stops you due to the pain though. This can keep hurting even if you stop eating at that moment. It passes This sensation can bother you for qa moment and then you spit up a tiny amount...and its over as fast. Small, smooth spit up, next is a slime.. This is an instant feeling that you went a bit too far....even on a little bit .... I hate the pressure and feeling have to force my self to slime it out..... sometimes one slime is enough, sometimes it takes three to four slimes to get out half a cup of saliva and specs of food or drink. Its not so smooth or easy, eyes Water and its alittle violating... This is as far as i went when i was filled 3 months ago. It took three weeks to learn what I could or could not tolerate at certain times of the day.... Slime free and happy. BUT I had complications is the past and this is how that felt. The food or pills is stuck in your throat...iNothing can make it go away. You can force your self to slime, slime on your own, and its still there... It kinda hurts in chest and its a pressure you cant ignore and one inch of bread can take 20 slimes to stop.. A bit of bread with a half cup of slime each time, the slime just slimes out of your mouth, you dont even feel it come out and its so slimey and well hold a towel up to your mouth..till it passes. Your affraid to ever eat again..lol The above MAY be called a golf ball? Likely called a PB. A PB (to me) doesnt involve slime... (but it can) You constantly spit out your saliva cuz you cant swallow it, cuz your like closed. If you do swallow some, you get that pressure and want release and make it come up to feel better, saliva comes up in small amounts. Swallowing hurts, chest pain, its like nothing is stuck and sliming out.. but your definately stuck deep inside and you wait and wait .. till whatever it is comes up or goes down.. time is all you can do really. I only did this on pills for 9 hours once and then 40 hours then emergency unfill! I am scared to death of this PB

I just want to stay as I am.. 7 months out.. good fill, loosing fast... i love it Who knows what the next stage will be like.... all one can do is wait and see... My plan is to get a fill in January and it provide good restriction and all goes well... I wanna lose the 100 pounds in 1 yr. but the loss may stop in november or december? I wish it was more in our control

JQ ((((HUGS)))) WATER is the MANNA for the fat. Nothing feels better (to me) I spend all summer at the lake..try Oh an, I float on tubes, I catch salimanders, I find mud pits and play dirty monkey, I lounge in a boat and nap for hours, I swim down alcoves no one goes, I always go to the swim boobie and ride it, I swim in the pouring rain, I swim in the dark, I swim with fish biting me, I even can swim and fish at the same time! (dont swim as much as float and slowly put around) I swim with my wonderful kids, others kids, and cute boys..... where do u live? You must know this bliss! Shirt required. People DO NOT GAWK like you might think...or make fun or point... I must assume its cuz even jerks can respect the 400 pound lady enjoying herself like that (acting like anyone else) (of course its NOT anything like everyone else cuz it takes about fifty times the work and lots of scamming to not look so bad in those moments only the fat deal with. This is true all the time.. Fat ladies will be made fun of right in front of me as if I am not one... only cuz they "dont work the crowd" ... I am conscious of every minute and cant really explane how to avoid over 50% of the fat socail quo...... ALL I know is I found a way rather than give up the only things I have good In my6 life! THIS IS NOT a lecture.. I want to empower you.. and your no swim in 10 years is gonna be on my mind all night. lol PLEASE know I am just as inconfident and affraid and low self esteem as most.. (pretty bad) AND I am NO dork or weirdo (the mud munkies) I just learned a skill long ago called "fake it till you make it" I am faking it still.. but I am a pro. AND it leads to great fun and nothing neggative... so is my life. My life sucks alot.. dont get me wrong, and I suffer great pains no man would tolerate for my little pleasures.. but that makes it all the more worth it. P<S I NEVER SHOW my grossness.. ... thats just rude.. (not confident) lol I wear capri black streach pants, a tank top, ALWAYS WITH A NET COVER UP. I have BLACK< RED AND WHITE. (full summer wardrobe!) I am more ugly than anything.. and I have stupid hair too.. NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS A POOL!!!!!! loves

Sorry for typo's//////!!!!!!!!!!!! My screen is too far from the couch! good ones!! i wont eat in front of regular folk either...cone for their sake we just arent allowed, i guess baddie: at a car drive up at a&W, i got a corn dog and small cone (usual..ate small meals) young cute college men were next to us So, i so very carefully took a small bite off the top of cone.. (thought he wasnt looking) he choked on his hog full mouth immediately and made fun of me with his buddies about how i 'devoured' a bite.. then he mimiced me on his cone and dove his mouth on it to show... I so did not do that IF he was just making fun, no biggie but he genuinely saw me do it that way, (i could tell) THAT stings. People do see us eat ... wrongly I for one NEVER hog my food... (just not me) and I am kinda proud (gotta have something at this size) And that burned me up too. I have always hated being accused of doing the two pop thing to make the food look like two peoplw....and other things...closet eat, ..binge but I know its typical, I understand its just my pet peeve ACTUALLY I WANT TO LET THAT GO RIGHT NOW I have nothing to proove.. I DO not need ro show how my meal is a corn dog and a small cone and it fills me good.....NO I wont get more in 20 minutes!!!!! I do not need to defend fatties who really only have two slices of pizza but gets asked if she is on a diet!!! I found out my eating habits were horrific. Overall non defensive... And I wont defend the little parts I spent so often defending cuz its why I was able to be blind to the truth of my total habits (shiver) My food addiction is gone... TIME to put old habits to rest!! I am gonna try to never mention my tiny portain eating ever again.. unless its band related scientifiacally (I may have to tak about something involving food and my kids and defending ONE llast time before I let it rest.. ) (maybe not any more)

teresa.. its both i know.. heres a story..recent, true and still unbeleivable even when it happened to me note: I lost my food addiction after 20 yrs of the worst obsession.... its gone now (3 months) Once a month, I always shopped for the kids at a big store like walmart or winco. It was a big deal... I didnt really notice how much of a BIG deal till now.. On my mind was kids kids kids kids.... its my duty, I must provide well..get all they need and want Its all about the kids and what they want and need and will make them happy and show my ove and care for them. Usually its a 3 hour ordeal, to get as much food for the kids for as little money and sure to get all I need, and look for new things and pick, decide, read lables, change mind, cant decide, get all kids goodies, check the list.... run back and forth....very serious, involved, my store! I read receipt in car like a book and keep it like a prize in my purse. Then all food had to be set at my feet once home so I could go through it and recall what we had and then I handed things to them to put away. I was playing. I was molesting the food. SICK. First time out (in this NEW not addicted to food condition)....to grocery shop for 4 kids..like every month.... Went to my beloved WALMART supercenter I cruised in scooter.....feeling weird, different, not focused.. Now: Here I am feeling weird....then I feel silly and giggling and funny..(not me at all) All i care about is getting my Soup and juice and getting 'whatever' for the kids and out.. This massive thing has now become "whatever" I think "so what if the kids run out of this or that or something is missing or the cheese is gone before the tortillas or the food is gone too soon...they'll cope. (before I saw it as a sin) I didnt find all the kids special things. sweet and sour, jerkey and circus animals.. THIS was how I showed my LOVE??!!! Horrifying.....Just last month this was so important to me! I struggled witht this cuz it seems selfish and not the ways of a loving/ providing parent.. I know MY kids who love food and eat it all, all day long, what and when they want, and cant imagine them going without such a luxery. So how Can I feel so lax?? Simply... I no longer obsess over food... including theirs! WOW A:SP budgeting was my life with food and others... NOW. I didnt care if i wasted money on food.. the "deals" were suddenly no biggie either My weird and silly feelings came from the place a crazy food engorged mountain of a side show freak circus..(walmart) It seemed silly Deals and bins and this and that and food all over and its all so big and bright and stacked and packed and all around you.. scary and silly and Sooooooo NOT where I felt like I belonged. Not anymore.... I guess, I cant help how it now felt.. Its just not me... The next month: What was fun and exciting and a big event to me... is now a chore.. thank god the highlight of my week isnt grocery shopping! I send my kids with a list.. To a small grocery chain (like safeway) The add comes every week in the mail and I choose from whats on sale cuz we DO need to budget of course.... But crusing the food just not something I want to do. My cuppords dont runith over, my fride is never full and we all eat fine.. MY KIDS have not complained, its as if they dont evren notice witch leads me to beleive all the foods I thought they depended on were all in MY head, I share cuz its interesting to me...... this is what happens when food addiction dissappears neat huh loves

My licence still says 300 (been to 415) wore girdles and push up bras and snuck them off during a date hide food debris when people knock

yes they are bad,, i know it ib am trying to be better Oct.25 12 almonds 4 ouces lemonaide 1 cup chicken fajita corn chowder 12 ounces 1% milk 6oz. chocolate milk 4 bites ham and cheese sandwitch pumpkin ice cream... 1 1/2C plus about 6 oz. milk 15 almonds 10 ounces Tiki Punch

Oct. 11 6:30am .....!/2 Cup tomaote soup made with milk, 6oz 1%. Milk (I didint sleep so I wasnt tight) 8:15....2 Cup Tom soup, 6 OZ. Milk 1% 10:30...16oz, pineapple foam drink (here I take a nap..and awake tight) 3:15....5 bites tomatoe soup 5pm....1 can tomatoe soup, 12 oz milk, 10-15 cheeto's 8:13....I can chunky split pea and ham soup. 25 reduced fat cheese nips, 36 oz. milk Oct. 12 2 oz. OJ lite 1C tomatoe soup, 1 oz cheese, 1tsp parm, 12 oz. milk 2 reduced fat cheese its 1/2 KFC mashed potatoes and gravy, 12 oz. milk 6 oz. lite grape juice (I may of missed a few things this day) oct. 13 (tight cuz of menstral) 2 black jelly candies whole can tomatoe soup 20 cheese its 10 oz. lite grape juice 15 cheetos oct. 14 (tight cuz of menstral) 12 oz milk 1 cup tomatoe soup 4 ginger snaps 10 cheese its (gummed up in my throat) oct 15-Oct.17 milk, lite grape juice, tomatoe soup three fish sticks, 4tbs tarter sauce 2 slices small frozen combo pizza (tighter than usual) bite of sandwitch bite of buretto (spit out tortilla) about 50 almonds 6 cups thick egg nog 4 ounces cheese 2 cups lite lime sherbert (I didnt keep track these days.. I am just listing some things I recall..new things) oct. 18 12 oz. grape juice 4 ounces egg nog 2 ounces orage juice 5 rolls smarties candies 22 ounce rice milk

So.. this is hard.. I am not talking to anyone else about this yet.. I will just make a list of the tings that took place all the time in my home that had to do with food and me and my kids....... NOW it seems so horrible and not something I was capible of....I cannot imagine what an outsider would think. (me and my kids are close.. they love me to death...we are a very special family who have always prided ourselves on and committed our lives to being good, always alittle bit better morally and decent and smart and responsible etc,,, than most around us. We are far from being that great.. its not that hard to be better than people.. they really do have so many defects,....) Also... i am known as a fairly strong and capible person who knows how to get things done...(minus physically) and handles things..I 'handle' things for many households.. .. I have been constantly praised for this by so many people that It must be true. I guess i am saying all this because what I am ready to describe is soooo bad. It really really shows the food obsession and its power... cuz I am not anything like this is any other part of my life.... I am stalling.. god, the more I think about it, the more I cant believe that was our life just a few months ago. Ok get me a cup of milk please, theres no milk? of course not. no ones thnks of anything but me, go get milk, I dont care if its raining, this milk is warm, get me ice, thers no ice, how many times do i have to beg for you to keep the ice tray full, i cant drink it warm, put the cup in the freezer, go get my cup from the freezer, bring me the chocolate, i want to do it myself, bring me a sppon, i like to mix it my self, here wait..put it away. gimmie the gallion, just the gallon, can you please hurry, this cup is dirty, maybe you dont care to eat dirt but it makes me sick, you bought the wrong kind, I told you the old fashioned kind, i never get what i want, if you listened you would of got it righ, but you dont liten cuz you dont care, i cant even enjoy this small thing after all i give to you, (I cried when I was brought the wrong food, I threw it acros the room sometimes, I went to my room to go to bed, I saw it as a personal attack and accised them of being heartless) go back, your the one who got it wrong, well that was a waste of money, return it for the right thing, i semd you to get me a juice and because the one I asked for wasnt there, you think I would rather have NOIhing at all?? you think I want you showing up with nothing, I feel like I am goona faint and you have nothing. everytime I go there they have it, I cant beleive they dont have it, I bet you just didnt look hard enough, did you ask, I have told you a million times I hate that flavor, run in and tell me every flavor they have, heres a list, this is second choice and third, they stopped selling those.. get me a fork, i need salt, you forgot ketsup, I need mayo, mustard and ketsup, bring me the bottles, I want to put as much as I want, I want a spoon i will not eat this with a fork, its cold in the middle try again, its not crispy enough put it back in the oven, you know i hate these overcoooked, Please dont pour my milk on my cerial until the last second you bring it to me, heat this up, dont let me forget thats in the fridge, I dont want it to go to waste, you overcooked the noodles and its nasty, i know its in there, look again, its a smmall jar, the fridge is only so big I mean how hard can it be, i swear to god if its found later you are in trouble, its impossible that the sour cream is gone, are you kidding, no way, pigs, you eat everything before I have the chance at it, you know I dont eat that, I want the middle, I cant even describe it all.. I just know that now.... They get me my food ... but I am not worried about every detail... Like if I want parm in my soup.. I just say sprinkle some in. I used to make them bring me the bag and a spoon and have to put in the amount I wanted. If they boil the soup over and cause a film... I dont even flinch.. I used to freak out and make them fix it and ... Also if I asked for classic and I get creamy, I just eat it, no biggie.. Before I woudl go crazy over not getting what I asked for. If they get me some sherbert, i will take it as is... I used to be so picky.. oh thats too much, thats too little.. LIKE A DAB more or less mattered. If something is spilled or left out for a cat to get to.. I just say "its ok.. just pick it up" I used to act like it was the worst thing they could of done.. I would be like "great, great job, I cant beleive yiou, GOD, so stupid, wasted, all for nothing" To the smallet things. I am disturbed by this...i could go on forever.. I will HAVE to forgive myself... obviously I was out of my mind.

THIS IS WHEN IT HIT ME: My band was tight all day and mashed potatoes adn sherbert was as solid as I could handle but not till like 5 pm... I sipped juice and ate soup in the afternoon... I just ate as much as my band allowed me to.. But by 9 pm or midnight (depending on my sleeping pattern) I was so open.... That I could gulp milk and juice, eat sherbert or soup or mash potatoes till I was FULL like normal (not pouch full) and never feel the restrcion feeling I felt all day. I took advantage of the milk and juice and sometimes drank 60 ounces of milk... or juice. I found out I could eat Cookies and chips and toast. I never felt restriction. So here I was eating 10 cookies and a grab bag of cheetos each night... I coulnt eat solids... well I didnt really try, I was affraid.. i was able to have some corn and chicken in soup....but if anything didnt chew till it was gone. I spit it out. I was reminded of what food addiction felt like and how I couldnt control it. I knew I was consuming enough calories at night to hinder weight loss, yet I couldnt lay off the cheetos and cookies and night after night I had sworn I would just eat a meal and a couple cookies.. But I just ate and ate until I was stuffed. Then I realized how different I was.. I had been the same for 15 years or so...Whenever I couldnt have the food I wanted (cuz of a diet) I would go crazy, I had to resist and well you guys must know what that feels like.. IT SUCKS. And now I suddenly dont care? and hadent even noticed? I have been obsessed with this little impossible fact ever since. It was obvious that I would eat as much as my band would allow, and the kinds of food it would allow... I began to think of fast food and pizza and wonder WHAT IN THE HELL WAS MY PROBLEM... How had I not noticed these things? So facinated.. I made a list of what my eating habits were....before the fill.. It took some time to really remember everything but I ended up coming up with a really good account of how it was on a daily basis and the same every month.... and had been for a long time. INSERT THAT LIST FROM POST ONE HERE. I was discusted and shocked at what I saw. I had made the list to show how obsessed I was with food and how much I wasnt eating any more and yet I wasnt obsessed any more. I thought it would be really neat. It wasnt neat. It was mortifying, It made me feel ashamed and ignorant and stupid and unable to find any excuse or remotely acceptable reason why I had lived like that and MY KIDS HAD BEEN involved in all of it. I wanted to share the list with the kids (13,14,17,18) and show them how different our lives were just two moths ago...and havent they noticed that we never have fast food or go to a resturant and did it bother them or did they miss it...? I talk to my kids about everything.. and I was too ashamed... And just now I have thought of something else.. Dang it.. Its big.. and its horrible and its just now dawned on me and thats what i will write about next.. even though I am no where close to explaining why I think I can take the credit for my sudden lack of obsession for food.. I havent even started that theory yet.. My fingers are bleeding lol

Well after a few weeks........ I was still on soup and juice and milk and began to realize I may need an unfill. This was a huge stressor for me.....just thinking about making a phone call, driving, walking to the office, back out and driving home...overwhelmed me. I didnt want to go... I was all paniced.. ?? My kids were like "get the unfill so you can eat" SIMPLE. (usually) It wasnt that simple because: Thing was I hadnt been able to take my pain pills all this time. I usually took about 4 viccidan a day (the crushed pills were too much to swallow along with the amount of juice needed to get it all out of your mouth... and 60 miligrams of MSContin (not to be crushed) I had a morphine patch.. but for some reason my doctor thinks a 25 miligram morphine patch is enough to replace 60 miligrans of it and vicidans too.. I felt like crap.. Not until this prospect of going to the fill came up I hadnt realized how crippled up i was. I didnt realize it cuz I had began living in a camper at the same time.. I slept on the couch and everything was two feet away. I alos stopped driving cuz loss of insurence, so I wasnt running erronds either. My daughter was doing all my duties. (we had a crisis..long story) Now had I still been in my house... I would have noticed it and been bed ridden by now. So when the kidds said "just go, so you can eat" I didnt give a crap about eating!!!... I was worried about the pain and suffering and exhaustion and UGH So this makes perfect sense because there was one and only thing that could keep me from food and that was pain. It was always true that I rather starve all day long than get up and get my own food... if it was going to cause extra pain. I often waited till noon in bed, until the kids woke up and I would immediately say "get my juice!!!' The kitchen wasnt far... I would be parched, I would wait and wait and hope someone got up soon and crave it... BUT I WOULDNT GET UP AND GET IT. Many times I didnt eat anything till 5 pm, 9pm... cuz I was in bed or the reclyner on the computer and no one was around and I was in too much pain to climb down and up my stairs to get food, or even into my kitchen and readh for something and grab a drink. Its NOT that I didnt care about food when I was in pain... Its that I wouldnt physically obtain my own food. So thats not a factor I had these intense crippling moments like 2 or 3 times a month or for a week strainght.. But when I was hurting... NOT even food could move me. So... that explains why I was sipping my soup and not caring about food cuz I rather sip the soup and never eat again than suffer the pain of the trip. My plan was to tell my doctor to medicate me real well, I had stuff to do.. I put it off and put it off..... and during that time I learned alot about my band and what it could tolerate and when and what it's signals were and such. BUT.... I am not completely convinced... I could of been whining "I am too bent to make the trip but I want some FOOD.. wah wah.. poor poor me" If your wondering if my recent move and hardship and lack of driving to be temped by all the foods was something that distracted me from food.. NO WAY.. Those things never had any impact on my obsession for food. At this time I hadnt even realized that I wasnt craving and crying about the lack of food.. prolly all the stress i was under and fact that I wasnt driving around and my life was totally different now than in our home and I didnt notice my obsession over food was not rearing its ugly head.

So this is typing as I am thinking... and sure to be rambly. Sorry its full of typos and hard to read.. I dont have the energy to fix it all up before I submit it.. (this is why all my posts will suck.. they are just too long and exhausting enough to write, not impotant enough to edit..) I looked at the facts first. First few days: I got the fill and it was real tight and I was real happy that day... But I got alitte blue too once home. I was really really in it now, no more freedom, struggles ahead, fear. The reality that I failed a 20 yr batttle to loose the weight (on my own)....and the hope that sustained me was now gone. I felt like a pathetic loser who had to have a band and wished I coulda done it on my own.. I was just having some moments that come with change... Moping about how I came to be this way at all and stuff.... I sat in the house and when i drank some juice or had some soup and felt lots of resriction.. When i had to stop with out having had much at all.. I felt like I deserved it and didnt have the right to complain.. I was 'taking my medicine' It was common for me in life that when ever I felt sickenly guilty about something, I wouldnt eat. food was too good for me. It only lasted a day when the initial shock wore off.. Ok.. So this little mood only lasted a couple days.... and can explains why I wasnt upset over being hungry or feeling I needed lots of juice to comfort me. First couple weeks Then I was back to my self... excited and so happy to have been finally filled and having restricion and getting this band thing going.... I was very tight... and it was exciting to feel the proof that I really had his this thing that was gonna help me lose weight! When i couldnt get much down, it made me giddy and excited thinking about my new lease on life.. I actually lived on hot cocoa from seven eleven for a whole week.. three a day...it was all I could get down... but i got the worst diareha and realized I was being stupid. I began tomatoe soup instead. I love tomatoe soup. So.. this initial honeymoon period with my band can explain why I wasnt freaking out over food yet. I was able to diet for a week or two... before i freaked out.. So this also could explain why I was fine with the lack of food.. I wasnt at that point yet.

I want to thank posters here for telling me to give my self some credit. That sparked my ability to start thinking that maybe i did deserve the credit, and wasnt able to see what I had done yet.. like in denial? So I began to wonder what could of happened subconscously ... I mean I cant keep thinking some magic, out of this world thing happened to me and cant be explained. And as I was tying I was just coming up with so much stuff..... new thoughts..... and I am not done.... I came to make a new post and finish it in a minute.. I dont even know where I am gonna end up... But I cant wait to find out.. (funny thing... wont mean I am right..)