Dante wrote an instructional manual......for me

Current mood:ribald

Category: Blogging

So.....I know you're probably wondering what has happened to my blog page. When I view it, it seems to be all scrunched up. I don't really know what happened. I changed the text in the title box a little bit, and BAM! It is widely known that I am techno-tarded (or computarded, if you rather...), but I think that this problem is beyond that. I think it may be a divine punishment for the topic I am about to discuss......namely:

I recently crossed paths with the ugliest woman ever !!

Lest you judge me too harshly, let me 'splain. I am all too aware that very few ladies consider me handsome (At least I have you, Mom......I'm still your special, special boy, right Mom?), so if I mock somebody's appearance, it's all in good fun.....I never make fun maliciously.....so believe me when I say that I met a woman this week that was so unattractive that I found myself silently "cheering" for her. First I will describe her. Keep in mind that this is a real person that is 30-something:

1) She was very short (like Brandi short) but built kinda weird. Huge belly, smallish boobs and smallish butt. Hey, she was built kinda like a Buddha. I didn't make the connection at the time....

2) She was extremely bald on the crown of her head, but even worse, wore her hair in a female "combover" type of style. Her bald scalp was covered with a puffy, blotchy rash.

3) She had very thick glasses (even thicker than mine, people.....That's saying something) with an odd yellowish tint to the lenses. When she removed the glasses, I noticed she had a lazy eye.

4) Her face had several (each cheek, forehead, and chin) large moles. I mean the huge witch-type moles. 3 of the 4 moles had stubble growing from them, like she had shaved them recently.

So....I was facinated with this woman. I told myself that surely she must have something going for her. During the course of my conversation (which was significant......we chatted for probably an hour or so, all totaled) I didn't see that she had much of a sense of humor, or was reasonably bright. I put her to bed and spent the rest of the night bothered that I couldn't find any beauty in her. In the morning, I went in to wake her up at the designated time. When she swung her legs off the bed, she farted. I don't mean one slipped out. This was the fart of somebody that doesn't care. It lasted probably 2 seconds (Do this for me now. Look at a clock and make a "raspberry" sound for 2 continuous seconds. Yeah. That's how it was). What did she say? "Excuse me". I'm sorry, but I'm *not* going to excuse that behavior. When I told Cissy about my experience, the first thing she said was "Well is she married?".......Is she married?!? Hello?!? No she's not married! I doubt that she's ever been to "first base".

So there it is. Yes, I'm prolly gonna burn in hell for this blog. But maybe, just maybe I can atone......I think I'm going to get her a copy of "Witty Things that Trey Said" (If you would like a copy of this book, just ask Pam) so she can impress guys with her conversational abilities. Then maybe she'll change my blog page back to normal.

PS- after I posted this blog, I found how to fix the page. See? All must be forgiven, eh?