CowgirlJane

My band removal - after 10 years and epic failure - was more emotionally distressing then physically difficult. I felt the crushing weight of failure and I was hungry like a wolf. Omg it was terrible. Once I processed some grief I was so glad to be rid of it. The port for example just symbolized that foreign body that caused me so much pain and embarrassment (vomiting). I know others do well with the band but I am so grateful it is gone....it was removed nearly 4 years ago.

I too was terrified of plastics and of leaving the country... and of any surgery. I was all scheduled for sugery in May of 2013... but delayed it to October of that year as i was having a full on freak out! In the end I felt better about my decision for having waited. i still fainted right before surgery and did not get a discount on anesthesia! All I can say is I received great care and happy with my results. Remember i went the route of one surgery, covering alot... versus spreading over 2-3 surgeries. Plastics, just like life, is full of trade offs. As far as sending pictures for consults... I didn't think my before pix were all that valuable on the porn market..unless there is some weird middle age, small boob, saggy skin fetish out there - haha! and... never have your face in the pix. I also only sent them to a very few well known reputable plastic surgeons so I haven't worried about it at all.

Yeah it was fun! I hated any kind of county music until about 10 years ago and now i listen to it alot. what I didn't realize is that 2 stepping is actually an easier dance than some others. I am a complete novice at couples dancing. I took swing group class a year ago but hardly learned a thing. I just started salsa and after the first lesson I thought - this is way too hard! After the second lesson I thought - this is hard, but as long as we keep it slow, i can sorta do it...haha. The basic salsa step is easy, it is all those turns and high speeds that are clearly going to take me some time to learn! The conclusion I am coming to about learning to do actual couples dancing is that you have to be willing to get through the uncomfortable stage - and then it starts to become easier. What happened last night is the instructor essentially taught us 5 moves and then laced them together. I was feeling like a rockstar until it was set to music - all 5 moves - and I didn't have anyone counting for me..haha! It was a little fast and I had a hard time getting back on beat when I messed up. Even so, that was incredible for me to learn 5 moves in one 2 buck lesson - I think if I do it a few more times I will at least get the basic stuff. With any kind of luck my young cowboy will be back - although he will probably run the other way and look for someone to partner with who actually has a right foot too.

I have never been diagnosed with this - but i have very similiar symptoms. I have "broken" the habit many times in my life through sheer force of willpower, but it seems to come back. I go through times of terrible insomnia too - like right now - and it gets me down. Not depressed, but just freaking exhausted. I don't really know how to address it, but I find that having some premier Protein drink (not even a whole cartoon, just a partial) seems to satisfy. I like doing that because that doesn't lead me to that wandering around trying to find something to chew on.. I feel like sometimes if let myself eat actual food, it primes the pump to graze. Do the people who diagnos this condition have theories as to what our bodies are looking for?

I have read many many posts (most not nearly as gently worded as yours!) of this new found "judgement" of the obese. I would say it is normal but not something I experience too much. I was at preconcert party about 3 weeks ago and it was HOT. I was wearing slightly longer shorts and a summer top and sweltering. I commented to my skinny galpal who doesn't wear shorts due to varicose veins that I wish I had worn my "shorter shorts" to be cooler but I have some thigh jiggle and thought these looked better. I don't even notice this crap in other people, but am aware of my own appearance. Anyway, she jumped right into pointing out very heavy girls wearing very short shorts and telling me i would look way better than them. So, I hadn't even noticed the short shorts on the heavy girls and when she pointed them out... i still thought they looked better than me. They have the advantage of youth and the full thighs appeared firmer to me then i see mine. so I guess even after all this time in maintenance, I still tend to judge myself considerably harder than I do others. Mostly though, i just stay away from the whole line of thinking. One of my life lessons is there is always someone (fill in the blank) smarter, cuter, richer, skinnier, taller etc etc and it is a losing game to be constantly comparing...

I went through this too. I spent about a year wrestling with my decision to revise from the lapband (which was an epic fail for me) to the sleeve. (well, actually it was supposed to be to the bypass but I changed to the sleeve). It was a very bad year - I tried and retried ever diet under the sun because I just could not come to grips with either having my "guts rerouted" (bypass) or "my stomach chopped" (sleeve). I was fearful of dying in surgery, of feeling horrible pain afterwords, of looking terrible/sick/unhealthy, of developing a serious complication... of never enjoying life again. Of failing.... again. I actually think that my fear of failing was the biggest obstacle.Emotionally, i just felt I couldn't handle that again. I am now over 3.5 years post surgery and I have a whole different perspective. I luckily had no complications - but truth is most people with very serious complications recover and become strong. I look awesome, if I do say so myself. My health improved so much - my starting BMI was 52 and a lifetime of obesity was taking it's toll! My day to day life is just so much easier. I can run up a hill, I can chase after my dog, I can mount my horse from the ground, I can crawl in and out of the bed of my pickup truck...etc I never saw myself as a social recluse, but now that I am normal sized...OMG... I was missing out on so much in life before and I didn't even know it! Are there downsides, well yes. I am more prone to stomach upsets/issues. I have gone through times of severe constipation and times of loose BMs - although the last year i have been fine. I really really have to work hard to maintain my 150#++ weight loss - dammit - it wasn't a magical cure! I would do it again 100 times if I had to. I am so serious about that - if for some reason I can't maintain my losses with the sleeve, i will revise to the DS. I wish the sleeve had been available to me a long time ago... I just turned 51 and in some ways my life has "restarted" in the last couple of years. I am half my former size. It isn't just how I look, it is more about the burden of lugging the weigh of a normal sized man around on top of my "normal" weight. It is a wonder i could still function when I was so big.. I am so grateful for weight loss surgery now. I know how difficult this is, I know it is hard to judge if you are "ready" but I am an analytical person and in the end it was logic that got me over my fears. No WLS: 100% chance of early death and disability (I was already becoming disabled, so no joke) WLS: x% chance of serious complication or death; xx% chance of less serious complications It was a no brainer for me when I looked at it that way.

so.. I had a super fun night tonight - went 2 step dancing lesson and my randomly assigned partner was the hottest, tall dark and handsome dude in the place and he was so sweet and patient with me too. The Heavens knew I needed that tonight! Two Step dancing is just a comfortable touch way of partner dancing, I felt like I was being gently hugged through most of the hour long lesson. On that note, I am going to take a break from my ongoing pity party. I have observed some things on this forum that have given me...pause. Alex starts threads to get discussions going and of course he is the site owner, so do as you will... but I find it odd that he is generating those "food porn" type threads. He has one about "worst restaurant meals" which has led people to report all their "former" favorite over indulgent meals. He had another one titled something like "no wonder I wasn't skinny" that also talks about food... in a ... foodie food food kinda way. I personally don't like to read those, I don't watch the cooking channel, I don't obsess over food because I don't need encouragement to be crazy about food! What do you all think about those kind of posts? I admit, I didn't read too far into either one so maybe I am unfairly characterizing them.

Tonight I went to "Two Step Tuesday" at a local country western bar and took a $2 dance lesson - yes, 2 step which I have never attempted before. Here was the coolest part - I had the courage to go alone and so my partner was the hottest guy in the place... about 6'2", tall, dark, handsome and did I mention...hot! and... he could dance! Too bad he is closer to my son's age than mine, but It was a fun hour of being in dance frames called stuff like "the cuddle position". I could get used to this. Know where I will be next Tuesday evening?!?

I just turned 51... so had all thus in my late 40s... so worth it. However I think you need to accept your flawed body pre plastics or you may never be happy with plastics either. I interviewed several plastics patients and was shocked at people with great results who still wanted better. Kind of like massive weight loss...be sure to wrap your head around this, get over your dismorphia etc first.

I viewed my excess skin akin to my 3x sweatpants. .. don't need that sh*t anymore! I do think it helps with motivation in maintenance too.. my sleeve was Dec 2011 so I am definitely finding maintaining an increasing challenge as many do once they are 3 or 4 years out...

I didn't experience much pain at all. Dr Sauceda does an excellent job of managing it - so my fears about that were unfounded. Having said that, recovering from the lower body lift is a big deal. i was on very limited activity and just plain exhausted for 6 weeks. It was more like 10-12 weeks before I felt like doing really aggressive physical stuff (horseback riding, skiing etc). This is no joke, take it seriously. People who are active too soon often have complications. (of course, you can have complications even if you do everything right too). I recovered fine, but it felt like forever.

It's been asked and answered many many times on this forum. A search will bring you lots of info. I went to Dr Sauceda in Mexico in 2013. I am very pleased with my results. He uses twilight sedation with epidural which removed my biggest fear - the being sick from anesthesia which happens to me everytime i have general. I had a breast lift/implants, lower body lift, arm lift and a small thigh lift (groin incision only). the total cost was in the 16K range and he includes your aftercare for 11 days (3 in clinic with full nursing care, rest in a hotel where you are visited daily by him and a nurse in separate visits), garments and a credit toward your airfare. I am sure prices changed since 2013, but at the time he was considerably more affordable than my local options. More than that, the amount of after care he provided was much much more than offered for me locally. I did 4-5 local consults and I think everybody should do that before deciding. He does consults by email and then final decisions are made the day before your surgery when he does the markup.

Kelly, you are so right. I did this to myself from DECADES of morbid obesity. Just to be clear, I have one really really bad hip (confirmed by xrays, 2nd injection relief only lasted a few weeks), my left hip sometimes twinges so I am guessing it is bad too. Back when I was over 300#, I woke up one morning not being able to walk due to knee pain. They did xrays and the doc said "I only have one question, why doesn't your other knee hurt like hell too?". Yeah... they are both toast. Last fall I developed tendonistis in my left elbow (I am left handed). I had to send my horses somewhere else for 4 months because the farm chores were killing my elbow. During that time, my horses both developed "issues". The older one developed a health problem due to too much mud and the younger developed behavioral issues due to not being handled correctly day in and day out. I lost big time traction on that, and paid for the priviledge! My left elbow still hurts, but by using a brace and being careful, it is managable. I think I would be less bothered by my joint issues except it's like I FOUND THIS WHOLE LIFE, this active life, this "there are no limits to what I can do" life - only to find that was very short lived! ha. I love it and don't want to give it up and it is not clear to me a way forward. I do need to change my mindset and get over the negativity.... but then along comes this BREAST issue. One day I woke up and there was a big abrasion which really freaked me out. I figured out that the right breast had grown out of my bras and my delicate skin was being attacked by my bra... so new bras solved that and now it is just an enlarged breast, not an enlarged breast with a wound on it! BTW, it looks good on me and takes up a bit more underarm skin so if I need to get fresh implants, I might go up a size..haha! I have decided to stick with pursing learning to dance. It does make my hip a tiny bit achy, but nothing compared to hiking or riding or other major activities. I NEED physical things in my life that are FUN.

@@Alex Brecher since it isn't "just me" haha... I want to report this issue.

I have firefox too. I still don't see that flag on the list on the right side of the screen. I noticed @VSGAnn2014 posted on that thread too - so assume she didn't see it either. So,I see the flag if it is in my "content I follow" list but I DON'T see it on the Recent Topics list on the right side of the screen. So, what I happened was I clicked into it from there, wrote a heartfelt detailed reply and then as soon as I hit save realized it was in the guys room. Went back in and deleted...

Dating, at least online dating, is a bit of a numbers game. I have only met maybe 4 guys face to face since I recently started up but that is just because it is too annoying to me to meet more. (Hey, I have things to do in my life!). I get burned out/feel like it is wasting time if I do too much so I limit it intentionally, but I KNOW you need to meet a few people to really find someone you want to see. Have you only met one person face to face because you just aren't comfortable meeting or is it that you are not attracting that much interest? or conversely... are you just not that interested in the "pool"? If it were me (I can only speak for myself not saying you should do this) - I would put the whole thing on hold and start again when you are feeling more self confident. If you feel like you really WANT to do this now, I would do more first dates so you get more practice and comfort at it. I almost always have a pretty good time on the first dates and they generally go well these days (again, I am much better at prescreening). I also have the attitude that i am very open to making new friends/activity partners so I don't feel any pressure at all that it has to be some huge romantic thing. I generally don't accept coffee dates anymore. 100% of the time, coffee dates don't go anywhere for me. I think it is because I don't feel connected with them enough to want to see them again after a cup of coffee. Very few people are charming enough to pull that off I guess. I often feel like that coffee date is just for them to verify I have boobs - and I don't want to be interviewed for a job and I wind up leaving them feeling like...eh. That is probably a flaw in my way of thinking, but i have recognized my pattern so i just don't do it. The guys I have met this time around have all invited me to dinner, and my response varied from a "YES" to a ... "lets have a glass of wine first and then we can decide together about dinner." I never want anyone to feel locked into a whole evening with me...haha. Flip side, if they are not interested enough to actually spend some time talking, they probably aren't my type anyway....

so right now... there is a post under the "recent topics" titled "I feel like i look weird" that is from the guys room but I don't see the indicator. I am on my laptop right now.

I understand horses as therapy ... I know a fair amount about it. However, those students aren't responsible for caring for and providing for 1200 pound animals - they do a carefully guided ride for perhaps 30 minutes a week. I don't mind caring for them, I find the work pleasant, but I am not sure this is the right direction for me. I have at LEAST 2 more surgeries coming - not counting whatever is going on with my knees. It is overwhelming to figure out how to continually fill in for my own physical shortcomings. I have never felt tied down or restricted by my horses, but when you are facing health problems, the weight of that responsibility becomes daunting. In addition, I am just bored. I mostly trail ride but was starting to think about doing some fast stuff like riding in a drill team or western games with my younger horse. She is a handful but I think could do it. I don't think I can do it though with my current physical situation... so it is discouraging.

I just wrote a long reply to a post regarding excess skin and then after I hit post realized it was in the guys room... I deleted my post but what a pain.

@@Alex Brecher - is this a bug?

I had not noticed this....but some things make more sense n ow. Have you reported the issue?

My health problems maybe don't seem severe to some.. but I am struggling emotionally big time with them. It is like I was going along, enjoying my new thinner self then out of the blue - bam - issues! First, my effing hip. A year ago, I was out hiking most guys and frankly my own 20 something sons! All hikes around here involve steep. Now, due to my severely arthiritic hip, I feel like a fat girl again who can't keep up. It makes me want to cry, so I am just avoiding doing something I LOVE - hike way up to an alpine lake and enjoy the scenery, lunch and wine before hiking back down. in addition, I have actually developed fear of riding my younger more difficult horse. I was a strong rider, but due to my hip, I feel like my body is failing me... Since the hip started acting up, i feel twinges in my knees. My knees were diagnosed as advanced arthristis about 5 years ago - one of my big motivators for getting sleeved as a matter of fact. It all just makes me feel like crap, makes me feel disabled.. actually makes me feel fat. So, it needs to be replaced. I am not scared of the surgery, but dammit, I am just so DONE with surgeries for now! And then, my right breast has swollen for no known reason. I suspect it has to do with a common complication of implants, but who knows, it could be some kind of horrible situation. In the middle of all this, i had a falling out with my primary care doc and had to find a new one. Okay, new doc finally examined me and came to the same conclusions I did. No obvious breast cancer lump. The implant is not hard and mishapen like what can happen it is just about 25% bigger than the left side. Diagnostic mammograms are a bigger deal - cant get in until end of the month. (reminder, my full sister died of breast cancer at age 40 and I am 51). So, my emotional state has cascaded. I have actually been thinking about getting out of horses. Horses, my horse friends, my horse centered life - has been my anchor since my sis died in 2007. I feel scared to leave it behind, but I feel like I am facing surgeries, facing age, facing alone - and somehow at the moment, it is just all too much.

I went through that too. First, I don't think that most guys are awful or give men a bad name. Seriously, I think most are sort of navigating their way poorly through this crappy setup just like us ladies are! I have met the awful so I know they are out there (i got much much much better at screening so lately I have not met any awfuls). I posted on one of the many forums (here is my rant, there are so many forums now I can't remember where I posted it!) about how this round I am much more .. confident. My new energy is attracting a whole different situation. I don't give a rats ass if they don't call. I am fine by myself .. and there are others who would like to meet me so just move along. For exampe, in the past, I didn't really expect the guy to always pay - I make a decent income and I am all about equality but I realized I was sabatoging myself. For reasons I will NEVER understand, men value you more if they have to work for it. So, I have found success by going from being the accomodating sweet woman that I believe is my nature to being a little ..less of those things and more of something else (b*tch comes to mind). Right now, I met someone that i really enjoy, he is fit and I like many things about him - we have been on two dates and he has asked me to shut down my dating profile and become "exclusive". i am thinking about it, but not sure I am quite ready to be so accomodating yet. A year or two ago I would have been all over that... now, not so sure, still thinking. I am not THAT picky regarding looks, but many of the guys in my realistic datable age range are terribly terribly out of shape. I mean they get out of breath walking on the flat at a normal pace kinda out of shape (as a human, I am very empathetic, doesn't mean I want them as a romantic partner/lover to be completely honest) Or, they are triathletes and want a woman to do the next Seattle to Portland bike race/ride after we jogged up Mount Rainier ... WTF??? i keep wondering, where are the regular people who work to stay somewhat fit, but are not obsessed with it? I was obessesed for awhile myself, but I am over it and want just a nice balance. I feel your pain. I benefited from STOPPING dating and just working on myself alot. Not sure that applies to you at all, but just wanted to share my own experience. I am 15-20# heavier, a year or two older, and yet I am getting better results... so apparently men DO notice your state of mind and attitude too!

THAT I agree with too! I was a failed lapband patient and the first surgeon I went to regarding a revision essentially "poo poo'd" the sleeve for me since he claimed it was only restrictive like the band and would only discuss the gastric bypass with me. I went along at first... but I didn't like his NUT and a few other things made me seek a different surgeon. The practice I went to ultimately presented both options - sleeve and bypass as "good options" for me, but clearly their practice is heavily focused on sleeve so I felt confident about that. Seems like it is really ideal if the surgeon "believes" in your choice of procedures!

I had an amazing day on Sunday. I was supposed to go to a music festival at Snoqualmie Pass and watch Dan play - about a 60-70 minute drive from my house. He wound up booking 2 more gigs that same day, all in different towns and it was a logistical nightmare. He really wanted me to keep our plans, just modify them, but I was feeling disappointed as we had originally planned on spending the whole day at the music festival together (except for the one band he was playing in). So, I declined to go given the change in plans. I was feeling a little wound up/anxious on Sunday morning. Not over the change of plans but over my health stuff, life stuff. I wanted to get things done around my place but felt like a change in scenery would be good. So, first I went to Target and took care of some misc shopping i needed to do. Then, I decided to drop into a nearby towns little music festival that i had seen posted on one of my meetup groups. I didn't find the meetup people, but had a hoot of a time by myself. The seating was communal so i wound up sitting front row with some complete strangers and listened to some great music. That morning I had seen another meetup put on by some salsa dancers (NOT instructors) to sort of show newbies salsa basics. It was full and had a waitlist but I decided to sign up anyway. Sure enough, but that evening enough people had cancelled I was able to go! It was really fun. In some ways, they were better teachers than instructors because they took it really slow and clear and they kept it fun. I had a backup plan to go to a place that does free country dance lessons on Sunday night but I was too tired by then and went home! I do lots of stuff by myself, and I admit I sometimes feel like it is pathetic... and i see other single women doing the same thing I can't help but feel that sense of "why are we alone" kind of thing. But, you know, the truth of the matter is that I don't have THAT MANY friends that want to go do stuff. Alot of the people I know want to ride horses, but not much else. And besides that, i don't want my social life to have to be planned out - and so many people plan their calendars to the last minute so they are NOT spontaneous like I am. I wish I were a better planner, but even without the last minute plans changed with Dan, i still would not have had this sketched out in detail... I am just a bit more of a free spirit about just up and doing things (this by the way, drove my EX crazy!) Anyway, it was good!