Day Dreamer

Well technically I do not have a black eye but it is more of way of saying I keep beating myself up. If you have read my blogs/post before, you know I have to maintain or gain (maybe 5lbs) to make BMI for insurance approval. My weight fluctuates on a daily basis, which is disheartening. Last night the insurance coordinator asked me my weight again and I felt so bad when she said you need to make BMI. I know ..Why is it that my whole life I have gained, gained, gained and now when I need to gain – it is so hard? I actually feel guilty about eating like there is no tomorrow. Ugh. Who would have thought gaining weight on purpose would suck so much? The dark truth: I ate alone in a Wal-Greens parking lot last night. As I slurped up my noodles in fettuccini sauce, I felt this deep sense of embarrassment. I looked around for parking lot cameras. I hid every bite from cars that parked beside me in fear they would see this fat girl eating alone in her car. Here I am stuffing my face in private because I didn’t have time to go home and eat dinner before my seminar. I really felt like a loser… a lonely, fat loser. I could have gotten a child size meal and been full, but I had to get a full size meal with extra sauce. This is how I got here in the first place. This is a series of bad choices, bad eating habits and even worse eater’s remorse which ultimately leads to more pigging out. Food was my friend and is now quickly becoming my enemy. I am starting to resent food. This might be great for when I finally get my surgery – but what if – oh that darn what if – what if I don’t get approved? I will have gained this weight for nothing? I so want to just drink one of my protein shakes and be done with lunch. Yet here I sit knowing if I drink it I will be full, eat nothing else and end up in the restroom losing 5 lbs LOL. Ok TMI .. sorry. To make things worse, I look in the mirror and absolutely hate this new heavier me. Not that I am that much heavier than I was last week, but 5lbs really weighs on you. I feel like a monster. My clothes look ill-fitted, I see rolls I didn’t notice before and I just feel like poo. I suppose I should just suck it up and wait out the month to see if I am approved. I am not trying to gain anymore weight after today. I will rely on my current weight and clothing to make BMI. We shall see. I just can’t force down anymore crap food and expect to feel “good”. I hate this feeling – like dragging @ss… not cool. Ok two black eyes… I know.

I heard someone describe their fat life as a jail cell. She said she was a skinny girl in a fat cell. That is me!! I cannot wait to break out of this jail and never look back! Thank you Fox

Part 1 - voice: self Muted laughter from behind the cubicles. Was it about me? I thought I looked cute today. Make a beeline for the ladies room, only to check the mirror and see a fat girl staring back at me. “Who are you?” I ask. She mocks me, “Who are you?” We both look down; sadness comes over. Cute? No. What was I thinking? I make my way back to my cubicles and work in silence. What makes women so mean? We are all even right? Not so much. The easy answer is that they are mean because I am fat. The honest answer is that because I am fat, I am also insecure. Their laughter could be over a silly email or text message, yet I assume it was me. One thing I need to work on is me. WLS is not going to cure me; so instead I shall use it as a stepping stone. I need to fix the outside and get healthy again. I also need to fix the inside so that the mind matches the new body. Fat. Skinny. Fatter. Skinnier. Obese and now extremely obese. I am reminded of this fact on a daily basis. My lack of self esteem has led my once extroverted personality to take shelter inside an introverted fat covering. The bigger I get, the more I hide. It is an evil game of cat and mouse. Sadly, I am both the cat and the mouse. I am my own worst enemy.

I love love love the Ren Fairs! I always wanted to participate in one. Sadly, I have only been a visitor. Thanks for the kind words. I am just in a funk It will end shortly, I hope. LOL

Congrats on a safe surgery!! Did you order the unflavored Protein from unjury? You could add it to unsweet tea, other clear Soups, mix it in SF jell-O etc. 2 weeks will get boring if you do the same thing everyday (especially for those that don't fancy sweets). Good luck!!

Good Luck Bellah!!! Cheers to a safe surgery and speedy recovery!!

Congrats girl!! I know that inner skinny girl is just bursting to come out!! Can't wait to see the new you! Keep us updated on your progress!! :cheer:

Pfft!! I don't mind at all; I rather enjoy hearing others views. BTW I got my intake appointment date.. Bluegrass was booking for mid April :eek: but someone cancelled, so I am in next week. Wish me luck b/c I might need it. My BMI is borderline and the insurance manager mentioned it twice (or more). Hmm. Time to eat [again] hahaha!

5 weeks?!?! Oh my... Is that because you are using employer paid Short Term Disability? I did not elect STD :eek: so I am not sure if I will need the surgeons release. Hmm. I will need to ask!! Thanks!

Good Luck and keep us updated

:eek: Sorry, I didnt see the other thread for this topic

Are you naturally light skinned? Are you taking Vitamins? Maybe you need a higher dose. Low levels of Biotin, folic acid, Vitamin B6 and Iron (anemia) can cause pale skin. How do you feel? If you feel fine but the color is messing with your head, maybe you could get some sun outside Good luck!

http://abcmedicaltourism.com/en/gastric_sleeve_plication_surgery.php This surgery presents two chief differences compared to the gastric sleeve surgery. First of all the gastric sleeve plication is much less invasive than other bariatric surgeries. The second difference is that this operation does not involve the remove of gastrointestinal tissue. There is some banter about the complications on the VST boards. Finding a lot of research might be hard but can be done. I would also suggest YouTube for experience vlogs.

I am happy that Anthem doesn't require me to do a diet either, because I would be under the min BMI. I don't have to show a history of BMI but I have heard that they require medical records or a Dr letter to show BMI. You can call or email Catherine and find out what they require for the BMI history. At least you could be working on that now while you wait for intake. When did you get out of the Army? I got out in 2007 - usually too ashamed to tell people I was a soldier though. I was just going through some old pix last night and almost cried over how small I was; and it wasn't that long ago! That kills me. Between a spinal cord injury, pregnancy and a low functioning thyroid the weight just piled on. I can't wait to get back to my "fighting" weight!! This time I plan on keeping it off and never getting back to where I am now. Anyway.. I turned my packet in to Bluegrass on the 5th at the seminar and still haven't been scheduled for an appointment. When I went for my 2nd seminar on the 15th I was told that they were still working on my packet - making sure I was a good canidate health and insurance wise. We shall see. I am still slated to go to the Louisville Bariatrics seminar on the 22nd although I really don't want the band. If I keep going to all these seminars I will be a professional here soon; maybe even start giving my own WLS seminars hahaaha! 2 Kaiser seminars 2 Bluegrass seminars 1 Louisville Bariatrics seminar (to go) hahaha!

Oh my!! I agree with the above post - you definitely need to up that Protein amount hun!! Good luck

Hi Dianne, welcome to the VST boards (officially). Congrats on your decision to move toward the VSG. I too started out as a possible Bandster, then moved to VSG. The people here are wonderful and very open to answering your questions (even if it has been a million times before). I love the support and encouragement on these boards!! So welcome!!! Heather

RE "I hope one day I can help support other's who are facing this challenge" You are already helping by inspiring us would-be sleevers with your positive words and by sharing your experience. Congrats on the safe surgery and good luck on a quick recovery!!

Congrats! Sounds like you have a very good head on your shoulders.Will you have someone accompaning you to the hospital?? Cheers to a safe and quick recovery!!

Welcome to VST!!! Did you have any complications?? Congrats on your weight loss

This is good information. Thank you for posting. One thing I want to add for self pays is to check for a surgeon that is certified through BLIS. Surgeons with very low complication rates are generally certified through BLIS. BLIScare offers a complication insurance coverage that can protect you if complications arise. It is a good investment for those that know they will not have any coverage otherwise. BLIS http://www.bliscompany.com/programs-and-services/bliscare-complication-insurance.html Also, if you get insurance through an employer (group insurance) you cannot be turned down. It is the private insurances that can deny you if you have had any WLS or complications. Good luck to all.

Agree with the above statement; milk is not a clear liquid. ISOPURE is ok but some people really dislike the flavor. Try adding Crystal Lite or sugar free KoolAid to the ISOPURE to help the flavor. unjury brand makes really yummy clear lquid protein; you can add the powder to your own liquid. http://www.unjury.com/store/protein/unjury-protein/unjury-protein-samples.html I bought a few of each flavor to find my favs. Some die hards like Myotein, but it is more expensive. These protein powders can be mixed into any clear liquid (water, juice, broth etc). Good luck.