OK. I admit it ... I am a major control freak! Those closest to me secretly talk about me behind my back and even occasionally tell me about my bossy ways to my face. I'm a big girl (no pun intended) so I can handle it, right? I will admit that I like to have my hand on the pulse of the things around me. I am a go-getter, a mover, a shaker ... but this week, I realized I have a serious problem!
So here goes ... my aunt died last week. It was very tragic. She was only 49. Died of cancer. Had 4 kids and 3 grandkids. On the outside, I was calm (had to be strong for the family). I took control of the situation by comforting everyone and taking on the task of planning the funeral. I found something I could control, since death was surely out of my league.
As I jumped into my funeral planning duties, I wasn't crying or even depressed ... I started to unconsciously EAT! There was a handful of peanuts here, a stick of cheese there, a few chips while on the phone, a piece of chicken while emailing family, a bowl of chili while watching tv, a fruit cup before bed ... It took about 24 hours before I realized that I was about to eat myself into oblivion.
As I went o grab my next victim from the refrigerator, I literally said aloud "OH MY GOD! I AM AN EMOTIONAL EATER." Until that moment, it had never dawned on me that I was the uncontrolled eater doctors talk about. I was the emotional, unstable, food stalker, seeking to soothe her heart at the end of fork! I wasn't HUNGRY. I was HURT! But most of all, I was NOT in control. Can you believe the Control Queen relinquished her crown to a scoop of rainbow sherbet (which is fat free by the way)?
This startling revelation caused me great self reflection. How had I missed this negative personal trait after all these years (well not ALL these years, I am only 26 *wink*) ? As I reminisced, I realized that I have always been an emotional eater. I just didn't have a stomach that could only hold 4 ounces of food at a time to catch my attention. My sleeve talks. Seriously, sometimes it speaks soft and gentle. Other days, it screams and yells. This time, my new stomach brought me face to face with a demon I never knew existed. For this, I am grateful.
See you can't defeat the demon if you don't know it exist. I am always so busy being "in control" that it is hard to recognize the areas of my life that are "out of control." Needless to say, I immediately closed the refrigerator and begin to starve my emotional cravings. Trust me, they fought back, but a control freak never loses.
So as I laid my aunt to rest, I also buried the need to eat my way through emotionally charged situations. I will sing, I will write, I may even cry, but I will not eat. I now reclaim my crown as the Control Queen (you may continue talking behind my back)!
53 pounds lost since November 30, 2011