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About this blog

Or at least the weight loss part of my life

Entries in this blog

 

Yatta!

As of today I am 101LBS down and according to Wii Fit I am no longer obese. I am now over weight. Yatta!   I've gone from a 24/26 (more like 26 but I was kinda in denial and would squeeze in to 24s or not buy anything at all) on bottom, and 18/2x on top down to 16 on bottom (depending on brand and cut) and M - XL on top (I'm M or L at Old Navy, but their cloths seem to run big, XL in juniors, Threadless and Woot shirts.) My boobs have deflated. I just bought a 36D and a 36C at Fredricks. Down from popping out of my Lane Bryant 38/40 D/DD bras. I can still fit into my LB bras but there's a ton of room in the cups. I can fit my whole hand in there. I still have underwear that fits and I just bought some from Avenue on sale that are a little snug, but I'll get into them soon enough. But once those get too big I'll have no idea what to do. I haven't worn non plus sized underwear since I was under 18. My feet have not changed one bit. I was hoping they'd shrink a little. But there's still time. I'm only 3.5 months out.   I would like to thank Kaiser (without them I wouldn't have this amazing tool to help me get where I am and where I am going to be), myself (it's pretty awesome that I've come this far and done all of this on my own (with Kaisers help). I stuck with the meal plan, I changed my habits, I'm doing this. A few years ago I wouldn't have imagined I'd have changed this much), Erica (if she hadn't gotten the R&Y, I wouldn't have known that Kaiser did WLS), Angela (for encouraging me to get back into the program and have the surgery), Jess (my wonderfully supportive boyfriend who loves and encourages me every step of the way, and helps keep me in check when I'm feeling tempted), and all those who have supported me.   At my 3 month post op class the nutritionist gave us an assignment. She said to write down this that have happened that we didn't expect. So I'm going to do that along with a few other things as well.   My facial skin has completely changed. Before it was like an oil tanker capsized on my face. Now I'm hardly oily at all. It's quite nice, but it threw a wrench into my makeup routine until I figured out the best way to adjusted it. At support group they said once the weight loss stops and I am maintaining instead of losing my skin should revert back. Same as how your hair is supposed to grow back.   I hardly sweat anymore. That is very nice. I wasn't expecting that at all.   I was expecting to be cold but not this cold. I can wear leggings, pants, 2 pairs of socks, boots, a tank top, regular top, a fleece pullover (the old navy kind) and a hoodie and still be cold. Now that's crazy. Inside I'm usually ok except for at work where I'm layered on bottom as listed above, but only have a tank and a top on on top.   Before surgery I thought I'd be more thrilled to get to different mile stones. Now I'm just like, 'woohoo... now moving right along.' I thought I'd be more bitter. I'm glad I'm not.   Exercising doesn't suck as much as it used to. I can do it easier now and enjoy it and feel less self concious doing it. Now getting motivated enough to actually do it is still a challenge. But I did go to the gym the past 2 days and today I did Wii Fit.   Speaking of exercising, I don't need to use my inhaler much anymore while exercising. Which is nice since I always forget to bring it with me.   Jess can pick me up without killing himself!! I can sit on his lap without killing him. When he hugs me he can touch his elbows. SO AWESOME!   Sex is weird. I think I'm having hormonal issues, I need to contact my ob. But it's easier to do now.   In general I hurt less. I can wear my boots all day at work and my feet are fine. I couldn't do that before. My back hardly hurts anymore. It's been sore lately because I've started working out, but nothing like it would have been before. I'm less sore at work too.   Right before surgery I was able to move my seat in my car higher up. And a couple months ago I was able to move my steering wheel down a notch, and I moved my seat forward.   I feel like there are more things I'm forgetting, but this will do for now.   ~Liz
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

1
 

Wii

I finally got to use my Wii Fit today! And I love it!!   I love it so much I cried while playing it.   I don't know if Kaiser's scales are the same as the Wii Fit's, but according to the WF I'm down 2.4lbs! I'm so glad b/c I was scared I would gain b/c I feel like I've been eating kinda badly. But that just proves how much I've changed. My eating badly now is nothing like my eating badly before I really took this seriously. It's crazy.   I was wearing less clothing than at my official weigh-in, so that is probably like a 10oz difference. I should just STFU! Any loss is good. We just don't want the scale going up.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

untitled

If the scale at the gym is to be believed, I am at goal. I am skeptical of this because I feel that I have been eating badly lately. BUT if this is true, it is completely awesome! And either way, I'm finally feeling like I want it again. I want to eat plan. I want to work out. I want to stop eating crap and I want to lose the weight. I was so scared there for a little while that I had gained and had 5+lbs to go instead of just 2. I can only assume my next weigh in will be next Wednesday, the 15th. I will definitely make it to the meeting. I made sure of it. (The meetings I go to are the first and third Wednesdays of every month. So 6ish months ago at my last dentist appointment, I made my next appointment purposely a group day.)   I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. Like, I'm not jumping for joy like I thought I would. I didn't cry. But we'll see.   I have to wonder if watching MTV's "I Used To Be Fat" helped a little bit.   I took a Turbo Kick Boxing class today at the gym after work. It kind of amazes me that I even did it because work was so busy (I did 21 cuts) and I was tired, but I still did it. And I did the whole thing. And I want to do it again. But I am anticipating being sore tomorrow. Which seems a little crazy of me only because we're having a sale this weekend and that usually means being HELLA busy.   One thing I do need to work on: showering immediately after working out. I was going to, but I attempted to do laundry first but all the washers were taken (apartment complex), made dinner and ate it since it was already 8p. And sat on the couch watching Super Skinny Me (It's a neat British documentary, not sure if it's BBC or not) while I ate. Then we did laundry and I watched I Used To Be Fat while waiting for it to finish. And I still need to shower but I'm posting here first.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

This is amazing & other stuff

POSSIBLE TMI - you have been warned.   I slept almost all the way through the night. And then I woke up and had diarrhea. And yes, I do think that's awesome too.   We went to bed around 11:30p. I had a hard time falling asleep. It shouldn't be because Jess was in the bed. I couldn't stop coughing. And since I can't get a real cough in, I couldn't dislodge whatever was stuck. After a while I figured out I could brace my 3 middle incisions by putting very light pressure on them with my hand while coughing. I also used my inhaler once and that seemed to help. I finally coughed out some icky stuff. Not a lot. Jess ran and got me a roll of tp so I could spit it out. After that it was much better. I woke up around 1 / 1:30a and I had to pee really bad. First time that's happened in a while. I took more pain meds and went back to bed, I didn't bother walking around. I slept till around 7:50a when I heard the front door close. Jess had left for work. I felt like sleeping more but I had to go to the bathroom, so I got up. I felt like I had to poop. I wasn't expecting that. In the binder it says that you probably won't poop for 5 to 6 days after surgery. Technically I am 5 days out. I just wasn't expecting it. It was fantastic! I had to brace my stomach with my hand so I could push everything out and it took a bit of effort. I'm surprised at how much came out and just the fact that anything came out at all. I wonder if it's from the broth I've been having. The last time I drank broth was years ago when I was sick. It went right through me and I haven't drank it since being post-op. I was curious if it would have this effect again. I also started taking my vitamins yesterday. I took 2 Calcet Creamy Bites. The chocolate has 4 grams of sugar and the lemon has 5 grams. So I wonder if that did it too. I'm sipping broth now and get the feeling it was the broth.   Yesterday when I took my multi it made my stomach hurt. This morning I took 2 sips of broth, then the multi, then 2 more and had no pain. It takes me a good 3 minutes minimum to eat each chewable.   My parents are going to stop by today. That means I have to take down my board in the kitchen and hide my meds and kaiser paperwork. My mom knows but my dad doesn't. So it'll just be like I have a weekend off for once.   I feel like I'm going to get the runs again. It's gotta be the broth. I haven't had a creamy bite yet.   I called the pharmacy where I live and I could barely hear the lady, but what I got was that I should refill my liquid vic when I have 2 days worth left. I'm confident that I am at that point, so I emailed my dr to refill it since calling the number on the bottle would probably refill it 45 minutes away where my surgery was and I want it sent to the pharmacy where I live. Hopefully he will email me back soon.   Today I am going to walk around (and maybe dance a little too) to music after I post this. Then organize my meds. I bought an organizer at Target yesterday. I can't do much cleaning b/c I have a weight restriction for lifting. Once my mom calls saying their leaving I'll take a shower. They live about an hour away.   I'm having a hard time working carafate into this. I did it 3x the day before yesterday and not at all yesterday.   Well, better get on with my day. I'm sure I'll post more later.   ~Liz
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

Stupidity spreads like herpes

I will just say that 1 in 3 people who get WLS fails. So instead of getting indigent, I will be happy with the fact that those who are doing it wrong will be that 1 and I will be one of the 2 who will be successful.   I had to get that out. Because I can't just post where it's pissing me off, "WTF, you're doing it wrong! Do you want to be successful or not?!"
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

6
 

Rowing Etiquette

Google is no help, so maybe someone here will know something about this.   I tried rowing for the first time today with 7 other first timers (from the support group I go to). The guy in front of me kept telling me what to do in a mean tone and at least 4 times reached back and grabbed my paddle and repositioned it of his own volition. This made me feel like complete garbage. So if anyone out there has experience with rowing, was that ok behavior on his part? I have had an absolutely horrible week, so please, if I'm overreacting, I want to know. Or if I have every right to be upset, I really want to know. The head coxswain guy said I was doing a good job, but I don't feel like I did. Which makes me wonder if he noticed what the guy in front of me was doing and was trying to make up for it b/c I'm sure my facial expressions gave me away at least a little while it was happening. Of course I put on my happy face and said I was doing fine or that my arms were tired when they weren't that bad so I could stop rowing and take a second to not feel like such a failure.   It's not just what happened today, but everything building up to it, I just want to cry. And I feel like I can't. I'm to the point where I just can't put on my happy face anymore.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

2
 

Nonalcoholic Steatohepatitis (NASH)

Brief back story: about 2 years ago I had what I thought was a gallbladder attack. I went to the ER because I couldn't stop throwing up and my stomach hurt really bad. They did tests, and said it's most likely my gallbladder. They recommended an ultra sound that my PCP at the time wouldn't give me. Fast forward to last month. I had 2 more short what I thought were gallbladder attacks again in the same day. So I went to the ER, they took some blood, gave me some fluids, and scheduled me an ultra sound for the next day when I told them my old PCP wouldn't schedule me one. I got the ultra sound done. My gallbladder is fine. My liver is enlarged twice the size it's supposed to be. More blood tests later and my new PCP (who I like, she seems really nice) emails me this: "I think the liver changes are due to nonalcoholic hepatosteatosis (also known as "fatty liver.") The best thing you can do is diet and exercise for weight loss."     This is Kaiser's explanation of NASH:   Nonalcoholic Steatohepatitis (NASH):     Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis (NASH) is liver inflammation caused by a buildup of fat in the liver. The fat buildup is not caused by drinking alcohol. Because of the inflammation, the liver does not work as well as it should. NASH is part of a group of liver diseases, called nonalcoholic fatty liver disease, in which fat builds up in the liver and sometimes causes liver damage that gets worse over time.   Healthy lifestyle changes, such as eating healthy, staying active, and slowly getting to a healthy weight, may help protect your liver from damage.   Follow-up care is a key part of your treatment and safety. Be sure to make and go to all appointments, and call your doctor if you are having problems. It's also a good idea to know your test results and keep a list of the medicines you take.   How can you care for yourself at home? Stay at a healthy weight. Control your cholesterol. Talk to your doctor about ways to lower your cholesterol if needed, like getting active, taking medicines, and making healthy changes to your diet. Eat healthy foods. This includes fruits, vegetables, lean meats and dairy, and whole grains. If you have diabetes, keep your blood sugar at your target level. Get at least 30 minutes of exercise on most days of the week. Walking is a good choice. You also may want to do other activities, such as running, swimming, cycling, or playing tennis or team sports. Limit alcohol, or do not drink. Alcohol can damage the liver and cause health problems.   When should you call for help?   Call your doctor now or seek immediate medical care if: You have yellowing of the skin or the whites of the eyes (jaundice). You have pain in the upper right part of your belly (abdomen).   Watch closely for changes in your health, and be sure to contact your doctor if: You have swelling in your legs or belly. Your skin itches. This is what I expected it was. I started googling as soon as I heard my liver was enlarged. I google a lot. And I found a couple interesting articles/pages. There seem to be mixed reviews for whether surgery is helpful or harmful.   The websites I've read said that there are two types of fatty liver disease. Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease (NAFLD) and Non-alcoholic Steatohepatitis (NASH), and that the only way to tell which one you have is by a liver biopsy. I haven't had one of those done, so I'm wondering if my doctor is correct. I don't want to say she's not since she's the doctor, not me. But who needs a medical degree when you have the internet? When I think about it, NASH fits because my liver is enlarged, and in NASH there is inflammation.   Having read that wls may not be good, it made me worry a little. So I played phone tag on Thursday with the bariatric department and they said I could still have the surgery. But I'm still skeptical and nervous. I'm nervous b/c of the reduction of food and wondering if I can really do this, plus I don't want to get all the way to surgery for them to poke me to find out my liver isn't ok to get the surgery done. I want to know for sure that my liver is ok before I get to that point so there isn't any, go home and try again later.   And then there's my family. The only people who know I have liver disease are my doctor and my boyfriend. My family keeps asking if I got any results about my gallbladder and I keep telling them I'm still waiting. I know I should tell them, but I feel embarrassed, ashamed. I don't want a bunch of questions about it. I don't want to have to explain that my having liver disease is the result of being fat and eating badly. I can't imagine it ending well. I don't know what to do. Any advice?     Here are links to the websites I've read and a few quotes:   http://www.digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/nash/ -The only means of proving a diagnosis of NASH and separating it from simple fatty liver is a liver biopsy. -Weight loss can improve liver tests in patients with NASH and may reverse the disease to some extent.   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-alcoholic_fatty_liver_disease -A biopsy (tissue examination) of the liver is the only test that is widely accepted as definitively distinguishing NASH from other forms of liver disease, -gradual weight loss may improve the process in obese patients; rapid loss may worsen NAFLD. The negative effects of rapid weight loss are controversial: the results of a meta-analysis showed that the risk of progression is very low. -A recent meta-analysis presented at the Annual Meeting of American Association for Study of Liver Diseases(AASLD) reported that weight-loss surgery leads to improvement and or resolution of NASH in around 80 % of patients   http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/nonalcoholic-fatty-liver-disease/DS0057   http://www.emedicinehealth.com/fatty_liver_disease/article_em.htm -The definitive diagnosis of fatty liver disease can only be confirmed by liver biopsy -In patients who are morbidly obese, bariatric surgery to promote weight loss is very effective in decreasing liver inflammation and NASH.   http://www.uptodate.com/contents/patient-information-nonalcoholic-steatohepatitis-nash -Although other tests may suggest a diagnosis of NASH, liver biopsy is required to confirm it. -Weight reduction can help to reduce levels of liver enzymes, insulin, and can improve quality of life. Weight loss should be gradual (no more than 3.5 lbs or 1.6 kg per week) since rapid weight loss has been associated with worsening of liver disease.   http://www.liverdisease.com/nonalcoholicfattyliver_hepatitis.html -Excessively rapid weight reduction or starvation techniques can actually worsen or even precipitate progression to cirrhosis and liver failure.     Has anyone here had / have NASH and had the surgery? Have anything to say about it?
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

Just a quick update

We walked (2.6 miles) to the parents house and I used their scale. It said that I'm 1.6lbs from goal. So I'm excited to see what my actual weight is at the support group tonight. Hopefully they will have the scale there. I do have to go there early to pick up another binder, so I may just see if I can be weighed then.   Since watching I Used To Be Fat, I've been motivated to eat right (better) and exercise more. But the exercising part backfired. I over did it or tweaked something b/c my back hurts like hell. I'm going to call physical therapy today to see if they can fit me in. For about a minute there I was feeling like I could do this on my own with exercise and eating right. But I don't think I can. I think I really do need the help of the sleeve. With how bad my back hurts right now, I know I can't exercise how I want to for the weight to come off until the weight comes off first. If I will even be able to exercise how I want to when I'm smaller. I know I'm stuck with my back problems for life, but I was really hoping that they'd get better to the point where I wouldn't have to worry about doing something and being laid up for up to a week at a time. Luckily I can still walk, but the way it feels, it could turn worse at any time.   I just feel like without surgery I won't be able to lose the weight on my own since I can't exercise as much as I want to so even though I know I could lose weight on my own, I don't feel like I would lose as much as I want to because I'll need to exercise and right now that seems impossible even though I actually want to now. >.<   Just wanted to share that before I start my day. I have to get ready, drive an hour, go to the dentist, go to my parents house, do laundry, do errands I can only do down there, go to support group, then have dinner with one of my besties. I'm kinda wishing I had bought the cupcake makeup bag from Tilly's. It would make getting ready to leave a little easier.   Haha, I must share this too. So I got a pair of cupcake earrings on Sunday from Tilly's. Now I'm telling people that they're my favorite kind of cupcakes because they don't hurt me here *rubs tummy* or here *pinches tummy*.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

I feel like ****

I'm down 15.3lbs since surgery on 8/22, and 58.5lbs from my highest weight.   I have been feeling like **** lately. I threw up my multi yesterday and today. Yesterday because I took it on an empty stomach. I knew it would make me feel sick but I wasn't expecting to throw up. Today I took it with about 6oz of broth and I threw it up again. I really wasn't expecting it today. Last week I was able to take my multis this way. I'm going to have to buy a different multi and try it and see if that helps. I'm also finally starting to take my carafate. I've taken it twice so far today. It seems to help a little. But I still have a general feeling of crappiness.   I can't wait to move on to Stage 3. I can't wait! Hopefully on Wednesday when I have my appointment with the nutritionist, I will get to. I want to eat eggs and meat and chunky soup. Sure it will be pureed, but it will give me so much more variety. I am so tired of cream soups, pudding, and yogurt.   The vein in my left hand going to my wrist still hurts. The vein is hard and sticks out. That can't be normal. I have an appointment with my PCP on Tuesday, so I'll ask her about it then. And about my incisions too. Jess nicked one of them with his nail and this milky clean liquid oozed out. I had him smell my incision to make sure it wasn't infected. Yesterday it leaked a little so now I'm wearing a regular bandaid over it.   I can't think of any thing more to write, and I need to clean for tomorrow. I really hope the carafate helps me not feel so crappy.   I really hate how this website sensors me! We're all adults here. Not a bunch of *******.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

I don't want to eat

I don't like eating anymore. It feels like a chore.   The nutritionist was supposed to call me on Wednesday to advance me to Stage 3 but she never did. I called her and left a message yesterday but never got a call back. I probably won't get a call till Monday now. On Wednesday I advanced myself to puree. I just couldn't stand pudding, yogurt, applesauce and cream soups any longer. So I had a can of Progresso chunky chicken corn chowder pureed. It lasted me 2 and a half days I think. It went down fine and tasted good and was more substantial. Last night I hard boiled some eggs and made egg salad with 3 eggs, mayo, salt and pepper, pureed smooth. I couldn't eat my whole 2 oz. This morning I only got down between 1 and 1.5oz. I'm going to eat lunch soon. I'll have egg puree again since I haven't washed my food processor yet.   [Edit]: I was able to eat my whole 2 oz for lunch. When Jess gets home we're gonna go grocery shopping. We're out of foods for him and I get to pick out some stuff to puree. I want to try chicken with gravy and Mabo Tofu.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

I am sleeved

I have a bit to write on the subject but I don't feel like it right now. I am finally hope after 2 days in the hospital. Still am not back to normal. Once I am I'll write more about my experience. I had a bad reaction to the pain meds. Now I'm just sipping, walking, breathing, napping. My apartment smells like paint and that makes me sad. It's the apartment ppls fault. I'm at my in laws now. They rescued me. I'll go home tonight. They have dogs that don't understand the full extent of f**k off in my condition.   Now I'm going to be all over the place. Have fun. I got my eye brows threaded on sunday. Now they're all broken out. That and since I haven't washed my face since monday morning are probably culprits. I should shower tomorrow but the thought makes me nervous. My pain meds are hard to take. But they help. I sleep with a couple pillows under my head, one at my back, and one in between my legs. The gas pain is bothering me right now. It doesn't seem to want to budge. Sitting, standing, walking, nothing. It may sound weird, but weight loss is the least of my concerns right now. I want to be able to fart and to be pain free and "normal." When I drink I have no sensation of full or empty. So I try to sip every so often. I just took a small dose of my pain meds. It's easier that way. If I take a full dose it really hurts. If I split it up it seems to go down better. It's not making me feel so loopy anymore. I want to stay up until we go home so I can sleep longer than a couple hours. I've done that twice so far today. I'd like to sleep for a bit. & now I don't get anymore pain meds till 11, so I'd like to make it till then before sleep. I'll probably have the bed to myself for a while. If my boobies are down to the floor I will not ever do this again! EVAR! Ow ow ow. Idk if I would have done it in the first place if I knew it would be this bad. I don't regret doing it yet. I won't be surprised if I do somewhere along the way. I have jello, ice chips, and a sobe life water that I'm working on, that I have been since this afternoon. My teeth are pretty groady. I started my period a week early in the hospital. I'm glad my upper ear pricing didn't close up. I don't have to worry about my nose. I'll put that in later. My temp is one thing I haven't done since I've gotten home. Temp was 99. Gotta drink ice water and use my air thing. I think I'll post this now or it'll go on forever like this random babble.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

I <3 my new PCP

I <3 my new doctor. She's so nice! And pretty. She was able to answer all my questions and check me out. She gave me antibiotics for my throat b/c she saw some spots that shouldn't be there and took a culture for strep. Then I had a blood test for allergies and got med refills. The lab tech was able to get blood on the first try instead of poking me 4 times. That's pretty awesome. I asked her if my veins would be any easier to find when I lost weight, and she said no. That it's just how some people are. That there are skinny people with super hard to find veins too. My dr also said that wls is fine and should be good for my liver. And I can drink on my birthday if I want. Just don't go crazy.   She also answered my questions about NASH. I'm in the early stages, so that's good. It's still reversible. I'm happy I can still take my allergy meds and my narcotics.   There was one thing I didn't tell her b/c I felt kinda embarrassed about it. We had unprotected sex over the weekend, so I just took Plan B, and I'm going to wait till tomorrow to start my antibiotics so the Plan B can be effective. We don't want any surprises. Not yet at least. Ideally I'd have surgery, get skinny, then have baby. Plus we can't afford one right now anyway. And I would rather be able to get down on the floor to play and be strong enough to carry it around first. Now I'm not able to do those things.   Hopefully the Plan B won't make me feel too shitty. The few times I've taken it in the past, I always took it at bed time and slept through any side effects. I need to go to the gym today, so I don't want to get sick or anything. The gym is 10 miles / 15 mins away. I just want to do a small workout. Mainly I need to go to take over payment of my membership.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

Holiday Eats

Last night at support group we talked about how to handle eating on Thanksgiving. It was mostly for the benefit of the pre-ops who will be struggling with eating how they're supposed to for the pre-op meal plan and what to do when you run into the people who like to get in your business and make an issue out of why you're not cramming your face full like everyone else. Not that everyone stuffs themselves on the holidays, but that if there was a time that people were more likely to eat more than they normally would, I do believe the holidays would be it.   Thanksgiving is all set for me. It's Christmas that I'm worried about. And my oldest nephews birthday is right before Thanksgiving, but we've sorta got a plan for that, if there is a family dinner involved.   We usually go to my nephews favorite steakhouse for his birthday. So our plan is to split an entree and eat off the same plate. I'll get first pick of the meat since I'm picky and then we'll have a safe word so that my bf knows I'm done and the rest is his. Does that sound like a good idea? About half the family members who'll be there don't know I've had surgery.   Thanksgiving will be easy. We're doing it with my bfs family this year. They know I had surgery and they are all supportive. His mom is even modifying the menu just for me. I keep telling her not to since chances are I won't even eat the things she's modifying, but I know it's her way of showing she cares.   But Christmas is a whole other story. I'm not sure yet, but there's been talk that Christmas will be at my sister's new house. My sister and her husband don't know I've had surgery. Neither does my dad, grandma, or any other extended family. Just my mom, sister in law, brother, and oldest nephew know. AKA the non assholes of the family. I shouldn't phrase it that way, I have aunts and uncles and cousins who are awesome. But in other states so they don't count since I hardly ever see them anyway. I see them seldom enough that it's a feasible explication that I exercised myself skinny. Back to my point, I am not comfortable eating in front of my sister (or her husband for that matter), and I don't really want to eat in front of my dad either. Originally we we're thinking that we could eat with my bfs parents and then go to her house after. I could say that I'm still full and he could eat if he felt like it. At first this seemed like a fool proof plan. But then I got to thinking, I want to spend more than a couple hours with my family. Even if I don't care for half of them as much. I like playing board games and hanging out. I just really really really don't want to eat in front of them. In front of her. I don't know if we'll be sitting around a table like at my parents house or doing it buffet style and then sitting in front of the tv like how we do at my brothers house.   I have a lot of resentment toward my sister. I know she loves me and I love her, but there are things I can't get over. A little background: she's 9 years older, I'm 28. She's always been the good one. Always did what she was told, never talked back. She's never dyed her hair. She's very religious, very conservative. She's always been thin (I think a size 12 is her biggest, to me that IS thin, her average size (before baby) was 8). I am the exact opposite. I was the 'problem child.'   She has a way of making snide remarks about being fat. Her husband does it too. I remember when she first got pregnant she made a comment about how she hoped she wouldn't get fat. I wanted to tell her that I was going to have surgery, but I decided against it. As much as I would love to her her support, I know I won't get it. A comment she left on one of my FB posts is the perfect example of why I can't trust her with this. I posted a link to a 5k I want to do on Thanksgiving morning. (I'm undecided whether I will do it or not, I have a 5k on the 12th, I want to see how that goes first since I haven't been training for it.) She commented about how there's one on a different day that she and her husband were thinking about doing. And then she left another comment saying, "this way you feel less guilty when you do the inevitable...overeat" I don't know about you (the reader of this entry), but I'm pretty sure that was unnecessary. Hello, it's Thanksgiving! Most people are probably going to end up eating more than they normally would on this specific day. Whether she meant this maliciously or not, she still said it.   Another thing that bothered me, probably more than I'd like to admit since I'm writing about it. About a month out from surgery before I went back to work, me and my mom went to visit my nephew. Neither she or her husband noticed or rather, neither said anything about me looking different. I expected it because I had just gotten new glasses. I was planning on using that as my excuse if they said anything. I told my bfs mom this and she was shocked. I don't think I looked that much different from right before surgery up to that point, but I know I looked different from how I did earlier this year. I was at least 40lbs lighter from where I was on my birthday in April. Even my dad noticed. He told me that I looked good and shook my hand. That made my day! I think I mentioned it earlier, my dad doesn't know I had surgery. He thinks I took a month off work because of my back.   I think I'll stop here and do an update in another post.   Any thoughts or comments or advice is welcome.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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Happy Birthday To Me!

I had such an awesome birthday this year!   Friday: It started with a 1.89 hill training walk (after doing 5.21 miles the day before). Then I got a pedicure. I hadn't had one since my sister got married in 2008. Then the rest of the day was a blur from the lovely April 20th holiday.   Saturday: I finally got to a support group. It was good. I hadn't been to one all month b/c of work, and I felt really re-motivated to get back on track. We did this exercise where you write on a index card "Today I will" and whatever you want to do. Whether it's exercise, or take your vitamins, or stick to your meal plan, or not eat cake. After this specific group we have a clothing swap. I found this super cute dress that was too big, and I'm saving it for the sewing class I'm going to take next semester. The fabric was too cute to pass up. After that I went to the mall for 3 hours. That is nothing in Liz time. That's like 1 store. And I was able to hit 4 or 5. MAC, Sephora, TBS, Victoria's Secret, and Nordstrom. I renewed my card at MAC. At Sephora one of the girls there applied some blush and lip products on me. Another employee even took a picture of us and texted it to me. That was way awesome. I bought some stuff from the Sephora Pantone collection. At first I was unsure of my purchase, but now I don't regret it one bit, I love it! Then I went to The Body Shop b/c I had $25 in store credit to use ($10 for my birthday and $15 for reaching 4 points aka spending way too much money there. Seriously, I have enough body stuff to last me AT LEAST a year if not longer!). I got this set that has chocolate scented stuff and a loofa, which brought me up to my 8th point giving me a $25 credit I think, and renewing my membership for another year. After the mall I came home, got dinner for Jess and then dinner for me and packed for the hair show and stay at my brothers house.   Sunday: I got up super early, went to the hair show and spent way too much money.   Monday: I did the same thing minus the spending. I only bought a couple of things. I pretty much didn't eat anything until dinner. I had brought a protein bar with me but it was DISGUSTING!!! So I just went without eating anything b/c everything they had at the show was either super expensive or things that I can't eat. On the way back I stopped at Starbucks and got a grande decaf soy iced white mocha. It was yummy. And I got an extra one which I gave to my sister in law b/c they didn't make it decaf the first time. When I got back my brother, sister in law and nephew took me out to dinner for my birthday.   Today (my actual birthday): I got up early, went to Denny's and got my free grand slam. Went to work, got my hair cut/fixed by my manager/friend (another coworker who doesn't like me didn't do such a great job on it). Then I went to Ulta for my free birthday brow wax and the girl did my makeup too. I felt bad for not tipping her more, but I'm so totally broke right now. I really hope she doesn't think I'm a total cheapo. Then I got my free birthday car wash. Then I came home, changed clothes and we went out to a hibachi grill for dinner. After dinner I dropped the bf off at home and went to Ross. There I found this pair of capri/petal pusher pants that I had been lusting over but every time I saw them they only had super tiny sizes like 3 and 5 or the shorts version (I can't wear shorts b/c of my legs). I did a happy dance in the dressing room. It's conceivable that I could fit the next size down (which they didn't have), but entirely possible that I couldn't b/c of my legs, either way, I'm used to wearing belts, so I'm ecstatic that I found them! I also found a super cute dress (I just need to find tights or something to wear under it). Finding the capri pants was the cherry on top of my fantastic birthday. I am so content! And and and I almost forgot. I tried on a pair of size 6 pants (just for the heck of it) and they fit! But they weren't cute enough to justify the price.   I think birthday sex may be next and I am so looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow (if I can get to bed at a decent hour).
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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Gotta start somewhere

I have the hardest time making blog posts. So bear with me. I am undecided about having this surgery. On the one hand, this is a MAJOR surgery. It means cutting away a big part of one of my major organs and altering everything I do. Not only the way I eat and drink, but my activity level, my hobbies (as in getting new ones that aren't eating related), my lifestyle as a whole. On the other hand it means everything will be perfect, right. My dad will finally love me, I'll finally get that promotion I've been wanting... Ha. Kidding. I know those things won't happen just from losing weight. My dad will always be an asshole. I know I can look forward to more energy, more confidence, being able to do my job with less pain, no more size or weight restrictions on the things I want to do. Those things. Being able to fit on rides, for example; the potential for my back and feet not to hurt at work, to be able to play with my nephew who's on the way, or even play with my own kids if I ever have them; to be able to sit on the floor and not be in pain, then to be able to get up after without a surface to help me up and a bit of straining... I think that would be worth it. But the thought of major surgery is still effin (normally I would swear, but I don't know about that on here) scary.   I know losing weight won't make my dad love me, my sister accept my lifestyle (she's religious, I'm not), get me the promotion I'm hoping for (hopefully I'll get it within the next few weeks anyway), magically make me better at my job so I can make the big bucks (gotta take classes and a different workplace for that). Even though I know weight loss won't cause these things to magically happen, I still hope from time to time. I do however, feel that losing weight will open opportunities that are either closed or that I think are closed to me. For example, becoming more confident will allow me to feel able to get another job.   I know this process won't be easy. Drinking 64 oz (I'm good on 32) of water a day, only eating 2 oz of mostly protein per meal. Timing when I can drink, taking vitamins, all this stuff is not easy. Not being able to drink coke ever again. Or those frozen caramel coffee drinks from Panera that I love so much. (I hate Starbucks and am not a coffee drinker except for my bimonthly frozen caramels). Or Thai Iced Tea. OMG, if you haven't had one, they are amazing. Very high in caffeine though. You have been warned.   So the real question is... Can I live without these things? Probably. I can live without the can's of Thai iced tea form the Asian market down the street. The best ones are made an hour away from me anyway at the best Thai place in the bay area; so lack of access helps. Coke? Well, I haven't had a more than a couple sips in at least a week if not longer. The entire month of August 2010 was soda free for me except for 3 Icees which my bf says count as sodas, but I say they don't. Sweet coffee drinks? Yes. I don't like coffee to begin with unless it's in sweet blended high calorie form. I do have a free frozen caramel at Panera from being a card member, so I'll have that, but I've been very good about not going crazy. Slurpees? My Slurpee and Icee consumption has gone down considerably. I don't get the Icees from the corner store anymore because they taste bad to me. Like they're made with tap water (I don't like our tap water), or like they don't clean the nozzles daily like they should. (BTW, this is why soda at some gas station marts doesn't taste good. They're supposed to clean the nozzles daily. BF worked at a gas station for a little while.) Sweet things? I am convinced that the occasional sweet thing won't hurt my weight loss. (I'm fat because I eat too much, not because I eat nothing but sweets. But they don't help things, obviously.) Sobe? Oh I love those. But I also don't have them very often. Maybe 3x a month. More if I'm on a kick, less if I'm not. Milk? I don't care what they say, I'm going to drink milk if I want to drink milk. I don't drink it every day. Soft serve? Most likely. There have been so many times I've wanted it lately but not gotten it and the cravings have been less and less and easier and easier to deal with. I don't want to never eat soft serve again in my life. I just want to get to the point where I can have a little bit, be satisfied, and move on with my life. I feel like I'm jabbering on and on. I have noticed that my tastes have changed a little. I can't finish a whole can of coke anymore. As I said, Icee's taste bad to me now, or at least the ones at the corner store do. The last slurpee I had was a little underwhelming. I haven't mentioned alcohol. I don't drink.   My biggest fear right now, besides not wanting to die from surgery, is that I won't be able to eat anymore. What I mean, is really eat. Eat large portions of food. Eat whatever I want. Being satisfied that I've eaten too much, but it was so good. Isn't that the whole point of having surgery? To not be able to eat crap? YES. But this just seems scary to me. Like, oh no, what will I do now. And that's what I mean by needing to get new hobbies.   Which brings me to exercise. You know, I actually used to like going to the gym. It's like, even though I know things, they don't compute in my brain now. Somewhere between beauty school, my first bf, and my current bf, I had lost like 50 to 70 pounds (IDK my highest weight back then, so this is my best guess based on what pant size I wore). I lost weight because of my DDR obsession, then I lost more weight from being dumped, then I met my current bf and put the weight back on and then some. And so did he.   If you don't know what DDR is, you don't know what you're missing. Wait, you mean being good at DDR doesn't make you cool? Aw *frownie face*. DDR is Dance Dance Revolution. If you still don't know what it is, Google it. Being good at DDR is like this secret fantasy of mine. I feel like being good at DDR is so cool and make me cool. Not in real life, but I will be so cool in my own head. And that makes me happy. I used to be so much better at it than I am now. I could do a couple standard songs. I haven't played in a while, but the last time I did it was like, "I used to be able to do this." The first guy I ever dated introduced me to DDR. For about 2 years after that I became obsessed. There's this website that has DDR machine locations and I would go to places just to play. I think that's why I lost weight. I didn't think of it as exercise. After my first bf (different guy) dumped me I became very anxious. I had a hard time eating, but I still managed to eat crap. But I think even though I was eating badly, I was eating less? Maybe. I can't remember. Anyway, me and my mom started going to the gym regularly. We'd go at night when there was hardly anyone there. I got my routine down to doing 40 minutes or 400 calories burned (according to the display) on the elliptical, whichever came first, but it ended up being about the same. Then I would do weights. Usually arms more than legs. I was up to 50lbs on most of the arm machines. Now I can barely do 20. I want to get back to that. I got down to about 209/215. A size 20 is skinny for me. When bf and I got together I stopped going to the gym, started eating badly, and now 7 years later I'm up about 64lbs. I ended up being a bad influence on him as well b/c he had just lost weight on weight watchers and was drinking diet soda, and I thought diet soda was gross so he switched to regular and ate badly along with me.   I want to get back into going to the gym again. But it's just so hard. Somebody call the wambulance! I know the more I go the better it will get and it will get easier as I lose weight, but right now that isn't connecting in my head. Like right now we're training for Bay to Breakers. We're behind on training due to the rain and general laziness. I walk very slow. I mean 30 minute mile slow. Right now I can't imagine walking faster. Of course this will change if/when the weight comes off, but right now it feels hopeless.   It's hard for me to imagine myself smaller. In the past I didn't feel any different when I lost weight. I just felt like me. My clothes would just magically expand or shrink. So I'm having a hard time seeing myself loosing weight. I mean, so far I've lost about... 7 or 8 lbs, but my clothing doesn't fit any different yet, so it hasn't sunk in that this effort of eating better is working.   A couple nights ago I made tacos (I'm not the cook, he is, and this is one of the few things I make). I fixed 2 for myself and a ramekin of re-fried beans with cheese. I could only eat one taco and half the beans. I did put some effort toward eating more beans and seriously considered trying to eat my other taco but I knew I couldn't. I literally could not have stuffed it down if I wanted to. And then something clicked. This is what you're supposed to do. You eat, you get full, you stop. Like some magical realization. Like, this is how it's going to be. This is how it works.   Since then I've been making an honest effort to follow plan and write down what I eat. I have gone off plan a few times, and over eaten about 3 times, but I feel different about it now. I am having a problem though. When I follow plan I feel empty inside. Like I know I'm full but I still feel empty. I thought it was a physical emptiness, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was an emotional emptiness. And I've been having this weird pain in my chest/throat. I think it may be heartburn. It's like an uncomfortable feeling. Heartburn is the only way I can think to describe it.   Oh, the water. So the plan I'm following calls for 64oz of water/fluid to be drunk per day. This includes crystal light, decaf teas, dunno if non fat milk counts (we drink whole in this house). 64 ounces is just too much for me. I'm good on 32 to maybe 50ish. 2 to 3 water bottles. When I try to drink all 64, and I'm rarely able to drink that much, I feel like I'm peeing all the time. And I'll wake up and have to pee anywhere from 2 to 5 times in the night. So for me personally, 64oz is too much. Plus my sister in law once told me that her doctor told her that she should not be drinking that much because some people don't need that much. I'm not saying that I know more than a doctor does, I'm saying I know certain aspects of my body better because it's me. Besides the fact that my job doesn't allow me to drink that much.   I love what I do. I like where I do it, I have great coworkers, but it's becoming time to move on. As stated in my profile, I am a hair stylist. I have been at my current salon almost 6.5 years. I work in a select service salon. I know I am bordering on becoming stuck there. I want to move on and branch out to full service, or maybe even makeup and/or nails. I know I have more potential, I just haven't harnessed it yet. And part of that is I feel my weight is holding me back. I have 3 herniated disks in my back (not weight caused, but the weight isn't helping), so doing shampoos and bending isn't something I would be able to do on a regular basis. So I'm really hoping that I can lose the weight, gain confidence, and then move on. And in losing weight I hope to gain strength in my back and over all so I will be able to work. I actually found out about the surgery from a former coworker who got it done (she had r&y), lost weight, then moved on. I'd like to be able to do that as well.   I'm almost 28. Ideally I want to be pregnant with our first child by 30. So I kinda feel like if I'm going to do this, I need to do it now and stop dragging my feet. I don't want to be fat and pregnant. I have this fear that if I were to get pregnant now (among a whole slew of other issues) that people wouldn't be able to tell and they'd just think I'm fat. Another fear is that what if I got pregnant and didn't know and couldn't tell b/c I'm fat and then suddenly had a baby. How embarrassing would that be. I'd just die. I know this probably isn't very realistic, but who ever said fears were rational?   I have major daddy issues, which I may or may not get into in another entry. Basically he made my life a living hell growing up. Very emotionally abusive. Needless to say, I don't want to tell him if I get it done. Believe me, I want a relationship with him so badly, I really wish I had a dad, but he's an unmediated bipolar; it's not happening. It makes me so sad. And it makes me mad that I still love him even though I hate him so much. And it hurts so much knowing losing the weight won't make him love me. ;_; I don't feel comfortable telling my sister. She's the good one, the favorite. I love her dearly, but we just don't have an open relationship and I am very afraid of being judged. Plus given the comments she makes about fat people, being fat is probably the worst thing a person can be, to her. I wouldn't be comfortable with my grandma knowing. My dad has fed her lies about me, she's never approved of my weight, telling my parents to do something about it instead of being a grandma. And she doesn't approve of my living situation (unmarried & living together; I think if it bothers her that much she should pay for my wedding). As far as work and clients go, the girls at work would know, and clients don't need to know anything other than I'm following a meal plan, making lifestyle chances, exercising, ect. It's none of their business anyway. My bf supports me whatever I do. Whether I don't lose another pound or I get surgery and lose 100+. At first he was against it, but I think he knows what it means to me, so he's supportive. I told my mom. That was hard. But she was ok. I know she's not a fan of the idea, but she wouldn't give me a straight answer why. My sister in law doesn't want me to die. She's actually the only one who said that I'm fine the way I am. Idk if my brother knows. Idk if my nephew knows, or if he'd have much of an opinion since he's 16. My in-laws: mom is against it because she knows 2 people who had it done, one is gaining the weight back and the other almost died. She feels that I should stay the same or lose weight non surgically. Haven't gotten an opinion from dad yet. (Yes, I do call my bfs parents mom and dad, just not to their faces.) I have one aunt and uncle who I can see being supportive. My cousins I'm iffy about. One of my best friends hasn't said any opinion either way (so I think she'd be supportive either way, we've been friends for over 20 years), and my other best friend seems against it.   I know I need therapy or something when it comes to food and all the feelings I have associated with it and my family, but I don't know where to get it. I can't afford a private therapist, and Kaiser sucks in that department.       Ok. So now that you think I'm crazy.... On to what I'm sure you're probably more interested in:     Highest weight: 281 Kaiser's starting weight for me: 278 Current weight (as of last weigh in): 273 Goal weight: 255 I'm 5'5.5", pear shaped, so if you saw a head shot, you'd probably think I'm much smaller than I am.     Assuming I do get surgery, it will be at Kaiser Richmond. Right now I'm in the process of re-enrolling in the program. I should get a call from Robin in 7 to 10 days from Friday. Not sure if those are business days or not. From there I'll have to take a class or two. Past that I assume the process resumes as it was before with reaching goal, appointments, tests, and then surgery... to simplify it.   Even if I don't get surgery, I feel that this group is the right place for me to be right now as far as my weight loss goes.   Back in 2008 I got like 3lbs from goal then I gained all the weight I lost back plus 3lbs (I think I just wasn't ready). I stopped going, then I decided to go again after talking to a client who had it done. Now I'm down about 5lbs from my starting weight, and 8lbs from my highest (starting over) weight. I need to loose 18 more pounds. My personal goal is to loose 23 more. Once I meet that, I will begin saving for and planning a trip to Disneyland (that will be the weight I was the last time I went so I'll know for sure that I'll be able to fit on the rides).   At first I wanted the LapBand. It still sounds like the best choice for me, but with all my concerns, ultimately, I feel that the sleeve is a better choice.   In group (the support group at Kaiser Richmond) they said that if you set a goal for when you want to have surgery, it helps you get to goal and a lot of people who did this have had their surgery near the date they picked. I would prefer to have it done in the Spring, maybe Summer (with my luck it'd be a 100+ degree summer =/ ). Just not Winter. I know myself; I won't want to get up and walk if it's cold outside. So I think May through September would be good. I don't want to get it done right before the holidays because I just don't see it ending well. Either way, my first holidays post op should be with my in-laws. I think Valentines Day would be a really cool day to have it, but when I really think about it, it's still too cold then. I feel like May is too soon, as in I doubt I'll be at goal and have all the other things taken care of by then, plus Idk if I'll be mentally ready by then. But I don't want to wait till next Spring either. My current goal is to reach my goal weight by summer. So basically that means before September. My work doesn't want me to take December off, but I'm so tempted to... assuming that it worked out that way.   This has been a slow process for me. As far as the meal plan goes, I started cutting back on soda, for example. Then I was loosely following the meal plan. And now I have about 1 meal a day that's plan, and the others are plan-ish, but not dead on. I have to work up to it. I can't just jump right in. And that's ok. Because I want to be sure. I want to be sure I can do this.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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Exciting stuff

Today while shopping at Lucky's I was offered a sample of a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie and I did not take it.   For that I think I deserve a cookie. Not a literal cookie, mind you.   I did buy a pair of sun glasses, earrings, hand lotion, and nose studs for $2.17 b/c my local Icing is going out of business. So I don't feel guilty for spending money on things I didn't need because I evaded the cookie sample.   =D
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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Excess Fat

I feel like I should write something here. Plus I have to wait for all my B2B pics to upload to FB.   There's a facebook group for the support group I go to irl. The topic came up of excess fat. So I wanted to talk a little about it.   In an established thread I asked 'how does one determine how much excess fat they have?' The answer I got was 'BMI.' My response was as follows: 'I'm not a BMI fan, but it's probably a good starting point. I was once told by a trainer at the gym who did a body fat pinch test on me that I have 140lbs of everything that isn't fat. So minus the muscle I'll lose as I lose weight that sounds about right based on what I think my sister weighs and my build. But 200 is skinny for me, so anything past that is amazing.' The response was, 'I'll take the drs advice over a gym trainer any day.' I feel like my response wasn't interpreted correctly. Which is ok. I don't feel like getting more into it on there.   What my response was getting at:   This was like 9 years ago when I had this specific body fat pinch test done at the 24hr Fitness location I used to go to when I still lived at home. According to the guy who did it, I have 140lbs of muscle, bones, organs, etc. Everything else was fat. Not necessarily all excess fat because the body needs fat. Just not as much as I've got. So for the longest time I was under the impression that I will never weigh less than 140lbs. I explained this to my boyfriend probably about a month ago and he said this logic was flawed. Now I don't know his reasoning, but I now understand why it is flawed. But none the less, I must say, it is a good reference point. So it's flawed because as I lose weight, I will lose muscle as well because my body won't need as much muscle to support 280lbs as it will say 150lbs. Therefore, it is possible for me to weigh under 140lbs.   My sister and I have the same figure shape. Shes an inch or two shorter than me and we have about the same build, she is maybe a little smaller. I'm probably about a medium build. The smallest she's ever been was a size 6 in college. She is usually about an 8 or 10 depending on the clothing item, but is bigger now because she's pregnant, which is expected. So based on what I think she weighs normally, 140lbs isn't a bad guess for me.   Because BMI was brought up, I googled it and looked at 3 sites to get an average number. I'm 5 '5.5".   Here are what the sites said:   5' 5" 113lbs - 138lbs 5' 6" 117lbs - 143lbs     5' 5.5" 114lbs - 145lbs   (small build, medium build, large build) 5' 5" 117-130 127-141 137-155 5' 6" 120-133 130-144 140-159   Given these numbers I would think that I would be somewhere between 120lbs and 145lbs.   I would absolutely love to weigh under 150lbs. And I'm 99.9% sure that I will never weigh under 120lbs. Or if I did, I'd look way too skinny.   In conclusion, what the guy at the gym told me is fairly accurate. I just don't think my point came across in my original comment.   209lbs is the lowest I have ever been in my adult life. Size 20 is the smallest I've been (on bottom, I'm pear shaped.) 200lbs and a size 20 is skinny for me. When I get down to a size 18 I can say, "I haven't been this small since 5th grade." If I get down to 150lbs I can say, "I haven't weighed this much since I was 10."  
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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Dr Drew = Good. Anti-fat blogger = Bad.

I was listening to LoveLine on the way home last night and Dr Drew started the show with talking about addiction and how fat people aren't given the acknowledgment that food addiction is the same as drug addiction. As in, they're treated like, 'just stop eating so much.' If I could listen to the show for free, I would type out exactly what he said. He said that often there is trauma behind the addiction just as with drug addicts. He also shared a story about a woman who was sexually abused by her father then given milk and cookies after for being such a good girl, and now she has all these feelings and can't distinguish between them therefore she now eats to dull the pain. Of course not all overweight people have had bad things happen to them, but I like that this is slowly getting more attention because I feel very strongly that I would not have the issues I have today had my dad been a dad and not an asshole. Which is why I've said in the past that I blame him for me being fat. And I don't mean in a he-forced-me-to-eat-so-I'm-fat way, I mean it in a if-he-hadn't-been-mean-to-me-I-may-not-have-felt-the-need-to-eat-and-I-might-not-be-in-this-situation-way.     Earlier today I found this blog written by this effing c*nt (I don't want to get banned for language, otherwise I wouldn't censor) about weight loss. She has no clue what she's talking about. I will not link it because I will not help spread misinformation. In one post she went on to say that everyone who has ever had wls (all kinds) regretted having it at 10 years out. She completely failed to cite any of her claims with proof. Reading this sorta got me doubting the surgery. So I browsed through other entries. She had one about an article on a guy who was on the biggest loser. She missed the point of the article and took the majority of it out of context and made the assumption that fat people are stupid. This kind of shit pisses me off. One of the things she was complaining about was that the guy in the article said he ate less and exercised more. She then said that that meant that a fat person at home would assume that all they'd have to do is exercise for an hour a day and eat a little less and the weight would fall off like on the biggest loser. Anyone who has seen that show, even one episode, can tell that they exercise like it's their job. They're literally exercising as many hours per week as I work at my job. I hate how people assume fat and stupid go together. Just like how Cartman thinks Nascar and stupid go together. (I watched a lot of South Park last week while home sick.)     I got more information about my liver. But I'll post that separate.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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Dinner

For dinner I made pureed rotisserie chicken breast with gravy from scratch. It was soooo good! It looked like cat food! XD   It was so nice to eat real food for a change. Way better than the eggs. I think I even ate a little too much. This is the first meal where I actually felt full.   I told Callie she could have my left overs since she loves gravy, but I had about half of it left, so I put it in the fridge for later. And I measured out a quarter cup. But I did put gravy on it, so that probably made the difference.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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Dilemma

If you follow my blog, you'll know my 5k is Saturday. Yay! Except for a wrench has been thrown into my plans.   Earlier tonight my mom called me to tell me that my nephews birthday dinner will be tomorrow night. The plan is for me and mom to share a plate and hope that no one watches me eat. 3 (4 if you count the 3.5 month old) people there don't know I've had surgery and I'd like to keep it that way. If anyone says anything I'll just say I have an upset stomach and that a few people at work have the flu. Which is only a half lie, since I am fine... for now. I will be pissed if I do get the flu in the near future from any one of my sick coworkers. The downside to this excuse is I probably won't get to hold my little nephew (the 3.5 month old).   Now here's where the dilemma comes in. I have been planning for months to stay at my parents house over night for the 5k. 20 minute drive from their house to the 5k vs 1.5 hour drive from mine. When I say months, I mean months! I registered for the race mid May. Now that my nephews birthday dinner is tomorrow my sister decided that she's going to spend the night at my parents house too (they live about 1.5 to 1.75 hrs away from my parents house). Her, her husband, and baby. It is a no win situation. The room I normally stay in when I'm down is my old old room at my parents house that she and I used to share. Now it's more like my mom's office / guest room. My old room is now the cats room. I never stay in it because my allergies can't handle 3 cats and the bed is broken. So I always stay in the other room. The other options are sleeping on the couch downstairs. Or my mom has offered to let me sleep in her bed and she'll sleep somewhere else (my dad will most likely be downstairs watching tv till the wee hours or on his computer looking at porn.) My mom is the best person in the whole entire universe. I can't kick her out of her own bed. Even if she offered it to me. I just can't do that. Anyway, the point I'm getting at is I made my plans MONTHS in advance to sleep over at their house for my 5k and now my sister decides to spend the night. So on the one hand I should get the room because I made my plans well in advance. On the other they're 2 adults and a baby, so they should get the room. See what I mean. It's a no win situation.   When I found this out I was at work and I wanted to cry. I still do when I think about it.   I don't know what to do. BF suggested contacting BFF and seeing if I could sleep over her house since we're doing the 5k together. I texted her but haven't heard back yet.   At least I'll get to see my sister in law tomorrow. I texted her asking which restaurant we're going to and she texted me back the name and asked if I'll be able to eat anything there. I looked at their menu online and they do have a few things I can eat. So at least I'll have a couple allies there tomorrow night. Just the thought of eating in front of my sister and her husband makes me so nervous.   [EDIT]: I guess I misunderstood my mom. I will be sleeping in her bed with her, so at least that is taken care of.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

2
 

Bad news I'm afraid

... sort of?   About 2 years ago I had what I and then ER people thought was a gallbladder attack. I had eaten terribly (chicken fajitas, the onions and peppers cooked in butter and oil =x on top of over eating) and started feeling sick. You know that, 'if I could only throw up I'd feel better' feeling. Well, I started throwing up and couldn't stop. So we went to the ER (which at the time was 20 miles away, before they finished building the one in my town, not that this is a necessary detail). They gave me morphine, IV fluids, contrast solution for a CT scan, and other exams. They told me my gallbladder looked "sludgy" and told me to have my PCP make me an ultra sound appointment. My PCP at the time (I have a different one now) said that a CT was more accurate than an ultra sound and wouldn't schedule me one. Fast forward to last week, Wednesday. The supposed GB attacks I had didn't last long (10/20 mins each), but we figured going to the ER couldn't hurt just in case, so we went. It was a surprisingly pleasant experience. The ER doc said it seemed like it's most likely my gallbladder. I told her that my old PCP wouldn't schedule me an ultra sound, so she scheduled me one for the next day. Since it's been a week since the ultra sound and I hadn't heard back from the dr, I called them this morning and my PCP called me with the results: my gallbladder is fine. My liver is huge. Over twice the size it should be. I can't remember what she said the size of a normal liver is, but I'm pretty sure she said mine is 21cm (I could be wrong, but I do remember then twice as big as it should be part).   I fought off a panic attack and losing it at work. I saved that for when I got home. My PCP ordered blood tests, that I got then done after work today (apparently 4th times a charm). I should get an email with the results by Monday (hopefully). Once the results are in, we'll go from there. If the tests don't show anything, a biopsy may be necessary. Today I also called the dietitian at Kaiser for pre-op meal plan advice. This feels like my 'scared straight' moment.   My PCP said I should eat healthy and exercise. That they are vitally important at this point. So maybe I'll dance around (and cry) a little before bed.   Being the person I am, I googled 'enlarged liver.' And because I'm such a medical expert (I am so not!), I'd like to think a few of the pages I've read apply to me. And if they don't, that's fine. It just gives me peace of mind. Like, I've been feeling this way, liver problems can make a person feel this way. Oh, ok, I'm not going crazy, there's a reason for the way I've been feeling... for example. Plus I don't drink. There's non-alcohol alcohol like liver disease. Most likely cause from being fat. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Still, knowing that is relieving, though.   Guess this means I can't get trashed on my birthday next month. Haha. Said the non drinker. When I do drink, if I do drink, it's an average of 4 times or less a year. Even if you double that in case I'm lying, I doubt that's enough for alcohol related liver problems. A fatty liver makes a whole lot more sense to me. I don't think people believe me when I say I could go the rest of my life without ever having another drink again. I just don't like drinking. Like how people don't believe me when I say that I don't watch tv. (which is different from watching shows I like on my computer.)   Either way, though, it puts a damper in my surgery plans. Surgery or no surgery, I have to lose weight. Period. In all seriousness, they won't operate if you've got a fatty liver. It could break in half and that could end very badly. I'm not terribly concerned right now since I'm still processing what having surgery really means. I just wouldn't want to be on the table, cut into, my time off work all arranged, and no surgery b/c of my liver. That would be incredibly frustrating. I wonder if they can test for that to avoid this scenario. Really, I just need to stfu and wait for the results.   I should go to the gym after work tomorrow.     Uh... wat?   4th times a charm?   When I was in the ER last week it took them 4 tries to get the IV in for blood tests and fluids. I still have a bruise on one failed spot. Apparently I have hard to get to veins. The first nurse couldn't find a vein to use, so they brought this other nurse in who stuck me 3 more times and did a super tight double wrap (makes you realize how hard it would really be to cut off your own arm; 127 hrs) and had to hit my hand pretty hard to get a vein to show. Today wasn't as bad, but the guy did try 4 spots before finding one, but at least he only stuck me once.   Cry?   It's like I can't handle happy. A couple hours ago when I was warming up my dinner I danced a little to a song I liked and I felt like crying because I was happy to be dancing to a song I like. Like the happy is too much to handle so tears come out. If that makes any sense.   I tend to over-explain things.   AND   Isn't it kinda fucked up that I can be having a panic attack and no one can tell? I'm so good at looking fine when I'm not. That just seems so wrong.     ... sort of?   Like I said earlier, this was kind of like my come to Jesus moment. So even though this isn't necessarily good news, it's good that I now have a sense of urgency to take care of my health. Sooner rather than later.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

0
 

a little bit of this, a little bit of that

I lost 11lbs in a month! (March 3 - April 6) Yay! But I have to wonder how much of that was from being sick and not eating as much vs following the meal plan. You know how when you're sick and you lose weight and then gain it back when you're well? I'm hoping it's not that. All of it can't be.   And you know what that means? That I'm 7 or 8 lbs from goal! I weighed in at 262 point something (which blew my mind), and my goal is 255. One of my coworkers said I look like I've lost some weight and I noticed that my orange old navy tee seemed to fit looser and my Threadless Pillow Fight tee felt a slightly looser. My Avenue jeans also felt looser. And I think my Lame Giant jeans fit better too. I better stop before I list every article of clothing I own. Not everything fits differently. My jean petal pushers from Ross didn't seem any different. And I don't notice any difference in my bras.   That's the weird thing. When I lose or gain weight I don't feel any different. I just feel like me. It's like my clothes magically shrink or get bigger while I stay the same.   Which reminds me, I bought some clothes at Old Navy. Just tops. I'm really loving their Lace-Trim V-Neck Camis right now, so I got 3 of them (I already have 5 of them). They make my boobs look great! I got 2 in black and one in this funky green color to go under another top I have. If it doesn't match I'll take it back and just wear a black one with the top. I also got 2 other tank tops, a long sleeved thermal, which I wasn't sure about since I'm planning on shrinking. I got a super cute graphic tee, and I think that's it. I got 7 things for like 40 bucks. Not bad. I have done better in the past though. I've gotten about the same number of items for like 26 bucks before. My coworkers think I'm so cheap. And I guess I am. But here's the thing. I'll totally throw down a couple hundred on a purse like it ain't no thang. lol. Or on cosmetics/beauty crap (hair, nails, makeup). But that also does have to do with my job and jobs I may have in the future.   I'm really liking Old Navy right now. Besides that a lot of their tops are too thin (supposedly you're supposed to layer everything now), I like that they're affordable (I'm a sale rack shopper), and I like that their regular woman's sizes go up to 20 on bottoms on 2x on tops. That's how it should be. Up to size 20 you're normal sized. Above 20 you're fat. I'm fat. But when I was a size 20 I was thin. 20 is thin for me. More stores should be like this. Sizes shouldn't top off at 12 or 14 when the average woman is a 14/16. The one thing that pisses me off about ON is that they don't carry plus sizes in the stores anymore. But hopefully that won't be an issue much longer.   I found out what's wrong with my liver. I have NASH. That'll have an entry all it's own in case you're wondering what it is.   Getting back to the start; I wonder if I could reach goal next month? That just feels so fast. I've got so much coming up, idk when I'd have surgery. My birthday's this month. Next month is Bay to Breakers (which we are so not prepared for =/ ). My sister is supposed to have her baby at the end of June, and I've got a dentist appointment mid June. And a coworker is having her baby, so she'll be out for 6 weeks. I almost forgot about that. We're going to Vegas mid July. After that nothings planned. Work wise, and I don't care if it inconveniences them b/c I need to put me first, August is back to school, September (bfs birthday) / October (our anniversary) are usually slower months (but one of my coworkers is getting married in October), November / December are holidays. May would be perfect. But this may wouldn't work for various reasons, and I wouldn't want to wait a whole nother year. Jess suggested June, but that seems fast and idk about having it done before Vegas. But I'm not against it. Part of me wants December just to be like, f**k the man (I'm way more bark than bite). However it happens I'm sure it will work out. I was just preferring Spring or Summer because I'd be more likely to get out and walk when it's nice out. I know myself. I don't like to get out and walk when it's cold and/or rainy.   That's another thing that's really irritating me about work. I found out today that one of my coworkers scheduled her vacation for the same time as mine. (In all fairness, her boyfriend picked the dates, but still.) And I've been planning mine since the beginning of the year. And we never go on vacation. Literally, we have not gone on a vacation since 2006. Taking a weekend to go visit my mom who lives an hour away is not a vacation. I've had the hotel booked since mid February and the tickets for the conference we're going to are non-refundable. And I am not about to be out of $900! Since the beginning of the year I've been saying that we're going in July to Vegas since my work has this stupid policy where they don't want you to put in requests for time off more than a couple months in advance so that everyone has a chance at time off. Which is so stupid because most people plan months or longer in advance and there's no guarantee we can have the time off even if we put in a request and our entire trip (or event like say a wedding) is paid for and non-refundable. Luckily this hasn't been an issue other than with previous management having a bitch fit over it (I requested Saturdays off because I was training for a half marathon for a charity over like a 4 month period. And in the beginning I was still working a half day after training). And because of this policy and the fact that the schedules are made so far in advance, lately I've been forgetting to put in requests for the days I need. I almost forgot to request off Bay to Breakers. They claim they want us to have lives and to use our vacation time, but then get mad when we try to. I have a love hate relationship with my work. I feel like it would be impossible to go back to school for something, even one class a week.   BUT... I got promoted!! (after this big ol rant about my job, haha). I'm assistant manager now! I know I wasn't my boss's first choice. I got it because my manager wanted me to be it, not the girl the boss wanted. He announced my promotion at our work meeting we had. Idk if it was just me, but it sounded like the position could be taken away from me, the way he was talking about it. I mean, obviously if I'm not doing the job it can be taken away. He said, just cause I was assistant manager now, doesn't mean there aren't opportunities for others to have the position. Then he segued into shift leaders. Like, nice save there, but I got what you meant. Or I could be reading into it cause I don't think he likes me. And I can totally see why he'd want her in the position by the way she is around him. But he doesn't see how she is when he's not there. But enough about that.   So that's exciting. I hope I get a raise soon. I need to save for so much. The surgery. Vegas. Bills. The future.   If someday I do get a different job or start working for myself, idk what my options for health care will be at that time. I just can't see having a major surgery and then not having health care. Plus now that I have the liver issue and I get sick way more often than I'd like. And I actually like my PCP for once. And my va-jay dr.   Plus idk how much I should save for the month I'm off after surgery. You bet I'm taking a full month. Idk if I've got everything listed that I'll need money for.   Rent Surgery - I'm pretty sure I now how much this will be Health Care - I'll have to pay this instead of having it take out of my checks automatically Groceries - whatever I'll need for after surgery and my bf still needs to eat, the cat needs to eat PG&E - I can guesstimate this Comcast - this is always the same amount Credit Card(s) bill - I can only assume we'll still have this Entertainment - gas money, bridge toll, Laundry quarters Lost wages - I can approximate how much this'll be my cell phone bill   If anyone actually reads this and has any suggestions, please comment. That's all I can think of right now that I'd need to save for.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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3 days post-op, day 1 at home

I managed to get some decent sleep last night. I can't say the same for Jess who just moved to the bed to get an extra hour before work. Me with 3 pillows under my upper half, one behind me supporting my lower back and one between my knees doesn't leave much room for him. Normally sleeping on the couch wouldn't bother me, but not in this condition. I got about 5 hours of sleep before waking up. I got up and I was in a lot of pain. So I took my pain meds while pacing the apartment, then went back to sleep for another 3, this time with a cold compress on my head, and now I'm up.   They gave me this anti heart burn pill to take. Idk if I should take it yet or not since I'm still on liquids and not eating meals yet. It is a small pill but the thought of taking it scares me a little. What if it hurts. Ok, I took it. Here's hoping for the best. Now I wait half a hour, then I'm going to have some Jello.   I need to shower. I can smell myself. I haven't showered since monday morning.   Ok. So I just brushed my teeth. And my face is clean now. I'm a little worried about the body, but now that I have those two knocked out, I feel a little more confident about washing myself without getting too much water on my front. It's been about an hour since I started this entry, for reference.   I'm having a Jello cup for "breakfast." Jello cups are never ending. Yesterday I had one and it felt like I was eating it forever and it was still there.   I'm going to attempt to shower now. I've got my outfit picked out. Wish me luck.   It's almost 2 hours from the start of this entry and I am now clean.   3.25 hrs later I am dressed, medicated, and wondering when I should take the carafate.   Maybe I should start posting times. I started this entry around 8:30 this morning. It's 10:58 now.   I called kaiser about the carafate. And I asked a question about it on the board for my support group. It says to take it a hour before eating or 2 - 3 hours after eating. But since I'm not technically eating, I'm not sure how to take it.   I finally finished a jello cup. At noon I'll take carafate. And then at 12:45ish it will be time to medicate again.   It's 2:10. I took the carafate. Took a nap. Got up, medicated. I'm having Swanson's beef broth, which is nommin, and I paid most of the bills.   The guys for the flies came even though Jess called the front office and told them not to. And they're supposed to warn me if they're going to paint again. I can't remember if I wrote about it yesterday or not, I woke up from a nap around 4pm and my apartment smelled really bad like chemicals. Like paint thinner or something. It freaked me out. I was crying. I called Jess 3/4 times, no answer. I texted his mom She called me and and asked if I wanted them to come get me, I said yes. So I sat out on my patio till they came and got me. Turns out they were painting the apartment behind ours and the paint fumes were coming in from the ac. I was freaking out because I didn't know what the smell was and I didn't know if it was going to hurt me or not in my fragile just got home from surgery condition. And there was stupid in the pool, just like there is today. So that added to my freaking out.   I'm going to try taking a B-12. While in the hospital I couldn't imagine taking my vitamins when I got home. I told my surgeon and he said that I could wait a week or two if I wanted. That I wouldn't get any vitamin deficiencies.   I started my period at the hospital. My face is all broken out. I wish I had something to put on it. You'd think I would with all the beauty junk I have, but no. My skin is usually the least of my worries. I'm almost out of my face wash, so idk if we're gonna go to the mall tonight and get more or order it online or what. The benefit of going at getting it is that I can get a sample of stuff for my breakouts. I just texted Jess' mom and she happens to be going on base soon so she's going to check the price of Purity for me. My coworker buys hers on base, so I wonder how much cheaper it is.   3:37p It feels like this gas will be the death of me. It's like I have to encourage it to come out. Coax it. I've been trying bending down on all fours on the bed trying to get it out that way. Leaning over the couch a little seems to help too. Burping really hurts, so I'm trying to fart. When I feel like I've swallowed air I pat my chest to see if it'll come up. Usually doesn't, but it helps with the pain.   4p Now we has purity. It was 6 bucks cheaper on base.   I kinda want to turn the ac on but I'm scared because the office smells a little to me. Could be my washcloth from earlier. but I don't want to chance it.   My itchiness is getting closer and closer to my incisions. I wish one more of them had a bandage over it because it's so freaky looking. I want to take pictures of them.   4:23 I just took macro pictures of my stomach. The one incision that freaks me out is so gross looking! I couldn't get any good shots of the bruising on my arms from the blood thinner injections.   I don't have the sensation to pee like I did in the hospital. So I've been gong every so often. I probably just have less liquids in me.   8:06p I took carafate one more time. I've been standing and pacing the apartment most of the day. I'm sitting now (but probably won't be for long) and the gas bubbles are back.   Well, it's 8:30p and I going to go to bed. I'll probably wake up a few times in the night. Here's hoping it's progressively better.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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27 days to go

About a month ago I got my surgery date, August 22nd.   I'm not so sure how I feel about this.   I think because I'm going to start my period soon and I've been craving stuffing everything in my face, I'm doubting that I can do this. I need to lose as much weight as possible before surgery. To give my surgeon more room to work and to shrink my liver as much as possible.   I've lost about 32lbs so far. I know I've lost it because things are fitting better, but I don't feel any smaller and I don't look any smaller to me when I look in the mirror.   A pair of capris I bought last summer fit now. A pair of jeans I bought idk when from Ross b/c they were on sale for 10 bucks fit now. When I tried them on they barely fit b/c they were a size too small but I figured for the price and the fact that I'd hopefully shrink into them, I'd get them. My dress I bought last summer fits and looks better, but I still need to alter the bust. My Lame Giant pants I bought a couple years ago aren't skin tight anymore. Very nice. A few tank tops that were skin tight fit better now. I do feel that I've lost more from my lower half than upper half. Which is nice since I'm pear shaped.   I feel like this will be good, but I just don't want to fail. I guess... I'm scared of failing.
My Life as Liz

My Life as Liz

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