Damn You, Karl Marx!

Current mood:disillusioned

Category: Blogging

So, as it often happens, my life was chugging right along, until.....my eyes were opened to a fallacy that has become ingrained in American society. Since then, I have looked at nothing in the same light. Maybe I'd better start at the beginning....

There I was, lounging on the couch (and I chose the word "lounging" because I don't think "potato-ing" is a true verb) when a commercial came on. This particular commercial involved a plain-jane woman who, whilst attempting to cross the street in a metropolitan city, breaks a heel. Obviously, this is the start of a truly bad day....the kind of day when nothing is salvagable. But Wait!! Music starts to play and a gang sweeps in and carries the woman away to various shops and remedies. That's when they cut to the tag-line "No matter what you want to do in life....Life takes Visa".

What?!?

Seriously?!?

This realization hit me like a ton of bricks (or insert your own cliche' here). See, the thing is, I have built my life around the philosophy that money is not necessarily the most important thing. Why, wasn't it John Lennon himself that said "All you need is love"....and then quickly added "Love is all you need"....

I was confused at this point. Who was telling the truth? Visa, or Lennon? Clearly, some research was in order to see who could back up their claim. First up was team Lennon, because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. The only philosophers that even vaguely supported Lennon were Karl Marx (a classic example of a "nutjob") and Yoko Ono (a brilliant but flawed singer/artist/philosopher that once made the uber-bold decision to appear naked on an album cover.....well, kinda naked. She was nude, but wearing furry bikini bottoms, if ya know what I mean...). On the side of Visa? Classic economist Adam Smith (who, in his groundbreaking book The Wealth of Nations, described the relationship between goods and consumers) and Madison Avenue (famous for being the advertising capitial of the world. And hey.....If you can't trust them, who can you trust?). Okay....things were becoming a little more clear. Now I needed some proof. I decided an experiment was in order....

Since the most fair and unbiased experiments involve disguises, I decided to don an absurdly bushy mustache / afro wig combination. In this getup, I would attempt a purchase at the local Wal-Mart. I grabbed a pack of Ramen noodles and some lingerie and headed to the checkout counter...

Me: I would like this delicious snack, as well as this lingerie, please

Cashier: Ok....(scans items).....That'll be $4.72

Me: I have a lot of love to give (moves in for the hug)

Cashier: What the hell are you doing?

Me: Trying to pay for my purchases...."All I need is love", right?

Cashier:.........

Then, I changed into a bald wig and wax lips for the second part of the experiment (also I took off the mustache, duh). I snagged some Cookie Crisp and a bottle of Vicks Vapo-Rub and once again headed to the checkout:

Me: What a lovely day, eh? Anywho, I'll take this delectable cereal and menthol scented cure-all.

Cashier: Weren't you just in here a minute ago?

Me: Ahem...I haven't time for smalltalk, miss. My hungry, congested child needs me to return home with these items....if you don't mind.

Cashier: Whatever. That'll be $9.36

Me: Here is my Visa

Cashier: Ok, Thanks. Have a WalMart-licious day

Clearly, team Visa wins. It turns out that you really do have to have Visa (or some other tangable form of currency) to buy materials and secure services. No matter how hard country musician Alan Jackson tries to sell you his bill of goods, there is no "Living on Love"......great.......now I gotta go to plan B.....