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Documenting my weight loss journey

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My 5 year old broke my heart and my decision is made... I AM HAVING SURGERY!

I've finally completed all of my insurance req's and am now awaiting approval. Since I've completed my requirements I guess this entire process has become really 'real' to me and it scared me. I kept asking myself if I really NEEDED this surgery...why couldn't I lose wieght on my own? Am I being lazy and taking the easy way out? Is it worth putting myself under the knife and having major surgery when I'm already too lazy to eat right and exercise? Am I wasting my family's money by having surgery? etc, etc, etc. Well tonight my sweet 5 year old ittle girl innocently made a statement that first broke my heart and then made me realize without a doubt this surgery is the right thing for me. We were driving home and she asked what would happen if I started to drown (We have a pool and swim a lot. I used to teach swim lessons and water safety, so water safety is REALLY important to me). I said, "Well, if I was truly drowning and couldn't get out, hopefully someone would help me out of the water." She replied (Here's where my heart broke...) "But Mommy, you're so big. How would they be able to pull you out? You're too heavy." And THEN she tried to backtrack...that broke my heart even more. She shouldn't have to worry about what she says to me and if it hurts my feelings. She shouldn't have to try to change what she said to make me feel better - - she's FIVE! AND THAT DID IT FOLKS. I almost broke down in tears right there in my car. I can hide from cameras, I can hide from the mirror. I can ignore the fact that my clothes are too tight I can hardly zip my pants. I can look past my double chin. I can choose to not look at my stretch marks. I can ignore being breathless just from walking from my car to my house. I can not pay attention to the fact that I now have to undo my top button to my jeans when sitting at my desk because it is digging in to my stomach. I can pop another blood pressure pill and ignore my high blood pressure... But I cannot ignore the fact that my kids notice I'm overweight and that kills me. I guess up until then I knew I was wayyyyy too heavy but since no one else would address it I could go on my merry-way and ignore it. But there's no ignoring it anymore. I have to do something more powerful than myself so that I can stop living a hollow life and stop living in the shadows, hoping no one addresses the fact that I am unhealthy. The heck with the fact that I am so unattractive anymore, I am unhealthy and am not the role model that my kids deserve. So I'm having this surgery. I don't care how it happens, I need this surgery. I need to lose weight. I need to get healthy. I need to start caring about myself. I need to start caring about my family and their future - - with ME in it.
lyndeeboo

lyndeeboo

14
 

All requirements are met, now I wait for insurance!

Wow. It seems like just yesterday that I joined this forum and looked at the list of things I had to do before insurance would even CONSIDER approving me for surgery. I had to find a doctor (check), I had to visit a nutritionist for 4 visits (check, check, check and check), I had to get a letter from my Endo saying that I could have surgery (check), I had to have a sleep study (check) and finally, I had to have a psych evaluation (check). After all of those requirements were met I had to have one last appointment with the surgeon's assistant before they would submit everything to insurance. As of 10 minutes ago I had my super short meeting with the physician's assistant and I am DONE! I have officially fulfilled all of the requirements insurance laid out for me and now await hearing those beautiful words "You are approved!" I'm not even entertaining the thought that they might deny me...nope. I have prayed about this and am faithful that this is the right path for me! I'm scared/nervous/excited all at the same time. Keeping my fingers and toes and everything in between crossed for approval!
lyndeeboo

lyndeeboo

2
 

Worries about my surgery and life changes that need to be made.

I had my 3rd nutrition appointment yesterday and I am scared! I KNOW that the benefits outweigh the stuff I’m going to have to give up, I just need to get these thoughts on to paper…maybe that will help. I’m feeling guilty that I’m even having these thoughts because I want this surgery so badly. I worry that if I’m having these thoughts am I going to fail, or is this what everyone else thinks prior to surgery and this is normal??? Here is what worries me. One of the things she said was after surgery, don’t drink water (or any other beverage) 30 minutes before, don’t drink during and don’t drink an hour after a meal. When I asked why she said that water speeds up the digestion process and will cause your teeny stomach to digest even faster, which will make you hungry earlier. Makes sense, but I don’t like it! I ALWAYS drink water with my meals, always. I know that in the grand-scheme of things not drinking water at a meal isn’t a big deal…for a few meals, but for the rest of my life??? next is eating meat. She said that after surgery a lot of people can’t really digest meat any longer. She also said that meat isn’t really all that great for you (I’ve heard this before) so that it’s really not a big deal. Well I know health-wise it’s not a big deal, but after having such a love-affair with food for so long, I worry that I will be sad when I can’t order a nice, juicy steak. It’s easy to say something isn’t a ‘big deal’ when you’re not an addict. I’m a food addict. Everything when it comes to food is a ‘big deal’. Portion sizes. She said that your portion size goes down to like the size of the palm of your hand. Holy cow. I don’t eat to be “full” I eat, and eat and eat because I like the flavor of food…to only be able to eat that small of a portion….will I regret having this surgery and will that in turn make me miserable? I WANT to give up needing the comfort of food. I WANT to not overeat any time I sit down to a meal. I want to have something stronger than ME controlling what I put in to my mouth because I just can’t control what I eat at times. I’ve tried so hard and after a few weeks of great will power I succumb and let weeks of good choices go down the drain in a few meals. I know that on the outside looking in these are all really stupid reasons to be concerned. I know that when I read them tomorrow I will look at them and wonder what I was thinking. But right now, today, right in this moment I wonder if the fact that I’m having these thoughts means that I am not in the right place, mentally to have the surgery. Ugh, this sucks! I guess yesterday in talking about everything it just hit me hard that once I have this there’s no going back. Don’t get me wrong - - once I leave this fat, unhealthy body I don’t WANT to go back to where I am right now…it’s just so final and official. I HATE FOOD AND THE CONTROL IT HAS OVER ME!!! I hate the fact that I am doing things to my body that I know if it continues will kill me, yet I am questioning letting it go...I hate this. I think for the first time in my life I am feeling what a drug-user feels! The 'knowing' that you need to give something up, yet the longing for the relationship and comfort that it gives. Not cool, not wanted and not welcome in my brain!
lyndeeboo

lyndeeboo

14
 

My sleep-study is scheduled!

In the whole grand-scheme of things this really isn't a big deal, but for me it is confirmation that I am on my way to changing my life. My sleep study has been scheduled and will be tomorrow night! I also will have my 2nd (of 4) nutrition appointment next week. When that one is done I'm halfway to meeting the insurance requirements! Woooohoooo!!! if things keep going on track, I'm shooting for the end of June for my surgery (that's giving insurance 2-3 weeks for approval).
lyndeeboo

lyndeeboo

10
 

Decided to have the sleeve instead of the Band.

For the past few years I've wanted to get banded. I go to Church with a woman who was very successful and she inspired me. My insurance doesn't cover any procedures so after I was done having kiddos my husband added me to his insurance policy. I officially became covered January 1st, so on Jan 3rd I had a consultation with two surgeons, Dr. Nicholson at the Nicholson clinic and then I had an appointment at True Results, Dallas. During my first appt Dr. Nicholson suggested I consider the sleeve procedure and for a few seconds I considered it...until I walked in to True Results and they told me how dangerous it was, how it hadn't been on the market long enough, etc. etc. I guess since I'd wanted the band for so long they told me everything I wanted to hear. I continued going to True Results for two more months, but in the back of my mind I kept going back to what Dr. Nicholson had said. He told me about problems with the band that were just developing and told me that since I lived so far away from a bariatric facility (I have a 3 hr drive, one way) that the band was more than likely not the route I would want to go. He always maintained that if I wanted it he would gladly give me one, but that he just didn't think it was the perfect fit. I continued to have thoughts that the band probably wasn't the best thing for me, but once i started visiting True Results I felt "stuck" in the sense that I didn't want to waste all of the time I'd already invested. I asked True Results if they offered the sleeve and they said they did, but that their surgeon didn't do as many of them because the band was "better". About a month ago I started really researching the band vs the sleeve and kept coming across numerous people who had the band, then had problems and revised to the sleeve. I didn't want to be one of those people. I want whatever I choose to work for life and i want to be happy with my decision forever. I also didn't want the surgeon that performed my surgery to do them every once in awhile, I wanted my surgeon to be the best of the best. I prayed about my decision and asked God to lead me in the right direction, whatever that direction was. The same day I was searching a forum who specifically pointed out True Results and the surgeon that I would have had and said if you're considering him/that clinic to run as fast away as possible. She wasn't speaking to me, but I felt as though she was if that makes sense. I then decided to contact Dr. Nicholson's clinic and see if they would even take me back. I'd only gone to one appointment and then had "chosen" another doctor, so for all I knew they would tell me tough nuggets. Nope. They said that they loved it when patients researched other doctors and that they were happy that I had "shopped around" and then returned to them. Lastly, I had been upset that the 2 months worth of nutritional appointments would be wasted in a sense, but had decided that in the long run, what was 2 months of my life, if it meant my life and happieness? Just for the heck of it I thought I would ask the Nicholson clinic if there was any way they would give me credit for the nutrition appointments and sure enough they will! Everything is falling in to place and I really couldn't be happier and more excited about getting the sleeve. I'm ready to change my life for the better and looking forward to this journey! Now if I can just jump through the flaming hoops for insurance and get my surgery scheduled
lyndeeboo

lyndeeboo

0
 

My story

My entire life I have been overweight. Even back when I was in Kindergarten I was the "big" kid in class. The one that was always MUCH larger than anyone else. This trend continued my entire life. I can remember being in the 3rd grade, weighing 120 pounds and having a group of my friends start taking about their weight and one of them made the comment that I was so much bigger than them and probably weighed 85 pounds i was so big! Oh if only I weighed 85 pounds! Right then is when I truly realized just how much bigger I was than everyone else my age. Even at a young age I was always on a diet and watching what I was eating, but it was more like, watching everything I was eating go right in to my mouth, not really controlling what I was eating. MY parents put me in soccer and softball, but the weight never stayed off. I was always an active child but nothing really would help. In college I actually lost weight. I got down to 200 pounds and felt great. I know - - 200 pounds was SKINNY for me - - that is sad But the weight came right back. I've gone back and forth with wanting to lose weight on my own versus needing help and I've finally come to the conclusion, I can't won't do this on my own. I need that little something that will assist me in restricting what goes in to my mouth. I overeat. I can't control myself at times. I eat when I'm happy, when I'm sad. I eat to celebrate and I eat when I'm pissed off. I have such a strong desire to become a runner. I want to compete in marathons, yet I can't walk from my house to my barn without gasping for air. I hope and pray that this is the answer to my prayers because I need to become a healthier person, both for myself and for my kids.
lyndeeboo

lyndeeboo

0
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