Yesterday was a tough blog post for me. Because I had a bad morning yesterday, it started bringing up all those old feelings.
I made myself remember all of it. Not just Buffalo Butt, not just the bus, but more... There were so many times that I was interested in a boy that befriended me only to end up dating one of my (thinner) friends. It's very possible it was because they just didn't want to date ME, but all I saw was rejection of a fatty. As an adult, I had two long distance relationships right out of college and that is it. Nada in about a decade. I've only kissed one guy in about 6 years, I think? And that was a drunken hook up at a friend's wedding. Ha!
Growing up, I was the same size as some of my friends, but I always considered myself the fat one. I look at pictures and that wasn't really the case. All my friends had dates and boyfriends, but I didn't. My mom said that I always pushed them away or cut them off. The older I get, the more I realize that might be somewhat true. You know that Rodney Dangerfield quote about him not wanting to join any club that would have himself as a member? That's me, I think. In my head, I don't want to date anyone that would want to date me. Wow. That's just kinda sad...like, really...sad.
Did I mention that I love boys? I do. I'm boy crazy, in fact!! I just never get past the admiring stage.
I know I'm smart. I know I'm witty (in person...not so much in writing, ha!) I know that I am a natural leader, have a good work ethic and I'm nice. Apparently humble as well. But all that is negated much of the time because I'm fat. I was driving with a guy friend one time and he told me that guys will choose the skinny girl over the better looking overweight girl every time. He said that he knew it sucked, but it was true. That has really stuck with me.
Now, don't get me wrong, I know that fat people get married, fat people have sex, fat people date. I know all of that. While I can imagine a romantic scenario with a cute guy in fantasy, I have a hard time truly imagining it in reality.
About 4 years ago, I think I had a pretty good chance with a cute guy. We would email, talk on the phone and generally made excuses to see each other. It didn't work out and I started to gain weight. I didn't stop for 80 pounds. All the weight gain wasn't about him, for sure. But I have no doubt that it contributed to the start of it.
I know I feel better about myself now at 227 than I did at 285. No question about it. So, I do think that as I lose weight, I will continue to feel better about myself. I don't think when I am 185 that I will see myself in the mirror as if I am 285 or 225. Maybe the argument is that I should be happy with myself regardless of the number on the scale. But I don't think that is my reality. We'll see.
One thing I do know is that I haven't stuck with anything this long and I have officially lost more at one time than I ever have before. I WILL lose 120 pounds and I WILL feel good about my body.
I can't promise that losing the weight will net me a boyfriend. I know better than that. But if I feel good about myself, I know that will reflect and will at least allow for the possibility.
I will work on a happier post for tomorrow!!
Last I spoke to you all I was battling a sinus/ear infection. Tuesday night I decided to go to my session with Master Bruce (my trainer) anyway. That was probably a mistake. I felt better short term, but by the time I went to bed I had a full on fever. I went to the doctor Wednesday, was diagnosed with an infection and got some antibiotics. By bedtime I was starting to feel myself. Yesterday, I felt better but work was crazy since I had stayed home the day before. That's why I always hate to call in sick! :smile:
I was disappointed when I weighed this morning because I was up to the weight I started the week. I had lost some earlier in the week, but I was tight while I was sick. And the high calorie liquids I was drinking during the height of it didn't help. Oh well, my goal of losing 2.8 pounds this week isn't going to happen. But I will keep a bit of the goal and see if I can lose a little something...anything...just something lower than last week. I will be happy with that.
I'm not working out today and I'm going out to eat for two meals. I will have to be careful. For lunch we are having Mexican. I usually do okay there if I stay away from the tortilla chips. Goal step #1: no tortilla chips. If I eat the protein portion of my meal supplemented with some salsa, I will be good to go. I don't know where we are going tonight, but I'm sure I can steer it to something healthy...maybe in the seafood family.
After dinner tonight, we are going to Painting with a Twist. It is BYOB and they teach you to paint a picture. I'm not very artistic, so this should be interesting. I will post a picture of my picture next week. :tongue2:
Have a wonderful weekend!!
Okay, first the bad news for the week. I gained a 1/2 pound this week. Ugh. That is made even worse by the fact that it is only the 2nd week after a fill and I had a two pound loss going into the holiday weekend. Double ugh. Whatever possessed me to eat a bunch of ice cream, candy and cookies? What's up with that?
On a positive note, I have been very true to my exercise committment. I've been thinking that that I have done well with a fitness goal and started to think about what I will do after my 8 week committment is over. I think that I am leaning toward a "Couch to 5K" program. I hate running, but it isn't THAT far and with a goal to achieve...I just might be able to do it.
Monday-10 min on the treadmill.
Tuesday-30 min on the elliptical.
Wednesday-hour with personal trainer.
Thursday-30 min on the elliptical.
Friday-hour with personal trainer.
Saturday-hour of Jazzercise.
Sunday-25 min on the treadmill.
I'm pleased that I worked out 7 times (every day!), but I'm disappointed that it only adds up to 3 1/2 hours. I would really like to be more at the 5-6 hour range. There is work to be done! :thumbup:
I have four more weeks in my exercise program. So, I will focus on putting in as much time as possible!
I feel better and truly that is the most important thing!!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter! Have a great week!!
I've missed you all! It seems like forever since I've posted. My parents always keep me so darn busy.
They flew in Thursday and since they hadn't seen me in person since Memorial Day, they were pleased to see much less of me when I picked them up at the airport. When we got home, my friend Marie dropped off my new headboards she made which are super cute! My master BR one is faux leather and the spare BR is denim. Since I never had headboards, it really helps finish off the room.
Friday we went Living Room furniture shopping. I bought a piece of furniture that is two black leather recliners connected by arm rest cup holder things. It is kind of like theater seating except there are only two and it is super comfortable! I think I mentioned that I was tight last week after my fill. Late in the week I think my allergies were working overtime and I started to develop a respirtory infection. By Friday, I could hardly drink water because the drainage was so bad. I spent Friday night sleeping in my brand new recliner. Nothing like breaking it in right off the bat!
Saturday morning bright and early, my dad went with me to the doc for a slight unfill. I only wanted him to take out the .1 cc that was put in last week, but he took out .5 cc instead. I did feel immediately better! Then my mom & I went clothes shopping. I bought tons of shoes and winter clothes. Several items are snug and I won't be able to wear them until later in the winter, but I find closet shopping to be so fun. :thumbup: Plus, I was only bargain shopping now. Only discount stores and preferrably on sale! That was the motto of the day. Today I'm wearing some new things. I have on old blue jeans (that really are getting quite baggy) and black tank top, then over it I'm wearing a new teal short sleeve sweater. I'm also wearing new super pointy yet small healed nude Nine West pumps. I love fun shoes! We met my BFF Cori for dinner at Fuzzy's Tacos on Saturday. I love me some Fuzzy's!!
Sunday brought some errands. I actually bought a bra at Victoria's Secret. OOOOoooohhhhh! Pretty. That and a motorcycle jacket I bought at Nordstrom Rack were the two splurges of the weekend. I'm satisfied with both!
Last night we wrapped up the weekend watching my Colts. Woo Hoo! They kicked some brother butt. :thumbup: I like Eli, but I like winning better. Ha!
Today I'm back at work and will take the parents to the airport at lunch. It was great to see them, but it is time to get back into the routine.
My unfill is going to make it a challenge to eat correctly, but I know I can do it. I'm not sure when I will be able to get in for another fill, so it is up to me to make it work for a while. I'm committed to 4 Jazzercise classes this week and 1 running session. So, THAT should help keep things along. My goal is to be 210 by my New Orleans trip (10/01), and I'm only 2.2 pounds away!!
Have a great Monday everybody!!
First, let me tell you about my AWESOME vacation! Thursday night we landed in New Orleans and made our way to our hotel in the Quarter. After we checked in, we walked the 2.5 blocks (great location!) to Cafe du Monde for some decaf Cafe au Lait and beignets. When I was there in July, I was able to eat one beignet VERY SLOWLY and it was uncomfortable. After I was able to wolf down one super quick this time, I knew I was in trouble! :confused: Then we headed over to Pat O's and the dueling pianos for a Hurricane. One Hurricane is PLENTY for this girl! After a quick walk down Bourbon, we settled in for the night.
Friday, we slept in a little then went to Mother's for a late breakfast. I had the special which is two eggs, biscuit, meat (I had debris & gravy) and grits. I only ate half the biscuit and barely any of the meat. The eggs, grits & gravy were AWESOME! I didn't think I even liked grits. Ha! After we took the ferry over to Algiers. We had some coffee at a cute little coffee house then visited a glass blowing place. That was REALLY neat and I picked up a super cute hand blown perfume bottle.
After we headed back to the French Quarter and went to Yo Mama's. This, my fellow Bandsters, is where you put your hands over your eyes and shriek! My friend & I shared a Peanut Butter and Bacon Burger. I will let that sink in... Now, I will say that I was only able to eat half and I was quite satisfied. So, if I were in my maintenance stage, I'm actually in a very good place. But I still have 50 or so pounds to lose! And I know that I would not be able to keep my hunger in check at this restriction (well, at least not enough to continue to lose weight.) So, duly noted.
I will say though that was the MOST DELICIOUS burger I have ever had. My friend agreed. Anyway, after lunch we went to the casino where we both lost $40 in less than an hour. Nice. By then it was time to make our way back to the hotel to get ready for the evening.
We met my friend's brother and sister-in-law for dinner on Frenchman Street. It was delcious! I had grillades and grits...grits twice in one day! Crazy. Then we went to a couple of different bars to listen to some live music.
Saturday, we grabbed some coffee and headed to the Mardi Gras World museum. It is at the company which makes all the floats and it was a really neat thing to see! After, we had lunch at an authentic Po Boy place. It didn't even have a sign, but the line was out the door! I had half of a catfish Po Boy and again...this is the first time since my surgery in January that I have had real bread.
After lunch, we walked around Magazine Street for a few hours then headed back to the hotel to freshen up. We had dinner at the Gumbo Shop and it was one of the best meals I've had in a long time. I would STRONGLY recommend the place! After dinner we took a Haunted History tour which was a lot of fun. After that, we walked around Bourbon for a while taking in the "sights".
Sunday we got up and went with brother & SIL to tailgate for the Saints game. I will say that New Orleans has some of the most dedicated fans I have ever seen. The place is COVERED with Saints colors and signs and you can't get a block without hearing "Who Dat?" or "Geax Saints!" As a Colts fan, I can appreciate it, but I had enough!! :thumbup: The pregame was fun though! We watched the game from the airport bar. Darryl Johnston was at our gate when we left! But I don't think he was able to make it on the plane.
It was very nice to be home! Since my doctor wouldn't allow a fill for another week, I can't regret not getting one before I went. And quite honestly, I think the vacation was worth the small amount I was up this morning. I have no doubt it will be gone soon enough. It did make me realize that I still need a lot of help to get to my goal! But it also made me realize that I have a life to live in the meantime and I HAD FUN!
I have another vacation to Indianapolis this coming weekend. In the past, I would have used this as an excuse to continue my vacation through the week and get back on it when I return. But I'm a different person now! It is back to the routine for 4.5 days. 4.5 days of focus and work, then I can enjoy another vacation with NO GUILT!!
I hope you all had wonderful weekends as well!!
I have been talking this week about my 8 week, 3 point plan (which I have nicknamed JUMPSTART) to get myself moving in the right direction. The right direction being DOWN the scale!
1. Logging food. I started using Sparkpeople.com from a referral because they have a Blackberry app. It is easy to use and it seems to have a large database of food which makes things easier. I have been logging everything I eat since Saturday.
2. Exercise twice a week during lunch. I already do Jazzercise 2-4 times a week, but I wanted to add something a little different that wouldn't make my feet or knees hurt worse. We have a gym in my building at work and a couple of coworkers have committed to going with me 2 times each week for 8 weeks. I went yesterday and today and I have to admit that it gives me a lot of energy for the afternoon.
3. Get a personal trainer. I want to increase muscle strength and flexibility in order to maximize the time I do spend on cardio. I signed up with 24 Hour Fitness last night and meet with my new trainer Bruce tonight. I throrougly explained my position and my goals and we seemed to get along very well. I ordered 23 sessions with is 7 more than my plan (2x per week for 8 weeks = 16), but I got three of those free and I thought I could go once a week for several weeks after my Jumpstart program.
I plan to go to Jazzercise tomorrow evening and my 2nd training session is Friday. With my Saturday morning Jazzercise class, that will make 6 hours of dedicated exercise this week.
I'm about 1/2 done with Week #1! I can do it!!
Hi everyone! It is a busy day getting back into the swing of things. I will have to post about my trip tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'm very proud to say that I lost a pound on this vacation that I found on the last vacation!! :cursing: So, only a pound to go until I'm back to my lowest again.
Also, I got a fill yesterday so that should help me control some of my hunger. I was holding my own, but it was tough.
It is time for progress pictures! I have attached my "Casual" pics from the beginning, last month and this month. I also attached "Head" pics from the beginning and this month.
I will post the super fun "Spandex" pics tomorrow.
I missed you and look forward to getting back into my routine!! :thumbup:
Last night on my way home from Jazzercise, I decided that since I worked out twice (ran at lunch and did high impact Jazzercise at night) that I would stop and get myself something fun to eat. I told my mom that I was getting Chinese food and she said that I was going to weigh more the next day. I told her that I wasn't planning to eat A LOT, I just wanted something different. She told me that she thought that Chinese food made you weigh more the next day. Whatever. I ordered the Mandarin Chicken which is not fried, but I did have the sauce. I just ate the chicken, no side. I also drank about 2 glasses of Diet Cran Grape juice. This morning I am up 1.4 pounds!! Crazy. Considering I had over 1000 calorie deficit yesterday, I know it isn't real, so I'm ignoring it. But geeze!!
I was really proud of myself yesterday during my run. I ran almost the entire two miles at some sort of incline. I also got the incline up to a 4 in some places where as last week the inclines were lower and shorter duration. I "sprinted" the last few tenths of the 2nd mile. I discovered that when I really push myself faster, I lengthen my stride. So I think if I can work on that and get myself to naturally lengthen my stride while running, I can improve my speed with less effort than it would take to actually increase my pace. We will see how that works. I have 5 weeks to improve before my next 5K.
Today's new items: I'm wearing my new Victoria's Secret bra. It sure is comfortable! I'm wearing a tan, black & white animal print tank under a brown short-sleeved sweater that cinches with a button at the waist. I paired with my new Levis (size 16!!) and my new brown low-heeled brown loafers. I'm feeling sassy today!! New clothes from head to toe. :thumbup: I will try to post some pics of all the fun new shoes this weekend.
Today is a no exercise day. We are meeting some friends for lunch and tonight is the So You Think You Can Dance tour!! We will be there along with an audience full of 12 year old girls screaming our heads off!! Woooooooooooo!
Have a happy Wednesday!
The crazy bloating I had on Monday that gave me a 1/2 pound gain for the week is gone, so YAY! I have two more weeks before my next fill, and I would really like to lose 5 pounds by then. That should be doable.
I've been in a scheduling frenzy lately. I have two musicals, Nascar race weekend at TMS, a friend's wedding in South Texas, a support group meeting, a few dinners with friends, & my fill all scheduled in the next three weeks. May has two more musicals, a trip to Six Flags, a support group meeting, more dinners with friends, & a trip to Florida to see my parents. I love doing stuff!!
I used to hate staying in at lunch, but now I'm learning to enjoy the post-workout feeling. I have a two workout day today, so wish me luck on accomplishing that! My trainer kicked my butt yesterday, but I know that I can still get the 2nd workout in today if I really push myself. Then tomorrow is my full day off from exercise! Plus, my office closes early tomorrow. What a way to start the weekend!
I felt so down on Monday, so I'm glad to be back in fighting form! I hope all my fellow bandsters are having a great week!
I had a hard time getting to sleep last night since I was anxious about the run. When I did get up, I felt ready to go. Liz picked me up at 7:15am and we were off. It was a chilly morning, so I wore long pants and a sweatshirt over my Tshirt along with some gloves. When we got there, I didn't want to carry my sweatshirt around, so I shed it and just wore my Tshirt but I kept the gloves. Brrrr...
We got there about a half hour early so we tried to keep moving to keep warm. Finally it was time for the race to start. We lined up at the back and followed the herd. There was a lengthy and kind of steep hill to start. At about the half mile mark, I was wondering why in the heck I was doing this!! I muscled through it and around the mile mark, I was able to settle in a bit. The start of the 2nd mile was a shorter steep hill which I was able to take easily. Liz kept up conversation for both of us which helped keep me distracted. About halfway through the race, I ditched my Target $1 gloves.
Once we hit the two mile marker, I knew I was doing well. The third mile had one more medium hill and then it was time for the end which was down the hill that started the race. The last couple tenths I kicked to the absolute delight of Liz, ha! Liz timed us finishing at 45:14 and the official results showed 45:12. Since my last one was 48:03, I am very excited! My ultimately goal was 45:00, so I was REALLY close!!
After some coffee, we made our way home. I'm so happy and proud of what I am accomplishing. My next run is on 12/04, so just over a month.
Halloween is an evil holiday. People keep giving me candy and I just keep eating it. At least I'm logging it...
Have a wonderful weekend!!
Today is a new day, huh? I think I have finally gotten over my "I feel fat" phase. I feel very sure that another one will come eventually, but no worries now.
I had Group last night. I LOVE getting together with such a wonderful group of people. There are veterans, people at my level, and newbies. We share, share, share and it is FANTASTIC! I hope you all can find a support group near you. They honestly do have a tremendous effect!
I don't have much time today, so I will just update my spandex pics. So lovely. Ha! But I can tell the difference. I have attached one month ago and today. Plus I couldn't resist attaching one from the very beginning.
Have a super day!!
It is hard to believe that another month has gone by. It is interesting because I struggled a bit this month and felt like I was at a plateau. However, I lost 7.4 lbs this month which is around (albeit the low side) of what I tend to lose monthly. So, no plateau. I was very happy that I hit the 50 pound mark this month!
I read a book last week called Thin is the New Happy. Although the author didn't have the exact same issues I do, reading about how someone overcame similar struggles is interesting to me. So I bought a few more books in the same genre. Now I'm reading The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. I haven't gotten that far, but so far, it is great!
She isn't a LAP-BAND® patient. She is dieting...but some of the thoughts are the same. Plus, haven't we ALL been through times like this???
Quote #1: "...I worried that it just wouldn't work. I've been fat for so many years-what if my body isn't capable of shrinking? What if the blubber plain refuses to budge? What if my fat cells have mutated into a strain of super evil fat cells that laugh in the face of celery sticks and lean protein? What will I do then? Hack at my belly rolls with a chain saw?"
Quote #2: "I'm getting obsessed with points. It's not enough just to count my own, now I'm snooping at my colleagues' lunches and mentally calculating the damage. At the supermarket yesterday i was peeking in people's shopping trolleys and crunching their numbers."
Oh Lordy, I was SO that way. In fact, I still have thoughts about the first quote. I've only been below 200 lbs once in my adult life. Can I even weigh 185? Or 165 like my nutritionist thinks? Or , 145 like my surgeon predicts?? I can't imagine that, so it is hard to have the faith that it can happen.
One thing I do know is that I am starting to have a more normal (or healthy anyway) relationship with food. I went out to dinner with some friends and I had the Lobster Ravioli, in fact I split it with one of my friends. I would have NEVER ordered that because it is so rich and high in calories. All my life, I have either been on a diet or totally not dieting. But when I was off the wagon, I tended to hide my hoarding. If no one saw it, it didn't really happen, right? But now, when I'm out for something special, I order what I want. I just don't eat much. At my dinner, I had 2 1/2 raviolis and 1/2 bowl of soup. It was absolutely DELICIOUS! But the best part was that it was SATISFYING!!
Not sure if I will get another post done before I leave on vacation tomorrow. So, I hope you all have a WONDERFUL holiday!!
It is roughly 3 months post op. I had my surgery on 1/27, so I track my weight and measurements at the end of each month.
My ladybug is certainly on the move! I officially lost 8.8 pounds last month.
I certainly look forward to measuring this weekend. I hope that the exercising is paying off!!
Hope you all have a great weekend!
My cousin is coming for a visit today and is staying through Saturday. Joni and I grew up together. My dad has two brothers and a sister. He was closest with his sister, Joan, who was Joni's mother. Plus, Joni & I were close in age (just over a month a part.) So, we were constantly thrown together on family trips and reunions. Sometimes when my parents had lengthly plans, I would go stay with my aunt's family. My aunt was a VERY large woman. Close to 6' and very stocky. She was a nice woman, but not really the huggy/lovely type.
Joan was the apple of my grandparents' eyes and by extension, so were her children. Joni and her brother Max, were treated just a little better and recieved more attention than the rest of us. There was a lot of resentment in my family over this. It was so interesting to learn years later that there was an hierarchy of sorts. Other cousins thought that my brother Scott & I received preferential treatment as well. And then apparently, next on the ladder were my Uncle Mick's kids and then finally my Uncle Richard's kids. At least that is how some people felt. Who knows, it could very well be true. In the end, no one was happy.
My Aunt Joan died when Joni & I were seniors in high school. In my mind, Joni had always been spoiled and I didn't like her because I felt like she was a liar, cheat and thief. HAHA! We were babies, but that is how I felt. But when she lost her mom, I reached out. I don't remember it exactly, but I do remember that I felt rebuffed and she seemed to push the entire family away. Again, all of this is one-sided perspective and coming from a teenager who was probably pretty spoiled herself. :-)
After that, I think Joni & I saw each other only a couple of times. We were cordial, but there was tension.
Some of you may remember that my grandmother passed away in May. It was sad because she had pushed everyone away to the point that she was mostly alone when she died. I loved my grandmother, but I didn't like her much. I did learn how I didn't want to treat my family, so I guess there is that.
Anyway, Joni (along with all the cousins) came to the funeral. It was like she was a completely different person. She had brought old pictures of the family, even as far back as our parents' childhood. She was absolutely delightful! At that point, I realized that bygones were bygones. I was probably a twerp when I was growing up too. Family is family and there shouldn't be room for silly ancient grudges. Instantly, I tossed it all away.
Last week she contacted me and said that she is working in Houston for a few months and wanted to come for a visit. Just a year ago, I would have scoffed at anyone that would have said I would be looking forward to a visit from her. But I totally am!
This journey of mine has truly changed me as a person. I want to be happy and it is very hard to be happy when you hold onto pain, judgement and anger. As far as I'm concerned, a new path for our friendship begins. And I couldn't be happier!!
Have a great day everyone!!
Beth
Between the pictures yesterday, the compliment from a stranger and Support Group last night...I was almost giddy yesterday!! :thumbup: I think I forgot to say in my blog yesterday that I had platform shoes on in the new picture. I received a comment that I looked taller, but in all fairness I WAS taller!! But I still felt awesome!
I think I have talked about this a bit before, but over the last few days I have really seen myself in a different light. Almost all of my adult life, I have been a size 18W. I remember discovering "women's" sizes my senior year in college. There have been a few (maybe 3?) short spans where I have worn smaller/bigger sizes, but the majority of the time, it was 18W. I think that in my mind 18W is my size. Period. When I was brushing up against 300 lbs. and squeezing myself into 22/24s, I would still pick up items in the 18W range and think they would fit. I would be so surprised when they didn't.
Now, my 18W sizes are too big. But it seems to surprise me when I fit into something smaller. For example, I bought a Junior size XXL Halloween shirt from Target. You know those ones they have every year? I have never been able to fit in them so I had to buy the womens ones that were so ill fitting on me. Since my next 5K (!) is on October 30th, I thought it could be an "incentive" shirt. I would strive to wear it by that time. When I got home, the darn thing fit. What?? Don't get me wrong, it was awesome! But I obviously never thought I would fit my body into that.
Then, last night at group, my friend Debi gave me some regular size 16 khaki pants. First of all, they were size 16, not 16W. Second, they are light khaki and that shows EVERYTHING! I'm much more comfortable in black pants. Anyway, I told her I would take them for incentive. Again, I went home, tried them on and they fit great! I wasn't even concerned with the light color.
So, is it official? Am I now in the range of "normal" size? Can I actually go to "normal" stores when I go shopping? My mom is coming this weekend to help me bargain shop for fall clothes. Can we skip Lane Bryant and Avenue? There have only been two times in my adult life that I have been able to do that. In 1999, I'm not sure what initiated it, but I got down to 197# and fit into a regular size 14. That lasted about 6 months. In 2006, I had just started on my CPAP machine and was sleeping great and Jazzercising and I got down to 203# and got into regular size 16s. That lasted about 9 months.
Although I KNOW I look smaller, it is hard for me to imagine that my butt will fit into something smaller. I'm quickly approaching those 203# & 197# numbers that are my all time adult lows. What then? I can barely register myself now. I can't even imagine what 185# or 175# might be. I almost hate to dream about it lest I jinx it!! I have difficulty thinking about years to come and daring to hope that (with continued dedication on my part) I will never have to wear an 18W again. I will revisit this issue again at a later date.
Now...pictures. Yesterday I had my casuals. Today it is the stripped down spandex version. I really do feel like I'm tightening up nicely. I think the running is helping my legs a lot! Plus the use of hand weights at Jazzercise (and the fact that I'm up to 10# weights) is really helping the arms. I have included Front-beginning and today and Side-beginning, last month, and today.
Hugs to you all!!!
Weightloss has been a lifelong struggle for me as it has most likely been for most of you. In order to lose weight, I had to sacrifice and deprive myself of so much in order to be successful at it.
It has been a challenge this year to completely change my perspective. Although weightloss is my primary goal, I want to enjoy my life as I live it. However, this week, my body seems to be rewarding itself for bad behavior.
I had a fill last week and after a 1/2 pound gain the week before, I lost that plus and additional 4 pounds! I felt strongly that a lot of that was water weight and dehydration that would be put back on. But I got to this week and I'm still losing.
Monday, I didn't work out at all. I had a work lunch and a work dinner, both at delicious restaurants with richly prepared food. On Tuesday, I ran a couple miles at lunch, but I had a decadent dinner. Both nights I also had a drink before dinner and coffee with cream after dinner. Yesterday, I had TWO Otis Spunkmyer (aka HIGH CALORIE) cookies at lunch and finished off the leftovers from Monday night. I did work out, but I finished the night with BOTH ice cream AND two pieces of dark chocolate. All of that and I'm still down over a half pound since Sunday.
Today we are having our Thanksgiving pitch in at work. There will be casseroles and carbs galore! I plan to enjoy it. :smile: I know I tend to be conservative when I log calories. I will put down the calories for the entire serving even if I didn't eat all of it. Or I will put down calories for 1/2 if I eat more like 1/3. I figure there are always hidden calories I miss, so I want to be conservative. However, I wonder if I am being more conservative than I realize. Am I getting so used to eating smaller portions that I don't need to "pad" the numbers so much?
I know that my mom is constantly making comments about me "eating all that food". I think I talk about what I eat as if I ate it all and maybe I even have that in my head, but in reality I didn't. I told her this morning that I had a bagel for breakfast yesterday, but I actually had half a bagel and I don't think I even ate the last 2-3 bites. There is a big difference there.
I guess it comes down to my concern that suddenly I will wake up tomorrow up 4.5 pounds higher which would make me sad. My scale is telling me to keep doing what I'm doing, but my head is yelling at me that I'm not sacrificing enough to be this successful and it will all come crashing down.
I will enjoy our pitch in lunch today, but then I will also work myself out like crazy at Jazzercise. Maybe that isn't bad/nuts/indulgent...maybe it is just normal. I guess only time will tell!!
Beth
This might not be a very fun blog entry to read, but I felt it was one I needed to write so I could see it for myself. I keep saying that I want to be healthy, so what does that mean to me? Once I wrote it, I looked at it before I posted it. Wow. I need this surgery. I need help so I can get and stay healthy. Thank you all for existing so I have somewhere to do this.
SLEEP. About 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Once I got used to my CPAP machine, I had the best nights of sleeping that I had in my life! Then I gained 40 lbs. It certainly didn't happen all at once, but it's like I noticed it all at once. I can feel that my machine is not effective any longer. I am exhausted all the time. I yawn constantly. I remember being like this before I got my machine. While I could go make appointments and get another sleep study and get it all changed (about 60-90 days), my hope is that in the next 3-4 months, I will lose the 25 or so lbs that will make the machine effective again. My ultimate goal would be to get off the machine altogether!!
Acid Reflux. I take two Nexium a day. I have terrible reflux that my doctor has indicate would lessen considerably with weight loss. All the research I have seen indicates that people who suffer from acid reflux benefit greatly from the effects of the LB. I would love to be able to take only one a day with no flare ups. It would be super great if I didn't have to take it at all!
Blood pressure & cholesterol. My blood pressure is mostly fine, but I had a period earlier this year when it was high. I took medication for one month and it seemed to lower and I was able to go off. My cholesterol is hovering near the elevated area. My goal is to NOT have to get on medication for these things!
Skin. I've noticed that as the heavier I get the more issues I have with my skin. I know part of that is nutritional and that will help alone. Part of it is that I am less flexible and it is harder to clean and moisturize in every area. Gross and sad, but true. By being able to reach everything, and areas not being "lost" under flab rolls of skin, I think my overall skin will be much better!
Feet. My feet hurt constantly. I honestly believe that I'm just trying to carry to much weight. I used to be able to exercise and then ice them, but I can't even do that anymore. I'm actually wearing flector patches during the day just so I can do normal walking. I should be at least able to do normal walking and low impact aerobics without ridiculous pain. I'm hoping for high impact aerobics, but I will settle for low if that is all I can get!
Knees. In the last year, I noticed that as I exercised, my knees started to really hurt. No question in my mind that if I were carrying less weight, this would not be a problem at this point.
Energy. I think this goes along with sleep, but since I'm not able to exercise, I just have no energy whatsoever. I'm sleeping 9-10 hours per night and it just doesn't feel like enough. I remember when I was exercising 7 hours per week. I was bouncing off the wall with energy!
Anxiety. Yes, it would nice to be thin for looks. But mostly, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. i didn't have any physical reactions to anxiety, but then I was like a volcano. I have it under control, but it would be nice to not have it at all. I feel that with weightloss, I will feel more comfortable and in control. With that, I feel that my anxiety will lessen.
Comfort. Speaking of comfort, it would just be nice to be able to sit down in a chair and not be concerned if it is sturday enough. It would be nice to sit in a plane without being concerned that the person next to me is hating life because they are stuck next to a fat person. It would be nice for my nephews and neice to not innocently say things about how big/squishy/fat etc. their aunt is.
I said to someone the other day, "The more you love yourself, the easier you are to love by those who love you." I believe that and I want to make it easier for my family and friends to love me. I want to LOVE myself. ALL of myself!!
I am ready for my new life.
That pound I lost during vacation seemed to find me this morning. But I don't care, because I feel GREAT!!
I'm not too concerned because I ate fine yesterday and I ran at lunch. I'm sure it is just a body fluctuation that happens from time to time.
Yesterday, I went SHOPPING. I was SUPPOSED to be getting a pair of jeans since I'm down to only one pair that fits well and a pair of dress pants. ALL of my dress pants are too big. My company switched to jeans when we downsized, but we have to dress business casual when investors come calling. We have one coming in today and I wasn't sure what I was going to wear.
I started at Lane Bryant. My plan was to get a size 1 Blue pair of Right Size jeans. Imagine my surprise when the sales girl told me they have switched sizing yet again. Sigh. So I grabbed pairs of 14s & 16s and headed for the dressing room. I tried the 14s first and they were too tight. Not just jeans tight, but ill-fitting tight. In retrospect, I think they might have been petites. I tried on the 16s and they were loosey goosey. Ugh.
So, I moved on to Ross. I was picking up all sorts of dresses (not on the list) and a couple of shirts (not on the list) and a pair of jeans (yay!). I LOVED the dresses. I tried on 6 and ended up buying 4 (!) of them. I also bought the size 16W (woohoo) jeans. On impulse, I bought a shirt. It is sleeveless though so I fear it is one I will never wear.
Next I went to TJ Maxx. As soon as I walked in I realized that I had never been there before. Who knew? Anyway, their selection of Womens sizes left a bit to be desired, so I quickly moved on.
Dress Barn was on the way back to my car, so I stopped. I picked up a few pairs of jeans to try from the Womens side. I moved to the Misses side and on a mannequin was a dress I had tried on while shopping in Florida with my mom a couple of months ago. At that time, I tried on the XL and although it "fit" my body, the words "stuffed" and "sausage" came to mind. I picked that up to try on as well.
ALL of the jeans I selected were too big. WHAT?? YAY!! I went out and got a 14W and they looked great! I tried on the dress and although it is still too tight to wear, it actually fit! It was 50% off so I bought it as my inspiration. I will wear that dress when I go visit my brother's family in Louisville Labor Day weekend!!! I ended up with the jeans, the dress, a short sleeve jacket type cover-up thing, & two pairs of capri leggings. I'm on a big kick of wearing dresses (a little shorter than I might normally wear) with leggings.
The jacket I'm wearing in one picture is my "skinny" jacket I bought several years ago. It doesn't quite look super buttoned up yet, but it looks good over the dress.
I'm feeling like one hot mama today! Ha! I still have a LONG way to go, but it is so nice to feel good along the way.
I'm looking foward to my Volleyball road trip this weekend. Maybe I will find a cute Wichatan. :smile2: Have a great weekend everyone!!
I don't usually post on the weekends, but I had to today. My scale read 234.2! That means I am down 50.8 pounds. YAY!!!
I am so very excited. 50 pounds in 150 days!! I realize that I have a way to go, but this is such a big goal. I just have to stop and take a moment.
Have a great weekend!
...and only 7 Days until my pre-op appointment. Wow. I'm ready though!
I decided that I wouldn't police myself over Christmas. I figured that if I gained 5 or 6 pounds, so be it. How many of you just laughed to yourself about my naivete? Yes, I actually gained 9.5 pounds. Add that to the 3 pounds I gained at Thanksgiving and I am almost 13 pounds heavier from the holidays. Ugh. Can't blame a soul but myself.
I did work out last night for the first time in forever. My feet are killing me these days (from the extra weight) so I can't Jazzercise, but I worked out for 40 minutes on my Wii Fit. It isn't a super duper workout, but I sweat and got my heart rate up. It is a start and I will make a goal to do at least 30 minutes each day this week.
One of the company partners brought in a Bacon Explosion today. What is that you ask? See for yourself: Bacon Explosion: The BBQ Sausage Recipe of all Recipes Yikes! I had one bite. Probably my entire fat count for the whole day. Ha!
Another random thought: I want to take my official "before" picture this weekend before I start my pre-op diet. I live alone and it is not super fun to imagine asking a friend to do it. (I want it to be in workout pants and top. Those seem to show the differences best to me.) So, I was thinking that I would take my outfit and camera to my support group meeting on Monday. I bet one of them would take it for me. I love having that group along with this site. It has really allowed me to talk about it a lot without driving my friends crazy. Plus, my mom talks to me about it all the time so that helps too.
I just need to get through this week then time is going to fly by! Happy week, y'all!
It has been 10 days since my surgery and I'm really starting to get back in the swing of things. If you read my earlier blog, you know that I was having esophageal spasms that hurt tremendously. Well, as the swelling has gone down, the spasms have almost fully gone away. Yay! I hope that means that I won't have problems with fills, but I will definitely keep track of it.
As of today, I am down 21.1 lbs. I include my pre-op diet pounds in my total because it is all part of the process. I am a little worried that I will gain some now that I am eating solid food, but alas, that is part of the process as well.
I had TWO non-scale victories today. I am a HUGE Colts fan and my best friend is a HUGE Saints fan. She mentioned a couple weeks ago that she was planning to wear her cute little women's cut Saints jersey to work today. Well, my XXL men's Colts jersey hasn't fit for months. I tried it on last night and it doesn't look half bad! YAY! So, I can represent! That is NSV #1.
NSV #2 - I haven't worn my rings in several months. I kept telling myself it was because I was "swollen". Heh. Anyway, they are a little snug, but I'm wearing my rings (that I wore everyday for about 10 years) again today.
It is only the beginning and good things are just flying at me!!
Hope you all are having a bandtastic week!
I am now two months post op. This month I lost 7.4 lbs, for a grand total of 29.4.
This month I reached one of my early goals of losing 10% of my body weight. YAY!!
Later this week, I will retake measurements, so that should be interesting!
I lost around 10 pounds on my preop diet. My goal has been to average 10 pounds lost per month. Jan-10 pounds preop, Feb-12 lbs., March-7.4 lbs. Not too bad!!
I will have new pictures in a couple of weeks so that will be great to see as well.
Have a great Easter!!
Tomorrow will be 13 weeks post surgery. Wow...time certainly does fly. Yet, in some ways it feels that it was much longer ago. 15 weeks ago I started my pre op diet. For 15 weeks I have been making more healthy choices than unhealthy choices. I honestly can't remember a time when I was that dedicated to anything non-work related for that long.
Today the anticipation of weighing actually got me out of bed. It is kind of funny, but true. I lost 3.2 lbs. last week which is good, but being that it was a fill week, it wasn't outstanding. Plus, Saturday morning I was down a pound from that and subsequently gained it back over the weekend. Yesterday, I did eat 1800 calories which is high for me. My metobolic test showed that I should be able to eat 2200 calories per day with no exercise and maintain. So, although I ate 1800 calories, I worked out for 65 minutes (25 elliptical & 40 Jazzercise). SO...I just knew that pound was going to be gone. I kind of hoped that there would be more, but I'm not greedy, that one pound would be sufficient.
You all know what is coming here...a great big fat ZERO. That's right, nothing. Nada. Zip. ::deep breath:: My body does this and I know better. But darn it if it doesn't get me riled up. I know it's okay though. I know that I need to continue to follow the rules and it will work out.
All of this got me thinking...15 weeks. I've been doing this for 15 weeks. Yes, I have frustrating mornings like I had this morning, but I also know that it will work itself out. I am working hard by working out. I am working hard (for me) by not eating heavy foods and sweets ALL THE TIME. But I'm not working so hard that I can't continue. That's why I have been able to do this for 15 weeks.
Another reason I have been able to do this is that I can't not. There have been a few days in there where I just wanted a big fat cheeseburger...but I can't eat a big fat cheeseburger. It is just not possible. Flat out...my tastes are changing. I have found that I don't even like French fries anymore because I have to chew them so much they don't taste good anymore.
It's been 15 weeks and I'm doing well. The band isn't making me exercise, but I am. The band isn't making me order the grilled chicken instead of the fried, but I am (most of the time.) And most importantly, the band doesn't comfort me in the way that food used to, but I'm not letting it get me down.
This is MY journey. MY life. MY band. I can't live exactly as anyone else and they can't live exactly like me. I'm owning this 15 weeks of positive life change. It is MINE!
