NewSetOfCurves

My libido is through the roof since having surgery. It is, without a doubt, the highest it has ever been in my life. A juicy, throbbing beast of arousal. It's like I have a whole new set of nerve endings and with the slightest whiff of sexuality they are firing on all pistons. I haven't even lost that much weight; the weight I'm at now is one I've been at many times in my life, with unspectacular effects on my sex drive.
 
But everything has changed. I understand the appeal of David Guetta songs. I understand why people risk going to jail for public indecency. I understand why women look forward to doing laundry so much. I even think I may be beginning to understand how it feels to be a man. Make that a teenage boy. Let me put it this way, I don't think I'll need to continue the 30 Day Abs Challenge to see results by next week.
 
I have a theory for this: For the first time in my life, the prospect of a toned, sexy body is real. Guaranteed, in fact, as long as I don't push my sleeve. I think my libido went to sleep years ago when it realized it wasn't going to be put to use anytime soon, and now it has awoken like a bear jolted out of hibernation by jumper cables.
 
And how the hell is it that men KNOW when you're feeling like this? Walking my dog today, literally every man I passed turned his head. Two guys even slowed their cars waaaaaaaaayyyy down as they were passing by and watched me. I was wearing sweatpants, slurping on a protein shake, and carrying a bag of $h!t - not exactly exuding an air of....well, what I'd just done in the shower.
 
If you can relate, I would love to hear from you. Especially if you're single like me. How did/do you keep yourself under control? I feel like I'm on the verge of doing something stupid. As a teacher in a small town, something tells me if I were caught in a park humping the statues people wouldn't want me around their children anymore.

I started this journey in October 2012 and now its June 2013 and I am down 100 lbs.... It wasn't easy either I have made a lot of mistakes somewhere daily but I kept my focus worked out, even when I made bad choices I didn't let them affect me the rest of the day like I have done in the past. I have done weight watchers, counting calories and nutri system and have never lost much or stuck to something so hard. At first I felt like this was wrong because I was dropping weight fast and that I couldn't do it on my own before. Well I couldn't do it on my own I needed help and I found it and I will never look back on those 100 lbs or bring them with me to future. This is the best choice that I have ever made and I would do again if I had too... This has changed my life and I can’t wait to lose the next 75 lbs! :wub:

So this is my first blog ever.
I am blogging like most to keep a journal of my journey and maybe help someone along the way but I am sure I will need alot of that myself. Like most people here I have always been above average in the weight department. I ALWAYS needed to lose 10 vanity lbs in high school. Then when I hit my 20's the weight crept up. I always hated my body! I developed at an early age and look like a grown woman when I was 13. I had the boobs butt hips. Looking back I realized that this is when my problems with food began. It was my comfort. So I got married at 24 and got pregnant a year later. As soon as I saw that postive test it was my ticket to eat whatever I wanted for 9 months. For the first time since I could remember I was not feeling guilty for eating. I packed a whopping 90lbs. on. I was out of control! I had my beautiful baby and then realized I was huge and my body was forever ruined! I exercerised ate low fat low carb and lost 50lbs. Go me! Then life happened and things got stressful and I gained/lost it back, had another beautiful baby, over the next 6 years. I have been on every diet weight watchers atkins all the crazy fads only to go right back to where I started. That yoyoing can really play games on your emotions! So here I am I have 2 beautiful kids, a husband who loves me no matter what, and I am fat and I love myself least of all. I can give all the excuses like I am too busy or this happened and that happened but it all boils down to I put myself last on my list and now I have got to the point that I need help to get me back. The main reason I am doing this surgery is my health. I have a strong family history of early heart disease and type 2 diabetes. I have high total cholesterol high trigs and borderline high insulin levels. I am headed up the same hill many other overweight family members have taken. All of them are in poor health in their 40s and 50s or didn't make much past 50. I cannot end up like them and slowly kill myself. I have lived with my mother for 6 years suffering from heart failure and I know my days are numbered with her. She is only 52 and has given up hope. She has accepted that this is her fate. I can't let me children go through what I am going through with her. I know none of us are promised tomorrow but all my mom's serious health problem are directly related to her poor lifestyle choices. So while I need to get my head right and my emotions in check before surgery I am so glad I have made the choice to have WLS and hopefully be a happy healthy mother and wife for many many many years to come.

"It ain't over till the fat lady sings"
 
So, I think I'll write a song about this struggle and drama and love/hate relationship with food and my experiences with being obese....errr, I'm FAT...then I'll sing it and it'll be OVER. Ha ha ha... well, maybe not.
 
Maybe I'll change the saying to "It ain't over till the fat lady sleeves!"
 
There are so many things I can't do, or choose not to do because of my weight. It's like a prison in ways (weighs)..and self-imposed sometimes, other times because of things I can't control.
 
Some things are just literally impossible to do. Like running, fitting into a roller coaster seat, etc. Other things I won't do because it embarrasses me to do it or I'm afraid of being judged (wearing shorts, having my picture taken) Silly and sad and vain at times, but true.
 
Singing is one of those things in my life that people say I should do more of. Why don't I?
 
It's because of my weight. I absolutely LOVE to sing, and I believe I'm pretty good at it. My husband even bought me a guitar last Christmas and I attempted to learn to play it three or four times till it made me cry trying to hold it and play it with nearly no lap and a belly that looks like I'm about 7 months pregnant. Then, of course, I feel guilty because it looks like I didn't totally adore him for buying it for me - he loves me to sing.
 
Of course, being overweight doesn't prevent me from singing, physically speaking, other than I seem to have more limits on my lung capacity. There is, however, the lack of energy, and being depressed about being unable to lose weight without WLS and be healthy and realizing how it affects my family and my goals and our future... all add up to mean I don't feel much like singing these days. I admit the way I look affects my self acceptance and esteem. What's there to sing about? Yeah, and the occasional pity party.
 
So, WLS is my "swan song"...lol. I'm gonna be the fat lady singing that my losing battle with FAT is OVER. I'm gonna use this WLS tool to kick the BUTT of obesity in my life!
 
And, this got me to thinking about all those "little things" and "big things" I will be so very happy to do again, or things that will be different (in a good way), whether it's because of the physical limits, or because I choose not to because of my weight and size and my feelings of guilt and frustration for not keeping myself healthy and fit.
 
So, the parts of my life or things that will change or improve when I am at my healthy goal weight --- (from 295 to 150-ish)
 
Energy - Hugs - Clothing - Shoes - Less pain - Marriage - Travel - Sleep - Pictures - Singing - Swelling - Exercise - Activities - Social life - Family get-togethers - Summertime - well, here's some detail...in no particular order and by no means complete:
 
1. I can walk into a "normal people" department store and find a cute dress that fits me. How happy I will feel... because I will always remember what it was like before, at 300 lbs....
 
(No more crying in the dressing room, I have to get a bigger size? good grief, how hard it is to
move around just to change clothes because I'm sweating and it's a small space and the mirror
is mean to me.)
 
2. I can wear cute shoes. I can wear strappy sandals. I can wear heels. I can put shoes on without holding my breath.
 
(No more "supportive" shoes for plantar faciitis-hopefully, so no more heel pain and knee pain,
hip pain that presently prevent the heels and cute shoes I want to wear)
 
3. I can sleep.. fall asleep for a nap anywhere... spend the night anywhere. Sleep will be good.
 
(No more CPAP needed. Sleep Apnea cured.)
 
4. Climb stairs, walk fast, walk all day shopping
 
(No more getting totally out of breath to the point I black out or wheezing like I am dying)
 
5. Fit in things/seats.... - be it plane, train, roller coaster... or restaurant booth, movie theater, desk chair, swing, stadium seat.
 
(No more fear of breaking a chair, not fitting and being told I'm too heavy, no more pain in chairs
that are not big enough for me, no fear of the terribly judgmental looks from passengers on a
plane or train as they see me get on - hoping I'm not sitting next to them...uugghh)
 
6. ENERGY ... Oh my, that one applies to so many areas - or every area of life.
 
7. Sex ... I'll leave the details unsaid - but this is a priority. It's gonna be better than my present weight allows it to be.
 
8. Mom & Grandmother things - My grown children are close to marrying age and in serious relationships which means upcoming weddings and not too many years till they'll be having kids, too. The thought of being healthy, energetic and active for the future is great motivation here too.
 
9. Long life - My husband and I have been married three years this July. It's not our first go-around, and we have a LOT of things to enjoy as we grow together and we want a long, enjoyable future - not one filled with pain, health problems and limitations.
 
10. I'll SING - I have committed to pursue this talent in a way that will be personally fulfilling and hopefully inspirational. It's not that I can't sing now, while I'm overweight... but I feel as though losing my excess weight will be like a curtain lifting to reveal the "me" I've been all along, but finally I admitted needing help to find again.
 
So many more... but for now, that's what I'll remind myself of today. This is why the surgery will be worth it. The pain, the challenge, the new habits, the struggles, the day to day choices, the realization and commitment to the lifestyle changes, and the milestones that may come slowly.
 
 
Flutterby (it's gotta be what butterflies were really called first... there it goes, fluttering by) and I'm coming out of this cocoon too... soon!

How long has it been? How long since I felt like I was the right size and weight and everything about my body was acceptable?
 
And, bigger question... Where did this bloated, waddling, unhealthy, wide loaded woman come from that keeps showing up in my mirror and in pictures that get taken with my family?
 
Looking in the mirror is so hard, especially in the evenings when I'm getting ready for bed and seeing "all my glory" and realizing I really am as big and ugly fat and tired looking as I feel. Arrrrggghhh!
 
Is that really me? How did I let myself get to this point? I sit in a dressing room, my cute little teenage daughter (13) trying on adorable trendy little outfits and dresses. I see her spin and pose as she gets in a pink princess thing. She walks back in to try another one on. I'm sitting on a bench holding several hangers of other dresses and feeling tired, again. I look over at the mirror and see myself and I lose it. I cry and almost start sobbing right then and there. It hurts so bad. I used to look like her and I thought I was fat. Is that what doomed me to this? Was it because I didn't thank God for how I looked then? Did I take it for granted?
 
 
Honestly, I have thought I was fat from eighth grade (5'7", 130 lbs) when I began to get taller and a little wider in the hips than my little petite and pretty and girly classmates. That's the same age as my youngest daughter. I already hear occasional little comments she makes of herself and things that are not just perfect. I want to make her see how beautiful she is and embrace it!
 
When I look back at pictures from that time in my life (high school years), I wanna go back and slap her (myself) silly for not appreciating how pretty I was. I really had such an adorable figure. No, I didn't have much in the way of boobs, but I had curves in other "right places." I got attention from boys. I looked great and was tall and thin really, until I had my second child at 22.
 
In all truth, I know a lot of the explanations and reasons that I am in this place physically. I know there are a variety of things to blame from four pregnancies, perhaps a few medical causes, nutritionally bad choices, laziness, pain, bad marriage, stress, genetics, environment, and probably a few I haven't read about or dealt with yet.
 
Now in the last three years I come to the point where I have these little break downs like in the dressing rooms multiple times, or getting ready for a night out or to go to church and just sit in my closet and cry and hate myself. I've done it getting out of bed (rather, heaving myself out). Mentally being in a state of fury at my limitations that I know are self-imposed when I try to help my daughter move out of her college apartment and I can't even carry a 15 pound box down a flight of stairs without having to rest 10 minutes and huff and puff like I ran a mile.
 
This place is my "low point"... my "end of the rope". I'm at the bottom and exhausted enough to finally admit I need MAJOR HELP. And THAT is what brought me to WLS and specifically VSG.
 
There is a change in my focus that has helped me transition slowly, day by day from disgust with where I let my weight go and my new found hope and belief in myself I have begun to feed little by little with that hope. I can do this... I can do this... I really can be healthy and fit again. There is a tool I can use that I never really considered. Thanks to where I am in my life, the fact that we have good insurance through my husband's job and the support and encouragement he has showered on me constantly... I'm ready.
 
I'm feeling that by this time next year, I'll be looking in mirrors and pictures and saying "WOW, I knew that pretty girl was still in there somewhere under all the fat."

Day 6 - Monday, April. 22nd. The weight "falling off" has slowed down. I'm seeing my weight fluctuate back and forth about 2 lbs throughout the day. Typical. My lowest weight daily will be early morning before I have any intake. I think the 3 lbs that fell off in 10 hours a couple of days earlier was a fluke (with my scales). Today, that 3 lbs is definitely gone. I awoke groggy from the pain pill I took Sunday night. I felt buzzed most of the day. I hate that feeling. No more pain pills for the sake of sleep. I used my 4-lb hand-held weights for arm and shoulder exercises/ strengthening. Even five minutes of it while sitting on the sofa is better than nothing. I ate SF Butterscotch pudding for breakfast (made with Double-Milk). The Fruit 2-O peach water has become one of my favorite drinks. So is Snapple Peach tea. I need to make a pitcher of decaf tea sweetened with Stevia. The only ready-to-drink tea I have here has caffeine in it. And, I think it is playing a part in my restlessness at night.
 
I don't think I drank enough, so I am going to log the volume now. I haven't been journaling my intake. Bad girl. Adding protein grams in my head really isn't accurate enough. Ethyl thinks so, too. (Ethyl is the name I gave my body, since I am listening to her more than ever. I'm learning she has a lot to say. Don't worry... I won't end up with a split personality from this.)
 
I came up with a great idea last night. I'm looking forward to testing it on the regular diet stage. When I crave a crunchy snack, I'll pour a little Special-K High Protein flakes into a little bowl and eat them. Dry. They taste really good. The protein is needed anyway. And, if I mince them up really good, I'm hoping Ethyl will like them, too! It satisfies the psychological desire to crunch something.
 
Showering and washing/drying/styling my hair exhausted me. I had to rest for an hour to regain my strength. My protein drink helped pick me up again. Mid-afternoon, I decided to push myself to walk. The more I move, the quicker I can flush out the toxins from anesthesia and those pain pills. So, off we went, the dog and me. Two blocks to the local park. Upon arrival, I sat and rested. I was tired! No! Just two blocks? Before surgery, I'd walk to this park and do 5-8 laps on the jogging path (power walking - not jogging). I hadn't even started the first lap and I had to rest? Okay. Ten minutes later, we were walking the lap. (One lap = 3/8 of a mile.). I had to sit and rest halfway through the lap. Ten minutes later, we resumed. And, this was no power walk. It was a nice leisurely stroll. I'm pacing myself. When the 1st (and last) lap was completed, I had to sit and rest again for 10 minutes. Trying to get enough strength to walk the 2 blocks home... Tempted to call my husband and ask him to come get me. No shame in that. I still made progress! But, I'm determined to finish what I started. So, I finally returned home. An hour had passed and I had walked less than a mile. Ha ha ha! That's ok! This is Baby Steps. I don't expect Ethyl to be able to break my walking record before April 17th. This is a new life. New beginnings. I'm doing just fine.
 
Still no nap. I should be taking advantage of this time and sleeping more. After two months camped out with my sister in ICU (Jan-Mar), I am still sleep deprived. Hard to turn off my thoughts. I'll work on a good nap tomorrow.
 
This forum has been so helpful and filled with great advice and tips. Someone told me the burnin' in my sternum was probably tomato soup. Of course! I hadn't considered that! Thank you for the good advice! And, I find I can share my story of my battle with my insurance company to help others, too. That makes me feel good to know I can give back. So, I changed my Display Name here from PBCNasher to SqueakyWheel&Ethyl. We are one and the same, you know.