Momonanomo

I'm going to lay out some thoughts I've been having. My intent is not to minimize the experience of anyone else, but simply to offer my own thoughts and beliefs. I know this journey is different for all of us, but I am always saddened when I see a post about how a pre-op person can't wait to "be skinny" or "look hot" or "feel good about myself again". Skinny does not equal happy. Skinny does not equal hot. Skinny does not equal feeling good about ourselves. There are just as many skinny people who are unhappy, unattractive, and down on themselves as fat people. Happiness, feeling attractive, and feeling good about oneself are characteristics generated from within, not without.
 
A few years ago, at a very low point in my life, happiness seemed to me like a foreign concept. I could not remember the last time I had felt genuinely joyous or happy about anything. Intellectually, I knew that there were many things in my life that were desirable. I had a good job, a comfortable house, a dependable car, some money in the bank, food in the fridge, etc. But despite these things, I was unhappy. Now, I had good reasons to be unhappy, or so I thought. My marriage was failing, I was coming to grips with the fact that I would never be a mother, I wanted desperately to change my life but felt completely stuck, and so on. I remember reading somewhere that happy is a verb...it's an action, not a passive condition. I began to wonder...if I truly felt that there was no spark of happiness or joy in my life, who's fault was that? Who was responsible for my happiness? The answer, of course, is me. I was failing myself. I was not loving myself, or being kind to myself.
 
I decided that if happy was an action, I was going to try and exercise my happy muscle. I was going to try and find one thing to feel happy about for a few minutes every day. My goal was 3-5 minutes a day of active happiness. I thought that would be super easy. After all, I had been able to identify good things in my life, so how hard could it be to think about them for a couple of minutes every day? Well, it was actually harder than I expected, but I stuck with it. I had to set a timer in the beginning, but I made myself do it every single day. Gradually, I noticed it got easier. Some days all I could come up with was something like the weather, or the fact that my bills were paid on time, but damn it...if that was all I had, then I was damn well going to focus on it & feel happy for 3 freakin' minutes.
 
I eventually began to notice that I felt happier overall. I'm not sure why, because by this time I was just divorced and trying to figure out dating at 270 lbs & maintaining my new house, etc, but regardless, I felt happier. After meeting the man who has become my 2nd husband, he said that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I always seemed happy. I'm not saying that this is somehow a magic bullet against bad stuff happening, but holding happiness in my mind for a few minutes every day helps me to deal with the inevitable downs of life. It seems to me that consciously taking time to feel happy each day has somehow made a state of happiness more accessible in my brain.
 
It's been almost 7 years since I began my happiness quest, and I can honestly say I feel happier today than I ever have in my life. To quote Charlotte in the Sex and The City movie, "I feel happy every day. Not all day every day, but every day I feel happy." In choosing to have the sleeve, I absolutely do not expect it to make me happy, because I'm already happy. I feel pretty good about myself today, this minute, at 300+ lbs. Yes, there are things I want to do, but I can't right now. Yes, I have pain every day & difficulty walking, but I still feel good about who I am and what I have to offer in my small corner of the world. I am aware that I am probably judged negatively by some people because of my weight, but I don't even really notice that. Today, I find it so much easier to find things in my life that make me genuinely happy. I am definitely looking forward to weighing less and seeing an improvement in my mobility, but I don't think it will make me somehow better or more acceptable or a more worthy person. I am enough, right now, just as I am. We all are, and we are all so very precious. Today, right now, at this very moment, we are beautiful, and we are valuable, and we are enough. I believe that with all my heart, and I hope you do, too.

And so begins the FIRST day of my 2 week Liver Shrinking Diet. It involves 2 protein shakes per day, 1 “lean & green” meal (for me it will be my dinners) and 2 “protein snacks” which can be a protein bar or 2 eggs or cottage cheese or poke, etc. Sugarfree jello is unlimited. Yay. LOL.
 
Not gonna lie, last night, being the last night of old food habits, I had a cheeseburger, ......and there was a late evening trip to Baskin Robbins. HOWEVER, I have actually been pretty in control with this looming on the horizon. My husband (fit & athletic all his life, god bless him) said “Gosh I guess if it was me I’d totally pig out so that I wouldn’t WANT junk food for a while” While I understand that he is alluding to a form of aversion therapy, that clearly is not the answer in the case of a food addict – otherwise I wouldn’t be so overweight. Yes I have totally pigged out at times in my life and guesswhat? It has never made me not want to eat again. But he meant well, and I’d venture to guess that the fact that I didn’t take him up on his offer to let me binge til I puked may have impressed him a bit
 
SO. ….To be honest, it’s early yet, but I’m not panicking about the aspects of this 2 weeks diet. I’m actually quite stoked to be starting the process! From past experience, I know that the Carb Crazies may set in round day 3 or 4. And that is also when my nose will become acutely attuned to smelling ANY bread or crackers within a mile radius. But, I shall overcome! And, a wise vet on VST has said - - when in doubt, drink water. I’m going to be very well hydrated. Also practicing the no water til 30 min after I eat. I had to spit some water out a little while ago because I took a sip without thinking. Glad I'm in my office where no one can see me
 
Really what hit me between the eyes this morning was that today signifies that in 2 weeks, I will be at the medical center being prepped for surgery. That is kinda unbelievable. That is exciting! That is coming up SO fast!!!
 
I’m ready! Or rather, I will be by then!
 
ONWARD!

And so begins the FIRST day of my 2 week Liver Shrinking Diet. It involves 2 protein shakes per day, 1 “lean & green” meal (for me it will be my dinners) and 2 “protein snacks” which can be a protein bar or 2 eggs or cottage cheese or poke, etc. Sugarfree jello is unlimited. Yay. LOL.
 
Not gonna lie, last night, being the last night of old food habits, I had a cheeseburger, ......and there was a late evening trip to Baskin Robbins. HOWEVER, I have actually been pretty in control with this looming on the horizon. My husband (fit & athletic all his life, god bless him) said “Gosh I guess if it was me I’d totally pig out so that I wouldn’t WANT junk food for a while” While I understand that he is alluding to a form of aversion therapy, that clearly is not the answer in the case of a food addict – otherwise I wouldn’t be so overweight. Yes I have totally pigged out at times in my life and guesswhat? It has never made me not want to eat again. But he meant well, and I’d venture to guess that the fact that I didn’t take him up on his offer to let me binge til I puked may have impressed him a bit
 
SO. ….To be honest, it’s early yet, but I’m not panicking about the aspects of this 2 weeks diet. I’m actually quite stoked to be starting the process! From past experience, I know that the Carb Crazies may set in round day 3 or 4. And that is also when my nose will become acutely attuned to smelling ANY bread or crackers within a mile radius. But, I shall overcome! And, a wise vet on VST has said - - when in doubt, drink water. I’m going to be very well hydrated. Also practicing the no water til 30 min after I eat. I had to spit some water out a little while ago because I took a sip without thinking. Glad I'm in my office where no one can see me
 
Really what hit me between the eyes this morning was that today signifies that in 2 weeks, I will be at the medical center being prepped for surgery. That is kinda unbelievable. That is exciting! That is coming up SO fast!!!
 
I’m ready! Or rather, I will be by then!
 
ONWARD!

Wow....I had prepared for it to take the full 15 business days for insurance to reply....but it only took 4.
I'm approved!
May 22nd at 1 pm.
Excited, scared, curious, nervous, relieved, anxious....seems crazy to have some of these feelings all at the same time! But ..... here we gooooooo.
 
I have SO much to do at work to get ready to be gone. I never take more than a day or two off at a time, except when I got married, and unfortunately even that I kinda planned around my work schedule (don't tell anyone, that's kinda my own little secret). I'm planning on being out 5/21 through 31... the 27th is a holiday, so it's really only 8 work days. I do payroll for a kind of large outfit and being out through the 31st means when I come back on June 3rd I have to hit the ground running full speed to process payroll that day. Hope to God all goes well and I am able to come back when I plan to! I honestly don't know what would happen if I wasn't here. I guess the responsible thing to do is to make sure my boss remembers how to do it, so that he can do it if necessary. Then there are other pressing matters that I need to wrap up before I take the time off, and some things I need to find someone to do while I'm out...I honestly don't know who is going to do some of these things...panicking a little about it.
 
One thing is for sure: nothing makes time go by more quickly than having deadlines to meet!

Wow....I had prepared for it to take the full 15 business days for insurance to reply....but it only took 4.
I'm approved!
May 22nd at 1 pm.
Excited, scared, curious, nervous, relieved, anxious....seems crazy to have some of these feelings all at the same time! But ..... here we gooooooo.
 
I have SO much to do at work to get ready to be gone. I never take more than a day or two off at a time, except when I got married, and unfortunately even that I kinda planned around my work schedule (don't tell anyone, that's kinda my own little secret). I'm planning on being out 5/21 through 31... the 27th is a holiday, so it's really only 8 work days. I do payroll for a kind of large outfit and being out through the 31st means when I come back on June 3rd I have to hit the ground running full speed to process payroll that day. Hope to God all goes well and I am able to come back when I plan to! I honestly don't know what would happen if I wasn't here. I guess the responsible thing to do is to make sure my boss remembers how to do it, so that he can do it if necessary. Then there are other pressing matters that I need to wrap up before I take the time off, and some things I need to find someone to do while I'm out...I honestly don't know who is going to do some of these things...panicking a little about it.
 
One thing is for sure: nothing makes time go by more quickly than having deadlines to meet!

Wow....I had prepared for it to take the full 15 business days for insurance to reply....but it only took 4.
I'm approved!
May 22nd at 1 pm.
Excited, scared, curious, nervous, relieved, anxious....seems crazy to have some of these feelings all at the same time! But ..... here we gooooooo.
 
I have SO much to do at work to get ready to be gone. I never take more than a day or two off at a time, except when I got married, and unfortunately even that I kinda planned around my work schedule (don't tell anyone, that's kinda my own little secret). I'm planning on being out 5/21 through 31... the 27th is a holiday, so it's really only 8 work days. I do payroll for a kind of large outfit and being out through the 31st means when I come back on June 3rd I have to hit the ground running full speed to process payroll that day. Hope to God all goes well and I am able to come back when I plan to! I honestly don't know what would happen if I wasn't here. I guess the responsible thing to do is to make sure my boss remembers how to do it, so that he can do it if necessary. Then there are other pressing matters that I need to wrap up before I take the time off, and some things I need to find someone to do while I'm out...I honestly don't know who is going to do some of these things...panicking a little about it.
 
One thing is for sure: nothing makes time go by more quickly than having deadlines to meet!

Moving right along! Went and got my EKG, chest X-ray, and h.pylori tests done yesterday. The offices were right across the hall from each other, so Efficient Me got in and out in 45 minutes (don't tell my work! I took the whole afternoon off!)
All 3 tests were uneventful. The chest xray involved stripping from the waist up and wearing a stylish paper gown. The guy tech was a cutie! One pic while I faced a white board, and one pic while I faced the side with my arms up.
The EKG -- remove shirt only, kept bra on. Before hand, the female tech asked "are you wearing a regular bra?" and I said yes, so she said ok to leave it on. But I can't help but wonder what is a not regular bra inasmuch as what kind of bra would I be wearing if it wasn't ok to leave it on? LOL. But I digress......she had me lie on a table (too short! My toes were on a cart at the end of the table!) and then she stuck stickers all over my front. Then she attached these wires with clampy-things to each of the stickers. Then she asked me to lay still and breathe deeply for like a minute, maybe two. Then she unhooked the wires, peeled of the stickers, and I was good to go. Then I went and got my blood drawn for h. pylori and my thyroid panel. Yes! Moving right along!
Also am beginning to figure out accommodations and car while we are on Oahu for the week around surgery. And lining up sending my dog to "camp" for that week
 
My RN emailed me to ask if I've gone to any of the local support group meetings.....I have to say that I've decided NOT to go. Several reasons. I live on an island, and it is a very small-town atmosphere. I have chosen not to shout from the rooftops about my surgery. I have a friend/ coworker who had WLS several years ago, and she is excellent support for me. Additionally, she went to the support group meeting -- once --- and someone there, who clearly didn't value privacy the way my friend does, went and told a bunch of my friend's in-laws who she had chosen not to tell. Then she was bombarded with phone calls. Not cool. VST has been and will be, I believe, just the right amount of support for me with a greater collection of people experienced with the sleeve than what I could find here in an in-person meeting. Diversity rocks, ya? And... I know myself well enough to know that if I get into an in-person support group environment, I could easily try to help everyone but myself. Denial is easier with distractions! Yes, I think VST is just the right amount of support giving and receiving..... at least for now. I would never say never, but this is how it seems best to me for now....

Everything's coming together and building momentum!!
Did my psych evaluation, which was actually quite nice -- I liked the counselor a lot. The RN coordinator had warned me that it would take at least a week or more for the surgeon''s office to get the psych report back, and she was really pleased and surprised when she got it back less than 24 hours later approving me! I guess I really AM a good candidate for surgery!
Now I can go get my ekg, chest xray, and h pylori test. I have to travel to Oahu for surgery, so my next NUT and exercise appointments are over the phone. Then they'll submit to insurance for surgery approval. I specifically asked -- with all the diligence in getting the insurance requirements done, is there any reasonable possibility that insurance would say no at that point? And the RN said "nope!" Yay!
So today I got my tentative surgery date of May 22. This....is my mom's birthday. I know she'll be ok with that - - she is VERY in favor of me having the surgery, and she's not the type to need special attention on her birthday (we can celebrate early I'm sure!) I just feel like I should ask and make sure she's ok with that.
Surgery is always on a Wed., and the required pre-op class is always on a Thursday before surgery...so I'll have to make one more day trip to Oahu. That's getting a little tricky with work, but my boss has been supportive and I will do what it takes to make it happen!
omg so excited!!

So...my insurance requires 6 months medically supervised blah blah blah.
 
And I've been gathering all my medical records from the various doctors I've seen over the past couple of years and getting them sent to the coordinator at my surgeon's office. She just called to say she's found enough info to count for 4 of those 6 months! And I have one other doctor I saw who, when I get that chart, will push that up to 5 of the 6 ....and I have an appt with my NUT in March so that will make 6! Yay!
 
Once I get rolling in that part of the program I'll find out what all I have to do as far as preop, like chest xray, ekg, etc., those kine things. Oh and I'll need to do the psych thing. So all that jazz takes approximately 2 months and that brings me to May, ta DA! That's exactly when I was hoping for, and it seems to be working out!
woo HOO
 
I love the team at my surgeons office theyaresoincrediblyCOOL! :tongue2:

These is basically just for me to vent over my private thoughts about something that went down recently. I still have some leftover frustration despite maybe personal messages cheering me on and supporting me in my line of thought so rather than make a forum thread for all to see begging for reassurance I just thought I would make a personal blog entry for me to come back on should I ever find myself in this situation again, because I think that spending most of the day in self reflection I have more or less worked out my real feelings about all this.
 
I've been known as the mean girl at many points in my life because I have always been active in organizations, clubs, and jobs in positions of power. I have always sought excellence, I was never happy to just be a member of a club, I jumped in head first and ran for president, you know? It's just my personality. I don't do a lot, but what I do decide to do, I do it to the absolute best that I possibly can. Now, this certainly is not to say that I do not have my days, and my screwups but I am not the type of person to screw up and then go post about it online looking for people to tell me it's OK. I track like I eat like all of us know we should, so there is never any question about whether or not something was alright or not. I'm in the green or I'm in the red, and when everything is black and white like that it's pretty obvious what to do about it.
 
This brings me to the heart of the matter, and what I seem to be continually butting heads with people over - I do not understand what people are looking for when they make posts about massively veering off course for a diet, let alone how we should be eating postoperative. I can understand it when people want to know if this or that is acceptable, but when people have gone and had 150 grams of carbs, 80 grams of sugar, and probably blown their fat and calories out of the water for the day too, I just don't understand. I know its not easy to stop, and I would never ever sit here and claim to never mess up. Hell, at two weeks post op I had frozen yogurt with my husband, and at three weeks post op I had a smallish serving of Outback Steakhouse's blooming onion, arguably one of the worse appetizers in the country. I make mistakes too, but what I do not understand is posting about it looking for nothing but hand-holding and reassuring comments.
 
I don't know what to say to someone who does that, especially when its over and over again, not just in posts but in comments to over people as well. And let me be clear - while this last episode that prompted me to really examine myself was obviously in response to a particular person, this is extremely common, which is why I felt the need to check myself.
 
I want to say something that I never said in all the back and forth, because it had not really occurred to me, and towards the end of all that, I was genuinely hurt by some of things people said and wasn't thinking clearly about the topic at hand. Enablers will not ever help you. Telling someone who has issues with food that their bad behavoir is fine and that tomorrow is a new day is not only a load of BS, its destructive in the worse sort of insidious way.
 
You will NEVER change if you don't wrap your head around the abuse that you inflict on yourself. Never, it doesn't matter how much of your stomach they take away, it doesn't matter how many ounces of food you can eat in a setting, you will find a way to ruin this gift to yourself.
 
I know this. I already HAD surgery once, and like so many of you out there, when I messed it up for myself day after day, week after week I came onto YouTube and forums like this looking for "support" when I really needed someone to tell me to stop what I was doing to myself. Some people act like they don't really have a problem with food and they might be true for a small minority of people on this site but the harsh reality is that no one makes it to 250 pounds, 300 pounds, and BMIs through the roof that merit weight loss surgery without unhealthy ideas about what is OK to eat, what isn't OK, and little ways we kid ourselves into thinking it's fine, it'll be better next time, I'll jump back on the horse tomorrow...... It's all a crock, and we kidded ourselves up to shameful sizes with that mentality.
 
I'm not saying that we should suddenly go at things with a level of intensity that we cannot maintain, and through empathy out the window but what I am saying is that when a simple suggestion that doing the hard mental work that needs to be done might require therapy or counseling of some sort, and that sparks a rage in people burning so hot that they threaten to leave the site and throw all class and dignity out the window, that does not bode well for the state of this community.
 
It would serve people well to sit up and take note of the state of things around here. When all that is offered is platitudes and hand holding, nothing good will come of that. We have to change our minds to change our bodies and sometimes that means growing a spine, and taking some honest criticism and self evaluation. No one is doing you any favors is everything they tell you is comfortable and unchallenged
 
 
If none of what I said applies to you, then you have to take some responsibility for what you post. If you make a semi-dramatic post every time you do something wrong but you have it under control, you have no right to get indignant when people notice. Some things are more appropriate in blog format not public forums.

So I decided today that I would give in to my hubby's complaining. We went to Ihop for breakfast with my 2 year old daughter. I knew how much I could eat so I was trying real hard to think of a way of ordering that would save us money and not waste a lot of food. I am 3.5 weeks post op and on soft foods. I knew I wanted an omelette, but the price was $15.99 for an omelet AND it came with all this other stuff like pancakes and hash browns. So I asked the waitress if I could get it without all that stuff (meaning...like as a side order) and she said yes.
 
Well...fast forward 30 minutes and the bill comes and I still was charged the $15.99!!! She said there was no other way to ring it up. Ugh...that was sort of what I was asking! I know I wasn't very clear on that, but I figured it was common sense that of course I could order something and tell them to hold them, but pay the same price.
 
Anyways, lesson learned. I ate about an eighth of my omelet (which was yummy) and told the waitress (at the end of my meal) that since I had to pay for it, then I would just take it to go. I took them to my mom so she could enjoy the pancakes. So I don't really know if I will be eating out again anytime soon. It was a huge waste of money and food. I will be eating that omelet for the next few days. On a happier note, my daughter was ecstatic about her pancakes and her sausage which made this mama happy.

I believe anyone that has 85% of their stomach removed will lose weight. You can't help but lose, if you are limited to 4oz of food every few hours.
 
Now the big question is, where is your hunger coming from? Only you can figure that part out. Is it from emotional eating, boredome, stress, or is it because you have hunger pangs caused by the hormone ghrelin?
 
From my own experience, I knew that my hunger was real (even though I had eaten 2 hours earlier, I'd be hungry again). It wasn't until I talked to my surgeon that he told me that I had an excess of the hormone ghrelin (produced by the stomach). The bigger the stomach, the more of the hormone produced.
 
The surgery stopped my hunger pangs. I have not had that nagging sense of hunger (other than my stomach growling) since surgery 7 weeks ago. And 4 or 5 oz of food keeps me satisfied, whereas before, I could eat 1 lb of steak and know I'd be raiding the fridge in 2 hours.
 
And I don't have any cravings anymore for certain flavors. Whereas before, I'd think about something that would taste good and I couldn't get the thought out of my head until I ate it - and a lot of it, not just a small portion.
 
Don't get me wrong, you can sabotage yourself after surgery. There are foods, called slider foods, that are calorie dense (ice cream, peanut butter) that pass through the stomach quickly, so it's possible to eat more. And it is possible to just graze all day on snacks that are high in calories.
 
The sleeve gave me the control over my eating that I needed. When I eat, I have full control of what I eat. I can pass on the donuts or just have 1 and be satisfied. With the exception of pasta - it triggers my sugar cravings. So I have to be real careful about eating it.
 
But I don't know if I'd the same success if my hunger was tied to my emotions instead of hormones.
 
I really believe food was an addiction - one you can't quit and never touch again.
 
Other addictions can be quit and never touched again. But what if a heroine addict, smoker or alcoholic knew they had to take some every day or their body would die?
 
What if they had 75 TV channels that ran commericals for cigarrets every 10 minutes during their favorite programs? Or had reality programs (like the best places to pig out or the food challenges) devoted to the best places to get their fix and showed people taking drugs and loving it? Could the addicts just reduce the amount they took every day and never over do it or would they give in to the nagging voice in their head telling them how good it was going to feel?
 
Ok, rant over. :-)

Went to the seminar required by my surgeon this past week. I didn't learn anything I hadn't already heard about in great detail by my own research and by spending a lot of time here on VST The benefit to the seminar, as far as I'm concerned, was taking DH along so he could hear it all. He found it very interesting and informative. Oh! One thing I did learn that I am VERY excited about is that this surgeon does all his sleeves with a single incision through the belly button! That is SO cool!! Wonder if anyone else here on VST has had this?
 
I also found out that my insurance requires a 6 month medically supervised diet. Ugh. Like I haven't already tried aaaaallllllllll the diets out there, supervised or unsupervised. My big thing about this requirements is this: yep I can do the diet, and I will lose weight. I've done it before -- lots. My problem, however, is that I cannot keep the weight off, hence the need for VSG. So what is a 6 month diet going to do except maybe get my BMI down to where insurance might not cover it? I'm sure as we progress and I can speak with a coordinator from my surgeon's office I will figure out more. Maybe there's a loophole or a work-around that we can do.
 
I've been reading a lot of people's entries about insurance qualifications, comorbidities (or lack thereof of as far as the insurance approved list), and employer exclusions. What's frustrating is this: quite a few of us are borderline BMI (39) , have been yo-yo-ing for many years if not decades, do not have comorbidities YET, and therefore may not get insurance approval. My mom said I have a serious case of the "Yets" (I thought she was attempting to speak yiddish there for a minute lol). What she was pointing out is that I don't have high bp -- yet. I don't have diabetes -- yet. I don't have any of the other serious problems that the insurance deems worthy -- yet. But I will soon if I don't do something. My knees and ankles and back already hurt, but I don't see that on the insurance's list. . . actually I may have sleep apnea, but I don't think it's "severe". Will find out when I get my sleep test in a couple of weeks.
I just think the insurance companies are being foolish with their requirements in many cases.
 
ANYways. So 6 months. From when I don't know, waiting to hear from the surgeons office to see if the clock has started ticking yet. I think right now they are getting the ball rolling and hitting up my insurance co. Perhaps we can find a loophole or a work-around. I'd like to have this done like, yesterday.
 
I've been regaling DH with stories from the message boards here. You guys are really fun I'm talking specifically about a recent thread entitled: "So, really weird inappropriate question" That was awesome (and informative hehe)
 
Best to all of you out there. Happy holidays!

I’ve made my decision. I just got my referral, and I’m signed up for my first seminar with the surgeon in 2 weeks. I’ve been addicted to VST for about a month, and I am a sponge absorbing everyone’s pre and post op stories. God bless the people of VST
 
I’ve had a weight problem all my life it seems, whether real or perceived. I’m tall, and I was always the biggest kid in the class in elementary school. I wasn’t an overweight child really. My older sister had a more petite frame, and I think in some ways just the fact that she was smaller made me identify with being a Big Girl before I ever really was. But when adolescence hit, I did indeed become overweight. I’ve always been hungry. My mom talks about how even as an infant still in the hospital, the nurses would have to bring me in for feeding well ahead of my scheduled feeding time – mom would get a call from the nurse’s station and could hear me shrieking in the back ground. We have discussed recently how interesting it was to have two daughters being raised the same way who had fundamentally different feelings about food.
 
I have a very clear memory of saying to myself at age 15 “If I don’t get control of my weight right now, I never will”. And I never really did, imagine that! I went up and down the next 25+ years! I actually look back at pictures of when I was 15, and think damn I was cute – I don’t look anywhere as big as I felt. I was 5’10” by 8th grade, and I felt that I was huge compared to my classmates. By the time I graduated high school though, I weighed 200 lbs. Still, looking back and comparing to where I am now, I wasn’t so bad off.
Through college I went up and down between 170 and maybe 220. I was a SERIOUS yo-yo dieter. By age 24, out in the professional world and having a failed romantic life, I got tired of being 235 lbs and joined Weight Watchers. And man, I was good at it! I got down to 160. But ya know, I was motivated by a failed romance, a situation in which I felt “if only I wasn’t overweight, I would be desirable”. With age comes wisdom, and I now know that the guy was just a total loser ANYways, I attended WW under the guise of adhering to their program, but in reality I just severely restricted my calories for almost a year. I lost weight, but I wasn’t exercising, so no doubt I harmed my metabolism BIG TIME. I was so successful that WW asked me to work for them as a group leader. I wish I hadn’t. It actually is a really good program; it teaches balanced eating habits and a healthy lifestyle in a very livable way. It works for SO many people long term. It just didn’t stick with me long term. The weight came back, and a bunch more. Same old story that so many of us had lived.
 
Then I discovered diet pills! Hoorah! I was able to go from about 250 to 185, and I lost a bit of my sanity as well – because it is essentially speed. Very bad scene for me. And again, no exercise, just severe caloric restriction. So when I stopped, back came the weight. And the beginnings of other health problems. In my early thirties, I moved to Hawaii. Hit 279. Yikes! Desperate, I went back to diet pills.
 
I got down to 206 and met the man who would become my husband. As we got to know each other, I learned that he actually prefers women who are not stick figure skinny. He told me early on that I was his “dream girl” in mind, spirit, and body. How lucky am I?!? He seems attracted to me no matter what. He loves how I am now, loved how I was then, and has expressed appreciation for photos of me when I was 100 lbs smaller. He loves me no matter what! So I dropped the pills (he never knew about), and the weight crept up. Even as I’ve gained weight, he’s still chased me around like that little cartoon skunk on Looney Tunes, and (lucky me!) he tells me how gorgeous and sexy I am every chance he gets even all these years later. He’s fine with the fact that I will never be ‘petite’. He is, however, extremely athletic, and as the years have gone by and my weight has crept back up he misses me going on hikes and paddle boarding with him. He still thinks I’m sexy-as-hell, but he loses an awful lot of sleep because of my snoring. We both wish I had more energy and confidence. I love him dearly, and I love that he loves my voluptuousness, but he also loves me enough to want me to feel good.
I tried medi-fast. That one was really was bad for me – maybe I lost about 20 lbs, but then I would go crazy with hunger and undo all the good I’d done. Three years after we met, I got to 282. OMG, it sucked. Tired, sick, sleepy – no way to live a good life. Apnea while awake and just watching TV! I contemplated WLS. I shared this with DH, and he encouraged me to research it and committed his support with whatever I chose. What an angel.
 
Well at that time several years ago – RNY and the band were pretty much it, and I didn’t like either choice. I won’t go into my concerns with those 2 procedures here, but I decided if that’s what WLS was, it wasn’t for me. DH has said many MANY times since then how GLAD he was that I didn’t opt for surgery….
 
So I joined <national prepackaged meals diet program>. I lost 40 lbs within a few months. It’s another great program that works for a lot of people. A family member of mine in fact has lost 70 lbs and kept it off! But…..it didn’t stick for me. I’m still going all these years later, but in the last year I’ve gained back 20 of the 40 lbs I had lost. Never even got down anywhere close to goal. I’m just SO been-there-done-that. I get too freaking hungry. I cheat the program. I feel like a huge failure. I comfort those feelings with food. More eating leads to even more hunger because of blood sugar swings, and more feelings of failure. I set myself up for failure with the old “Last Supper Syndrome”, you know the one – where you tell yourself you’ll get back on track tomorrow, so you may as well absolutely make the most of it tonight…and then tomorrow never comes.
 
So here I am today: 260, feeling a fool, kinda half-arsed doing <national prepackaged meals diet program>, exhausted, sore and tired of it all. A month ago, I saw a new doctor (because surely this can all be fixed with the right medication, right?) and he – unsolicited- advocated WLS. I was like “No, I don’t want surgery. My husband wouldn’t want me to have surgery.” So the doctor ordered a battery of tests – you know, all the blood work, fasting and then with the sugar drink. Man that day was hard – afterward I was cold and shakey and had to take a 3 hour snap. Apparently I don’t handle a super-dose of carbs very well!
 
What this doctor had brought up interested me. Over the next month, I again researched WLS. This time, I discovered the sleeve. I devoured every bit of info I could find on it. And….everything that was a turn-off for me about the other WLS options was resolved when it comes to the sleeve. I learned about grehlin, the hunger hormone in the lining of the stomach, and realized that’s what has driven me since birth to be so hungry! The thing is, once you become overweight and then obese, the problems just snowball and your body chemistry gets farther away from normal. I do take responsibility for it having gotten out of control. But I feel validated knowing I had this challenge from the beginning whereas people like my sister, and DH, didn’t. I have discussed all this with DH and we have agreed that he just doesn’t understand what it’s like to have a weight problem.
 
…So when I brought up WLS with DH this time, his immediate reaction was “I’m against it.” At that point I had already fully gotten on board with the idea myself, and was so excited and so hopeful for a healthy life, that when DH shut me down like that, I felt almost as though he had signed my death sentence. I know I’m being dramatic, but I also know many of you reading this will understand where I’m coming from. So I went and researched some more. I found VST – awesome! I’m so grateful for VST! More educated, I approached DH again, and was again shut down. He 1) doesn’t believe my weight is that big of a problem and 2) believes if I just eat less and move more I can overcome this. He seems to think It’s a moral and strength-of-character issue. You all know that line of thinking. But, I’m convinced that if he had been along for the ride with me all of the past 30 some-odd years that I've struggled with this, he would understand better.
 
We enjoy a spectacularly healthy relationship and approach life as a team – this is one thing though, that we don’t come at from the same place. So the problem here is twofold – not only is it something we don’t see eye to eye on, but it is so rare that we don’t see eye to eye, that to not to is additionally disturbing! We do have a relationship of equality too – reading the last paragraph one might not think that. Truth is, I can do what I want, but what I ultimately want is for us to be on the same page with it. I need his support.
 
After Thanksgiving at my parents’ house, we came home and DH said out of the blue “See, if you had WLS, you’d never enjoy Thanksgiving again.” And thus opened a long and detailed discussion about WLS and the sleeve in particular—what it is, what it does, how one lives a sleeved life. And by the end of our conversation, you know what? He said he’ll support me. Woo HOO!
 
So I’ve been to the doctor again for the results of the tests, and I’m prediabetic. If I stay this weight and just get older, I will become diabetic. If I gain weight any time soon, I will become diabetic sooner. My BMI is like 38.5. I’m worried because my insurance says approval is for BMI of >40 or 35+ with comorbidities. The rest of my bloodwork is fine. The doctor is sending me for a sleep test for apnea and feels that will suffice for comorbidity. Pretty sure I have it, but what if I don’t? He's also putting me on (can’t remember the name) the medicine that Type II and prediabetics take to help regulate blood sugar, and it does often cause *some* weight loss.
 
DH asked last night (with a tone that was, to me, antagonistic) “What if, while you’re out for surgery, the doctor decides to also perform liposuction?” And I was like WTF are you talking about? that’s as absurd as him giving me a nose job during WLS! Well, I guess I was a little too vehement in my reply, because he got offended. And adheres to the belief that these two surgeries are absolutely along the same lines. He reiterated that he doesn’t want me to have WLS (although he will support me).
 
I can tell by his relating liposuction to WLS that he *still* REALLY doesn’t understand what this surgery is about. Seriously! He’s a really intelligent guy, my DH. Extremely intelligent, actually. But I thought this was pretty ridiculous. Part of me thinks he really needs to be made aware of how vastly different these two surgeries are, not only on a surgical level, but also in motivation, intent and result. Not to mention -- my surgeon wouldn’t do anything I hadn’t signed off on, even if he was trained in cosmetic surgery and had a lipo wand on hand in case the spirit moved him. (Yes, sarcasm)
 
So, is it necessary to try to educate DH more on this? To make sure he knows this is not a cosmetic/vanity surgery (like when his ex a decade ago got breast implants)? Or would it be advantageous to just let him think it is more along the lines of a boob job or lipo, so that he doesn’t grow overly concerned about the seriousness of WLS and go back to saying he absolutely won’t support it? No, I think it better to be straight forward as we have always been with each other. I so whole-heartedly believe that this is the right thing for me, and that I am an excellent candidate.
 
Thanks to all those sharing their stories. Hope I can pay it forward someday. My blog entries should be of more reasonable length in the future