Over the last week or so I've immersed myself into TedTalks, a yearly convention that is the brain and spirit trust that shows both the absolute best and worst of humanity. It combines science, art, music, humor, and every other aspect that makes us human. It's been inspiring on so many levels, and it has also caused me to really think.
One of the talks was on shame and vulnerability, why we feel them, and how those feelings (and how we deal with them) are important to our lives. I know that for myself I dealt with those emotions by reaching for the cookie box or eating way too much food. I think a lot of people who know me think that I'm an open person because I like to laugh and joke around. Yet I definitely have some very tall, very large boundaries as I am, at heart, a rather private person. This journey has really been a struggle for me because it makes me uncomfortable to be vulnerable in front of others. To go to the doctor and say, "I need this surgery. That I cannot lose weight on my own and will only continue to gain." To go to my best friends with confidence (all the while feeling shame) and tell them that I am getting this surgery. To realize that shame was illogical, but to feel it anyway. Two of my closest friends sat down with me to talk about why I decided to do this. I could see that my normal flippant responses wouldn't work, and that they were important enough to me to try and be as open as possible. God, it was hard, though. So very, very hard. I think I would rather run through the streets naked rather than open up emotionally like that. The results, though, were that they understood and now are really supportive.
My surgery of April 25th is quickly approaching, and I realize how much I really want things to change. I want to stand at my 30th birthday in November and look back and realize that not only am I healthier and have started a more active life...but I also want to be a more emotionally open person. Kinder, more compassionate, and more honest with myself and others. I'm not really sure how to do that but I guess that's part of the journey.
I haven't posted anything on my blog for a while, because I always have to sit and get my thoughts organized and think about what I want to say. And quite truthfully, I have been to lazy to organize my thoughts and try to put them down in any coherant manner! But today I am taking a few minutes to sit and rest (have been cleaning house and baking all day long, preparing to go to work) and I thought, I really need to write down how I am thinking, doing, feeling, etc.
It is Friday, and it is my weekend to work. Have to work tonight at 7:00 PM till 7:30 AM tomorrow morning, and again tomorrow night and Sunday night. So my weekend will be totally taken up with work. Will get off Monday morning at 7:30 AM, and have a couple of days off.
I always get frantic before I have to work 3 or 4 nights in a row, trying to get my house clean, my laundry caught up, everything done that I know needs to be done, so that I don't have to worry about it while I am working, and think about getting it done when I get home. (I sleep at the hospital where I work when I work consecutive nights like this weekend. So won't even be home again till sometime Monday morning.)
Today I weighed myself and saw that I am still gaining and losing the same 2 or 3 pounds that I have gained and lost a gazillion times since the beginning of December. And I asked myself "WHEN am I going to get serious and really TRY to make it past this stall that I have been in for almost three months now?"
It is so easy to try "just a bite" of whatever is handy, or whatever I am baking, etc. And before I know it, I have eaten a couple hundred calories, just "trying a bite"! Today, I have decided that I need to get serious. I know, I have said this before, but today I mean it. I am starting to get concerned that I will never reach goal if I don't REALLY get serious about this whole weight loss thing. I mean, for YEARS and YEARS I have played the weight loss game. Lose a few pounds and then eat something that I know I shouldn't, and start the deadly weight gain again.
So today, I went to the (dreaded, filthy, overcluttered, badly needing to be cleaned out) basement, and hauled my treadmill and exercise bike upstairs, where I would have to see them EVERYDAY that I am home, and get on them and do something good for myself!
I just last week finished re-painting and decorating our bedroom, and there is now room for both of them in our bedroom. So I am placing them there, and going to MAKE myself get on each of them every day I am here at home.
Furthermore, I am also going to start a log, and keep track of how much time I put in on each. I used to have a boss that always said "that which gets measured gets done", meaning the things that are important to you to accomplish need to be measured to make sure you are making progress toward getting them done.
So fellow sleevers, wish me well! I need encouragement to get this thing accomplished. I REALLY WANT to make it to goal! I want to make a permanent change in my lifestyle and be healthier and happier. I just need to get off my behind and get serious, and get busy.
That's it for today. Hope you all have a great weekend!
(P.S. The baking I mentioned is for my daughter. I don't bake much for us anymore, cause I tend to eat it. I made pastries for her card party tonight, but they are ones that don't taste good till after they are baked, so I didn't even try them! Good for me!)
