Angelmom

Well, I figured out how to post a new entry!!! I was going to give up, but gave it another try and found the button. Yippee.
 
Yesterday, I found myself feeling guilty a bit because I am unable to lose the weight and keep it off, in my current state. I felt a bit sad that I have to have surgery, but I know it's the right thing. At the beginning of this round of 2 week liquid diets, I was so upset because I was not able to eat beforehand, and was broke, etc...and the roller coaster of emotions was rampant. Now, I am feeling much better, but I want to eat all the time...and right now, it's pizza--brought on by the left over I took out of the freezer to give to my boy-who had a hard day at school. I have also been wanting an egg McMuffin...and just saw the commercial...ugh...I am hungry, and now I'm really toeing the line. I have been scared about surgery, and have worked to settle my fears by reminding myself that my children have had innumerable surgeries, and I assured them they'd be ok...and they were. I trust the surgeons and staff with their lives, and of course, must trust them with my own life! I hear and see myself telling my son that he is ok, that he is not going to die...and somehow my own mind and heart hears it...like a mom taking care of me...me taking care of me!!! Imagine that!
 
Anyway, my surgery is in 2 days!! 2 Days!!!! Can you believe that??!!! Finally!!
 
I have been sad that I could not eat at the diner that my sister owned before she took off to wherever and never came back--it openned and I didn't get to go there. I also want to eat at the sub place that has the best chicken parm hoagies ever!...and at the Subway--love the tomato sauce...and at Friendly's...and at Rodano's in Wilkes-barre--best spaghetti and meatballs. I realize though, that I made a choice to move forward with this surgery and to once and for all get a grip on permanent change in my life...and that others on here have said that they can eat what they want, but not as much, about a half a cup, eventually...I think I can live with that. I also want to go to the movies one last time and get some pretzel nuggets with spicy cheese, and some popcorn...and to go to the drive-ins for hot dogs and fries!!! Ugh. Since having some money to spend, and starting my 2 weeks, I did, indeed, have some of these foods so that I could ease my mind and be more prepared for the procedure...and success, but I still want more of it! I am never satisfied...only pacified at this point. Recognizing those two facts helps me to see that what I am doing...eating that pack of pretzels, and then wishing for and wanting another--though I can't fit more in my stomach...is not good...I need help...and that's what I have elected to get.
 
I know that if I was to not get the surgery, I would be very upset. I have weighed things carefully, and thought about what would happen, how I would feel if I did not go through with the procedure--which I already have a taste of from when I was denied by the insurance, and from when I had to drop out twice before because my son got sick again. I have so much peace about the sleeve that anything else is chaos. I have a real chance before me for real, permanent change, and I can hardly wait.
 
At the same time I am worried about problems during the sedation...such as that I might have a cardiac arrest or something and have to be shocked back....which happened to my brother, but supposedly for a different reason. (I don't get to see my family, nor hear from them very much, because I was an orphan...and we children were separated early on--a truly great tragedy and lifetime of suffering--which also has had a hand in food addiction and food abuse by me...among other things). But, then I remember that my twins were born very early, and very sick, and have had many surgeries and are ok...and that I have exercised and prepared for this, doing my breathing exercises, seeing an allergist and getting my asthma meds changed--so that the year long cough could go away. I am prepared, and my prayers have been answered! I prayed for years for an answer, and this is it.....maybe now, God will reverse the food issues that were caused by the evil in my father's heart. Maybe now...physically, the pathways will be changed....combined with my own efforts, and several years of trauma counseling that helped me deal with all the other crap. It's time for a body change!
 
I can't wait to put my smaller clothes on. I have bags and tubs of smaller clothing, as well as an industrial rack to hold current and not-so-long-ago clothing. There is a pink chiffon and silver sequen skirt that I cannot wait to donn and go to the market--or anywhere for that matter!! Jeans?!! Oh yeah!...looking forward to it, and to being comfortable in my own skin and clothes.
 
Can't wait to put on some hot little classy number and some high heels (which I will promptly remove) and strut around in front of the ex when I drop the children for a visit...he'll be eating his words...loser. I am improving my health for me, and have been divorced for over 7 years...but still...there is sweetness in even the slightest victory, and I'm going to enjoy that one! haha.
 
My girl and I will be wearing close to the same size when I get this weight off, and I can wear my Army class A's..and my cammos again! That would be very cool...and is something I have wanted to do for years...since I was pregnant with the twins 14 years ago.
 
It will be nice when I can see the bones in my feet and my ankles and legs are not swollen anymore, and when I can roll over in bed without a ton of aches and pains...and when I can increase my 1 mile walks to 2 or 3 miles at once...instead of doing 2-3 1 mile walks per day. There are just so many benefits!
 
Ooo...and I can get out my multitude of swim suits and try them on...and go find a new one that makes me look smashing!...that is a cool word..."smashing!" Positively smashing!
 
I would love to do the P90X program, too...not the jumping, but the rest of it...and to find my fitness like I had, and better, in the Army. I'm going to look for an ab workout to help me look not pregnant. No matter what size I am, people always ask me that. I'm used to it, and just say no, I'm not pregnant, just fat." Then they look at me, all shocked...and embarrassed and say either "Oh!" or run out of the store with their tails between their legs. I'll say to them, "That's ok, I get that all the time, but I did lose XX lbs. over the last 6 months." ...Doesn't matter, they are put in their place for asking such a personal question, in the first place. I don't really care about that much, though...I don't...I just want to feel good about my body, that I am caring for it as God intended, that I am working to live well for as long as I can for my family...however small it is with just the twins and me...for our futures, for my grandchildren...so they can say that I truly am and was a great and strong person, no matter what came my way...and have some more proof to go with it! Can't beat that!

The last few days have been more energetic, and I have not taken naps, though I was tired and needed to sit and rest. I've been to the doctor, and he said the scab is normal...but I have to tell you... I don't think it was...I say was because it loosened again, and spun around, then clinged by a thread of connective tissue, and so I pulled on it to see if it hurt. It didn't so I finished taking it off....and then began the bleeding. I can only assume it was a capillary forming a connection....or losing it's connection. Since then, the wound has run clear fluid and gotten smaller, less red and raised on the edges and the middle has filled in a lot more. I think my body was trying to get that scab off! ...amazing what a body can do, how it thinks on it's own.
 
I went to my first post-surgery support group, and it was interesting, to say the least. There was a loud woman there, who sat next to...you guessed it!...me! She interrupted everyone who was talking, including me, and afterward another woman and I got to hear her entire life story, fraught with contradictions, and the spit that sprayed across the sidewalk, onto my arm, as she reached up and moved a hair out of my face with her grody hand, while revealing that her girlfriend who was her fiance, died of cancer! Whoa! She wants to carpool with me! I don't think so! She wiggled her parts all over and showed us very visually how the plastic surgeon who visited held her vagina in his hand, and how she has been single for 8 years...but how she is married to a man now and divorcing after one year, and how this surgeon was getting her off...good grief! Everything she said had shock value to it, and was incredibly unproductive, irritating, and funny. I found myself wondering if I behave that way-if I annoy the bologny out of other people, and I hope to God, not! You never know who is going to show up to that meeting.
 
Today, I am hungry, like all day, I've been hungry. I did lose another pound, today, but all I've wanted to do is eat...and yes, my belly has been physically hungry. Last night, my daughter made flaky buscuits. Once or twice a year I will let her bake them. Trouble is, that's all I've "wanted" to eat. Yesterday, what was left of a gallon bag of meatballs I made in preparation for the surgery was cooked slowly on the stove with sauce for the children....they ate all the others that were in the bag at other meals. I really wanted meatballs after the surgery, and couldn't get or really have any, anyway....so these, my delicious meatballs were smelling so good, and I'm allowed meat. So, I had one, and then the rest of the day, at the other four. I wanted more than what was left over, and wished I had more. Now, I'm wondering, why on Earth am I wanting those buscuits....and what's up with the meatballs?! I know I'm hungry, and haven't been able to eat more than about 500 calories, but today, I have been very hungry...and stuck to high quality protein, except for the bit of buscuit I allowed myself to have....but, I can't have those things in the house, anymore, and told my daughter that they won't be coming back because they are not healthy for any of us.
 
What I don't want is to feel a drive to eat whatever it might be, ever again....whether my hunger is real or not. I need to figure out how to sort this out. On October 15, I have a meeting with the psychologist, and I'm going to talk with her about it.
 
I walked at least a half mile today, and did two loads of laundry, as well as looked after my two little buddies who are both ill...daughter with headache, and son with stomach bug. He slept for twenty-four hours straight...hopefully, he can go to school in the morning. He is very upset about missing school...which is a welcome change from previous years. I prayed for them to be well, as they have prayed for mommy.
 
I am now down 35lbs...and as I write this, I am wondering if PMS has anything to do with my increased hunger. I do get hungrier at that time, and have more pain in my back, as well. I wonder what other ladies go through regarding cravings and hunger post-sleeve, during PMS time...and how they handle it. I have had to take those buscuits and dump water on them, then put them in the trash.
 
I had pain that made me think I was dying after my procedure...and one thing I never want to happen is that I'd forget that suffering and trade it in for a buscuit! And I reject my own rationalizations that lead to making it ok to have one...because that one does not satisfy...another one is always wanted. I want to be successful, and this is thee last resort, it's now or never!
 
My skin has bee so dry that nothing helped. My skin would slough off after the shower when drying with the towel. I went on a search for lotions and remedies, and found a new lotion by Dial called NurtriSkin. I bought the extra dry with shea butter version and I like it. The lotion seeps into the skin and moisturizes for a long time. I also liked the Mango Aloe Vera lotion that Sally Beauty sells, but the Dial one works well enough. The scales on my elbows that were literally sticking off my skin have smoothed and healed, and the backs of my hands are improving, as well. The rosacea is also calming down, as my face has been incredibly red for weeks after surgery.

Hi Everyone,
 
It has been a very long time since I posted. The last time was 8 days post op. I have been following a sleevers page on facebook but I miss this forum so I'm back to stay.
 
It has been 4 1/2 months since my surgery. I have lost 70 pounds. It seems the weight loss is slowing down a LOT! It gets frustrating but I realize that I wouldn't have able to lose 70 pounds without this surgery. I'm so glad I did it even though I questioned myself right after.
 
I am almost off all of my hypertensive medication which is so awesome because I was on two different ones and have had HBP since I was in my early 20's. I was also a borderline diabetic before the surgery and now my numbers are great! I can't thank God enough for this opportunity and blessing to have this surgery. I did have to pay for it because my insurance sucks and won't pay for hardly anything but I know it was so worth it.
 
I'm a little concerned that my weight loss has slowed. I had hoped that the honeymoon phase would last at least 6 months but it seems for me it hasn't. It is really hard for me to lose 2 pounds a week now. I am eating well and getting in all of my protein first. I do have hypothyroidism due to ablation of my thyroid so that may have something to do with it. I do know that there is no way I would have been able to lose 70 pounds in 4 1/2 months without this surgery. I'm so thankful!!
 
In the last two weeks I was able to walk 2 5k's! Before, that would have never been possible. I was close to 300 pounds. My pre op weight was 297 and now I'm 222! Can't wait to be in onederland! I hope to be there by Christmas! What a wonderful gift that would be.
 
Ok... so everyone have a great day and I definitely am staying on this forum! God bless! Most recent pic with my daughter attached!

I just realized that I have lost 49lbs altogether, and that I have 99 to go to reach my goal! That's less than 100lbs! Yay for me! Good thing I can't go eat to celebrate that...because I want to party and celebrate. I'll just have to enjoy that I'm getting better and that the sun is shining, and soon I'll be back outside walkin in it!...maybe even jogging a little!
 
I picked 160 as a midpoint of where I'd really like to be and where I was once before. At 189, the last time I had lost 63lbs....I was happy...then I gained it and more back. I was 165 or so when I got home from the Army, years ago, and that was ok...but when I was my thinnest, and felt the healthiest...I was 145-150. I had starved myself down to 138 one time, when I was going in the Marines...but honestly, I was sick as a dog and if I ate anything, I could not maintain that weight. I remember thinking I wanted to eat a houseplant that was in one of the offices I was in at that time, because I could not maintain that horribly small weight and eat. So, anyway, about 160 would be sweet.

I just realized that I have lost 49lbs altogether, and that I have 99 to go to reach my goal! That's less than 100lbs! Yay for me! Good thing I can't go eat to celebrate that...because I want to party and celebrate. I'll just have to enjoy that I'm getting better and that the sun is shining, and soon I'll be back outside walkin in it!...maybe even jogging a little!
 
I picked 160 as a midpoint of where I'd really like to be and where I was once before. At 189, the last time I had lost 63lbs....I was happy...then I gained it and more back. I was 165 or so when I got home from the Army, years ago, and that was ok...but when I was my thinnest, and felt the healthiest...I was 145-150. I had starved myself down to 138 one time, when I was going in the Marines...but honestly, I was sick as a dog and if I ate anything, I could not maintain that weight. I remember thinking I wanted to eat a houseplant that was in one of the offices I was in at that time, because I could not maintain that horribly small weight and eat. So, anyway, about 160 would be sweet.

I'm down 2.6 lbs again, this morning. I'm tired from trying to do some things yesterday and from the increase in pain from moving around. The belly binder works nicely to stop the jiggling, but it itches and kind of rubs the one incision line, and is making it bleed a little, so I took it off instead of loosening it, to allow the slice lines to get air. Pain is higher without the binder on, though. Monday is my post-op appointment, and I have no one to drive me, so I'm going to have to do it myself. They office wont' change the appointment, either....so, I'll take it easy this weekend, and just try to get that healing protein in...and dream a little of meatballs at the Bloomsburg fair. I have not been this "light" since the beginning semesters of my internships a few years ago. I cannot wait to get down a lot more. Seeing some pounds fall off me is ecouraging...helps me be strong and motivated, and feel a little more positivity, and helps me to look to the future more.
 
My son is still ill, and he is wearing a face mask. He must shower as soon as he gets in the door, and sanitize his hands every 15-60 minutes. I missed my little buddy, since he has to stay in his room to protect me...so I had him come down here with me and keep real clean and away from me so he can watch some tv.
 
My intercostal muscles still hurt. I had felt like I had the body aches from flu after the surgery, and that stiffness and soreness is still here. I'm still black and blue from being dug with needles in the hospital, but at least those sites don't hurt, anymore.
 
I want to stop taking pain meds....maybe Sunday will be a good day for that....since I have to be on the road at 7am on Monday to drive an hour and a half to the hospital.

I AM SO FREAKIN SICK OF THIS DAMN LIQUID DIET*lol*, Monday can't get here fast enough just so I can start the puree stage of my diet. How many of you guys know what I am talking about?

Thought I'd be nervous...but I really feel that I got that all out of me...I'm ready to go!!!! Psyched out!!! No worries!
 
I even found Special K protein powder for water, and Designer Whey protein powder for water--Designer has 10 g, and K has 5...at Rite Aid...they have the Isopure too, that I have been looking for. I found it all while I was waiting to find out of that particular pharmacy has the Hydrocodone liquid. No place has the pain killer. It's on back order, and there is talk of not making it anymore, so I'm not sure why on Earth the doctors are prescribing it! Be aware that if you get prescribed a pain med, that it is hard to find. Get it early, and start filling it early.
 
I got extra walks in this week, and a double one just a couple hours ago...so that I am ahead for the recovery days. Sweet!
 
Went to a support group meeting today...the one chick there talked and talked and talked...but I did learn some things from her...though I really wanted to talk about some of my last concerns. Toward the end I was able to get in that I was getting my surgery in the morning, and then I got to chat with some people who had some very good tips...such as the one woman who had her surgery in May, right before I was supposed to have mine, showed me her incisions and told me that, Yes...I will still be able to yell at my children when I get home. That's all I needed to hear! I was worried I'd be layed up like a sick dog..but not so. The other woman had her sleeve 17 days ago, and has lost 15 lbs...which she was not happy about...but which is encouraging, and right on target.
 
I have all my medicine cups, some antacids, gas med, prescriptions, a can of meat and beans, a can of applesauce, a can of tomato soup, and a can of cream of chicken soup along with the protein powder packets I just got, and the Carnation sugar-free packets all lined up on the counter. We moved the couch, vaccuumed and moved the recliner so that I can have my pick when I get back. I put my sewing projects for Eckley on hold (that's a coal mining patch town that still stands, where we volunteer to raise money--you all should visit, sometime). I just don't have time to do those things. I figure when my belly gets better at the end of September, I can sew then, I hope.
 
I can't wait to get back to my walks! The treadmill is up here now, and I cleaned it off, so I can walk inside if I want to, now, and for the winter!...NO slacking for me...never again. I refuse to be a hermit this year! My daughter and I are also going to do our aerobics together. We did some Zumba at a support group meeting two weeks ago..and boy-o-boy, was that something! We were all cracking each other up with the moves, and it was just a lot of fun...so now, we are going to work out together more. I can't wait....my girl is the best...so is my boy! My two special buddies are right here alongside me...like no one else.
 
I should mention my one friend, Annette...she's being very nice to me, and helping me get there and back...but that's all she can do..and it's A LOT!!!...but still...I need help at home...and will have to rely on the children. I wish I had more family, and more people who really care about me. I am so thankful for what I have though, and wouldn't trade my 3 buddies for anything!
 
Travis Tritt is on tv right now..and man is he spectacular...love him...I'm really enjoying his concert! Sure beats eating my self to death, right now! Tomorrow is such a special day, and I'm so glad I get to share it with you all!

Thought I'd be nervous...but I really feel that I got that all out of me...I'm ready to go!!!! Psyched out!!! No worries!
 
I even found Special K protein powder for water, and Designer Whey protein powder for water--Designer has 10 g, and K has 5...at Rite Aid...they have the Isopure too, that I have been looking for. I found it all while I was waiting to find out of that particular pharmacy has the Hydrocodone liquid. No place has the pain killer. It's on back order, and there is talk of not making it anymore, so I'm not sure why on Earth the doctors are prescribing it! Be aware that if you get prescribed a pain med, that it is hard to find. Get it early, and start filling it early.
 
I got extra walks in this week, and a double one just a couple hours ago...so that I am ahead for the recovery days. Sweet!
 
Went to a support group meeting today...the one chick there talked and talked and talked...but I did learn some things from her...though I really wanted to talk about some of my last concerns. Toward the end I was able to get in that I was getting my surgery in the morning, and then I got to chat with some people who had some very good tips...such as the one woman who had her surgery in May, right before I was supposed to have mine, showed me her incisions and told me that, Yes...I will still be able to yell at my children when I get home. That's all I needed to hear! I was worried I'd be layed up like a sick dog..but not so. The other woman had her sleeve 17 days ago, and has lost 15 lbs...which she was not happy about...but which is encouraging, and right on target.
 
I have all my medicine cups, some antacids, gas med, prescriptions, a can of meat and beans, a can of applesauce, a can of tomato soup, and a can of cream of chicken soup along with the protein powder packets I just got, and the Carnation sugar-free packets all lined up on the counter. We moved the couch, vaccuumed and moved the recliner so that I can have my pick when I get back. I put my sewing projects for Eckley on hold (that's a coal mining patch town that still stands, where we volunteer to raise money--you all should visit, sometime). I just don't have time to do those things. I figure when my belly gets better at the end of September, I can sew then, I hope.
 
I can't wait to get back to my walks! The treadmill is up here now, and I cleaned it off, so I can walk inside if I want to, now, and for the winter!...NO slacking for me...never again. I refuse to be a hermit this year! My daughter and I are also going to do our aerobics together. We did some Zumba at a support group meeting two weeks ago..and boy-o-boy, was that something! We were all cracking each other up with the moves, and it was just a lot of fun...so now, we are going to work out together more. I can't wait....my girl is the best...so is my boy! My two special buddies are right here alongside me...like no one else.
 
I should mention my one friend, Annette...she's being very nice to me, and helping me get there and back...but that's all she can do..and it's A LOT!!!...but still...I need help at home...and will have to rely on the children. I wish I had more family, and more people who really care about me. I am so thankful for what I have though, and wouldn't trade my 3 buddies for anything!
 
Travis Tritt is on tv right now..and man is he spectacular...love him...I'm really enjoying his concert! Sure beats eating my self to death, right now! Tomorrow is such a special day, and I'm so glad I get to share it with you all!

Well, I figured out how to post a new entry!!! I was going to give up, but gave it another try and found the button. Yippee.
 
Yesterday, I found myself feeling guilty a bit because I am unable to lose the weight and keep it off, in my current state. I felt a bit sad that I have to have surgery, but I know it's the right thing. At the beginning of this round of 2 week liquid diets, I was so upset because I was not able to eat beforehand, and was broke, etc...and the roller coaster of emotions was rampant. Now, I am feeling much better, but I want to eat all the time...and right now, it's pizza--brought on by the left over I took out of the freezer to give to my boy-who had a hard day at school. I have also been wanting an egg McMuffin...and just saw the commercial...ugh...I am hungry, and now I'm really toeing the line. I have been scared about surgery, and have worked to settle my fears by reminding myself that my children have had innumerable surgeries, and I assured them they'd be ok...and they were. I trust the surgeons and staff with their lives, and of course, must trust them with my own life! I hear and see myself telling my son that he is ok, that he is not going to die...and somehow my own mind and heart hears it...like a mom taking care of me...me taking care of me!!! Imagine that!
 
Anyway, my surgery is in 2 days!! 2 Days!!!! Can you believe that??!!! Finally!!
 
I have been sad that I could not eat at the diner that my sister owned before she took off to wherever and never came back--it openned and I didn't get to go there. I also want to eat at the sub place that has the best chicken parm hoagies ever!...and at the Subway--love the tomato sauce...and at Friendly's...and at Rodano's in Wilkes-barre--best spaghetti and meatballs. I realize though, that I made a choice to move forward with this surgery and to once and for all get a grip on permanent change in my life...and that others on here have said that they can eat what they want, but not as much, about a half a cup, eventually...I think I can live with that. I also want to go to the movies one last time and get some pretzel nuggets with spicy cheese, and some popcorn...and to go to the drive-ins for hot dogs and fries!!! Ugh. Since having some money to spend, and starting my 2 weeks, I did, indeed, have some of these foods so that I could ease my mind and be more prepared for the procedure...and success, but I still want more of it! I am never satisfied...only pacified at this point. Recognizing those two facts helps me to see that what I am doing...eating that pack of pretzels, and then wishing for and wanting another--though I can't fit more in my stomach...is not good...I need help...and that's what I have elected to get.
 
I know that if I was to not get the surgery, I would be very upset. I have weighed things carefully, and thought about what would happen, how I would feel if I did not go through with the procedure--which I already have a taste of from when I was denied by the insurance, and from when I had to drop out twice before because my son got sick again. I have so much peace about the sleeve that anything else is chaos. I have a real chance before me for real, permanent change, and I can hardly wait.
 
At the same time I am worried about problems during the sedation...such as that I might have a cardiac arrest or something and have to be shocked back....which happened to my brother, but supposedly for a different reason. (I don't get to see my family, nor hear from them very much, because I was an orphan...and we children were separated early on--a truly great tragedy and lifetime of suffering--which also has had a hand in food addiction and food abuse by me...among other things). But, then I remember that my twins were born very early, and very sick, and have had many surgeries and are ok...and that I have exercised and prepared for this, doing my breathing exercises, seeing an allergist and getting my asthma meds changed--so that the year long cough could go away. I am prepared, and my prayers have been answered! I prayed for years for an answer, and this is it.....maybe now, God will reverse the food issues that were caused by the evil in my father's heart. Maybe now...physically, the pathways will be changed....combined with my own efforts, and several years of trauma counseling that helped me deal with all the other crap. It's time for a body change!
 
I can't wait to put my smaller clothes on. I have bags and tubs of smaller clothing, as well as an industrial rack to hold current and not-so-long-ago clothing. There is a pink chiffon and silver sequen skirt that I cannot wait to donn and go to the market--or anywhere for that matter!! Jeans?!! Oh yeah!...looking forward to it, and to being comfortable in my own skin and clothes.
 
Can't wait to put on some hot little classy number and some high heels (which I will promptly remove) and strut around in front of the ex when I drop the children for a visit...he'll be eating his words...loser. I am improving my health for me, and have been divorced for over 7 years...but still...there is sweetness in even the slightest victory, and I'm going to enjoy that one! haha.
 
My girl and I will be wearing close to the same size when I get this weight off, and I can wear my Army class A's..and my cammos again! That would be very cool...and is something I have wanted to do for years...since I was pregnant with the twins 14 years ago.
 
It will be nice when I can see the bones in my feet and my ankles and legs are not swollen anymore, and when I can roll over in bed without a ton of aches and pains...and when I can increase my 1 mile walks to 2 or 3 miles at once...instead of doing 2-3 1 mile walks per day. There are just so many benefits!
 
Ooo...and I can get out my multitude of swim suits and try them on...and go find a new one that makes me look smashing!...that is a cool word..."smashing!" Positively smashing!
 
I would love to do the P90X program, too...not the jumping, but the rest of it...and to find my fitness like I had, and better, in the Army. I'm going to look for an ab workout to help me look not pregnant. No matter what size I am, people always ask me that. I'm used to it, and just say no, I'm not pregnant, just fat." Then they look at me, all shocked...and embarrassed and say either "Oh!" or run out of the store with their tails between their legs. I'll say to them, "That's ok, I get that all the time, but I did lose XX lbs. over the last 6 months." ...Doesn't matter, they are put in their place for asking such a personal question, in the first place. I don't really care about that much, though...I don't...I just want to feel good about my body, that I am caring for it as God intended, that I am working to live well for as long as I can for my family...however small it is with just the twins and me...for our futures, for my grandchildren...so they can say that I truly am and was a great and strong person, no matter what came my way...and have some more proof to go with it! Can't beat that!

I just got through my first workout with my trainer. All I have to say is that this entry will be short due to the pure exhaustion every muscle in my body feels. Just a few thoughts:

I have been stuck in a terrible stall for the last 1.5 weeks. Maybe this will bring me out.
I realized I can't drink during workouts or I will throw up on the yoga mat lol.
Must make sure to take my gummy bear vitamins and drink more water. That last one is pretty much engraved into every WLS patient's forehead, but I experienced terrible orthostatic hypotension (standing too fast and becoming dizzy). My trainer will have to peel me from a puke soaked yoga mat otherwise.
I hope this works.

Today I am doing much better. I am not sobbing. I was an emotional mess yesterday and crying. It was all fear related though. I wanted to isolate and be alone but that is the disease of food addiction so I reached out to friends and asked them to come visit me today. I use to attend Overeaters Annoymous, guess I never got the annoymous part. But it really taught me a lot like not to isolate. I guess that is what I want to pass along today is don't isolate yourselves. Isolating is selfish, I love being there for my friends and I will not rob them of being there for me, everybody wants to know they are needed and matter. So let your friends and family love you and don't put baby in the corner, because nobody puts baby in the corner!
So this is day five and I am sick to death of the liquid diet so my never compliant self decided to have an egg. I made one jumbo scrambled egg with a pinch of cheese and I added ketchup on top when it was done cooking. It was so nice to have food. I am really worried about getting my protein in so that is why I made myself the egg. It went down okay, funny thing is I couldn't finish it all, which made me laugh. I used to clear my plate at ihop when I had an steak omelet and now I can't even finish one egg. Now I am fighting the urge to buy a scale. Day 5 what do I think I am gonna weigh! I want to be patient and kind to myself. The weight will come off even though I have fears it won't but fear = false expectations appearing real. This journey is going to require a lot of courage and willingness to change, thank God you can fake both of those things when you don't have them at the moment, they work on credit so borrow big.
God Bless all of you and best of luck!