ieshankiurki

Today's post isn't about weight loss. It's about me and my husband learning to adjust to living with cats. First, you have to understand that neither he nor I are cat people. Please, let me explain. In 1997. after graduating from college, I got a dog. Bear (I didn't name him), was black lab, boarder collie mix. He was full of life and the most loving animal I have ever known. I found Bear in a local paper and when I left to go look at him, my mother's last words to me were, "DO NOT bring him home if he's nothing but a ball of energy!". So, I set off to take a look at this dog that I more than likely wouldn't bring home. All I knew was he was between three and four years old and he was a black lab mix.
 
Once I got to the home, this big bouncing ball of fur pounced out the door and on to me. All he wanted was to to be played with and loved on. There was something about him that told me I couldn't leave him there. So, after assuring the owner he was in good hands and giving my vet. references, I said the magic words, " Wanna go bye-bye?" That was it. He took off towards my car in a full stride. By the time I caught I up to him, I could see him sitting by the car door, tail wagging, and what to me looked like a smile on his face. To be honest, I felt really bad for the owner, who was in tears. I could tell she loved this dog. The only other thing I knew was that she was going through a tough divorce and that she could not have Bear in her new place. So, with another jump, he was in my back seat and we were off to my house.
 
Once home, many things became obvious. The first was that he had not come from a loving and caring home. I believe the woman did love and try to care for him, but he was scared to death of men. My father would try to play with him and he would whimper and hide. The same thing would happen if my father or anyone would try to throw food to him. Other than these signs, he was a loving, caring, empathetic creature who seemed to be very happy to be in his new home.
 
Over the years, Bear and I moved on. He watched me go on many dates and never seemed to give any of the men the time of day. If I would have a date over, Bear would stay near me, but he would never engage anyone. That is until my husband. On our first date, we ended back at my place to play Trivia Pursuit. I later found this was a test of my intelligence....thank goodness I passed. It was when Scott sat down that the strangest thing happened. Bear, jumped up on the couch and placed his head in Scott's lap. It was as thought Bear was trying to tell me to give this one a chance. To be honest, I am not sure if it wasn't for Bear if I would have even thought about going out with him again. I guess there are just somethings dogs know that we don't.
 
That brings me to 10 years later. Scott and I are living together and I am an hour away visiting my parents when I receive a text message. It's a photo of Scott holding this tiny orange kitten. Now, i wasn't too shocked as even though we are no cat people, we are humane. This kitten had been outside in the cold for awhile. We had been feeding it and even gave it a safe, warm place to sleep. Apparently, that wasn't good enough. While my husband was getting firewood, this kitten decided to walk right inside, past the dog, and jump up on the couch and take a nap. Despite my attempts to find a home for him, he seemed to nudge his way in our lives and hearts. It took a little longer for Bear to be as open with him but once they learned to live together, things were fine.
 
Then, a year later, my husband and I are watching T.V. when we hear what sounds like a baby screaming. Because at the time, we lived in a not so nice place, we allowed the sound to go on for a few minutes. When we knew it wasn't going to stop, it dawned on us that it wasn't a child but a kitten making this heart wrenching noise. Sure enough, when we opened out front door, we found a kitten, around four to five weeks old. It had been thrown down the steps to our door. In the process, it had broken it's leg, busted three teeth, and peed itself. Needless to say, we couldn't allow it to suffer. So, as i went to get food for the little thing, my husband (a trained EMT), reset the kitten's leg and wrapped it. Bear became very protective of Bandit (the new cat) from the moment she came in our house. I think he knew she was abused and he remembered what that was like. Bear refused to leave her side and though he was too old to jump up on the bed to lay next to her, he did stand guard next to the bed. Every time she would jump down to use the bathroom or explore, Bear was right there to watch out for her.
 
Then a year later, when Bear was 19 1/2, yes you read that right, he passed away from a brain tumor. When we brought home his ashes, Bandit curled up next to him and refused to leave his side. She became his protector and it was obvious she missed him. This was the most heart wrenching and loving thing I have ever seen.
 
Now, all that was to tell you this. Though my husband and I are not cat people, these two cats really did help us through the loss of our dear friend, Bear. However, it is times like this morning where I wonder if maybe we should have tried a little harder to find another home for them. Let me explain.
 
It's 3am. My husband and I are all cozy asleep in bed when Hunter (the orange cat) decided he wants to walk on us and kneed us. In my half awake state, I move him down towards my feet and begin to fall back asleep. I can feel him walking on the bed again, but since I'm almost back in REM state, I don't really care. Then I hear it. The blood curdling screams from the man I love. Apparently, Hunter, decided to use my husband's chest as a scratching post. Trust me, it's bad enough to be scratched by a cat but it's even worse when you're dead asleep and get woken up by razor sharp nails digging into your chest and face. The words I hear coming from the half asleep man next me are too risque to type here, but I am sure you can all get an idea of what he said. So, as my husband gets out of bed to care for the gashes in his chest and face, I have to smile. Not becasue my husband was hurt, but becasue I know that with out these two animals in our lives, I am not sure how we could have ever handled Bear passing away as well as we did. It's funny, we thought we were saving them, but in reality, they saved us......now if I could just get them to behave more like dogs we'd all be happier and my husband would be less scared.
 

 

 

So the treadmill test was the test I was most worried about because I'm seriously not a runner at all. I had my test today so I thought I'd share how it went and what happens to maybe allay some fears. I think the not knowing is half the problem.
 
So I scheduled first thing in the morning, I recommend this so you're not waiting for the people who came in before you to get done. The wait doesn't help my anxiety level. I walked right in to the reception and within 5 minutes I was talking to my technician. Originally, I was crabby because it was a guy and I'm already self conscious. He was great though in spite of telling me that I have short legs and that would make it harder to walk quickly on the treadmill. We talked about the hospital and what I like (the people) and what I hate (their central scheduling/epic software/etc). I was told to wear a baggy shirt and some pants you can really walk in. I was also told not to eat the morning (or 6 hours before the procedure). He lifted my shirt (i still had my bra on), swabbed the places he was going to put the adhesive things that would hold the ekg wires to my body (my first roll and just below my bra) to give a good reading as I laid down on the gurney. They were sticky (obviously) but when they came off they didn't hurt like...oh say duct tape. So between the banter he's telling me about the process. I get my blood pressure taken (which was high for me but not high).
 
So here's the deal, after you're all wired up they put a belt (this belt fits don't worry about it not fitting) on you so that the wires and such don't pull off when you're walking. The blood pressure cuff stays on pretty much throughout and they periodically test your blood pressure throughout. They did not use the automatic one, I'm pleased w/ this because I honestly never have a good reading from those things. It's either really high or no blood pressure at all. So you get off the gurney and on the treadmill, mine didn't have sides, it had a bar you have to hang on to. The overall program is that it steps up both the incline and the speed until your heart reaches it's target rate. In my case, I'm 30 and it's 180 i think (don't quote me). You get on, the treadmill goes immediately to 10% incline and 1.7mph. I think every 2 minutes or so it raises the speed and I think the incline. This isn't some slight increase in speed It goes from 1.7 to 3.2 to 3.7 to 4.2, if your tech is paying attention he might just warn you which helps tremendously, I ended up at a 14% incline. The test goes on as long as you feel you can tolerate or reach the heart rate they want you to reach. The tech said usually people last between 5-8 minutes. I'm not sure if he was saying that to make me feel better but I did make it to 8 minutes. I told him straight out that I can walk up but not fast.
 
The cardiologist came in when I was about to start the test and watch my ekg. He blabbed about his sons gym class and after I got to 3.2 i was not sharing in any conversation because I was huffing and puffing. It's fine though I think the atmosphere left me feeling like i wasn't being watched to fail and "look at the fat girl try to move...." Overall it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. I was worn out but the doctor said he felt that I could probably have gone on longer. I didn't argue it but I seriously, I couldn't have done 4.2 mph, that's closer to running. It's just so uncomfortable to try moving my body that fast. The doctor said he felt I was very healthy and because I've been walking 3 days a week it has helped me keep my heart healthy. All done.
 
 
Within 30 minutes I was out the door and on my way.

Like all epic quests, this one begins in the storied depths of history, when our heroine was just a small child...
 
And that's about the extent of the pseudofantastical writing I can muster. In all seriousness, I've always been a big kid. There's nothing new, or novel, or even remotely unique about that. I don't even remember my first diet, but I do remember this list of lined yellow paper detailing all the wonderful things I'd get if I could just slim my chubby child body to a svelte 80 pounds. Needless to say, I developed an unhealthy view of food and eating at a young age. Add on the fact that food just tasted so damned good and it was a scenario guaranteed to result in a fat adult. Lots of people live fat, healthy lives, though, so what was it that brought me to laying in a gurney with IVs in my hands waiting for a surgeon to take out 85% of my stomach?
 
Yeah, I'm going to have to think about that one.
 
I discovered my first love at an exceptionally young age, when I taught myself to read with the help of the illustrious Sesame Street. While I wouldn't know it for many years, I was (and remain) an introvert. Books filled that mental craving and it wasn't unusual for me to fall asleep surrounded by stacks of them. This love affair continues to this day, but around the time I was 6, I had an experience that would change my entire life.
 
It was at the age of 6 that I had a hands-on experience with my first computer. Some model of Apple ][, our tiny local library somehow procured one. What was even more amazing was that after a small class, they'd let you use it. What's more, use it unsupervised! I had never seen such a thing before and I would have trouble describing or explaining how entranced I was by this collection of circuits, switches, and programming. It was, in short, a kind of magic for me.
 
Around the same time arcades were exploding as the first gaming revolution took hold. I still remember the first time I was taken to an arcade by my parents. My father pressed a token in to my hand and told me I could play whatever I wanted. Any of them! All brightly lit in all their 2 and 4 bit glory with colors and sounds, it was like you could hear the synapses in my brain just fire off and those little nooks and crannies that had never been exposed were instantly and irrevokably hooked.
 
And those four things largely sum up my formative years. When I look at myself today, that is what, undeniably, has made me who I am. Without those things, I can't even imagine what my life would have been like, and I'm glad for it.

I lost -1.1 lbs this week. Nowhere near where I wanted to be. I'm now at 176.8 lbs and next week is my birthday. All I wanted to see was that glorious 169 lbs mark as a birthday present to myself. Just doesn't seem to want to happen on my time. But lately that seems to be the story of my life. I don't like when people play the victim. I feel we are all masters and commanders of our own lives and weight loss journeys. That being said, I've done a terrible job of steering and I feel like I've run my ship aground. I've written a lot about toxic people and time to clean house and surround myself with positive people and energy. But sometimes it's easier said than done.
 
After a very rough weekend last week during the championship water polo tournament, I've made the decision to quit water polo for the duration of this semester. I've had so much going on in my life that when I constantly get questioned and torn down, I have to wonder- am I doing it for myself or just to prove a point? I've proven what I can do. And maybe I will go back in the spring semester- maybe I won't. I'm still trying to swim 3 days a week on lunch, but I once again got back lash from people in my office who think I take too much time to work out and feel it is affecting my work (how, I'm still not sure) and reported me and now I have to cut my workouts down dramatically since I have to check in and out. I've really been feeling defeated lately.
 
I've come to the conclusion that haters are just going to hate. While most people will smile and say good job on your weight loss, many people would rather down play your hard work, tare you down, and even find ways to sabotage you. Some intentionally and some just because they are negative. They are friends, coworkers, associates, etc. In my case it's all of the above. I love my friends and especially those who have really kept me positive, but sometimes you need to close ranks, and build some pretty high emotional walls. I would love to go in to detail and discuss what it was like to have people say that I'm a bad mother for working out, that I'm liar and obviously must have eating disorder or be on drugs (because I haven't told many people I had WLS)... but I'm not. I'm not going to discuss it. I've already cried my tears. Gone through self-pity. And you know what? I'm still going to lose weight, I'm still going to finish school, and I'm still going to be a great and HELATHY mom regardless of what anyone else says. I'm not married, I don't have a partner to share all my intimate details and thoughts with. Being a single mom and going through this journey has really opened my eyes to independence and confidence. I've really looked at other people to inspire me then let them break me down instead. You have to be your own best friend sometimes. You've got to be your own super hero and save yourself.
 
Height: 5'9
 
Highest (Surgery) Weight: 216
 
1st Primary Goal Weight: 169
2nd Optimal Goal Weight: 145
 
Sleeve Journey:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 8/17/12- PreOp/Surgery Day w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2)
Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2)
Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8)
Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 9/17/12- 1 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 5 (9/21): 191.6 (-1.9)
Week 6 (9/28): 190.1 (-1.5)
Week 7 (10/5): 187.0 (-3.1)
Week 8 (10/12): 181.9 (-5.1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 10/17/12- 2 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 9 (10/19): 181.4 (-.5)
Week 10 (10/26): 177.9 (-3.5)
Week 11 (11/02): 176.8 (-1.1)

I'm finally in the 170's!!! I'm so relieved to see the 170's I can't tell you! My primary goal is 169 lbs, and my birthday is in 2 weeks. Today I weighed in at 177.9, which means I'm only 8 lbs away from my goal- most importantly my birthday is in 2 weeks!!!!! I want so badly to make my goal by my birthday, a present I've never really been able to give myself before. I have friends coming to visit me and I'd like to get dressed up in a fabulous tight dress and show everyone AND take pics!! I still haven't told the rest of my social world about my surgery (not really planning too) but I also haven't posted ANY pics since my weight loss started, and now every time someone see's me they kind of freak out a little bit. So I figure my birthday in two weeks is a great coming out party for weight loss pics, and even bigger motivator to get this last 8 lbs off! I can do this!
 
And my NSV this week? NSV... my skinny jeans/pants I bought in Nurnberg, Germany years ago on the Euro size chart at H&M... FIT! Like a glove. Hallelujia! About a size 9/10 on the American standard. Here is my before and after 2.5 months after surgery! Size 16 to size 9/10!!!! Check out the before and after below!!
 

 
Height: 5'9
 
Highest Weight: 216
 
1st Goal Weight: 169
 
 
Sleeved:
(8/17/2012): 216 lbs
 
Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2)
Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2)
Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8)
Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 9/17/12- 1 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 5 (9/21): 191.6 (-1.9)
Week 6 (9/28): 190.1 (-1.5)
Week 7 (10/5): 187.0 (-3.1)
Week 8 (10/12): 181.9 (-5.1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 10/17/12- 2 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 9 (10/19): 181.4 (-.5)
Week 10 (10/26): 177.9 (-3.5)

Well, this week I only lost -.5 lb. ONLY a half a pound after a -5 lbs weight loss last week. But, such is the journey of weight loss. I didn't stall, I didn't gain, and the scale went down, if only a little bit, it still went down. And for that I'm very thankful. I posted my 2 month post op pics on Wednesday, and I am really starting to see a difference. Mostly in the way my clothes are fitting me. Everyday this week I've worn something that had been in my closet collecting dust for years. My next hurdle, is to sit down and really go through EVERYTHING and clean out my closet and organize by size and really start getting rid of stuff. I've held on to so much in fear my weight would go up and down. My closet ranges from size 8 to size 16. Just think of all the closet space for new clothes once I finally get to my ultimate size?! And as for what that size is??? I don't know. Smallest I've ever been was a size 8, and that lasted for a few weeks and yo yo dieted myself up back to a size 16. So maybe size 8? Maybe a size 6? I really don't know. I do know it will be a journey, it won't happen overnight. I'm still wearing my favorite pair of size 10 jeans that I fit into for the first time just a few weeks ago, and they are already starting to get lose on me. Until I get to my first goal weight of 169lbs, I'm really not buying anything new, re-discovering all the old clothes in my closet, and preparing for a mass spring cleaning!
 
Height: 5'9
 
Highest Weight: 216
 
1st Goal Weight: 169
 
 
Sleeved:
(8/17/2012): 216 lbs
 
Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2)
Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2)
Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8)
Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 9/17/12- 1 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 5 (9/21): 191.6 (-1.9)
Week 6 (9/28): 190.1 (-1.5)
Week 7 (10/5): 187.0 (-3.1)
Week 8 (10/12): 181.9 (-5.1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 10/17/12- 2 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 9 (10/19): 181.4 (-.5)

Height: 5'9
 
Highest Weight: 216
 
1st Goal Weight: 169
 
Sleeved: (8/17/2012): 216 lbs
 
Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2)
Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2)
Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8)
Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 9/17/12- 1 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 5 (9/21): 191.6 (-1.9)
Week 6 (9/28): 190.1 (-1.5)
Week 7 (10/5): 187.0 (-3.1)
Week 8 (10/12): 181.9 (-5.1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 10/17/12- 2 Month Anniversary
 
 
**While it doesn't look like I'm getting a ton of definition, I'm actually "de-swelling" pretty evenly and not all from one spot. Everything has shrunk from a size 14 (*cough* more like a 16 *cough*) pre-op to me fitting into my size 10 jeans. I never took measurements, but my clothing is pretty much telling the story for me. And the shorts I'm wearing in my 2 month pic wouldn't even go up my thighs 2 months ago- total NSV and now my favorite pool deck lounging booty shorts. I'm still swimming 5 days a week, and I'm getting really close to my first personal goal of 169, which is the highest allowable weight according to my BMI chart. In 2 weeks I got Halloween, and in 3 weeks my Birthday. I'm really stepping it up in workouts and extra stuff just so that I can be prepared to take pics with friends and be happy, and actually smiling in all my pics. I'm ready for pics with friends finally!!!
 

 

Ok here I sit counting down. And I tell you the wait is almost painful !! I go in 11-14 and do all my appointments. Labs, ekg, chest x-ray, ultrasound, barium swallow, nutritionist and psychiatric.I will expect to hear from the surgery scheduler 11-28. I am currently 5'5 267 and my surgeons goal for me is 155-165.
 
I have told some friends and co workers my plans and I almost always get the same reaction. "Are you sure. Your not that big." I chuckle a bit and ask them have you ever been this weight and most responses are uhm no. I have been big since I was younger and was actually extremely confident 30 lbs ago. Now that confidence is gone and back pain has settled in! I am excited for my journey ahead.

Happpy Birrrthhddaayyyy to meeeee! The greatest present I could have ever given myself? VSG. Period. End of story. I paid out of pocket and went broke for this surgery, and my only regret is that I didn't do this sooner. I've never in my life experienced this kind of weight loss success, the little bit I did came from extreme dieting, deprevation, and I dare say an eating disorder. Nothing ever lasted. I might get excited at a few Weight Watchers meetings than, bam, it would come right back on with in a month or a couple of weeks. I use to be relieved to lose just a few pounds over the course of a month, today I'm now down over -40 lbs since surgery 12 weeks ago. This week I lost an addition -2lbs and yesterday I celebrated my 29th birthday. Normally this event has me plotting out my food plan of attack 2 weeks in advance. I would eat anything and everything and use my birthday as an excuse to binge. This year I did not, and could not. Old habits are hard to break, I even picked up a couple of my favorite go to items, and low and behold my sleeve wasn't having any of it. I felt foolish for even trying.
 
I found a dress (a business bodycon style dress) in my closet that I bought over 2 years ago online. I was overweight but I figured if I lost 20 lbs it might fit and I was in love with the style. When it arrived in the mail I was so deeepresssseeeeddd to learn that even if I lost 20 lbs that dress was NOT going to fit. I felt bad and humiliated as usual, but instead of returning it as I should have, I hung it up, tags still attached and moved it to the back of my closet... because maybe, just maybe one day something magical might happen. Last week I rediscovered it and almost gasped. Could it be?? The dress?! But have I lost enough???? Well, I put it on and bam... it fit. Like a glove. It only took -40lbs! But it fits!
 
I wore it for the first time yesterday on my birthday, then wore it watch Maya Angelou lecture on women in leadership, then proceeded to a dinner date. It wasn't a huge blow out birthday, but it was GREAT. And I felt GREAT. And I felt beautiful. I haven't been able to say that in a long time. I felt beautiful. Today I took the day off from work, and spent have the day at a spa getting a massage and facial, and the other half of the day completely gutting my closet. I literally cleared out HALF of my clothes that are too big for me. My room is a disaster, but I knew that these items had to go. I finished up with a late lunch with my exboyfriend who has been randomly appearing a lot more lately (giggles). Tonight is my birthday party with friends, followed by a going away party for another friend tomorrow night. I'm about to see a whole lot of people I haven't seen in a while and I know there will be LOTS to be said!
 
Birthdays use to be about food, and celebrating with food. This birthday was about celebrating me, and I went a totally different direction. I definitly see more birthdays with Spa Day's involved including a new special birthday outfit. Here's to new beginnings, new bodies, and new traditions. Cheers!
 
Height: 5'9
 
Highest (Surgery) Weight: 216
 
1st Primary Goal Weight: 169
2nd Optimal Goal Weight: 145
 
Sleeve Journey:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 8/17/12- PreOp/Surgery Day w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2)
Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2)
Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8)
Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 9/17/12- 1 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 5 (9/21): 191.6 (-1.9)
Week 6 (9/28): 190.1 (-1.5)
Week 7 (10/5): 187.0 (-3.1)
Week 8 (10/12): 181.9 (-5.1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 10/17/12- 2 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 9 (10/19): 181.4 (-.5)
Week 10 (10/26): 177.9 (-3.5)
Week 11 (11/02): 176.8 (-1.1)
Week 12 (11/09): 174.7 (-2.1)

So I'm in the middle of my first stall. My body and I are in this fight where it wants to do one thing, I want it to do something else, and I am feeling like a newbie just out of the starting zone that stumbled in to end game content.
 
I've always been the type of gamer that loved doing the impossible. Elite mob? No problem. Group of mobs three levels higher? Easy. Explore a zone ten levels too high? I'll run right through it! I'm that person that takes the phrase "You can't do that" as a challenge, not a warning. I'll throw myself at something over and over until I do it or die trying.
 
This has been no different. I'm taking comfort in plans and spreadsheets. I've done the math to show where I'll be next month, and the month after, and the month after that. I've got the next six months of my life planned out. I'm bordering on a near-fanatical, slightly neurotic desire to catalog every little thing. Every drink, every bite of food, every pill. Leave nothing unaccounted for, ever. I'm sure in some regard that this is entirely unhealthy. You see, like most games, this one has an end, too. Everyone can tell me (and I can tell myself) all the platitudes that I've learned from start to finish - marathon, not race, journey, not sprint, lifestyle not diet... but I don't care.
 
This is my end game boss and I'm a one-person forty man raid group. I don't care how many times I wipe, how high my repair bill gets, how much screaming and yelling I have to do to get my group in to shape, this b***h is going down and going down hard.
 
Failure is not an option.

Well I joined Curves last week. I've gone before but lacked motivation. This time I have a new attitude and am motivated. The local Curves has a new owner and sure makes it more enjoyable. It just feels good to get moving and not sleep all the time.

Week 31 and 32
 
Last week’s weight – 193.6
This week’s weight – 191.8
Total weight lost this week – 1.8
 
Beginning weight – 246 lbs
Total weight loss since surgery – 54.2 lbs
 
Sorry for the failure to post last week. My weight stayed the same from week 30 to week 31 (193.6) but dropped in week 32 by 1.8 lbs.
 
I got my period in week 31 and had a major Halloween candy binge (for me… with the sleeve…which was nothing compared to my pre-sleeve Halloween candy binges. Thank. God.).
 
I am a little sick (cold like symptoms) this week but I have stuck to my Crossfit gym routine. I have to say when I stepped on the scale this morning I almost fainted from shock. I was expecting to see more of the same (bouncing between 193 and 195 which I have been doing lately). So seeing 191 on the scale was super exciting. That means I am pretty close to the 180’s. Yay! My goal is 150 (with a fantasy goal of 145).
 
I went to an evening session of Crossfit (I am normally a morning girl) and someone I met when I first joined 2 months ago was impressed by my weight loss since I joined. I haven’t loss that much since I joined Crossfit but I think I must look “toner”. That was a nice compliment to get. It made my evening.
 
Basically I am still trucking along. It is easier to stay on track when I am busy and not as easy to stay on track when I am off schedule (we had a week off for fall break that messed up my eating habits a bit…as in I was eating more).
 
I ran into someone from my husband’s work at the voting poll and she said that my husband had said I had lost a lot of weight….since he never brings it up at home I was surprised he had said anything. He is a great guy who will love me at any size but it is nice to hear that he has been noticing.

A year ago, I would look at people who are the size I am now and think, "Oh, what I would give to be that size!". I just knew I would be full of confidence and that my self esteem would be flying high again. But, now that I am where I was striving to be a year ago (not thin but no longer obese), I'm still not happy with my body. Is this becasue society has told us what is beautiful so many times that we start to believe it? Or, is it much more simpler than that. Is it just that I'm not happy with my body as a whole? Why am I minimizing my success in my head? I know I'm not sabotaging myself, but I also know that when I look in the mirror now, there are parts of my body that I dislike even more now that I've lost weight. Now, before everyone blows up at me, let me explain.
 
I am 110lbs smaller than I was a year ago and aroun90lbs smaller since surgery six months ago. I can look and feel my body and I KNOW it has made tons of positive changes. i also know that even though I mess up with my food intake some times, I have made huge strides in that area as well. For example, this time of year in the past I would have had bough four bags of candy just for my husband and I. To be honest, I ate 3 1/2 of those! Now, I've been very careful. If I do eat a mini bar, it's only one or two for the day and then no more for awhile. I've learned that apples and peanut butter can taste just as good as a Reese's Cup....well, not AS good....but close enough. Plus, the apple doesn't make me feel bad about eating it when I'm done. I also try to exercise when my back will allow. Another huge step.
 
As for my body changes, the pouch over my "lady parts" is so much smaller that when I'm using the bathroom, I marvel that I can see certain parts again. (Sorry if that's TMI). I can now see the numbers on the scale with out having to bend my body all cockeyed when I weigh myself. My arms feel like little girls arms to me when I fold them across my chest and the best part is the way I fit into the area under my husband's arm when he puts it around me. For the first time, his arm goes all around me and can even go down part of my arm. For the first time ever, i feel like I can be that comforted woman in the arms of the man she loves. But, with all the good comes the bad. My boobs continue to try to make their way to the floor. If they continue on their trip, they will be there in a few months and I can turn them into cleaning tools as I walk around the kitchen floor!!! Also, they are much smaller, and I have to admit, I REALLY miss them. (If you read my blog lots, you can see that I say this all the time...I have always had a close relationship to my boobs!!! LOL). The skin under my lady parts and between my thighs continues to look like a bull dog's jowls. My tummy is now wrinkled and I can fold areas of skin and fat over on it. My arms have wings and to really just shock me, I noticed today that my face skin is hanging a little too. I swear, I know it's Halloween, but I do not have any desire to look like a walking melting wax figure!!!!!
 
So, I did what I do and asked myself, "Which would you prefer? Who you were six months ago or who you are now?" No question, hands down, The PERSON I AM NOW!!!!. So what's the problem you may ask? It's simple. I've been overweight my whole life and I always thought that if I lost weight I would have a killer body. But, becasue of my age and the length of time I've been fat (not to mention the inability to exercise the way I would like), my body didn't get my brain's memo and can't just fall back into place.....right now, it can only "fall". Because of this, it adds some negative thoughts in my head about how I look. Now, I know only I and my husband can see my body....and I'm lucky that he loves it the way it is.....but every person I know wants that tight, chest up, butt up, tones arm look!! But for now, I will have to rely on Spanks and the right clothes to hide all these changes....and trust me, I don't mind one bit.

Growing up in the mid Atlantic, I've learned to accept nor-easterns and hurricanes. I've dealt with them my whole life. I even remember helping my father tape up the windows so if they busted out, they wouldn't shatter. Delaware doesn't get a lot of news coverage, but when we make the NY Times, you know we're getting slammed. The arrow is very close to exactly where I live and have lived most of my life. In 1996, I was in N.C for Hugo (I think that's what it was named) and being like any college student, I spent the evening running around in the rain with no care about the lightening or the 100+ year oak trees on campus. I am sure the beer and other drinks didn't help me make good decisions but to be honest, I had a BLAST that night and wouldn't change a thing about it. Looking back, I can't believe I made it home alive that night. The crazy things we do when we are younger!!!!
 
However, none of my experiences could have prepared me for "Sandy". She's more exciting than Olivia Newton John at the end of Geese. The only difference, is this Sandy isn't moving as fast and it appears to be affecting more than only a few high school students. 800 miles wide!!! Moving around 17 miles an hour!!! Winds going from 25MPH up to 80+ by the end of it all. To put it in lay man's terms...this B*^@ch is CRAZY!!!!! She's pissed and she doesn't care who gets in her way. She's worse than any woman who's ever PMSed and far surpasses any woman, after WLS who's PMSing. I mean we can be really bad, but Sandy takes that and laughs at it. She's all hormonal. She had more hormones running through her system than any "person" should....and trust me, I don't like being directly in her path!!
 
So, for now, I sit and wait. We still have over 12 hours before she makes land fall and already our streets are filled with water. I have to admit, I ma very happy I live on the third floor right now. My only concern is this.....if (and I pray it's only an "IF") we lose power, what will I eat? Most of my protein comes from Lean Shakes and right now, I only have two left. I did cook some chicken breasts so that I can nibble on those if I need to. But the WORST part of this is cabin fever. All I want to do is eat. I know it's all in my head, but to be honest, that doesn't make it any easier. So far, I have ignored my cravings and done really well but I've only been locked in the house for a day....I don't know what will happen in a day or so. Then again, maybe I don't have much to worry about...since surgery, I haven't' really had much food in the house. That's something I'm starting to regret right about now....and so is my husband.
 
So, to all of you on the east coast of the U.S. who will be dealing with "Sandy". Stay safe!! Stay dry!!! And remember, nothing is more important than you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

I didn't bring my lunch to work today.  I decided I'd go grab something quick to eat.  There are tons of choices downtown so I started looking at a few menus online.
 
What was supposed to be a quick and easy choice was a bit tough.  The more I looked at menus the more I realized I could not eat half of what was available. Many of the foods I LOVE would result in over half my daily calorie intake.
 
This is why I bring my lunch.  I was a bit frustrated.  How oh how can a small salad be over 500 calories???
 
Needless to say, I opted out of eating out.  I really want to get some protein in but I just couldn't spend money on something that would not even be within my plan.  Instead I grabbed a serving of Special K crackers, and a fruit cup. 
 
Do I feel fully satisfied?  NOPE!  But, I'm not hungry either.  There is one more fruit cup here but I'm going to continue drinking my water and try to hold out until I get home.  There at least I have healthy snack options. 
 
I won't be doing this again.  I'm also going to bring some snacks to work so if I happen to forget, I'm not stuck.

Started back on liver shrinking diet yesterday, thought i would be ok but wasn't, because i have had some wws puddings etc i found i was really hungry yesterday and have a headache due to lack of sugar and carbs.
I had my flu jab yesterday and don't usually have a reaction but feel really yuk today.
Rang up dri yesterday to see if my blood test results were back, and was told by one person they will be back on the 29th but the pre op assessment nurse said it could be weeks.
all the bariatric team are off until 1st nov, but the preop nurse said she will contact me if the results are back before then.
So here i am again shrinking the liver in the hope that i can be fitted in if there is a cancellation if my tests are back and i only need a vit K injection, but if i find i have to wait longer can go off the preop diet, but then the pain will begin again, when i start again.
I read today that God doesn't break a bruised reed, am feeling very bruised, but God knows best.
Mom was supposed to come home today but was told today it will be early next week now, she is going to be so upset, i am too, all this waiting and dissapointment is really testing, don't understand why, but such is life.
I am even more determined to get my operation, if i ever had any doubts, i don't now, i am ready for my sleeve NOWWWWWWWWWWWWW, lol, God give me strength.
Found a great web page yesterday, bariatriccookery.com if any one wants to take a look, it has some great post op recipies.
Keep up the good work friends, it will all be worth it when we get to our healthier small selves, meanwhile i will keep on learning from all of the great people on this forum, xxx

We had hubbies mom's funeral yesterday, i was dreading it, but with my sons and the eldest sons girlfriend with us we did ok.
We went out for the day today, just hubby and me to our favoroute seaside town, Scarborough, it was strange to be on our own, but it is just another thing we will have to get used to and we did have a lovely day.
I decided to have a few days of my liver shrinking diet , there is no chance of a cancellation until after the 29th oct, the day i should get my blood test results so i figured i would have a few foods that i know i won't be eating for a long while.
I am starting back on the diet strict on monday, to be ready for the op any time in november.
I was surprised to find that i can not eat as much as i could do and actually knew when i had had enough, the pre op diet has done me some good.
I had a fish today, in batter, and 2 toffee apples, the red toffee ones and really enjoyed them.
My mom should be home next tues or wed so we have been busy moving things around for her new equimpment and are going to clean her bungalow tomorrow afternoon so it is nice and fresh for her homecoming.
When my operation was delayed i was devastated and so down, but now i can see that in God's plans it was for my good.
I was very close to my mom in law and it hit me harder than i thought it would and can now see how difficult it would have been to have my op just after she had died and to then have to go to the funeral would have probably been too much for me.
I have been very fatigued with the grief, the fibromyalgia has been bad and at least now i get time to recover, but i am so ready for my op now.
My sister had her operation the day after i was due to have mine, and has just got back the lab results, it is great news, they got all the cancer cells and she only had one cell in her lymph nodes which was removed, she will have radio therapy and be on tablets to stop the cancer coming back for 5 years, but it was caught early and they expect her to make a complete recovery, so happy for her and her partner.
The autumn is really well and truly here now, the misty cold mornings with the crisp chill in the air and all the trees have turned into living fireworks of golds, oranges, reds and browns, they are a delight to the eyes.
Next week we put our clocks back in the uk and it will be getting darker an hour earlier, we have long cosy dark evenings to look forward to, and then christmas.
I am not a bit bothered wether i will be on liquids or soft food by then, i just want to have the operation and get on with loosing the weight and keeping it off.
Some people are beginning to notice how much weight i have already lost, i have gone from a size 34 to a 28 and all my clothes are very loose on me, much more comfortable than been tight.
Some are saying that i don't need the op now because i am doing so well, but i am not listening, i am loosing weight to have the operation so that this time i will loose the weight and keep it off for life, i wont have a huge stomach and be hungry all the time, but it is hard to get some normal size people to understand this.
Hope everyone else is doing well, we are doing this because we need to, want to and with the tool of a sleeve we can all change our lives for the better, keep up the good work everyone,

i had a phone call today to tell me there is a problem with the clotting in my blood, i have to go for more blood tests on monday and then wait 2 weeks for them to be processed, then the surgeon will consult with the blood specialist to see if i can have my operation.
15 years ago i had my gall bladder out by keyhole and the day before the op they found my blood was too thin and had a problem with clotting, they did some calculations and i still had my op.
When i got home i saw my gp for another blood test and he said my results where fine.
I have waited 3 xs as long for this op and worked so hard to loose weight i feel really fed up.
I know it is better to wait and check out my blood, but it is just so dissapointing, and i will have to do another 2 weeks on the 800 cal a day diet, can i scream
I have had a tandori mixed grill and some chocolate, but will get straight back to healthy eating tomorrow, but 1200 cals and not 800. it will be luxury, :wub:
Everything will work together for my good, still trusting in God, one day soon i will be sleeved.

I am going to have to ring my nurse, i was told i would need to go into hospital the day before because of the diabetese been controlled by injections, but, on the letter that came today i am to be admitted at 11am on the day of my op.
It also said for the by pass and yet i told them i wanted the sleeve, am puzzled, but will have to wait until monday to talk to anyone seeing as it is 4.15 on a friday afternoon.
Had a very stressful morning with mom, still very confused, sat and listened to 5 hours of mixed up memories from mom, really hope these antibiotics get on top of the infection and she gets her mind back soon.
The hunger is under control more now, and i am able to stick to the 800 cals and ercord it with fitness pal, which is a great app on my tablet pc.
I am aware that i need to be sttrong over the weekend, and then it will be one week done, and one week to go.
Now i must sleep and relax, zzzzzz

Week 30
 
Last week’s weight – 194.6
This week’s weight – 193.6
Total weight lost this week – 1
 
Beginning weight – 246 lbs
Total weight loss since surgery – 52.4 lbs
 
Surprised I lost 1 lb this week mainly because I had one of those “I’m tired of constantly thinking about what goes in mouth” week and pretty much said “the heck with it!” I ate poorly the majority of the week. Maybe that shocked my system?!?! Who knows. I did A LOT of medicine ball squats at Crossfit and someone told me that a good leg workout burns more calories than any other muscle group in the body. Maybe that contributed to my loss this week? Whatever…I will take it.
 
Bottom line is I am getting closer to getting out of the 190’s. It definitely feels like a slow process to get out of there though.
 
I have semi shelved the vitamix idea (unless I happen to come across one that is priced really really well).
 
I did come to the realization that week that I am officially not a huge fan of vanilla protein powder. I bought a tub from Unjury and I’m not loving it. In their defense I didn’t like the slimfast vanilla protein drink either. I made a drink the other day with oj, vanilla protein powder, and frozen berries and I am thankful I looked in the mirror before I left for school because I had seeds from the berries all over my teeth from drinking it. I do like their chocolate splendor and strawberry sorbet and I usually drink two a day (for a total of 40 grams of protein).
 
I still avoid soda but I have indulged here and there. I drink it very slowly and I never can finish one.
 
There isn’t one particular food I avoid because it bothers my pouch. I can pretty much eat anything at this point but in smaller amounts. I don’t experience hunger like I did prepouch which is AWESOME. I’m becoming ambivalent about food and don’t feel the need to eat until I am stuffed. At week 30 I am still very glad I had the procedure done!

Week 29
 
Last week’s weight – 195.8
This week’s weight – 194.6
Total weight lost this week – 1.2
 
Beginning weight – 246 lbs
Total weight loss since surgery – 51.4 lbs
 
A bit surprised I lost weight this past week primarily because I spent the weekend up in the mountains for a wedding and there was a lot to eat and drink. I’m crediting the weight loss with the higher altitude and two days of hiking.
 
I’ve been waffling between 195 – 197 for the past few weeks so it was nice to see 194.something on the scale. I tried to take a picture of my scale but the first time the flash was too bright and the second time my batteries died!
 
I’m still doing Crossfit 3x a week and I’ve been getting a lot of compliments on how skinny I look even though I have not lost any pounds (I will have been doing Crossfit for 2 months as of next week). I haven’t checked my inches yet but will do so at the beginning of November to see what the affect of Crossfit has been on that. I do feel myself getting stronger and I can last longer and scale back less on the exercises.
 
Right now my big obsession is with a Vitamix blender. I have been looking at them on and off since I visited my mother (who has one) this past summer. I have been saving up (they are ridiculously expensive!). My only concern is would I use it. I make shakes in the morning for breakfast and it would be nice to add some veggies into it and my current blender can’t handle it but would I use it beyond that? This is something I am struggling with. I may take a road trip to our local Costco to see a demo in the hopes it would sway me one way or the other.
 
Does anyone have a vitamix and use it often after WLS?

Week 28 (7 months)
 
Last week’s weight – 195.8
This week’s weight – 195.8
Total weight gained/lost this week – 0
 
Beginning weight – 246 lbs
Total weight loss since surgery – 50.4 lbs
 
I need to have a serious “talk” with myself. I am not happy with this yo-yoing I am going through. Currently my weight is fluctuating between 197 – 195.8. I know this is due to a lack of focus. I hit the 50 lb mark and now I am not as motivated or as focused as I was.
 
My worst time is after work. I am bored or avoiding house work. That is when I munch and drink.
 
This is what I ate yesterday –

16 oz of water
Slimfast ready made drink with 20 grams of protein
Walked into a training where the trainer had Halloween candy. I ate 6 small twix and 3 whoppers (not hungry it was just there).
Cream of Chicken soup at hand
Crystal Light Lemonaid with 20 grams of protein (added strawberry protein stuff from Unjury)
Dinner with friend at Outback
Firefly Lemonaid Drink (had a few sips and then took home and finished later)
Ceaser Salad
Chicken Flatbread Pizza Appetizer (ate one slice and then took the rest home which I ate later)
[*]Finished rest of flatbread pizza (shared 3 slices with husband) and drink
[*]Ate a bunch of pistachio nuts (not hungry – bored while watching TV – avoiding laundry)
[*]Ate a bunch of dried mangos (not hungry – bored while watching TV – avoiding laundry)


 
I did work out in the morning – Crossfit.
 
In hindsight I should have not ordered the drink. I should have avoided the Halloween candy. I should have had the croutons taken off my salad. I should have drunk more water. I should have avoided the pistachio and dried mangos. Ugh….I stepped on the scale this morning and yup I was up from 195.8 to 197.2 (not counting it because I only record weight on Wednesday).
 
Need to be more mindful about my eating and drinking this week.

Forgot to mention in my last blog post that I got a new haircut. Here is a picture of all the sides. Note my skinner face
 
Now I need to do something about the skin damage I have due to too much time in the sun (too many brown spots!).

I've noticed something and I can't quite figure it out.  Every AM (usually around 7) for breakfast I have a protein shake (Syntrax Nectar) in which I add - Greek yogurt, 1 c. almond milk, 1 Del-Monte fruit cup.  I blend and then sip (yes still this is a challenge).
 
This keeps me full all AM (even through my commute where I walk and stand a lot).  Usually by the time I feel hungry it is between 12:15 - 12:30 PM.  However, I've tried having the same thing for lunch and it is a no go.
 
If I have the shake for lunch (12:30 PM) I am literally starving by 3 PM.  I'm not sure why this doesn't keep me full in the afternoon.  I'd like to get to the point where I can do 2 shakes and a small dinner. 
 
I like the feeling after the shake (feel satisfied but not weighed down) but it is such a no go twice in one day.  Anyone experience this?  Any suggestions?
 
I'm not trying to do this every day, but on my busy days I just don't always have time for a full sit down lunch.

just spent 45 mins typing an update and poof, when i tried to preview it and edit a word it dissapeared
basically, still waiting for blood test results, really fed up of waiting, not got my hopes up to have my op in november any more.
Today i have cast my cares on the Lord and will have my op when He gives me the date, He knows best.
I know i still want my sleeve, and will restart the liver shrinking diet when i have a new date for my sleeve.
I am not concerned if it is just before christmas, any time soon will be ok with me, i was motivated and ready for oct 9th and can do it again, but this time without the problem of my blood it will be safer.
Hope everyone is doing well, sleeved or to be sleeved, God Bless, xx