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NeverBeTheSameAgain

Gastric Sleeve Patients

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Blog Entries posted by NeverBeTheSameAgain

  1. MY 521lb LIFE

    · NeverBeTheSameAgain · 05/22/2013 18:19

    Where do I begin? I have always been on the heavy side, even as a kid. When I was in grade school all the way 2 college I found out just how cruel ppl can be. I was always the pretty fat girl & that bothered me, so I transformed myself into sombdy I wasn't. I would tell jokes about myself b4 anybody got the chance 2 & I was mean/confrontational. Ppl were scared 2 say something about me & if they did they didnt say it so I could here it or else! They had no idea that I really would cry if they tlked 2 loud 2 me but I didnt care..I was good at it. At graduation, which is supposed 2 be the happiest time of ur life, when I walked across the stage this boy said "now thats a big girl"..I died inside but I slapped the hell outta him infornt of EVERYBODY even his guest at the ceremony. Time went on & I met a guy, we begin 2 date while I was in college & I was SO in love with him because he gave me the attention I NEVER had. I started slacking in school & 1 day while I was home for the weekend, I told my cousin that I had missed my cycle, so we went 2 buy a test & the results were positive...omg, I thought my mother was going 2 kill me. Clearly she didnt because I'm typing this blog...lol but during that pregnancy I gained 80lbs, they labeled me as high risk & I had to have a c-section. While I was being preped the doctor told me u dont need 2 have any more kids because you are too big. Who the hell tells sombdy that while they're about 2 have a baby? I felt so bad, like I didnt deserve 2 have my baby but anyway 1/24/03 at 11:36 am, I had a healthy baby boy. Ok, so now I'm home from the hosp & my kids dad, is staying out all night & sleeping all day...so I had 2 do everything on my own, with a wound from the c-section. Time went on & then I dropped out of school because I couldnt depend on his father 2 work because he was still doing the same old stuff...but I realize that the more he did nothing the more I ate. When my son turned 11 months stupidly I married his dad. The 2nd week in our own place, I realized that he was starting 2 act strange so lke every women, I began 2 investigate him lol. Weeks went by & we got our 1st phone bill and I seen a # on it i didnt recognize, so I called it...a woman answer & said "hey baby", I said "excuse me" & she hung up..so now I knew it was something going on. I confronted him & he said it was nothing & I was crazy. I could remember going in2 the kitchen cooking a BIG dinner, he thought I was trying 2 poison him but I just wanted 2 eat something. I was out of control of the things going on around me but the 1 thing that I COULD control was what I ate. Over the next several years, it was woman after woman & because " I LOVED HIM" I stayed with him & I just ate & ate. One year, we had moved in2 a new place & he got a job doing security, he loved it! I was so happy because he wasnt working the entire marriage, my family & I were pulling the load. Well one night he got up & left for work...dressed, he had a lunch & was goin 2 be on time. Well around 9 oclock, I called him & there was no answer...so I waited a while & called again, still no answer..so I went 2 sleep. When he got home the next morning I asked him what happened & he said he was tired & went to bed. I looked thru his phone & saw he was txting a girl that he apparently just met because it was begining stuff, so I wake him up, confronted him & he said "Im a grown man I do what I want 2". I started crying & left the room only 2 go make me & my baby a BIG bowl of ice cream, so I could try 2 make myself feel better. A few months went by, he lost his job becuase he stopped going, & he was dropping me off at work every morning and taking the baby 2 school, so I thought things were getting better...until I get a private phone call from a girl named Keisha. She asked me who I was because my name was in her man's phone. TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. I hope this will be the last part...lol
    Me: Really, u cant know who this is. Him: Yes, I do I dont giving my # 2 all kinds of women Me: Y me? Him: I dont kno, I was just lead 2. Me: um hum, game Him: no, seriously..I was walking by & I saw u, I thought she's beautiful but u looked so sad & I said 2 myself I would really like 2 make her day, so I did. Me: yea ok. So we talked for what seemed like hrs. Time flew by & it was time 2 go get my son, so I packed up my baby, got in the truck, picked up my son all while on the phone with HIM. I couldnt believe that I was talking 2 another man but his accent intrigued me & I just wanted 2 know more & more. Well, once I got home Josh was sitting on the couch in his usual spot, he asked me where I had been all day..I told him at my mom's & he said so u just dont give a damn if I dont have a way 2 get around or nothing 2 eat? I said no its not like that but in my head I was think hell no I dont care, I had reached my boiling point with him. We started a routine, as soon as I got in the house with the kids he would grab the keys from me & be gone until 2-3 in the morning, in my heart I knew we were done. While he was doing his dirt as he had been for 7yrs, I was developing a friendship with the "kroger's dude"...lol It wasnt about anything but convo, we would talk about my marriage, our kids, his baby moma & just life period. He was awesome, he was actually concerned about me & who I was, he would tell me if I ever needed 2 tlk I could call him, he would tell me how unhealthy my situation was..he never judged me for sticking around so long...he was my friend. One night, Josh called me & said that he wasnt coming home until the next day because of whatever reason he was giving, I was like ok um hum thats fine..I didnt put up a fight & ask 1000 ?'s like I normally would. My focus was changing. He said, whats wrong with u & I said nothing just used 2 ur lies & drama. He said, whatever bye. So after we hung up, I called HIM & he asked how I was doing, the usual stuff & this time I told him exactly how I felt, my marriage was over & I deserve better for me & my boys ect. He said, yea u do but u have 2 make sure that this is wht u want & ur not acting off of anger, I said, Im done. Josh came home the next morning, i grabbed the keys & left with the boys, dropped me oldest at school & this time I went 2 visit HIM. When I got there, I sat in the car for what seemed like hrs before I called 2 tell him I was outside, because I went back & forth in my head about, Im doing the same thing Josh done 2 me & so what he gets what he deserves. Finally, I called HIM & told him I was there, he came outside..we tlked for hrs, I had the baby with me & he asked could he hold him, I said yes & my baby was content in his arms. It was weird but he was. On the way 2 my son's school, I felt bad like I was taking it 2 far, Josh is my husband, what about my kids, everything was going thru my head. Once, I got home as usual Josh was out the door but he said, " I know u tlking 2 another man but u not bold enough 2 do nothing else." I looked at him & all that doubt/fear in my head went away & I was sure about my next move. The next morning Josh came home, I left & once again I went 2 see HIM...that also became apart of the routine before I knew it, we had spent a whole 30 days 2gether & it was wonderful. One saturday I came home, I handed the keys 2 Josh & he said, "im not going anywhere 2day, so lets tlk." I said, about wht? He said," the man u tlking 2" I said, I dont know what ur tlking about" He said, I see how rushed u are 2 leave every morning, how u give me the keys at night with no hesitation, how u hide ur phone now, how u smiling when u get a txt message, u in love with him?" I said, I dont know wht ur tlking about", he got up & he punched me in my stomach, he slapped me, he cursed me out, he pushed me on the floor all while the kids were right there watching, he told me 2 call him & tell him it was over or he would kill me & the boys. So because I feared what he might do, I called HIM & told him it was over & I was going 2 work it out with my husband..HE said,"Wow ok if thats what u got 2 do" then he hung up. I was crying but it was because, I felt like I was going 2 loose my best friend forever. Josh took my phone, he deleted HIS #, messages anything that came from HIM. That night I told Josh EVRYTHING, I told him that I didnt need him & he was I was worth more than what he thought, I even said, "u aint the only man that wants me"...I told him how I loved HIM..how he cared about me & didnt judge me, how he made me feel needed & wanted at the same time, how he held my hand for hrs & just listened 2 me...I know yall thinkin that was crazy because Josh was abusive but I didnt care, all those yrs that he made me feel unloved, unworthy, guilty, ugly, fat, like nobody wanted me but him, like I wasnt good enough for real love..I had 2 tell him why & I was ready for the fight that came with it...I didnt care. The rest of that night was queit, after I put the boys 2 bed & got in the bed..he came in the room & sat in a chair by the foot of the bed. I tired 2 stay awake becuase I didnt know what he was going 2 do but I couldnt & I actually slept the best I ever had in yrs...its crazy because he sat there watching me ALL night crying. Can u believe that he was crying, as if he had never done anything 2 push me 2 this, as if I hurt him, as if he was faithful all those yrs while I cheated, as if all those feeliings I felt he now feels...2 be honest with yall I hoped he felt the way I did for the past 7yrs. 3 days later, we had an eviction letter on the door..he left that morning then he called me around 11 saying he got a place...I said,"ok when can we move in"..he said, "I guess u didnt hear me, I got a place". I said, "what about the boys?" he said, "oh yall will find something soon." I know that we having problems but how could he turn his back on his son's & not care if they had a place 2 live? Although, I found out over the yrs who this man was, it still amazed me that he was done with his son's too. I called HIM as soon as Josh hung up & I explained 2 him what happened & y I called him 2 tell him it was over. He said, " u hurt me, I have feelings for u that I never felt for anybody else, I didnt kno if he hurt yall or what, I called ur phone, u didnt answer, I txted & no response, I cant believe that u hurt me"...I started 2 cry & tell him how sorry I was & that I had all of those same feelings for him, he told me 2 come see him but I couldnt go with the bruises on my arms & neck, so I said no..he told me that he needed 2 see me. So all that night I put ice on me, creams anything that would lighten up those marks..I didnt own any make up, so I couldnt use that. The next morning, I got up took my son 2 school & I went 2 see HIM. As soon as he seen me he started 2 cry which was so odd 2 me but he said, "I thought that I would never see u again, & then 2 see u with these bruises from him hurting u, & I was not there 2 protect u" then he grabbed me & hugged me, he wouldnt let go..he went 2 the back seat where the baby was & he got him out & held him so tight. This man must really love us, but I had no idea about what real love was so I didnt say anything, I didnt kno what 2 say. On March 26, 2009 I was moving out of that old apt 2 my sisters house until I could get things in order. While I was in the house, Josh came over...I didnt know he was coming, I didnt even know how he got there. He said he was coming 2 get the rest of his things, so I let him & I didnt say a word 2 him. When I was in the bathroom, getting things from under te cabinet..he came in & locked the door, he started choking me..he punched me & then he rapped me! All I could hear was my kids scratching & crying at the door..the worst part was I was on my cycle. He didnt care, when he was done he told me that I was still his wife & whenever he wanted me he could have me no matter where I'm at, then he left. I was disgusted & I didnt know what 2 do...I was confused & lost, he was crazy but I didnt know how crazy until then. I got 2 my sisters house, I moved all of my stuff in, within a few days I found a job, me & HIM were getting much closer..finally things were starting 2 look up in my life. Me & the boys were happy & safe. Josh called me one day & asked me could I help him get his lights back on because he was in the dark with no food. Keep in mind he didnt want me 2 know where he was staying, that same place he got & wouldnt let my boys come 2, I told him dont ever call me again, I know who u are & it took me a long time 2 get here but I'm here & I aint turning around. Over the next 7 months he called me EVERYDAY, asking can we fix our marriage & saying how he will never hurt me again ect. I told him no & I kept living my life. I am now in my own place, & have been for the last 4yrs...I havent broken NO lease, I am at a full time GOOD job, my lights have never been off, my kids are in a Private Christian Academy,me & HIM are 2gether, Im getting sleeved June 3rd., we are planning 2 buy a house next year...life is GOOD. Josh, has 5 kids with 4 different mothers, has a girlfriend that has miscarried 2 times, 2 babies 5 days apart by the same girl mentioned in part 3 Keisha & Keturah, he is currently cheating on his girlfriend with those same girls. He has had his clothes burned, been put in jail for assault of 1 of them, no car, no job & no contact with his kids, he doesnt call, help out NOTHING. I tlked 2 his girlfriend the other day & she stood out there while he was in jail, tlking 2 me about why he was in there BUT what stood out the most is that she defended him & said how she loved him so much & at that moment I saw what I looked like after all those yrs. & I told her I feel sorry for u...oh yea, I know u didnt read anything about a divorce but thats because for the last 4 yrs he wouldnt sign the papers because he said when he's done doing all this he is coming back 2 his family. Anyway, we will be in court getting divorced June 26th rather he shows up or not! It tookn alot 2 get 2 this point but I lived thru all of that for whatever reason & it was sad, it was hard, it hurt ect but WE MADE IT & thats all that matters. I needed 2 get this out before I started my NEW life, I didnt want 2 take this with me in the O.R. when I started this process I still carried this burden but 2day, I leave it all behind! (HIM :wub: )
    (my babies )
  3. Me: Im sorry doctor u must have the wrong # Doc: Mrs. White, 07/15/83 Me: Yes Doc: yes maam, we have ur blood test results back & u r pregnant..whn was ur last cycle Me: 1 1/2 yrs ago...pregnant the doctors told me that I would NEVER be able 2 have kids again Doc: well God didnt see it that way, u need 2 make an appointment asap so we can see how far along u are, have a good day Mrs. White & Congratulations. I hung up that phone & I thought how can I bring another baby in2 all of this drama. So I went in the room & woke Josh up, I told him wht the doctor told me & this clown jumped up & said, "Ima be a daddy, I love u & we are going 2 make this work..this is our miracle baby!" I looked at him, I was very shocked because we were not in the best place in our marriage & foolish me thinkin maybe this will fix everything, I couldnt be more wrong. Went 2 the doctor & I was already 4months. A few weeks passed & I told my mom about it & she was not excited at all because she said if ur husband loved u he would provide for yall instead of sitting at home everyday waiting on u 2 do it, now here u are pregnant again, what are you going 2 do? I got so mad with her because I was thinkin, I need ur support not ur criticism but hey thats moma so I just said yes maam & we hung up. When I turned 2 months, the doctors diagnosed me as high risk & put me on complete bed rest, so of course that meant I had 2 stop working. Josh, not working as usual said, "maybe we should just move back home with our parents." I said, "if we do we wont make it, because my mom wont let u come 2 her house so we will be seperated" that was right up his alley 2 not have 2 be with his family & able 2 do whatever he wanted 2 do. Anyway, we moved..oh & his mom lived on the next street from my mom so it wasnt like we were far apart. When Josh moved in with his mom he got a job at an emergency shelter for runaway kids, 1 of my friends got him on up there. He started workin, so he had the car all the time & I was in my mother's dinning room sleeping on the couch EVERY night while he was "working". Well 1 day my friend called me & said, "I need 2 tell u something, Josh is tlking 2 1 of the women up here, I already told her that he was married but Im just giving u the heads up." Clearly, that is 1 of the most embarrassing things 2 hear from a friend & the bad part was u would think that since MY friend got him on that he would be on his best behavior since he knew me & her tlked ALL the time...smh. He barely came around 2 my moms house 2 see me & the baby, my moms dinning room is down stairs by the kitchen, when everybody was sleep I would cook meals for myself & go right back 2 that couch & cry myself 2 sleep EVERY night. I felt like he didnt really want this baby & it was causing more problems than we already had. 1 day I had a doctors appointment & I had 2 get an EKG & heart ultrasound...the technician asked me, "Mrs. White have u ever had a heart attack?" I said, "no! why?" He said u have scars on ur heart that shows signs of a heart attack they are called infarts" I said, "I dont think so, I never went 2 the hospital with that kinda problem" He said, Mrs. White I beleive u had a heart attack & didnt know it, u are only 24 yrs old this should not be on ur heart at all." I started 2 cry because he was right, I had taken so much pain, hurt, drama, lies, & STRESS from this marriage that it was literally killing me. A few months later, my family gave me a baby shower which Josh did not show up 2 because he said my family does not like him so why would he come & be all in their faces. I told him they dont like because of those reasons right there, keep in my I NEVER told anybody in my family about the cheating & fighting that went on all this time. After the baby shower, he told me he was tired of me whinning & complaining all the time & he was done with me. Of course being 8 months pregnant I was completely emotional & I begged him 2 stay with me atleast until after the baby was born & if he wanted 2 be done after that then fine, he agreed. The doctors, called me in 2 talk about delivery they told me that it was extremely risky 2 deliver me by c-section becuase I was so over weight & that none of the doctors would try 2 save me in an emergency situation & I was like so u would just let me die? She said, "ur just too big", that hurt me so bad & again I was thinking this baby is causing so many problems. On October 22, 2008 my mother's bday..my mom, Josh & I went 2 the hosptial for the c-section...he was acting so stupid, he didnt want 2 ride with my mom, he didnt sit with us when we got there, he kept leaving 2 go outside while we waited and of course my mom was pissed. Around 10 am they took me in the back 2 be preped & Josh came with, when the nurses left the room he reminded me that after I have the baby that we were done..I started crying & I just remember this feeling of failure & defeat all the things that I excepted thru this marriage & he's the 1 saying he's done with me. I was wheeled 2 the O.R. I had another healthy baby boy, but this time since I was so heavy the epidural didnt work so they put me 2 sleep. They tried so much medicine that it took me 6 hrs 2 wake up. Once I was in the room & the baby was there my mom said, "she was going home & takin my oldest son with her", I said, "ok see u later, I'm fine"...when she left, Josh started leaving the room like every hr, now for this c-section I got cut on top of my stomach so I could barely move. The baby started crying & I couldnt even get up 2 pick him up, so he cried unitl the nurse came in or until Josh decided 2 come back in the room. The last time Josh came back, he said, "I'm about 2 go, my ride out there 2 get me & I have 2 work 2night anyway so, call ur moma 2 come back up here cuz I'm out." I said, "who coming 2 get u" he said, "thats no longer ur business, its over." I said, "but Josh" he said, "man look I dont want 2 hear all that crying its over" & he left. The next few days in the hosp was so hard because I couldnt barely move but I pushed my way thru it so I could go home. On the last day, I called my mom & told her that we were being discharged & could she come get us, she said, "yes, I'm going 2 send Josh in my truck." I wanted 2 tell her about what happened but I kept it 2 myself as usual. He walked in the room about a hr later, he grabbed all the baby stuff & the baby, told me 2 come on & at the time I was walkin bent over with a pillow in front of me because I was hurting so bad. The nurse told him 2 push me in a wheel chair & he did, he pushed me 2 the car & didnt even help me get in. On the way home, I asked him 2 please dont hit the bumps hard because it hurts my stomach & he said, "stop being dramatic"..I knew then that this BOY never loved me. When we got 2 my moms house, I had 2 go upstairs so I could be in an actual bed with the baby plus I had a serious cut the couch wasnt good enough. My mom has 16 stairs & each stair I went up felt like I was being ripped apart, I cried like a baby tryin 2 make it up there & Josh just stood behind me like it he really didnt care. I got upstairs, sat on the bed he put the baby down & he left. I cried until I was out of tears 2 cry. I remember later that day, I was upstairs with the baby...my moma, sister, aunt were all down stairs & I tried 2 lay down, I had staples at the time...& I could not lay all the way down but I couldnt get back up...I was in so much pain, I knew I was about 2 die it hurt that bad. I couldnt scream so I called Josh, who is right around the corner & I asked him 2 please come help me he said," man why u called me, u need 2 call ur moma she there" & he hung up. I called my moma & she came 2 help me but I couldnt believe that he was really doing ME like this. He came 2 see the baby every now & then, he told me that he quit that job the night he left the hosp, I asked him why didnt u come back & he said for what? A few weeks past by & he came over 2 see us & he said, "we need 2 get out of our parents house & try 2 fix our marriage & if it doesnt work this time we need 2 just let it go for real", me with my stupid self..didnt think about how we both not working, didnt think about all the things he done 2 me up until this point & I said, "ok, I will find us a place this week." smh so stupid. We moved, & things were the EXACT same. I noticed that I wasnt as involved with the new baby as I was with my other son & actually I felt kinda funny around him...I didnt want 2 hold him, feed him, change his pamper..something was wrong. One night we went 2 an anniversary party at him moms house & it was a few ppl there, 2 girls walked in that I didnt know & they were there with his moms best friend...I didnt think anything of it. Well maybe a few weeks later, I seen a strange # in his phone so I called it & sure enough it was 1 of the girls from the party. So, after all of this we are back where we started again. Upon further investigation of his phone, I found out that he was bck talkin 2 Keisha a girl named Keturah & the girl from the party. I had enough yall this was so old. One night in the truck, I was in the back seat with the baby who was then 1 month & he was crying & crying & crying...I just opened the door, got out & started walkin the other way. Josh, drove behind me & told me 2 get in the car, I said, "I cant handle this, every since that baby was born its been problem after problem" but in reality there was ALWAYS problems I just somehow laid all the blame on that poor baby. My mom made me a doctors appointment & they diagnosed me with post partum depression & said, "I didnt need 2 be alone with the baby." We went back home & my moma told Josh, he said ok but that didnt stop him, he told me, "if I did anything 2 his baby he was going 2 kill me." A few weeks passed, & I was taking my cousin around 2 find apartments..while in the parking lot of Kroger's a guy came up 2 the truck & said, "hi beautiful, get a pen" I said, "for what?" he said, "so u can take down my #" I said, "excuse me, I'm married (so stupid)" he said, "ok im sorry but let me give u my # anyway in case u change ur mind" he wrote his # down on some paper & put it on the windsheild & he said, "talk 2 u later" I rolled my eyes & I was thinkin he sure is bold...lol. When my cousin came out of the store I asked her 2 get the # after I looked around 2 make sure he was gone..lol. I figured Im not goin 2 call him but I'll just hold on 2 it. 2 weeks later, I woke up in the middle of the night because the baby was crying. I called for Josh so he could get the baby but no answer back, I got up walked past the baby crying in the crib & looked around the house, there was no Josh. I got my phone 2 call him & it was 4 am, so I called him & he didnt answer, I called that phone about 15 times & finally he answer only 2 say 1 of his friends had a blow out so he went 2 help them bullshit. Anyway, I gave the baby a bottle & he come strolling in the house at 6...I was up gettin our son ready 4 school & as soon as he feel asleep, I was out the door. That day,I was at my moms house..she told me that she was goin somewhere & she wasnt taking my baby with her & that I needed 2 get over whatever was wrong with me & be that baby's mother then she left. While I sat there, I was looking thru my purse for something & came across the Kroger's dude #, during this time the baby started crying..I just looked at him for about 5 mins..then I picked him up & he looked at me with those big brown eyes & i feel in love with my baby...whatever was wrong with me was gone in an instant. I cried & held him so tight, I told him how sorry I was & that I promise 2 be his mother from now on. I couldnt believe that I let 2 months pass by & I didnt hold this baby, whip his tears, nothing..but whoever I was before just left at that moment. I picked up my phone & I called the Kroger's dude, it rung & rung then he answered & said," hello" I said, "hi" & he said, "I knew u would call!" TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my baby

  4. MY 521LB LIFE 2

    · NeverBeTheSameAgain · 05/23/2013 18:00

    Sorry yall!
    Me: "u must have the wrong #", Keisha: "do u kno Josh?"..Me: "yes thats my husband" Keisha: ur husband, Josh cant be married, he is over here EVERY day and some nights as well. Me: (starts 2 cry) well since u didnt know YES, he is married and we have a son. Keisha: I knew about his son, he has brought him over here before Me: (complete anger) Well let me tell u this, u better not EVER call my phone again and if u continue 2 mess with my family I will find u and it wont be pretty. Keisha: I dont have 2 come for him, he keeps coming for me (hangs up). I started crying & I grabbed my baby, I held him for what seemed like hrs & of course Josh is not home. I got up, went into the kitchen to make the baby a bottle..I cooked, cried & ate! Probably 2 hrs later, here comes Josh thru the door....I didnt even know what 2 say 2 him. I put the baby 2 sleep, then I told him we need 2 talk. We sat dwn & I told him everything she told me & he said, she doesnt mean anything & he's not going 2 tlk 2 her anymore" & this bastard actually started crying...lol A few weeks went by, me & Josh were laying in bed tlkin...he said baby, the Lord called me 2 preach, I looked at him, he was crying & I said u cant be serious, he said that he is very serious & he was going 2 change his ways & he was so sorry 4 all of the things he's ever done 2 me blah blah blah. Time went on & Keisha called again 2 tell me that Josh needs 2 bring her cd's back 2 her...she said they got in a fight the day after she tlked 2 me & she hasnt seen or heard from him since. I have 2 say, I had a sense of relief but I was still so hurt. I dont think she actually wanted any cd's but she just wanted 2 know what was going on. Anyway, 1 night we were sitting in Bible study & Josh said, "I have 2 tell u something, I will tell u after church." I had that bubbly feeling in my stomach like wht is it now but it cant be bad after all he is a "preacher" now. After, church was over we got in the car & I said "whats up now?" He said, " I dont know how 2 tell u this but Keisha found me & she saying that she is pregnant! I just looked at him & I said " U know what, I hate u..I wish I had never met u, I shoulda listened 2 all of the things my moma had 2 say about u, then I wouldnt have 2 feel like this..Is she really pregnant? He said, "I dont think so but she say she is." I turned & looked out of the window as we drove all the way home & I could remember having a feelin of rage, thinkin that I should kill him but if I did my son would be left without either 1 of us. When we got home, he begged me 2 forgive him, he said he has not seen her in months nor has he tlked 2 her. I believed him BUT I told him, if she is pregnant then u didnt protect urself & therefore was not worried about my life at all, ur selfish! The rest of the week was completely quiet in the house, I didnt say anything 2 him & he didnt say nothing 2 me. On sunday, we went 2 church & I watched him sit in that pulpit like he had it all 2gether, I left out of the back with the baby & we just sat in the back of the church as I cried. I was wondering tho, why wont I leave him, whats wrong with me? After church, he came lookin for me, I told him the baby was crying so I brought him out 2 walk around for awhile. We got in the car, went home & his phone started ringing from a private #...so of course I was listening real close as I COOKED dinner, he said, "what, where, ok man give me a minute"...so I came out if the kitchen & he said, "Im going 2 the store real quick & I will be right back". I looked at him & rolled my eyes as he left, he was gone about 30 mins, when he walked thru the door...he said, "I seen Keisha at the store & she still says that she is pregnant & I dont think she is, she didnt have any papers 2 prove it." I looked at him & said , "u left out of here 2 meet her?" He said, "I had 2 know." At that moment, I felt like he needs me...while I look back I see exactly how stupid I was for just stayin there taking whatever he dished out because I never had a family so I wanted 2 keep mine 2gether..I was a fool & I fooled myself in2 thinkin that he loved me. Anyway, we moved 2 another apt. (we moved 13 times the entire marriage smh), while we were cleaning the apt we were movin from...Josh left his phone in the kitchen while he went 2 take the last load 2 the new apt. Of course I looked thru it but I was shocked because I didnt see ANYTHING outta place, until I READ the messages. He had alot of messages back & forth between him & a dude named "Kenneth"...so I read them. One message said, "I'm not about 2 run after u behind ur baby...if u want 2 be in this baby life u need 2 say that or leave me alone" another read, "come see me 2day & bring me some of that ice cream u brought monday" another read, "are you going 2 leave her or what." As I put the phone back dwn Josh comes RUNNING thru the door tlkin about he left his phone, this time I wasnt going 2 play the good wife & not say anything. When he came in the room I was in I started punching him everywhere...he had a fight on his hands 2day & I wasnt going 2 stop until 1 of us was going 2 the hosp. After about 1 hr of fightin he threw me on the ground & he kicked me, he said, "im am not going 2 leave my kids behind because u want me 2, if thats my baby ima be there for it, rather u like it or not." We went 2 the new place & I was in the bathroom crying by this time my baby could tlk & he said, "what's wrong mommy?" What do I tell my baby, I couldnt tell him what was really wrong all I could say was "mommy dont feel good baby", he said, "ur stomach hurt, u hungry?" I cried more & said, Yes baby lets get something 2 eat." Days went by, weeks went by & Keisha was calling the house like everything was all good, she told me that she was getting an abortion because she didnt want 2 bring a baby in2 the world like this & that she didnt want 2 mess up my family. Are u serious, u dont think u already done that? That next week I went 2 the doctor he weighed me, I was 426 lbs & he told me that I had PCOS & that I would never be able 2 have kids again & since I had 1 already 2 be glad. I went home devestated, & with my stupid self I told Josh that maybe they should keep the baby because I wouldnt never be able 2 give him that again. I was depressed, devestated & for days I cried & ate all the time. Maybe a week went by & Keisha called 2 tell us that the next day she was aborting the baby & could she come over 2 tlk 2 Josh for a few minutes. He said, Yes come on over. I wondered, how could he be so disrespectful 2 me, why would he say yes 2 her coming over? So he went outside 2 tlk 2 her & he came in 2 hrs later, I asked wht happened & he said, "she told me how u been tlking about my mom, she told me how u been calling her everyday forcing her 2 get that abortion, this is all ur fault." I couldnt believe that he was blaming me for his screw up & she was lyin on me just 2 try 2 tear us apart. He slept on the couch, me & the baby in the room..in the morning he woke up & he was throwin up & all quiet so I assumed maybe he's sick. Later that day I called Keisha, I said, "are u ok?" she said, "yea,why?" I said, "didnt u have that abortion 2day, she said," Oh yea, Im good." I knew then that something here just aint right. So, as the weeks & months rolled by I didnt hear anything else about or from Keisha until 1 day Josh came home & he said that he had seen Keisha & confronted her about the abortion papers, he said he asked for a reciept or paperwork from her even being pregnant in the 1st place because he believed it was all a lie. Come 2 find out it was! With my stupid self, I felt bad for him that she played him like that but at the same time he DESERVED it! Things started 2 look up, Minister Josh was trying 2 act better, now dont get me wrong, he was so much fun 2 be around, very smart & had lots of things 2 tlk about all the time but he was a *****! I guess being on the right path was old for him, I found out about more & more women, he even had a std from 1 of them...the baby was growing up & I was getting bigger...we moved maybe 3 more times since then, him cheating became the norm as sad as that sounds. Women were calling me, sending me messages on myspace it was awful. Well, in our new place 5 yrs later I was cooking some quesadillas (if thats how u spell it) & I went 2 lay dwn after I ate but I was feelin really sick & I was thinkin I over did it on the cheese & stuff. So in the middle of the night I had 2 go 2 the bathroom & when I got done there was ALOT of blood but it was from my stool...so of course I was scared & I went 2 the doctor the next day...she said let me run some test, it will take a few days 2 get the results but let me give u some anti inflammatories for ur stomach. Cool, got my prescription & we left. A few days went by & I got a call from the doctor who said, Mrs. White, dont take that medicine that gave u becuase u're pregnant!" TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!

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