January 14th, 2007

So I havent logged my progress or my journey much lately, not sure why. Maybe because all the negative inner monologue stuff comes into play and all I can think of is working that out instead of talking about weight. So here is the weighty end of things:

I haven't lost as much in the first month as I thought I would. I chalked it up, initially, to the fact that I was so dehydrated from gastroenterities that going into surgery I had already lost all that water weight. Thats also likley why I gained several pounds after surgery and had to lose that as well. So that explains the short term stalling. Then I thought it would just drop off like it did for Angie and so many others on LBT. But it didn't. Now being honest with myself - much of that was my fault. I was good with liquids for about a week, then I had my chocolates and ice cream snafoo. Then I was making my smoothies way too calorie dense. Then at the xmas party I was eating like a normal person, very bad. So much ice cream purchased even though I know how bad it is for me. Then when Neuro started, I initially packed, but no more. Now Im eating just like everyone else. I went to an Indian buffet and ate waaaay too much. So I have made my fair share of mistakes that can explain my lack of dramatic losses.

I was feeling pretty down about all my transgressions until I went for my post op checkup, it was Jan 3rd. (approx 3.5 wks after surgery) and she told me I have acutally lost 21 lbs from my highest!!!! That really perked me up let me tell you!!!! I didn't realize I was ever that high. I thought maybe I had gone up to the eighties but I couldnt remember for sure. I was 287 at my highest in September (so I figure 284 naked) and I was 266 January 3rd!!! (263 that morning at home). I didn't realize how far I had come. I realized that even though only ten of that was post op, the overall change is what matters.

I have noticed some really positive changes. First of all, my clothes fit much much better. So many jeans that I couldnt wear any more are now loose to comfortable. Shirts I couldn't button now go on much better. I have seen pictures of my face and I can see that it has thinned out.

I've also made some positive changes. I quit smoking!! It's amazing to me. It was such a huge crippling part of my life for several years. I would rush home to smoke, stay home to smoke, leave rotations to go home or to the car to smoke. My apartment stunk. I would have to take a shower every time I wanted to leave the house. I was spending close to a hundred dollars a month on cigarettes. Then I just quit. I didn't have withdrawal, I didn't think about it that much. It still crosses my mind every once in a while... "just go get a pack, just one pack" But the thought passes pretty quickly. I'm just surprised it wasnt harder to quit. Even when I smoked like a chimney at that party with Eric, i still didn't relapse. I am very proud of that!!! I breathe so much better, I dont get that tightness in my chest when I walk outside. I don't have that nasty cough and post nasal drip anymore. I quit Nov 25th so its been almost eight weeks.

I also quit the coffee habit. I guess I can't say that I never have any, because diet snapple certainly has a bit, and I've had an iced coffee once I think? I also gave up on carbonation. I just sipped at half a beer once. I do miss having that diet coke/pepsi fix. But I already break the rules enough, I think I should stick to as many as I can.

So I go for my first fill? Jan 31st, which is post call so no one will know. I have had some trouble with the whole "make sure no one knows" syndrome. It has motivated me to eat more than I should, and things I shouldn't eat in order to avoid being noticed. At that pharm lunch I ate a whole serving of fries and half a turkey sandwich with bread and bacon. God those fries were good. Anyways - I didn't get this done so that I would pick at carrott sticks, I did it so that I could learn to have a normal relationship with food, in reasonable quantities. I think that my first fill should help move me in that direction. Right now it's hard because I feel like I have been able to tolerate eating everything, makes it hard not to have whatever I want.

I'm really going to have to get better at the "bandster" rules. I am eating more per meal than I should - restriction should help with that. I am really feeling the need to drink with meals. I am not chewing as well as I should. So I have a lot to work on. But I am looking forward to the fill.

So: On the exercise front. I had done absolutely nothing up until this weekend. Although I have gotten tons of walking in at work. Regardless, Saturday I remembered that patient mentioning there was a pool around the corner at the community center. Well, they also have a nice fitness center so I went and joined and worked out. I did the elliptical for about 20 minutes, thats all I could do. Man did that work up a sweat!!!! Then I did a brief nautilus circuit, but I need to figure out the machines. Its 19 a month, which is a lot cheaper than work gym. And its around the corner, couldn't be closer. And when I finally feel able - I can swim there!!!! I keep fantasizing about doing a good cardio workout and then having a refreshing swim afterwards. That would be soooo great!!!!

As far as my actual weight, its been fluctuating around a two or three pound variation. It was as low as 261.8 a couple weeks ago, before I started eating badly. Then it went up to 264 ( but I felt that was from pre period swelling). It then seemed to settle at 263 for a long time. (And I still feel swollen). So I worked out on Saturday, then went out and had Etoh and a dessert on top of 1300 calories, and then this morning I weighed 260.4!!!!!! I was so excited. Usually after a workout my muscles swell and I gain weight. So I am headed off to do some time on the much neglected recumbent bike.

I think that journalling on this forum will work much better than sitting down with the notebook, I can always print them out and then put them in the notebook.