Here I am, one week before the big day. I go in for my pre-op appointment today and will start my liquid diet tomorrow. Tonight I am going to clean out the pantry and the fridge, take my measurements, take my private official before pictures, have sushi for dinner, and make a video of myself hoop dancing. I want to have a record of things as they are right now. I want to see my growth, and know that all the reasons I decided to do this were sound.
I also in the next week or so, plan on writing two letters to myself. I will give them to my boyfriend. One of them is a letter that I will write about how horrible I feel most of the time, and remind myself of the consequences of not doing the surgery. He is to give that letter to me when/if I am struggling post-op and question what I have done. The other letter, is one I will read 6 months from now, when things will be easier, it will be a reminder of how I feel right now, and a reminder to stay the course, and not ever fall back to old habits.
I pulled out a tank top I bought years ago that was supposed to be a goal top a few years back. I paired it with the jeans I just purchased in my goal size. I had a dream about 2 months ago, and I was wearing this outfit. I was on a road trip with my boyfriend, and I was skinny! And I was health, and so very happy and full of joy. In my dream, I felt that joy. I decided that this outfit would hang on my wall as my motivation.
I am so full of motivation right now, and can't wait to be active again. To feel full of energy when I am. I hoop dance, and can't wait to hoop with my new body. I want to take kickboxing classes, do yoga, and eventually, I hope to take classes to learn lyra and silks. Yes, I want to hang from the ceiling from a giant hoop and some fabric. I want to be lean and strong. I am so excited that the PCOS that has kept me from these things, I will have a tool that will allow me to control it. That I might finally see results from all my fighting is mind blowing. It makes me want to cry from happiness. I'm not afraid of having to work hard after surgery. I welcome it. Finally seeing results from my hard work,... I can't even explain how this makes me feel.
I am tired of feeling tired. I am tired of being paranoid about my blood pressure, pre-diabetes, and being told that having a child would be dangerous for me in my current health. I'm tired of being 35 but dressing like I'm 65. I'm tired of struggling to feel like I fit in anywhere. I remember one time going shopping with my sister-in-law and a friend, and we went into this shop in the mall, and the largest size they carried was several too small for me to fit in. They were laughing having fun and trying on clothes, and instead I just felt ashamed of myself, and picked out things for them to wear. I'd never felt so much shame before, and this was before my PCOS diagnoses, but it still burns to think about.
I'm tired of being uncomfortable in my own body. Well, this isn't my body anymore. This is some other person. She isn't going to exist soon. I'm going to tell her good-bye.
Its my turn to live. :wub: