Random Ruminations at Midnight

I haven't blogged as much as I had hoped I would. Tonight, though, I can't get to sleep, so I thought this would be as good an opportunity as any to get some of these thoughts and see what they look like on the screen. I've seen a number of threads where people make their confessions or things like that. I don't know if I'm these will be as dramatic as all that, but as I'm approaching 5 months post op, a lot about me has changed, and a lot has stayed the same. So here's where I am tonight:

1. Losing weight changes so much in your life, but it doesn't change everything. This is obvious, yet something that I need to remind myself of from time to time. I'm extremely lucky-- I am, and was before surgery, very happy with my life in general. I have a great husband, great kids, a great job, and I'm meeting many of my professional goals. But the peripheral problems are still there, nagging: worries about work, paying for my son's college, questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing going back to school in the fall (I'm getting my doctorate). Stress continues. It's not unbearable, but man can it back up.

2 I'm terrified of gaining weight back. When I go to the support group or read stories on the message boards about people who have reached their goals and then slowly start putting it back on-- it just makes me so scared. Hopefully that fear with keep me focused. I also don't want to be totally obsessed about my weight for the rest of my life.

3. I'm hung up on certain numbers. I've lost 70 pounds and I should be so thrilled, but a big part of me simply won't believe that this is actually happening until I reach some major goals. I'm 4 pounds away from one of them now. 186. I have not seems 186 in more than 18 years.

4. The more weight I lose, the more my husband's weight bothers me. I adore this man; there's simply no doubt about this. But I feel like I'm working hard to make myself the best I can be and to be a healthy role model for our kids. And I'm watching him get bigger. He's picking up my slack. If I make the same amount of something that I used to, he eats his share and the part that I can no longer eat. I'm worried about his health and his self-image. I'd kinda like to keep him around for a while.

5. I'm really, really proud of myself. I am. And I'm not good at being proud of myself. I'm running, for God's sake. I've never been a runner, and I ran a 5k two weeks ago, and I'm jogging 2 or 3 miles on the treadmill 3-4 times a week right now. I want to scream it from the rooftops because I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD DO THIS. I wore a pair of size 12 jeans tonight. I haven't done that in more than 18 years.

6. Some of my friends are getting weird about it. Most are extremely supportive, but others seem uncomfortable with the thought of me no longer being the fat friend.

7. I'm uncomfortable with the compliments sometimes. Especially at work and that kind of thing. I always tell people I had surgery, and I find myself saying it as though that discounts the hard work that I've done. And I feel like the people I work with are constantly looking me up and down, assessing me. It's weird.

8. I'm so worried about extra skin. I've always had great boobs, and they are definitely deflating a bit. My arms are getting flappy, too. I'm terrified that I'm going to look like Jabba the Hutt's skinny sister.

9. Did I mention that I'm terrified about gaining weight? I don't want to look like Jabba the Hutt's fatter sister, either.

10. I still enjoy drinking wine, and I always will. Maybe that's why I'm losing 1.5-2 pounds a week instead of 3, but I can deal with that. I plan on living my life. If I don't work out some kind of balance, I won't be able to do this long term. And I must do this long term.