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Hopeful to be full

LAP-BAND Patients

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Blog Entries posted by Hopeful to be full

  1. Let me first tell you a little about myself. I grew up as a very athletic and yes a very skinny kid without a care in the world. Then the teenage years hit and I started battling depression. As a result I was put on drug after drug, many of which cause weight gain or atleast an inevitable carb obsession which leads to obeseity. I essentially became my feelings: slow, sluggish. I used food to try to fix my problems. But it didn't work, so I ate more and more.Don't get me wrong even in my teens and twenties there were times when I was healthy and thin, but then I would yo-yo back everytime my medications would have to be changed or tweaked to treat my depression and anxiety. From the time I graduated college 2008 to 2011, I yo-yoed up 100 lbs from 155 lbs weight to almost 257 lbs at 5'4''. This was the position I found myself at when I started my process of approval for lapband surgery in July of 2011. I was over 250 lbs. A size 22 pants and xxl in tops. It was the seemingly little things that made life so miserable as an overweight person. Some of these little things included walking from my car into the schools for work. I got mad at myself everytime I forgot something upstairs because the walk up the steps took my breath away. I would get blinding back pain. And then there were the times when people asked me "when is the baby due?" that really ruined my self esteem. I guess it wasn't there fault. I did look like an egg on stilts with my apple shape and protruding tummy.
    I knew right away that a typical diet wouldn't work for me. As long as I was able to each such large amounts of food it wouldn't matter what food I was eating (even healthy food is not longer healthy if the quantity is too large). I needed something to help my control the bottomless pit that was my stomach. Something that would stop my stomach from being treated like the trash compactor that it had become. Most importantly I needed a solution that would allow me to still absorb the medications I needed to maintain my mood. The lapband was the tool I chose to help myself lose weight. Yes, it is a tool not a fix all or miracle cure.
    So far I have used my tool along with diet and exercise to lose about 60 lbs. I am now in what some people call "onderland" where that first number on the scale is a 1 instead of a 2,3,4 etc. It has to be one of the best feelings in the world. I now wear a size 14 pants and a large top. Even though I'm not what many people call skinny or what I even consider skinny, I know that the decision I made and the sucess I have earned and deserve is signifigant to my health and wellbeing. I now don't have to struggle so much with the physical and emotional weight that was taking over my life. I can walk, I can even run (a little) and I love cycling. It hasn't been easy. In fact, it has been really hard to give up the food that I was using to comfort myself; in fact I still battle emotions that cause me to overeat, but now I feel like it's a battle I can win.
  2. Yesterday was my 6th month anniversary of being banded (was banded November 30th). My starting weight was 257. My weight was 247 the day of surgery. I currently have 4.5 cc in a 14 cc band. My current weight is around 217! I AM 40 POUNDS THINNER THAN I WAS AROUND THANKSGIVING. In fact, I've lost about two turkeys myself or 8 pounds of sugar or however you wanna look at it. TO ME, THAT'S GREAT! Sure it's not the big numbers some people are pulling, but it's amazing for me. To show you how amazing I'm including an old journal entry..........
     
    THE OLD ME TALKING:
    ".... During the weekend it was really difficult to count calories when it feels like every calorie is a big mistake. So the good thing was that I started counting again, the bad thing is that I ate over 2,500 calories today, and I know that's not conducisve to weight lost.....
    After my appointment I was sooooo drained, I didn't go to the gym. I just couldn't get in the right mindset. I have to be in the right mind set and do things in a certain way when it comes to working out. Then I felt bad because I shoulda, coulda, woulda went. This is the type of thing I was talkin about. I feel like if I was a better, different, person I would have pulled things together and went. ".....
     
    THE NEW ME TALKING:
    I used to be a size 22. NOW I AM A SIZE 16. I used to hate going to the gym. NOW (althought I dont love it, love it) I ENJOY THE GYM AND RARELY SKIP EXERCISING. I used to have trouble doing 15 mintues on the elliptical. NOW I CAN DO 60 MINUTES ON THE ELLIPTICAL, BUT WHAT I REALLY LOVE IS SPIN CLASSES!!! I used to be out of breath, and have back and knee pain from walking. NOW I CAN WALK FOR AN HOUR PLUS OUTSIDE! I used to be so fat that people thought i was pregnant. :ph34r: NOW PEOPLE TELL ME I LOOK NICE, CAUSE I DO!
     
    Although every day is not perfect with the band. Things are so much better than they were! I still struggle with my food addiction everyday. The band does not cure the addiction just like locking the liquor cabinet doesn't cure alcoholism. Food addiction is a real thing and mine isn't going anywhere. I still have to fight myself to make the right choices. AND I DO MAKE MISTAKES, OFTEN, TOO OFTEN. But I've learn to pick myself up and start again the next day! And I you can see I used to eat upwards of 3,000 calories a day. Now I eat about half that (it should be less) but i'm wortking on it! The band isn't for everyone, but it's working for me. GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE OUT THERE! :wub:
  3. On thursday last, I went to the doctor to weigh in and get a fill. Last appointment weight was 232. NOW I'M DOWN 5 LBS! (227). Let me say it feels so good to be in the 220's. I haven't been this thin in two whole years! I'm down a total of about 30 lbs in 4 months since my pre-op diet. I no longer look like I'm 6 months pregnant or hiding a watermelon under my shirt. lol. I feel like I can get dressed without feeling like it's a chore to find something to hide my form; that is such a weight off my shoulders (literally). And, I feel like I can look strangers in the eye now instead of praying i'm invisisble to the world.
     
    In other news, my doctor decided to only give me .5 cc's as a fill because I am getting stuck on certain things. (This brings me to a total of 3.5 cc's in my 14 cc band. I'm getting stuck on certain things, yet I feel like I am still way in the yellow zone. I don't make a practice of eating too much, but sometimes it doesn't feel like the band is cutting the quantity of food as much as it could be. I know some people on the forums/blogs that get full after a couple of bits, and that's definitely not my personal experience. I think the band helps me to eat less a little, but most of it's me choosing to eat less; either way i'm not getting full until i have a cup of food. I hope my doctor will give me a fill next time too. 3.5 cc's does not seem like a lot of fluid and I think maybe a bigger fill would help with speeding up the weight loss; just a thought.
     
    To make all this possible I have been working out like crazy; i spend about 2 hrs at the gym everyday. Now that I'm lighter I can exercise even more than I was before and push myself harder. For me weight loss isn't possible without exercise because I haven't conquered all my bad eating habits yet; i need to burn upwards of 1,000 cal at the gym or I wouldn't make progress. Here's to sticking it out and doing my best everyday! Good luck to everyone else on their journey and "may the odds be ever in your favor" as they say in the Hunger Games.
  4. I have been stressed lately because I can't seem to get the scale to move my way. I am scale obsessed and weigh myself multiple times a day hoping praying that it will move. When it goes up I panic and am depressed when it goes down i feel like it's a good day. The fickle piece of metal and gears totally controls my moods. HELP I was banded Nov 30th. My starting weight was 257 and I weigh about 230 right now. My weigh loss has really slowed down since the honeymoon phase. I have 3cc in my band. I get 1cc every month when i see my surgeon. I usually only lose about 2 lbs a month if I'm lucky. I have only lost 8 lbs in the last 3 months and it makes me sad. I work really hard at the gym 5 days a week. I'm usually chugging away on the elliptical for 30 minutes and then I weight train for at least 45 minutes. In addition to that I work with a personal trainer 3x a week for an hour. I'm just so exhausted.
     
    I just can't seem to break some of my old habit. I may not be eating much quanity wise but i eat too often. I am a snacker and it's a problem. I graze too much during the day because I am currently unemployed and don't have much to take up my time. Because of all the stress from not being able to work i can't sleep at night and get can't get energy during the day. I feel so lost. But i'm trying to do better.
     
    I track my food but it hasn't really helped me to cut back on the calories. Instead it makes me paranoid and guilty when i go over 1200 calories, which I always seem to do. Does anyone else have this problem????????I guess the positive side is that I AM EATING WAY LESS THAN I DID. Just maybe not enough less to speed up weight loss? So anyways I just wanted to rant a little bit cause I'm feeling discouraged.
     
    I guess I should focus on my NSV (non scale victories). At the gym I can do dumbell burpies and bench dips a lot easier now that I have lost 5 lbs. I am going to the gym pretty much everyday. I have gone from a 22 size pants to a loose 18. I can wear XL tops at most stores. I don't have blinding back pain when I walk. My stomach doesn't look like it's holding a baby anymore and people no longer ask when I'm expecting. Some people have noticed that I'm losing weight. My jeans aren't tight and I don't have to strain to get the button done. I'm not spilling out of my bra.... well that's all I can think of right now.
  5. background.I started my journey november 30th 2011 weighing in at 250 lbs. three months later i weigh 234 lbs. I have had two fills (my next one is tomorrow and i'm nervous) bringing me to 2cc in my 14cc band. my doctor fills 1cc at a time. that's it (no negotiation on that one)! I AM EXERCISING AND I AM TRACKING MY FOOD (but i have trouble stopping when i've cross my cal limit)
     
    I am feeling a little ashamed, defeated and nervous about going in for my 3rd fill tomorrow. I have not lost a lb. since my last fill a month ago. I am ashamed that I haven't done a better job with my diet. I don't want my doctor to think that I don't care or that I'm just another failure patient that can't get their act together. Like a lot of other bandsters out there I struggle with portion control, carb control, and especially snacking. I am an emotional eater and deal with almost every emotion or mood with food. Yes, there are times when I do well and say no to my urges, but more often than not I give in. As a result, I'm not losing as fast as I would like. Obviously I have some deep food issues or I wouldn't have gotten fat or needed surgery to begin with, right?
     
    Today I took the time to go over the materials (diet recommendations) that were giving to me before my surgery to help get me back on track. I am definately not following the portions that were recommended to me all the time (I admit my shortcomings), but I'm just not full after 3oz. of food. So far my band has not helped me 100% of the time with portion control. I can still eat too much (although way less than I was eating before surgery). Sometimes I just fee like the band and I aren't working well together yet. And I felt really frustrated while reading the diet recommendations again. for example NO SNACKING. If I could eliminate snacking altogether myself I wouldn't need the band!!! I thought the band would help with hunger more and give me a full feeling, right? I dunno.THIS IS BAND HELL. I CAN'T SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL YET HELP!
     
    Perhaps I'm disillusioned when it comes to what the band can do for me. Or maybe I'm just in bandster hell and the band isn't working at full compacity yet. I dunno. I just had to get all these feeling off my chest. Sometimes I think I will definately fail, that I am a failure and then I give up and eat. or I think I will fail anyways so I sabotage myself with food. (maybe deep down I'm so used to fail I will myself to fail) How do I get rid of these negative thoughts????? Has anyone ever felt this way in their journey????
     
    Thank you for taking the time to give me some insights into how you made your journey a sucess
  6. Dear LapBand World,
     
    Here's my story I started out at 257lbs and lost 10 pre-op. On November 30th the day of surgery I weighed 247lbs. In the two weeks after surgery I lost 10 more lbs and was down to 237. Since then I have only lost 2 more lbs. I had my first fill January 12th and haven't really noticed a differance in restriction. I have a 14 cc band and my doctor fills only 1 cc at a time.THE REASON I AM WRITING ALL THIS IS BECAUSE I'M NOT LOOSING LIKE I THOUGHT I WOULD. I have only lost 22 lbs so far and most of it was shortly before and shortly after banding. IS THIS BANDSTER HELL????? I try to eat what I'm supposed to by I tend to overeat, obviously or I wouldn't have needed the surgery to begin with. i know i'm eating more than i should( and i'm working on it) but i still am eating ALOT LESS THAN I USED TO. I'm worried because I see others on this forum loosing more weight and I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE. My questions are when did you start to REALLY REALLY loose weight??? AND how does restriction help with weight loss once you get it?????? I am tracking my food and exercising although i could do better with both. any other suggestions??? Should i be panicking??? or is any of this normal
  7. Background: I ate "dinner" at 6 o clock (fish and yogurt). went to church. now i'm up to bat again at the plate-the dinner plate hahaha! not good. and now that it's night and i'm feeling blue i eat another even bigger dinner.
     
    I grew up as a grazer. I would eat a little here. Go Play. eat a little there. do my homework. eat some more. And it was all okay. I was a tiny kid/young adult that was healthy and hopeful. As I have gotten older this mode of eating has been slowly waging a war against my waistline. A little bit here and there has turned into a big problem.
    I guess now the major differance now is that my grazing portions have really increased...eat a lot here. eat a lot there. eat....eat....eat...
    Now for me grazing provides an opportunity to avoid responsibility for my food and my life. Grazing whenever I feel sad or upset helps me to avoid the problems in my life. Grazing also allows me to trump the food journal system. If I can't remember (or choose not to remember) what i ate because it was a bite here and there, then I can't write it down and feel bad about it. Food journalling makes me feel depressed. So I figure if I'm eating in weird patterns and ways I can somehow avoid the pain of accountability. I really don't know what else to say, other than I need help. Are there any other hardcore grazers out there? how did u face up to what you were actually eating. what rules or strategies did you use?
  8. So yesterday was my birthday and I was away from the house for about 6 hours (I live with my parents). While I was away my mom gave away my "thin clothes". I haven't always been heavy and about 3 years ago, I enjoyed a large wardrobe of designer 8 and 10's. Obviously at 255 (not banded yet) I haven't worn those clothes in some time, but I always told my self "don't worry you will get back into them". They were my crutch, my reminder that I was thin and could be again. And now they're gone. When I confronted my mom she said "When you loose the weight you'll want new clothes and I'll buy them for you". She is right, I'm sure I'll want new clothes, BUT I ALSO WANTED MY OLD THIN CLOTHES! It feels weird not having thin clothes in my closet, it feels like I'm officially fat now that I don't have smaller clothes. It feels like resignation to fathood. In the end it's not about the clothes as material possessions, it's the hope they used to give me. I'm sure if I wanted I could get the clothes back, but the damage is done because the feeling of fatness is there. Sometimes I feel like this lapband thing is never gonna happen, that I'm going to be stuck this way forever with no way out. I want my old life back and I miss the life those clothes represented. HELP!
  9. Dear BansterWorld, I need help.
    Background: I was banded nov.30th. since then i have lost about 24 lbs (mostly in the week before/after surgery). I have a 14 cc band. I received my first fill jan 12th (1cc) and i just got my second fill tues (also 1cc).
     
    Ugh I am struggling soooooooooooo much. I've pretty much stopped losing weight. I only lost 1 lb between my first fill and my second.I have no restriction and I'm having trouble controlling myself. I KNOW I SHOULDNT' BE FREAKING OUT. MY DOCTOR IS HAPPY WITH MY PROGRESS and told me I was doing okay. But I still feel worried. When I decided I wanted the surgery I wasn't aware how conservative my doctor is with fills. He is very adament about following the manufactor's directions to fill the band slowly and avoid complications. He assures me "this has all been researched extensively" and the slow fill process is what's best. OKAY I GET IT. I believe what he says but it doesn't help the impatience I feel.
     
    I am an emotional eater. I eat when I'm sad. I eat when I'm happy. I eat when I'm bored. I eat for every emotion and there's always another emotion to eat. I don't know what to do and I feel lost. I would like to hear from other emotional eaters on how they have conquered their problems with eating (especially eating too often). Today was a really bad day. I felt like I had to eat every 3 hrs and I ate some peanut butter M and M's (I hardly ever eat candy) because I felt frustrated about the situation.
     
    I JUST WANT SOME INSIGHT ON HOW PEOPLE GOT TO THE POINT WHERE THEY EXPERIENCED MORE SUCCESS THAN FAILURES when it came to emotional eating. Right now I feel like I've had some success, but not enough to outnumber my failures and allow me to lose weight.
  10. I have some questions for anyone who has clinical depression (takes meds) and has the band.
     
    I suffer from Bipolar II and currently take several medicines to manage my disease (zoloft, limictal, invega). I am concerned how my mental stage will be affected by the process of lap band surgery before during, and after. So here are my questions...
     
    For those of you on depression meds...Did you have to change to different meds or change your dosage after lap band surgery? Coud u swallow your meds (did u crush them?)Did having the surgery and all that it entails severely affect your moods to the point where you had trouble functioning? What was your mental state like after surgery?
     
    I'm reluctant to get surgery for fear that I will become more depressed etc. I want to talk to others and hear feedback that it is possible to have depression (for which you take meds) and still suceed with the lap band. Thanks for your help!
  11. Hello Everyone,
    Today I started my 10 day pre-op diet. My diet consists of four protein shakes (each 160 cal) using the Bariatric Advantage powder; I recommend the chocolate flavor; the orange creamsicle tastes like fouride! I am also allowed to have two cups of low-starch low-cal fruits and vegetables (such as apricots, squash, salad etc).
     
    I started my day out strong. Had a shake. Loved the shake. Slept in more (lol). 12 pm Got going again, had a shake and got my butt going. Went to the gym for an hour doing some cardio, crunches, and heavy lifting. Drank 31 oz. of unsweetened tea. Felt a little hungry so I had some tomato soup and found out afterwards that although it didn't have milk, it did have rice syrup in it! WHOOPS! I when you feel like you're doing so great and you make a stupid mistake. not cool. Back on the wagon.
     
    Did some chores, took a post-workout shower, and had shake number 3 @ 5:30 pm. Went to the opening of a new bookstore in my town and I started to feel hungry. Something about capitalism, consumerism, and browsing in a store (even a store without food) makes us hungry; i think it's our hunter/gatherer instincts making us think we need something to hunt and eat. BUT THEN I WENT FOOD SHOPPING wit my mom to get some things (vegetables I can have on diet) at Giant food stores. TALK ABOUT TEMPTATION! My mom had to get some things on her list so I was forced to brave the bread and bakery section. At this point I'm STARVING and all i can smell is yeast and bleached flower and I want to dive in and start ripping open the nearest loaf and devouring it. BUT I DIDN'T I just got what I needed and got ouutta there.
     
    For my second vegetable of the day I had spaggetti squash SO GOOD. you just scrape out the seeds, cover it with plastic wrap, and pop it into the micro on a plate for 20 min. It has the taste and texture of spagettii so it's a good filler when you can't have what you want.
     
    Now I'm trying to down my 4th shake but it just tastes like crap now. I WANT REAL FOOD.But I have to remind myself that the pre-op DIET IS FOR A PURPOSE. TO GET THE SURGERY AND GET HEALTHY GET THIN. good luck to everyone on this journey!
  12. Much to my dismay, my pulmonary doctor (who I was required to see as part of the pre-op requirements) ordered a sleep study; her initiative: "I have a closed off (a.k.a. fat) throat". Anyone who knows me, knows that I have trouble sleeping. I can't fall asleep. I can't stay asleep. Which leads to oversleeping. I'm an anxious person when it comes to sleeping. And so, the doctor's order seemed rather counterintuitive: This girl has trouble sleeping, so let's hook her up to lots of machines, with lots of wires, in an alien enviornment and see how it all works out. Long story, short: I COULD NOT SLEEP. Short story, longer: I will most likely have to do the study again.
    When I got home from sleeping all night, I, in turn, slept all day. Which lead to staying up all night again etc. I am out of sync. When I can't sleep, or don't sleep well, I eat. Nothing calms me down and starts the ZzZzzzz like some carbs and peanut butter. On this given night I devoured a box of fruit roll-ups (interesting choice, I know!)
    The result, I feel sluggish, overtired, undertired, tired, plain blah. And then the negative thinking starts. (Devil) How will I deal with the band when I have yet to control my eating . (Angel) The band can help you control your eating. (Sly Devil) It will be just another diet, set of rules, you can't follow. (Angel) Maybe things can be different? (Devil with the blue dress) You can't do it. This is a bad idea. You are worthless. You can't matter. (Angel) Maybe he's right. (Devil Wearing Prada) You will never wear Prada!
    How do people who have dieted all their lives and tried and failed and tried and failed, come to the decision to get banded? Even if the band is just a "tool" how do you decide to want to learn how to use it when you've tried other tools (gimmicks) without luck? How do you aspire to hope when you can't remember how?
     
     

  13. First Blog Post

    · Hopeful to be full · 08/03/2011 03:41

    Hi. My name is Lauren. I'm 25 years old, 5'4'', 252 lbs. (BMI about 42/43?)I have been struggling with my weight since I was about 15 when I was put on prescription medication for depression. As a result of the medication, I gained a signifigant amount of weight in a short amount of time. Fortunately I was able to loose that initial weight gain with diet and exercise. Then I changed medications again, gained weight...lost the weight. Changed medications again etc etc. In summary, I have been yo-yo-ing for about ten years, going from skinny to obese and back about 3 times. Each time I yo-yo I gain back the weight, and then some. Familar story for a lot of us. IN 2008 I weighed about 155 lbs. Then a bunch of things happened: went through a breakup, lost my job, havent been able to find a job (I'm a teacher). Now I'm 251 lbs. and feeling really bad I'm depressed and ready for a change.
     
    I have been thinking about bariatric surgery for a couple of months now. At first, I was thinking of gastric bypass, but then I found out about the band. In July I met with Dr, Edward Garber (York, PA, USA) about the possibility of getting the band. I went into the appointment thinking, "They will say no. They will say no." Because so many bad things have been happening in my life I was sure no one would be able to help me. Good News. Dr. Garber said the surgery could help me. He said people around my height/weight have a lot of trouble loosing weight. This made me feel like, "Ok, this is a problem other people have." For so long I just blamed myself and blamed myself, and ate, and blamed myself. Now I don't feel so alone.
     
    So far, I have gone to 2 nutrition classes, and had a pulmonary exam. I still have to go through a psych eval. which I am worried about since I'm depressed (but stable) . Then I have to meet with the dietician, and also go to a support meeting. After all that's done, I hope to send my paperwork in and get an insurance approval. My insurance is different than a lot of people's in that I don't have a mandatory supervised pre-op diet. I am thankful for that because I have been dieting and exercising all year to no avail. I hope to get the surgery in Novemberish/Decemberish depending on when the insurance approval comes through. I am hoping and praying to get approved as I know this can be a complicated and disappointing process. I am trying my best to stay calm and mantain my weight.
     
    I can't wait to make these changes that will improve my quality of life!
  14. Hi again,
     
    I feel like I've started to struggle with a lot of the same problems I had before I got the band; I guess the problems never really got resolved or went away it just seemed like it. One of my worst habits is eating at night. I just can't seem to help myself. I wake up in the night and my first instinct is to eat eat eat. It's so ingrained in my mind. It's like my second nature. And the problem is I don't just eat one thing. I want to eat everything that comes to mind! It's not that it's junk food, it's good nutritional food, it's just that it IS CALORIES. Too many calories.
     
    I feel like I've tried everything to change the habit. Locking the kitchen door and hiding the key. Taking water and a small snack with me upstairs so I don't go down. Sleeping medications. Therapy.
     
    WHY CAN'T I GET A HOLD OF MYSELF AND STOP THIS.
     
    I ate again in the night (really this morning) again today. I have eaten 500 calories and it's not even 7 am. And I know there are people out there that only eat 1000 cal a day. I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DO IT! I feel so bad about myself I don't even want to move this morning. It feels like my whole day is a disaster and it's RUINED BY MY MISTAKE. Now I feel like I have to starve myself the rest of the day to make up for all I ate at 12:30 in the night. I don't know that I'm looking for a solution from other people, i just feel like I need to get this off my chest. But suggestions are welcome. Thanks for the talk.

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