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Shame And Vulnerability

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Lyra

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Over the last week or so I've immersed myself into TedTalks, a yearly convention that is the brain and spirit trust that shows both the absolute best and worst of humanity. It combines science, art, music, humor, and every other aspect that makes us human. It's been inspiring on so many levels, and it has also caused me to really think.

 

One of the talks was on shame and vulnerability, why we feel them, and how those feelings (and how we deal with them) are important to our lives. I know that for myself I dealt with those emotions by reaching for the cookie box or eating way too much food. I think a lot of people who know me think that I'm an open person because I like to laugh and joke around. Yet I definitely have some very tall, very large boundaries as I am, at heart, a rather private person. This journey has really been a struggle for me because it makes me uncomfortable to be vulnerable in front of others. To go to the doctor and say, "I need this surgery. That I cannot lose weight on my own and will only continue to gain." To go to my best friends with confidence (all the while feeling shame) and tell them that I am getting this surgery. To realize that shame was illogical, but to feel it anyway. Two of my closest friends sat down with me to talk about why I decided to do this. I could see that my normal flippant responses wouldn't work, and that they were important enough to me to try and be as open as possible. God, it was hard, though. So very, very hard. I think I would rather run through the streets naked rather than open up emotionally like that. The results, though, were that they understood and now are really supportive.

 

My surgery of April 25th is quickly approaching, and I realize how much I really want things to change. I want to stand at my 30th birthday in November and look back and realize that not only am I healthier and have started a more active life...but I also want to be a more emotionally open person. Kinder, more compassionate, and more honest with myself and others. I'm not really sure how to do that but I guess that's part of the journey.

 

Either way, it's gonna be a hell of a ride.

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I wish I had done this surgery in my 30s...I was always of the mindset that I could do it on my own...well, fifteen years have passed and I am still fat, fatter than before...I have lost 50, 60 pounds, and put it right back on even though I would tell myself I wouldn't. I decided last year that it was time I took some action, no matter how drastic, to change my life. My surgery is tomorrow. Yes, I am nervous, but I am looking at it as a new beginning. I have been hiding in my fat for so long, I have forgotten what it was like to be normal. Anyway, this is not the miracle -- this is a tool to help you achieve weight loss and be able to keep it off.

P.S. They used to do this surgery a long time ago, but they called it something else...my husband's aunt had half of her stomach taken out 50 years ago. I assume she probably had h. pylori or something, before they knew it was bacteria. She has always been slim since.

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I can relate to shame in a really big way. There have been times when every step I've taken has been in pain or shame. Your resolution to yourself as you move into your 30s reminded me of my facebook post today:

“Marry yourself first -- promise never to leave you!”~SARK~ This reminds me of how we sometimes compromise ourselves for the (imagined) happiness of others. Imagine making vows to yourself... a promise to always love and cherish yourself, to be gentle and honest with yourself, to care for your body in sickness and in health, and to always be loyal, supportive, and forgiving of yourself. Consider buying yourself a ring and in a small, private ceremony... declare to the world that for the rest of your days... you shall be committed to loving the most important person in your life... YOU. HAPPY MONDAY! ♥

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