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Month Six And Feeling Very Emotional.. It's All Over The Place

Okay so I have never done this so here goes nothing... Be nice lol. I had my surgery on sept 15 2011. On the day of surgery I was 261lbs and today I am 197lbs... 64 pounds gone. The day that I was under 200 I could not stop jumping around because I have not seen that number since I was about 16 years old. I am loving loving loving my weight loss. I still feel huge, and everyone keeps telling me how great I look but I just still feel like "THE FAT GIRL" and yes it has to be in all caps because that is how I felt for basically my whole life. I think that since I have been that girl since I was about 5 it might take me a little time to get used to a new me. I have the support of my family and friends, but I feel like that is not enough because they don't really know what it's like. In their eyes it's... oh you were huge now you're loosing weight problem solved... But it is so much more than that. I feel angry at the world sometimes because of how cruel some people have been to me, and I still feel that resentment a little bit. I feel angry with my parents for only focusing on my weight for so many years that my definition of myself can not start without... My name is Kalila and I am obese! That's it there is no more to me other than that. I blame them for making a little girl feel that way and now as an adult I blame myself for allowing that to stick to me. I find myself having a hard time accepting the "spotlight" that is now on me every time I attend a gathering with my friends. As soon as I walk in the door the comments and questions start and I feel overwhelmed. For so many years I have accepted being the invisible one, I rather preferred it that way. I would always feel like everywhere I went all eyes were on me because I was huge or nobody would pay attention to me at all because I was huge. I have let my weight hold me back from the life I have always wanted. I had a full scholarship to school, but I stopped going because there was a point where sitting in the seats became uncomfortable. I never said anything about it I just let everyone believe university was not for me. In the past 9 years I have started and stopped going more times than I would like to admit. Now I have a hard time forgiving myself for letting so much time go by. I have let men walk all over me and treat me however they'd like because I honestly felt like that is what I deserved. I have been somebody's dirty little secret more times than not. I have never been in a real relationship before, so this dating game is totally new to me. I have been denied entry to clubs based on how I look. I have been weighed for a ride in front of the hundreds of people waiting in line only to be told I can't go on, then I had to do that walk of shame in front of everyone. I guess basically I am mad at the way the world treated me/ the way I allowed it to treat me, verses the way I get treated now. Boy is it really a whole new world. I don't know if anyone can relate or do I just sound like a crazy person?

Kalidance7

February 2, 2012

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Month Six And Feeling Very Emotional.. It's All Over The Place

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