Leslie Hudson-Couch

Over the weekend, the hubby and I took a little road trip down to Galveston Texas to tour the new Pleasure Pier. If you aren't from our area, let me explain. Galveston has many piers that jut out into the gulf. One had a hotel on it. After Hurricane Ike demolished what was left of the pier and building, the question of what to do with the space came up. So, Galveston put a carnival like space out onto the pier. There are restaurants, a merry go round, roller coaster, log ride etc. as well as all the fun carnival games you remember from childhood. The place just opened this summer and we'd been too busy prior to this past Sunday to go down and look it over.
 
So, we started our afternoon sitting in the bar of the Bubba Gump Shrimp company enjoying some Cajun steamed shrimp, cold Shiner and people watching (my favorite sport). The place was packed, the staff was busy and the people watching was awesome. One customer was getting on the bartender's nerves to the point I was ready to open bets regarding who was gonna win the inevitable brawl (the bartender was a cute little blonde chick, about 100 pounds soaking wet). The brawl was everted by a smart manager who found an open table - far away from the bar- for the obnoxious customer.
 
In any event, I digress.
 
I ended up going to the toilet during our time @ Bubba Gump. Washing my hands afterward, I glanced into the mirror and almost laughed out loud. I was not the biggest chick in the mirror!! No disrespect to the other women in the toilet intended, this blog is after all, all about me and my journey.......but for the first time in a very long time, I was not the biggest chick in the bathroom !!!!. I did contain myself and stifled my laughter (they would have had me hauled out for insanity if I just burst into hysterical laughter after looking in the mirror) but I did giggle all the way down the stairs and back to the bar. Taking my seat on the bar stool by my hubby, he asks what happened in the bathroom.....and I told him. He just shook his head and laughed with me.
 
Again, I am amazed when I think of all the sad, little conditioning that has occurred over my 20+ years of obesity. Until Sunday, I wasn't aware that every time I was in a room, I was scanning to see if I was the fattest chick there........and sad to say, many times I was - the fattest chick in the room. All of the subconscious bull shit I've done to myself over the years continues to simply appall me. And it was so undeserved. I've always said being fat is 1) NOT a character flaw and 2) if that number was my IQ rather than my weight, we'd be excited!!! And I've believed that......but yet, here I was comparing myself to others and beating myself up without even knowing it.
 
Well, the beatings end here!.........let the love-in begin!!!

We've been in a fairly stress filled situation the past few months, and recently it has gotten more so. Stress isn't related to my surgery or weight loss........is related to other family issues. Nothing tragic, just stressful.
 
So Wednesday evening, I told my hubby he had to get me outta this house........and being the wonderful charming chap he is......he did. I was just tied in knots and needed to blow off some steam. I don't have any girlfriends that I can share this with, so unfortunately for the hubby, he gets to play that part.
 
In any event, I digress.
 
So, we're riding down the road in his truck, he turns and asks "What do you want to eat?" I replied, "Does it really matter? I'll eat 4 bites and that'll be the end." And, we laughed..........and went for his favorite food......MEXICAN!
 
So, we're sitting in this Mexican cantina, listening to the pitiful "live" music for Wednesday night and it happened.........
 
I found myself wishing I could just stuff myself with food (chips, queso, salsa) and beverage (code word for Dos Rita - Dox Equis beer inverted in top shelf Margarita!) so............(now this was an eye opener for me)........I could FEEL BETTER!!!
 
OMG!!!!! It's been 1 1/2 months since surgery and not once has that thought crossed my mind. Typically, I'm giggling at being the world's cheapest date, but somehow with all this stress, I WANTED to EAT and DRINK.
 
I can't (stuff me with food and drink) and I gotta say it is so good to be saved from myself. But it does leave me wondering....is this part of how I got fat in the first place. I know it is, part of it. I can look back at food journals and see I dove off the wagon in times of great stress, usually self directed hatred at my own short comings.........and then the cycle started up.
 
What to do with this new self discovery? How do I fill the space gluttony used to take in my life? More so, do I fill that space?
 
Maybe the space where gluttony used to live.............is kinda like when I clean out my closet. I clean out what I don't want any more so I have room for all the new, cool, groovy, awesome stuff I want now.
 
Or maybe I just leave it as a reminder that it leads somewhere I just don't want to go..........like those ugly, ugly jackets with the linebacker shoulder pads from the 80s!

So close yet so far. I have been on a two week stall. It’s crazy. I am really trying hard not to freak out. I have been under a lot more stress lately. About a month ago, my older brother had heart failure. It was really scary. They were not sure if he was going to make it…but he did…now he is living with me…for now.
 
My brother is morbidly obese, drank heavily, and was not taking his high blood pressure meds. Since moving in, he has gotten the blood pressure under control, quit drinking because now he can’t or it will kill him, and he has loss 30 lbs. in 30 days! As a heart patient myself, it was easy for me to tell him what he needed to change in his diet and near death experiences can be pretty motivating. But it made me a little sad that I could not stick to my own advice 5 years ago which lead me to having WLS to begin with. Then again, as I watched his pain and fear, I realized that I made the right decision for myself 6 months ago. I will be honest with you…there was the little bit of doubt in the back of my mind up until that day…could I have done it on my own…maybe I could had…No…watching him there in the hospital bed with all the machines and the wires and the doctors…No…I could not have done this on my own. If I did not take this step, that could have been me all over again. My weight and my eating habits were slowly killing me. I did not do this to look thin. I did this because I wanted to live…and live well…and live happy and so now I am living well and happy for the first time in my life.
 
But back to my stall, this has been the longest stall so far. I really should not complain because I am 4’ 11’ and 123 lbs with according to the BMI chart I am NORMAL!!!! I passed my personal goal of 130 about 3 weeks ago but I am 3 lbs shy of my doctor’s goal. I really wanted to be there by this Friday for my 6 month follow up.
 
I did finally join a gym last week but I have only gone once…I feel out of place there…so many mirrors. Still not used to seeing myself. Also…tee hee…when I went to the gym several men were checking me out…tee hee. Not used to that either. I am definitely going today. I am hoping to lose at least 1 lb before I Friday.

I was in the process of writing this very depressing blog about my chronic back pain when I had to use the bathroom. I decided when I was done that I should weigh myself as I haven't done that in awhile. Now before I go on, you have to understand that the past month has been nothing but pain filled. My meds have not helped me and I have not been able to go for normal walks...who am I kidding, i haven't really walked at all. Walking from the bedroom to the living room can almost bring me to tears (and I don't cry from pain). Dealing with this pain can bring even the strongest person down. I know, I've been dealing with it for almost 18 years. Now, I don't tell you that to get your sympathy. I tell you to get you to understand that getting on the scale was the best thing I could have done for my emotional well being today.
 
Today, the scale said 240.2. That is fifty nine pounds down in nine weeks. I had to take a second look. I remember getting on the scale nine months ago and seeing it up to 330 (my heaviest). Seeing that scale today, and the amount I have lost, is exactly what I needed to make me feel a little better. I am not saying that the numbers took away my pain. Trust me, it did not. But it did help with my mood. I walked out of the bathroom, sat back down at the computer with the heating pad on full blast for my back and erased my depression felt blog post about my pain and not being able to work out. I have since written this. A much more up beat blog post about losing the weight I have struggled with for years and years. It's funny how seeing a few pounds leave can be so inspirational.
 
Now, I have no funny things to add. No real words of inspiration. To be honest, the pain is still making it difficult to sit here and type. What I will say is this. I am pretty sure my day will be much better now that I decided to get on the scale today (first time in over a week). I have no idea when I could have ever said those words and truly meant them. For years, the scale is what caused my days to be worse. Not anymore. Getting sleeved is the best decision I've ever made!

This is from a blog I have on WordPress. I started this on July 16, 2012. I'm just trying to bring you up to speed with my journey.....
 
 
07/16/2012
 
 
So I did not think I would be writing anything this soon... I figured tomorrow evening at the earliest but probably not until Wed or Thurs. However, the surgery devils had other plans!
 
 
First you need to know that, while I am a very easy going, even tempered kinda lady, I am also very anal and like to know which row my ducks are in!! Having said that, I went last week to make sure all my ducks were quacking in harmony. Talked to everyone you are supposed to talk with and had all my testing done. So, knowing I have really good insurance and that I asked all the right questions, I thought nothing more about that part of it....until today.
 
 
I get a call from a very pleasant woman about 1:30/2:00 telling me I have to pay a hellatious amount of money BEFORE I can have my surgery in the morning. I now know what it feels like to be hit with a ton of bricks. She also, very graciously, asks me if my finances were okay. I decided (somewhere in the fog) that it would be prudent of me to call her back, especially since I could no longer breath.
 
 
Now I know that there are a select few people who may have an extra bundle laying around but that is not my case. While my husband and I are not in the poor house, we can see it down the road so, no, my finances are not okay for this kind of unexpected onslaught. So as I sit there, in shock, crying and hyperventilating (okay so maybe I'm stretching it just a bit for dramatic value), I am texting and calling anyone I can think of, as is my dear husband. My sister-in-law, very sanely, tells me to call them back and set up a payment plan.... duhhhh....oh wait, they won't because, although its going to save my life, it is considered an elective surgery. I had to chuckle at that one. Obviously, whoever makes these rules has never been in my situation but I digress.
 
 
After a couple of back and forth conversations, my wonderful, could not ask for better, in-laws said that they would pay for me. Of course, I am paying them back but I can NEVER express to them how eternally grateful I am to them and to my wonderful husband who got that ball rolling. I love them all so much that words just really do not do it justice. I have been so blessed by this family that I thank God every day for them.
 
 
So I can, once again, breath (well as good as I ever do) and can enjoy my evening with my husband and sister-in-law. Thank you to all who have expressed their well wishes and sent prayers.... love and hugs to you all!!!

I have decided to go on an adventure. It was a huge decision on my part because it is a life changing and body altering choice. First, I think a little back ground is needed.
 
I have always been a "big girl" although, looking at pictures, not always as big as I thought. I actually prefer the term "BBB - Big Bodacious Broad" but that's just me! I have always been comfortable in my own skin. I was always active and a full participant in my life until a few years ago. Over the course of the years, I have had many, many stomach surgeries since my twins were born (that would be 25 years!). I realize that there are a lot of "always" but there really is no other way for me to say it.
So this brings me to July 2009. I had two major surgeries in two weeks due to intestinal strangulation. This was a tremendous "wow" moment for me for many reasons. The main one was my dear husband. We had only been married for six months when this happened. Not only did I have these two surgeries but the next month, due to an infection, they actually had to do another surgery and leave my stomach open for over eight long months. I was connected to a wound vac and it was less than fun. This greatly impacted our life as you can well imagine.
 
As it turned out, I had to have more surgery to close my stomach but the surgeon would not do it until I stopped smoking. I smoked for over 35 years so this was no small request but I think I was actually ready to stop. I took that medication (which shall remain nameless) that, in my opinion, is a miracle cure for smoking. Contrary to some reports, I had no side effects. Within ten days, I was done and able to have my closure surgery.
 
I was doing fantastic!! I was breathing well, losing weight, helping to mow the yard, and actually walking. Shortly after this, we moved back to Texas, which I was totally stoked about because my kids and grandkids were all here. As it turned out, though, it was a bit stressful at first and I began smoking again. Not a good excuse and I knew I could not do that to myself so I decided to take my miracle medication again and again it worked like a charm.
 
Well, okay, so there was one small issue this time. I was sitting at work and my hands started hurting. I looked down and literally watched myself blow up like a balloon. Apparently, the medication was reacting with another one I had started taking. From February to April of 2011, I gained over 60 pounds. The total since then is over 80 lbs and its all fluid. I have done everything that I have been asked to do but nothing has worked.
 
So here we are to today, July 16, 2012. In 24 hours, I will be having a surgery called the gastric sleeve. I am very excited about this and cannot wait to have my life back. It will be a huge change in how my husband and I live our life, especially for the first few months. First off, I really won't be eating for awhile. My husband is a fantastic cook and it will be as hard on him because we are foodies. I'm not really worried though. I'm so looking forward to, first, being able to breath and, second, hopefully, not being in so much pain every day. All the fluid has made breathing a huge issue for me. I'm asthmatic so not a good thing.
 
At 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning, I will be happily, excitedly and enthusiastically going under the knife. I am going to continue to blog about my progress, not only for myself, but, hopefully, to help someone else along the way. I also am going to post a picture of me now which is a HUGE issue for me because as much as I am comfortable being me, I am not happy with me physically right now. But changes are a coming!!!
 

 

I had my surgery on July 10th. I had three full weeks of thin and thick liquids and am moving into the pureed stage (FINALLY). For me the physical aspect of the surgery has been going very well. I am healing great, my surgical glue and scabs have all fallen off and I am starting vitamin E oil to minimize the scarring. I do have some problems in the morning. I am tired, a bit turned off of eating or drinking anything, and feel yucky overall. I have been told that it is my body adjusting to my new smaller stomach and that it will pass. I did feel better this morning than I have in the past week and a half.

My biggest struggle is the emotional rollercoaster that followed the surgery. The day after I was released I was sent to the emergency room with as it turns out...severe panic attacks. I only found this out after 18 hours in ER and another trip via ambulance the next day. Three weeks out and I still have mild panic attacks, but they get better each day. Xanax helps a lot. I went from taking 3 a day when first diagnosed to just one a day (yeah me!).

The other side of this for me was the sadness and depression. I was depressed before my surgery due to the emotional trauma of being obese, but after the surgery I started to have depression spirals...bad ones. I would cry several times a day, I couldn't think positive to save my life. I went to both my doctor and a psychologist and they said that emotional turbulence is normal the first couple of weeks to a couple of months. Part of it is due to the fact that I just hit my life physically and emotionally with a big Mack truck, my relationship to food which had been a security blanket to me had changed, and as fat is consumed by the body the stores of estrogen in the fat is released causing more moodiness.

The biggest hurtle I have faced is dealing with "buyer’s remorse". Knowing that my life will NEVER be the same again can be very scary, but I know in the end it will be wonderful. I just have to get past what I am calling "hell weeks" After upping my antidepressants a little bit; I am getting better at focusing on all the benefits that are heading my way as a result of the surgery. It will be a long road, but I know that the emotional turmoil is perfectly normal, and above all...temporary. I just take it one day at a time.

So I thought I'd begin my blog by talking about what my life was like leading up to the surgery. My story is probably quite similar to many of yours. I have been overweight since I hit puberty at age 11. In that same year I was molested by someone I trusted and there was never any resolution. All of that coupled with the fact that my family (especially the southern - Mississippi family) did not have any restrictions on how much or what we ate, I was doomed from the start. I ate my way through middle school and high school. I was always the fat kid; the girl picked last and picked on. During this time, I moved around a lot. My mom and stepdad (who raised me) were getting divorced, my mom was on Meth, and life at home was hard so I tried living with family in Montana, Oregon, and Mississippi. And through it all I ate.
 
High school was particularly troubling. I never had a boyfriend; I was ostracized by the other students at school. I was very unpopular due to my weight. I went to my prom...alone. All I wanted was to be accepted, but no one could see past the fat. My one saving grace was that I was smart and graduated with honors. I was now living in Las Vegas with my Step Dad Brian (who raised me and who I consider to be my Dad). He encouraged me to eat better, but after years of overeating, it was easier said than done. College made it worse. I started at community college and worked a full time job at the same time. Needless to say, my eating habits took a dive in college due to my busy and stressful schedule. I had moved out, took on a second job, and transferred to the university. In my desperation and loneliness, I started seeing a married man (one of the single biggest regrets I have in my life).
 
After college, I got a job working for the local cable company, but always felt like an outcast because of my weight which had spiked at 255. Then my doctor turned me on to South Beach. At first it worked great! I lost nearly 65 pounds. I started feeling better...but as with every diet I tried, I started to plateau, got frustrated and the rate of loss, and fell back into poor eating habits. To make matters worse, during the plateau I was out of work for 4 months due to the recession and gained all the weight I had lost back and then some.
 
I finally found a new job in HR at one of the casinos and tried to get back on track with healthy eating. I gave up eating from any restaurant with a drive through and gave up drinking soda. It worked at first and I got back down to 255, but it was short lived. My office was right across from the employee dining room and all the free lattes I could drink and brownies I could eat. In the course of a year I ballooned up to 268 pounds. My company started to offer onsite weight watchers programs so I joined up with my best friend of 14 years and we started to lose weight. She lost 60 pounds, I lost 10. Frustrating right? So I went back to good old South Beach which I had success on before. I didn't lose more than 20 pounds. I was getting very down and for a time completely gave up on myself. I started eating fast food and drinking soda again. I figured that I was one of those people who couldn't lose weight and why bother fighting it.
 
I had flirted with the idea of weight loss surgery for about 8 years up to this point but always had a reason why not to do it. Then I had 2 major wake up calls, the first is I developed sleep apnea as a result of my weight. If you have ever had this you know how terrifying it can be to be jolted awake in the ***ht, heart pounding, gasping for breath. My doctor said the only way to get rid of it was to lose weight. The second wake up call came when I had an appointment with my OB GYN. My period had gone from a 4 day light flow to a 30+ day light, then heavy, then light flow. As it turned out I had developed menorrhagia. To top it off, my ovaries had stopped regularly producing an egg. To put it bluntly, my weight was making me unable to have children. I never realized how much I wanted kids until I was told I couldn't have them...unless I lost weight.
 
My weight had skyrocketed to 285 pounds and I knew that if I didn't make a PERMANENT change that my life would be short and unhappy. Enough was enough. I started getting serious about the surgery option and doing a lot of research. Then after a year, I had sleeve surgery on July 10, 2012. It was time for a change. I chose the sleeve over the band because I knew myself well enough to know that I would probably chicken out at some point and have the band removed and balloon right back up to where I had been before. With the sleeve, I took that option away. I needed something permanent! I now have 2 birthdays, the day I was brought into this world, and the day my new life began…July 10th, 2012.

So, I'd say I'm PRE-pre-op. I'm terribly obese. I can't even tell you how obese because my doctor doesn't have a scale that goes that high. He hasn't had a scale that goes high enough... for a while. I'll be 32 in exactly 20 days and I've been fat my whole life. I've never been happy about that. I've never been proud of it. In fact, I've mostly tried to ignore it and hope everyone else does too. I've literally been the elephant in the room.
 
I considered surgery so many times in my life. But, I don't know, there was something nagging in the back of my mind saying that surgery was a bad idea. For whatever reason, I decided that I need to do something now. I've already "wasted" so much of my life being fat - because, sadly, I am a total hermit and don't go out, therefore have been single for WAY too long. I have zero confidence when it comes to men. Furthermore, I don't even like the idea of having someone touch me right now. I disgust myself. I know that might come off as totally self-loathing, but I really don't hate myself. I hate my situation. I want to change it. As someone who has tried to keep blinders on about it for years, I actually think it's the healthiest thing for me to look at myself through a strangers eyes. I'm no longer some chubby girl who's still kinda cute. I'm FAT. I don't want to be anymore!!
 
So, looking around at the various surgical options, I think I really want VSG. I talked to my PCP on a visit 2 weeks ago about surgery and he said we can get started so the insurance will approve it. He's referred people for it before, people with similar insurance as mine. At this last visit, I was also officially diagnosed with high blood pressure (160/90) and he put me on meds to bring it down. I go see him again Monday, and I have a whole bunch of questions written out for him. I've been seeing him for years and he respects me (I think) and he knows I have some medical knowledge (I'm a health insurance underwriter - YES, I'm probably that jerk you hate that declined you coverage) so I'm really hoping to get a better understanding of how the process works and what I can do to speed the process along. I got a referral to a Nutritionist from him on my last visit, I'm calling them tomorrow to schedule an appointment. (the referral came in the mail today - NO, I promise I haven't been procrastinating since 2 weeks ago!!)
 
I'M SO NERVOUS!!! I talked to my best friend about it last weekend and she wasn't as supportive as I thought she'd be. She's also overweight, but not nearly as much as I am. Despite the fact that we've shared with each other multiple times how unhappy we are with our weight, I really think she sees WLS negatively. She's the kind of friend who will support me anyway, but I just feel like deep down, she thinks I'm making a mistake - and that bums me out. Then again, I was one of those surgery nay-sayers 3 weeks ago, so I can also understand that A, the news was probably a shock and B. I could be projecting. She's got serious issues of her own to deal with, so maybe I'm putting too much value into the conversation!
 
I told my mom about it today. She was so happy for me! She's also overweight and said, "I've been wanting to do something like that too, but I'm too scared to take the plunge!! I'll let you go first - PAVE THE WAY!" I wish I had talked to my mom before I talked to my friend!!! (Isn't that how it always goes? lol) Anyway, Mom agreed to take good care of me post-op, so I got that part taken care of, albeit incredibly premature.
 
I realize I've barely dipped my toes in this whole process and I'm already so anxious to do this! I want my life to change. I want to go through what everyone describes here - the ups, the downs, the highs, the lows - I just want to turn my whole life around so I can go run down the street if I want to, or not have to worry about if there's a close parking spot or if that friend's house has a bunch of stairs.. OR ICE IN THE WINTER!! Ugh! I swear, FAT GIRL NITEMARE is falling on some ice and it's impossible to GET UP!! lol - gotta keep a sense of humor about these things, right?
 
Anyway, I really look forward to this journey. I hope I can stick to it, I hope I can get this done... wish me luck! Hope to find some cool people with a sense of humor to get through this process with on this site, and IRL.