2/1/06

What causes "blue" days? I can be going along, doing pretty good...then the next day, WHAM! All I think about is mom, I replay the scenes from her last days, I remember other times that were great, and times that I know I hurt her feelings. This type of thinking is with me all day, if I'm lucky, and several days or a week if I'm not. It affects everything...my work, my family, my attitude. The strange thing is, I KNOW I'm doing it, I know it isn't helping, and I cannot nudge myself out of it. Tears are just waiting to be released, but not every time is a good time for a cry. I mean, I can't just start crying in the classroom...I don't want to upset my DD by crying too much. I can cry on the way to work, but it does take a toll on my make-up and I arrive at school all red-eyed, and at this school, the automatic thought is that I'm smoking pot...that comes from the kids, not the teachers! Just don't want you to get the wrong idea...

Maybe these waves of sadness are the reverse of birth contractions. There's really no way to avoid them, and at the end, a new life arrives. Like contractions, fighting them only adds to the pain, and you know they won't last forever. But it feels like that, that these pains will never go away, and when you're in them, it is your total focus. Mom had these pains when I was born, now I have them when she died. I guess that's about as balanced as you can get.

I'm grateful for being able to wear some pants that didn't fit last week.

I'm grateful for the love and comfort of family.

I'm grateful for the blessing of a good mom, thank you God.