Here I am on a Saturday morning, my only day off this weekend. Instead of making the best of it, I'm wallowing, feeling inept. My life has become unmanageable. More days than not I go to bed having to push out overwhelming negative thoughts. I have to numb myself so that I don't think about all the things I'm not doing or have done wrong or don't do as well as others. It's hard. Things bothering me are:

1. It's been almost a year since my surgery and I've lost 45 lbs. My better me thinks good thoughts about this. I've kept it off for longer than I've ever kept weight off in my life. But the rest of me is disappointed, not surprised though. I haven't worked at it for a very long time. I want to go back for another fill, but I'm afraid to show my face, be seen, be reprimanded for the long hiatus, be seen as a failure. I don't know why I can't do this. What is wrong with me. Conclusion: I haven't worked very hard at it, I regret that, but nothing is stopping me from getting back in the game if I can overcome what stops me.

2. Getting blown off by a guy who I thought would call. I thought I was doing him a favor seeing him again, and now I feel like a total idiot. Was I nasty to him, did he sense my disinterest? Was he not all that intereted to begin with? Why can't I get over it. Coming up on 30 I feel overwhelmed sometimes thinking that I will always be alone, like I didn't get picked for the team in gym class. I'm a reject and everyone else left to be with is a reject as well. Mostly I think, why do I keep trying to date when I know that I'm not remotely comfortable with who I am? Conclusion: I'm not ready to give up online dating because I don't have much going on in my life and even the occasional first date gives me something to get excited about. There is no reason I can't work on myself and continue dating.

3. I'm lonely. I hate that no one calls me to do anything. I don't feel like I matter to anyone. Granted Cara calls daily, but I'm tired of talking to her. I don't know if I should say anything. She just redirects every conversation towards herself and even when she does let me talk there's no conversation, just uh huh, yeah, that sucks - anyways...back to me. I can't keep it up. Beyond that, I feel like others here all have a life and put me it when I ask if they have to. Otherwise they all have significant others or close groups of friends. I'm alone, completely alone.

4. Work. I love when I'm with patients, but I'm just not challenged or inspired to work hard. I've become so lazy and I'm not learning anything. I have a chip on my shoulder that I'm not a real doctor, yet I make no effort to actually be an expert in what I do.

5. My apartment, it's a wreck. It's always been that way, it's nothing new. I've never been able to maintain my home. It's always a mad dash to clean it up, a promise to keep it up, and failure. I don't know why I can't do better. I think it's because I park myself in front of the boob tube every night and zone out until it's time for bed. Sad. I know things were better last year when I quit smoking. I would like to stop again, I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm definitely precontemplative.

6. I don't want to go home and disappoint my family with how I look.

7. I'm not in the holiday spirit, I'm really depressed that I'm alone again and have to beg the other folks to come over so that I can celebrate. I'm afraid I'm going to develop an aversion the holidays that I used to love so much.

8. All the crap I haven't done. Loan deferments being the biggest issue.

9. My hair, I can't believe that wasn't number one. I don't even know if I can write about it. It's pitiful and disgusting and I can't stop and I don't want to get help but I really don't want to go on like this. I say I can stop but I can't. I just don't want it to get any worse.

10. Apathy. I used to work a full time job, teach part time and study for classes and tests. During that time I journalled all the time and was able to live a normal life. Maybe I remember it better than it was. Why can't I do that now. I get home by 430 most days. I'm off more weekends than not.

SO, what now. I have the day off, what do I want to do with it. Can I even motivate myself to do anything?

What would make me feel better:

-getting out of the house

-doing something social

-shopping for dress pants

-fixing my other dress pants

-cleaning up a bit

-organizing clothes in my room

-sending Pete an email

-painting?