diamondkized

You should of told her that her face reminded you of James brown and it was upsetting you. Smh people need to learn to mind their business and give advice when you request it.

I totally feel you in this, I did everything for my ex. I never did the things or went the places I wanted to go because he would never make my wants important, it was ALWAYS about him and for 20 years (started dating @ 15, moved in 2gether @ 17 was together 20 years & he never married me) I did all the changing and all the bending to make "his" life better & happier. Well at the end of the day he came home on a Wednesday said he wasn't happy and thought we should separate for a while, mind you we had not been fighting or arguing. Then he came home on Friday and said he was moving out on Sunday and on Sunday he left, knowing since I worked at a High school my job would be ending in June (this was in April) It broke my heart I spent many years trying to get him back and blaming myself for his leaving and him not being happy and when I finally started working on "ME" and fixing "ME" I realized him leaving me was the best damn thing that ever happened to me, I say that because if he wouldn't have left I would have never become who I am today and I can honestly say for the 1st time in a very long time I am very happy. Oh and my ex has spent the last 5 1/2 years trying to get me back and I know I am better and deserve better than the way he treated me. Met a man 4 years ago and got married in June. I am a better person and a better mother to my daughter. You are WORTH MORE and should be treated with love, honesty and respect. Unless you aren't giving those things to him. And if I'm not mistaken if your married and he buys a house don't you BOTH own it???? So if he's buying a house and leaves you won't you get 1/2????? just something to think about. Sorry my post was long winded, I hope it helped. And so you know even though the people on VST don't know you and you don't know them doesn't mean they can't give you support and lend an ear )or a computer screen...lol) I have just begun my weight loss surgery journey but since early October I have felt like these people understand me and are willing to help me and support me.

I wish nothing for you but the best life you can have and be happy, cus if Momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Those kids need a healthy and happy Mom, you can be what you want to be. I hope this has helped you know there are people who understand and care about you because you are you. Keep in touch and let us know how YOU are doing :}

Wow, you ex chased you for years, I wonder what made him wake up and realize he made a mistake. You are definitely right that if I am not happy no one is happy and I don't want my kids to see me that way. They deserve to have a mom who is there for them 100%. I actually took them out today just to get some air and to show them that I am ok. One thing I have learned from the people on here is that they have been more supportive than anyone else that I know. Congratulations on your marriage and on your weight loss journey I am sure that you will be successful.

Honey I don't want to stress you out but I also don't want to see you in a mess.

If he's leaving, how will you deal with the kids when you are in hospital? How would you deal with them if you had complication issues? Who will clean the house, do the laundry, shopping, etc during the six weeks you are on lifting restrictions? Who is going to pick up the baby and change diapers?

You say you are having the surgery to avoid comorbidities, and from your picture I'm guessing that you are a lower bmi (I was at 35 when I had it). Is this cosmetic to you? Cosmetic and future good health? That's why I had it so don't think I'm saying that's a bad thing. But at this time of your life, with the situation, how will you deal with the above issues if he's out of the picture?

You also confused me..I thought he was your financial support for the surgery, then you say you are the bread winner in the house? Or did I read that right? Being layed up after surgery if you have no money is not going to work with five kids to deal with...

I think you should resolve your issues (leave or don't) and then proceed with the surgery when life is more stable. My hope is that you go it on your own, for the good of your mental health, and the good of your children. NO ONE deserves to be with a mate who calls them stupid. PERIOD NEVER!!!! It's a path to major depression or being alone. I don't care about the late hours or anything else...stupid coming out of the mouth of a spouse is a reason to be divorced IMO. That level of lack of respect is insurmountable, and living with it teaches your children to be that way to their future spouses.

My husband owns several businesses. He buys companies, large equipment, (like planes, hotels, etc) and we discuss it all. Do I give permission? No, we don't have that kind of relationship...I don't believe it them, but does he discuss the ups and downs of his business with me, and the major moves? Hell yes, both because it's good to be able to bounce things off of each other, and because he respects me as his spouse. When a big deal is going down he is gone A LOT (like days on end) but we still talk during that time and he makes time to speak with our son as well because his family is more important than anything to him. You deserve this kind of respect and your kids do as well. A family is not a dictator and a servant. My husband could buy a house every day of the week...but he'd never do that without us discussing it in debth as it would involve me as well. You deserve this kind of respect!!! YOU DESERVE IT!

In my experience when the words "leave" or "I'm leaving" "you can leave" etc, come up in a marriage, the marriage is pretty much over. Add stupid on top and I'd have to say I wish nothing more for you than a life of your own, stable with your kids, then when the time is right, have the surgery dear. Make your kids a priority (the fact that you lock yourself in your room and ignore them scares me about where you are in your mind). And make yourself a priority as well.

Another member brought up the idea of counseling and I think that it is a great idea. You guys have offered great advice and it is amazing how you learn new things each day. The communication between my husband and I was a lot better once upon a time it's just amazing how we have got to this point. Sometimes I think that we got together so young that we may just be growing apart.

When I said that he supported me I meant by going to appointments etc. He is self employed and as many of you know the work is never steady. I pay the bills in the household and he helps when he can financially and by taking on other responsibilities. I know that financially I can take care of myself and the children but it is also emotionally draining. I lock myself in the room because I don't like for my kids to see me that way. I thought of postponing it for the very reasons you described although I would never want to.

The picture is not a good representation of my weight. My bmi is actually way over which is the reason my insurance will cover the surgery. I actually tried the Protein diet, the adipex and the B12 shot diet, and everyone else before I came to this conclusion. I know that if I don't do anything eventually I will get some of the things I am afraid of.

Thank you for your insight and it sounds like you and your husband have great communication which is something that I hope to have some day.

Natural way my large A$$, geez that strikes a nerve with me. Every time my husband would say that, all conversations would just stop. Ugh. Just so annoying for someone to speak on how easy something is, when they aren't living with the problem.

While in preop I was visited by a male nurse who also had the sleeve. He was so reassuring. His wife got the surgery before him, and I think a few months later he did too. He lost over 100 lb already. I know I don't have that much to lose, but that's now...in 4 years after a few kids, who knows how large I would be.

I dont argue with stupidity or arrogance. There is no point. I value the opinion of someone who's experienced the problem over someone who's talking in theory. .

I wish I knew how many times people have told me to just work out. Omg!!! My husband is one of those people who gain weight then lose it just as quick as it comes. The nutritionist told us how men naturally lose weight faster and for the first time he was listening. I still have co workers who say well if fat people didn't sit and eat all day they wouldn't e fat. I sometimes wish that he holds on to that weight a little longer than usual just to see how it feels.

Calling you ignorant and stupid because you want to be involved in a huge financial decision is UNACCEPTABLE. Actually - calling you that regardless of why he called you that is wrong. He has no right to do that. And I don't care how insecure he *might* be feeling.

I agree with you. Men say they want a supportive wife but I see that's not always the case.

That were your FAITH comes in BELIEVE that God will deal with any complications... I have found myself in bad situations with my husband of 11yrs but if I'm sick or ill he steps up... Believe that God will handle your husband...

I believe God will take care of it. I am going to try to let go and let God

Hi, I really hope you are feeling better...obviously it is your decision and only you can make the right choices for you and your family but me personally, I think by going ahead with the sleeve and working towards your goal will be a great confidence booster for you when you see the scales going down. This will shine through you...

My situation now post sleeve is my hubby can't leave me alone, he is so affectionate and caring as I think he can see the confidence in me now with only 25kgs gone. What till the last half comes off

You don't want to put this on the back burner and wait for the right time as you may regret this then become angry at him for you feeling like you had to postpone the op. I reckon- GO FOR IT AND TIME TO DO THIS FOR YOU !!! Great things will follow from there

I thank you for the encouragement and you are right. I would be upset if I didn't do this. It's also good to see that there are some positive sides of the sleeve as far as marriage goes. I was hoping my husband would e the way yours is but his loss. I am one sexy beast!

So sorry about you situation... I hope and pray that God gives you the straight to deal with your husband... The sleeve is to HELP you, it will not change his behavior or make him love you more or any different.... So make sure that this choice is based on what is best for YOU ....Financial problems can bring the worst out of any marriage. Not to mention the stress of trying to start your own business... Plz pray ask God for a better understanding of you husband, marriage, children and your surgery... You already have your surgery date, that's God will!! I think he is insecure about the outcome eventually he will get over it.. God Bless.

Thank you for your posting. I have been praying for things to work out and I believe things will work out or the best. I guess that I am just afraid of how things will work during that time. God forbid I have any complications! One thing Is I have always wanted the sleeve for me and he wanted me to do it the natural way but I weighed my options to do the best for me. I am certain that it won't change the marriage but I am looking forward to the uplifting that I will feel by losing weight.

Before you read my post understand that I am a cynic when it comes to relationships. After being cheated on multiple times in the past 2 major relationships I've had, it's to be expected.

Now, for my opinion. Your husband refuses to tell you about his business dealings and belittles you by calling you stupid and ignorant when you inquire about them. He is being defensive for a reason. What is that reason? Could be a number of reasons... My guess is he is either: a.) failing miserably at the business venture and doesn't want to own up to it, b.) he is involved in something that may not be 100% legal and doesn't want to own up to it or, c.) there is no business venture and he may be seeing someone else while he is claiming he is working. Why would he not want you to know what is going on if everything is on the up-and-up? Unless he is just being a jerk for no good reason... In which case, why would you want to stay with someone like that? Why would you want to stay with someone who calls you names? In your mind's eye, when you picture what true love is, do you picture someone calling you stupid and ignorant? Do you want your kids to have a father who calls their mother stupid and ignorant?

Again, I am a total cynic and I tend to expect the worst out of people, so keep that in mind... Just some food for thought. I hope I'm 100% wrong and you can work things out. But, honestly, please don't be one of those people who sticks it out "for the kids' sake". You're not doing your children any favors staying in an emotionally abusive relationship.

And finally, most importantly, trust your instincts. In my experience they are right 100% of the time.

I have had trust issues but I learned that they can kill a relationship. I have let my mind wonder about what may be going on but at the end of the day I will never know. I try to believe what you do in the dark will come out in the light. I think that I pt too much focus on him and I don't want o continue to do that. I want to Celebrate the fact that I can have surgery soon to change my life. It's just hard when you are dealt a blow like this when you need all the support you can get.

Diamond.... If that's your real name, remember its meaning. Diamonds are strong, the only thing that can cut a diamond, is a diamond. You are strong. You had 5 children, that's proof enough.

I see your pain, as I've been in a similar situation of not being wanted by the man I loved.

But you have to find a way to love yourself and your children first.

You are coming here for support, and everyone is telling you to think about YOURSELF not about him and your responses keep going back to how you feel about him, him, him.

Lets talk about you.

You don't need him to go to counseling with you, you go by yourself. You will learn more about yourself then you ever thought you knew.

Most counseling I've ever attended, works from the perspective of each person taking responsibility and fixing his/her actions. Not finger pointing or trying to force a person to do something he is not ready to do.

So start by fixing you. Do what's right for you.

I think you are absolutely right. Believe it or not reading these posts have been a great help to me. I think I lost myself a long time ago and I just stop living my own life. I thought about going for myself ut I know I didn't want to sound like I was crazy. I have been thinking of ways to get myself back into life before this drives me crazy.

December 10th for me!!!!

Hi

With 5 kids and loving your husband,not overreacting at this point is very important.

His new business is as big a life chaning event than what your upcoming surgery is.He went with you for your appointments and that is more than what a whole lot of women can say.He listened to your rants about you feel about yourself...that says a lot too.He has a whole lot of stress to deal with right now,the business and your upcoming surgery.

If his late nights are purely work related I would say you have to have some understanding for that too.Us girls want emosional support.Boys "do".They fix things and if you are very insecure at the moment,he might just not have the ability to fix that.Then of course the threat of you becoming pretty,new and dinamic...this scares them too.However the more we nag about things we think they do wrong the more they avoid situations where they have to listen being nagged at...lol.

Surely he wont walk out the door just before your surgery but you will have to become a little more self reliant as far as your feelings are concerned.

Is he a bad husband and father?Do you maybe rely too heavily upon him for emosional support and to feel secure?And dont we all often say stuff we just dont really mean?Maybe the stress of it all is just getting to him.Maybe the stress of all this is getting to you and the situation might just seem worse than it is.

Just sit down and think about this.We cannot fix anyone but ourselves.What can you do to support him,make him want to come home earlier?

And dont you think you might need the surgery even more if at some point in the future you will have to take care of yourself and your kids by yourself?

It might not be as simplistic as this but then it might just be.I am just saying,think it through very carefully.What can you do to make things better?

Wow. I guess I never thought about it like that. I swear that I try to be supportive with his goals but he won't allow me to. This new house he is buying, well he keeps saying when the time is right he will show me. Everything he does is labeled as his business and nothing to do with me. You are right though, I fuss a lot about him not being here and I think it makes it worse but i don't think I should have to keep my feelings to myself.

If I can find at least one person to help. Me during the surgery I will do it. He keeps saying that I can't deal with his work ethic and that I need someone else and last night he decided that he would leave. I'm not sure if he just said it or if it's true but I'm done arguing. I never walked out on him no matter what. I was willing to fight he isn't.

Here's the question I would ask: why not listen to your friends? Or ask yourself why you're not listening to them.

Don't they know you? Don't you trust their judgement?

Often we cannot see things that others can because our perspective is biased.

Unfortunately my friends are single and single minded. Everythie you have a problem there solution is to leave and find someone else. I made the mistake of just making life revolve around him so I am basically alone.

So sorry you're dealing with this on top of worrying about surgery. Now this is my own opinion but it seems he's saying these things because he's insecure & wondering if after you lose all the weight YOU will leave him. He just might've been comfortable with how you looked because he knew where he stood with you. I'm married 30 years & every so often in a "joking" way my hubby will say something like - oh now that you're losing all this weight you're gonna want to look for a stud" and I tell him - of course I will! Lol- we both know we're just kidding (we've been together since we were kids! But he says it alot so I think there's a little something there. Good luck to you & take care of YOU so you can be healthy enough for your beautiful children. Keep us posted....

I am glad that you and your husband are doing well but his attitude is a reflection on this marriage. I get the feeling that he is not into me anymore and judging by the comments he says to me it's a o brained. I can't tell you how many times I've been called stupid and told my feelings don't mean anything. I wish I could have fealty with this after the surgery.

Hey there.... You are far from alone in how you feel and how your husband is acting. View my profile and my posts and you will find similar stories of emotional wives and seemingly withdrawn husbands.

Personally, my husband has done a 180 in his response to this decision since the surgery. I drove myself to the hospital to get the surgery, but once he realized I was ok, he's been overly caring for me.

I'm not saying that same will happen to you as I don't know your husband. But what I am trying to say, is don't let his reaction to the surgery be the reason you two breakup. If your heart is set on it, and you know your body, then stick to your feelings.

I do recommend relationship counseling. My hubby and I have just started seeing one.

I would love to see a counselor but it takes two to make it work, and he is not emotionally in the marriage anymore.

If he is in love with you than you need to find what he is scared of. He may be scared that you will get smaller and leave him, he might be scared that you will die. he might be scared of you failing on another "diet". you need to find what he is scared of and try to remedy that. being a guy myself we tend to have a hard time verbalizing our feelings and fears . counseling may be needed. try inviting him to some of your doctor appointments or support group meetings. Dont give up on him, attempt to find what his issue is and work toward fixing it. That being said, dont back down from having surgery, at the end of the day your kids need a healthy mother whether your are with your husband or not. Be strong and stay positive.

After the fight we had last night and being called stupid and ignorant because I want to be included on major endeavors like buying rental properties (I forgot to mention that I am the only one carrying the household financially) and that it's not acceptable for him to work all hours and we only see each other 30 minutes a day he basically said since I cant handle what he is trying to build then he will leave. I'm not going to argue I guess he doesnt love me anymore after all.

*hugs* I am sorry to hear you are going through this. This is time when we need and expect those who love us to be there for us and support us.

You say he has been your support and is your only support, but then you say he is hardly there and tells you to leave?? I am a little confused, is he really that much of a support?

Is your concern over the surgery if you will be able to manage alone physically?? or is it that you will need someone to care for your children? or is it that emotionally you want to know if one can do this alone? and then I would ask myself how important is this surgery to me right now, is it needed for my health and sanity or would I feel better if I waited. More importantly 6 months from now, will I be glad I waited?Only you can answer that.

First and foremost thank you for reading this. My husband has gone to my appointments with me, he has listened to my rants and raves about how I feel about myself etc. It seems that he is trying to get his self on track but he is leaving me behind. Its kind of like he doesnt want me to be involved in any decision that clearly I should know about i.e. buying rental property. The late hours are causing more arguments because my mind starts to wander and I guess by him telling me that if i am not happy to leave pretty much tells me that he is on his way out the door once he gets on his feet.

I am sure that I will need some help because I have five children with the youngest being 1 year old. I wouldnt have anyone to help me to transport them to and from school or anything like that. I just want to be happy. I want to get the surgery for me.

It's really hard when your on the brink of a relationship separation. Does he love you and do you love him? Have you both sought out marital counseling. You are both having a lot of changes going on in your lives, new business, buying property, getting surgery, having arguements. You have 5 beautiful kids that need both their parents. They also need a healthy mom too. The surgery improves your physical health as well as your psychological health. Do you have relatives that can help give you support and help at least in the beginning. I imagine your Husband is also scared of losing you to but doesn't have to words to tell you. Take a bit of a break and sit down with him and have a heart to heart discussion. Take it 1 step at a time. You are worth it....

Thank you for replying to me. I really dont know what to do. I have just locked myself in my room after work and I haven't even looked at my kids. I talked on the phone to my husband who could really care less about how I felt. I don't have any other support and I have gotten into the habit of not telling my friends my issues because they are quick to tell me that there must be someone else and to leave. I love him and I definitely do not want to let my family go so I am lost. I thought the surgery would help with my issues (concerns about getting bigger and losing control, gaining self esteem, avoiding co morbities, and just trying to live and enjoy life) and it could have been a positive thing for us.

I am having my sleeve on December 10th and I was so excited but now I am thinking that I may have to postpone it. My husband and I have always had issues but lately it seems that they are boiling over. He has been trying to get his business off of the ground and buy a rental property and there are times where i dont even see him. I have gotten so emotional about it that i try to talk to him and it ends up in an argument. I am hearing more and more comments like- if you arent happy leave cause he is just trying to better his situation and him basically telling me that I need someone else who can be what I want. I am heartbroken and scared that any day now he is going to leave. The problem is- he was my support for me to have the surgery. I have five children so I cannot possibly do it alone. He is basically all the family and support I have. I am so confused right now and I have been crying all day. Its hard to convince someone that all you want is for them to be your husband and its obvious that he doesn't want to be. I dont know what to do. Am i emotionally capable of doing it?

Diamondkized....how about panties that dont fold and are not the same size all the way around?....how about...lace instead lycra!

right! i think that the first thing i buy will be some sexy undergarments that are not made by hanes!

I am new as well and my surgery date is December 10th. I am in the same boat that you are in as far as not having any serious health issues. That is what almost prevented me from going through with the surgery. I had to rethink that decision because just because I donthave the issues now doesntmean that they will not develop. I think that it is something that will enhance my life and I owe it to my kids to be able to be there for them 100%

I just want to wear underwear that doesnt have to be folded when doing laundry. My kids fold them like they are damn towels

Come on! If i can do it you can too! I hate taking pictures but i think it will be a tool to remember where i started. Its not like i will wear a thong or anything. Ugggghhh i just pictured how that would look. I am not trying to scare anyone lol.

Has anyone looked at YouTube videos to see the progress of some of the people who had the surgery. Some of them look really good while others unfortunately have the dreaded skin.

Lol, some people post while at the hospital!

Iplan on being a YouTube video loser. I want to be able to see my progress so I guess I understand why people post at the hospital