I never once in this whole process ever thought about forgiving myself. I was watching a recent episode of Heavy and one of the counseling sessions was about forgiving yourself. There is so much guilt associated in childhood trauma, at least there was for me. I can honestly say that I have forgiven those involved, but I have never forgiven myself.
Part of this journey for me is to work through the reasons I turn to food for comfort. Part of my realization is that I have not forgiven myself; I did not allow myself to break free from my abuse because of the guilt. I feel responsible for what happened, because I didn't speak up, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. Why didn't I? Logic sets in and tells me it was because I was only 2,3,4,5,6,7 years old but my memories are processed through my mind, an adult's mind. I am mature enough to know it is wrong..now! But then? I remember saying " this is wrong" and him saying " why?" and I couldn't answer him because I didn't know.
How could I not have known?
These are the things I am working through...it's not a sob story, so don't feel bad for me. It's just my reality, one that I've lived with my whole life. I'm working through it now. I have no choice because I can't consume large amounts of food anymore to avoid working through them ( thank god!)
I'm just telling myself every day that I have the right to what everyone else has and that....
It was not my fault! It was not my fault! It was not my fault!
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