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Today is my one month surgiversary (sleeveaversary?) Since coming home I'm down from 306 to 274 lbs. That's 32lbs so far. My rings are loose, but I have been living with being a big girl 31 of my 37 years. People ask me if I look in the mirror and see myself being smaller and the answer is no. At least not yet anyhow. I wonder if I will ever not see a fat girl as I progress. Even back a decade ago when I lost that 70 lbs, I never saw myself as being smaller, even though I went from wearing a size 26 to an 18. So what am I going to do today? Go to the gym of course. The LA Fitness is nice. It's brand new with big wooden lockers and equipment that works as it should, a sauna and a pool. Because of that it is always busy, and compared to my old gym, the people who go to this gym are much more fashion conscious about their gym attire. Dudebros at the old gym wore jorts and were okay wearing jorts. Most girls wore old t-shirts and yoga pants or capris. Or running shorts for the treadmill types The LA Fitness is very much high tech, moisture wicking, body con tank tops and capris. There is still an old tshirt and sweats crowd. The jorts crowd at my old gym apparently didn't all migrate to Planet Fitness (ugh). But still, I admit to feeling much more out of place. Hopefully as I get smaller and come in more often I won't feel so out of sorts.

Happy new month to everyone in WLS land. I haven't been writing much but I try to read about all of you. ​The end of July is my 2 year banding. Best thing I ever did. I am much healthier and I actually enjoy walking. My weight has been around the same for 1 year but my surgeon thinks I am at goal even though I would like to be 40-50 pounds less. I am around 190-195 right now. When I got married 43 1/2 years ago I was 144 and have not seen that number since. Under 200 maybe 2 times in all my married life. I enjoy eating out and do so almost every day at least one meal. Bread is a problem food for me so only great bread in restaurants and then mostly the crust and dunked in olive oil. A week ago I was out with my grandsons, 6 & 14 and husband and I ordered fried onion rings. I had 1 too many and after very bad slimming and throwing up slim I threw up that f**kn onion ring in front of the boys. How embarrassing is that? The band tells you when to stop and you need to listen. I enjoy outlet shopping and walking. I go almost once a week even if it is just window shopping. When I go walking I need to be someplace not just in my area, boring! So I went when it was the Memorial Day weekend sales!! OMG, I did good. I wear a size 12 shoe and Easy Spirit had sandals for 1/2 off. I bought 3 pairs for $80.!!!!!! Mighty fine value when you have huge feet and I am only 5'5". ​Congratulations to all who graduate this spring. Enjoy your summer. Arlene aka Eye Candy

Originally Posted on 05/21/2014 Link to original post: http://www.bigfatloserblog.com/2014/05/the-truly-scary-part-of-bariatric.html Since I announced the surgery, I have had a lot of people ask me if I'm nervous or excited about the surgery. Obviously, it's a mixture of emotions. While the surgery is a large commitment, I am not really nervous about the procedure itself. Dr. Jones does more of these surgeries than I care to think about, and at this point I'm sure he could perform it with his eyes closed (although, I'm not volunteering for that). The hospital where I am getting the procedure is brand new, and high tech. I don't expect any problems. However, I am scared of what comes after the surgery. I know what to expect in terms of my body and my health. I know what I need to do to ensure a successful surgery and recovery. What is NOT predictable is how the surgery will change me as a person. What do I mean when I say that? Well, I have known several people that have had bariatric surgery done, and it completely changed them. It transformed them into self entitled monsters. Granted, it doesn't affect everyone this way. I haven't noticed any changes in my family member that has had it done. However, out of the 5 people I know that got it done, only 2 of them have remained similar to their old selves. Let me tell you story of my (former) best friend. He had a Gastric Bypass done. Before the bypass he was truly my brother. I spent every waking moment of my life with him from age 16 until he moved away to Houston. Amanda and I went and visited him about a year or so after his surgery, and he looked fantastic! My initial thought was how confident he was. I could tell he was happy in his skin. The longer I spent there, the quicker I realized that it wasn't only his confidence. He seemed a little different. He spoke of his friends there in Houston, and they were not the type of people we would normally hang out with. These people weren't good people. They dabbled in things and activities that he would NEVER have participated in before. He explained that he had "come out of his shell". He had the confidence now to meet new people and get out of the house. I dismissed it, because after all, he had always been overweight, and maybe it was time for him to sow his wild oats. Fast forward to about 5 years in the future. I got a phone call one day from him. He was back in town, and wanted to visit. So, without hesitation I invited him over. We had some drinks, and I offered to let him crash at my place. To cut a long story short, and because it's a little painful to talk about, it ends like this. He hacked into my PC, he stole my credit card numbers, and he talked ALL night about people that were out to get him. Like some type of weird paranoid tweaker. He said filthy things about my ex wife, and was incredibly vain. Insisting I feel his arms because he was "ripped", and this went on all night. I later learned that this surgery can change you. It can transform you into a different person. With confidence comes great risks. Especially if you have lived as a fat guy for most of your life. You get attention that you normally would not get. This can result in pretty nasty personality changes. I am FAR from perfect. I have some issues with being selfish, and I can be a bit of a cynical a*****e. However, I pride myself on my manners, and try to have respect for others. I like me. I like my personality. Moreso before I started suffering with depression. However, I remember how I use to be, and I want to be that way again. I am terrified to let this surgery change me into someone that my friends don't like to be around. I tell myself that the fact that I even acknowledge that this could be an issue may be a good sign. Being aware of my actions and behavior is the first step of preventing negative personality changes. I learned from my psych eval, that as much as I would like to avoid it, Anti-depressants are going to be in my near future. With my past struggle with depression and anxiety, I simply can't afford to take any unnecessary risks.