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Why didn't I realize?

I was sharing old photos with my boyfriend today...We sat down to look at pictures from when I lived in Germany from about seven years ago. I was about 15/16 at that time. When I sat with him to share the photos I simply thought that I was sharing with him the sights that I saw while I was in Germany, I got more than that....I saw how I looked back then and it hurt...it hurt because I thought that I was so FAT :mad: back then. I was so hard on myself, and thought that I was so f***n ugly and fat...at about 150 pounds...I also suffered from bulemia. I would be so exstatic to be that weight again...now at 270m lbs. I really wish that I had realized...
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What does my doctor think?

Yesterday I called my general doctor of whom I have been seeing for about 10 years now. She was kind enough to speak with me over the phone about me considering the lapband. Unfortunately, she has not had ONE patient that has had the procedure. The receptionist that I left the message with had never even heard of it before! Must be nice not to have to worry about WLS and be oblivious to what it is...:mad:   My doctor understood my feelings about being overweight at my age and getting ready to have babies in a few years and wanting to be at a healthy weight. However, I found it very interesting what she said to me..."I would hate to see someone so young go through something so drastic." Aren't doctors usually all about you losing weight and being at that right height/weight that their little charts show?   She actually wants me to see an endocronologist before further considering the lapband. My sister just won a battle with thyroid cancer :clap2: and she is only 29! The doctor wants to make sure that everything there is ok and that nothing with my glands is causing this weight problem...i kind of doubt that, but we will see...:straight
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Wedding Bells

I recently realized that I never made a post on my journal here that I am getting married! Back in the beginning of December by boyfriend of nearly two years proposed to me at a Christmas, German Market in downtown Chicago! We currently live together and are so happy, and we are definitely "the ones" for eachother. Also, Joe has been sooo supportive during my band journey with me. I love him so much! Now I just need to get this weight moving more. I am excited about looking for wedding dresses (which I havent done yet), but I am a little unsure how to handle it b/c of the weightloss process I am in! We are getting married on December 14, 2007! wish me luck!!!
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Today is the Day

Right now it is 4:30 am and I am just starting to get sleepy after being up for awhile. I woke a bit before three and had trouble relaxing and sleeping. I need to be at the hopsital at 6am and my surgery is scheduled for 7:30am. I really want to just get in, get through it, so I can start healing and getting on to a new life. All of this anticpation for the surgery has been so difficult. I have been working so hard for this and I am determined to succeed at this, but of coarse I have my doubts, mostly about the surgery, I really have faith in myself that i can use this tool well. At least, I truly, truly hope so.   Well my mouth is extremely dry from the nausea preventing patch I have on, and I am starting to get pretty tired, going to try to catch a bit of sleep before leaving. See you all on the other side...bye bye
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Tipping the Scales

Well ever since my last fill I have lost about 5-7 lbs in just over two weeks. This last fill really has me tight and ready to lose weight! I have had some difficulties with keeping food down and truly watching my bite sizes, but I am really starting to get it down (no pun intended!). I am happy with the weight loss and feel hungry much less which is wonderful! I am really on the road to further weight loss and I am sooo happy about that! I have given up a lot of the foods that I used to love that I just cannot eat anymore, such as pizza, bread sticks, french fries, sandwhiches.....but that is ok, I feel good and I am even starting to look good dare I say!!
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The beginning 7-20-06

I finally admitted to myself that I need to take a drastic measure...dieting, pills, exercising, even...vomiting, restricting eating...does not work for me. :faint: I am not sure how I have managed this...but I have been lying to myself about my health, my weight, my looks. I would think to myself...it isnt that bad...but I knew deep down what was really going on... I need help. I need help to overcome my weight physically and emotionally. I have seen the commercials for lapband, even talked to a few friends about it, and sigh* even have had a coworker suggest it for me... I am teacher and so I have the summer off...the summer off to better myself? exercise? Or sit around and think...mostly negative thoughts and then one day I had a good though, why dont I call up L.A. weightloss? Yeah...that didnt work for me either...I did give it an honest try, but to no avail. :phanvan I am scared. I am scared of my negative thoughts, of failing, of people not being supportive, of surgery, of failing... I need to make a change, I need to be healthy, and happier. And so I began my weightloss journy through surgery a few weeks ago. I signed up to receive a packet of info. about WLS, specifically the lapband, and then entered all of my "patient" info. on their internet database. Some of the questions they wanted answers too...such as why do you eat? have you been in an abusive relationship? what are you worried about? are too difficult to answer in a text box. I strugged through it, even shed a few tears, but I made it. I have now signed up for the mandatory seminar about the lapband that is given by the surgeon, and will begin to make the numerous appointments with the numerous specialists. I hope that me detailing my journey helps those who read it as much as you all here have helped me, without even knowing me...Thank you.
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Second Fill

I am going in for my second fill tomorrow morning! It is definitely time. I still have some restriction, but very very little. I have been recently noticing that as my restriction becomes less and less, I become more careless with what and how much I eat. I really need to kick it up! Of coarse I am happy with the 25 lbs I have lost, but I really have been at a "stand still" for a while. I know that I need to integrate excerise into my life to help lose the weight. I have been waiting for a hand me down treadmill to be fixed, but it is looking like it is going to take a long time for the repair. I was thinking of joining Cardinal Fitness in the mean time that only charges $20 per month and they have monthly memberships. I really need to get a movin! I need some inspiration!!!:confused:
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Post Op Check Up--One Week

Well, I went on Tuesday for my one week check up and everything is look great! The surgeon took all of the bandages off which hurt at first, but truly was a relief! I am really really surprised at how tiny the port incision is. The doc. stitched me up real good I guess! So everything is going well, I am feeling pretty good, I just cant wait to be over with this liquid diet!!! Even though I'll probably start gaining some weight back as soon as I begin eating food again, especially since I am not working out...which I really really need to start doing...:nervous My parents are actually going to give me their treadmill that they do not use anymore and so I will have that to work out on!!! I just need to make the room for it!
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Long nights 8-2-06

Lately, I am having trouble sleeping. I fall asleep easily and then around 1 or 2 am, I am wide awake and usually dont feel that well. I wouldnt call myself a worry wort, instead I think I internalize what I worry about and then it "gets" me in ways like this. :cry   I am worried about going back to teaching in a few weeks. I have been trying my damndest to find a new job, but to no avail so far. I had an interview a few days ago that went really really well, but with no luck...   I am worried about keeping on top of my bills, I am a recent homeowner and am still getting the hang of it all.   I am worried about making this life changing decision to have the band. To be or not to be banded? I have called to make the appt. for the consult with the surgeon three times...and have hung up three times as well...oh dear
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Hyper! And Happiness!

Hello All! I am feeling quite odd right now. For the past few days I have felt in a hazey hazey daze, which makes me feel like I am walking in a fog, and also like my vision is blurry. This is really irritating to me! Luckily it hasnt kept me down in spirits or otherwise! Today my mom and I went Black Friday shopping for a few hours and I was able to hold up for that long, I was happy and proud. I even got to go to Starbucks with her and they made me a special drink (well I suppose not special for me, but to me!) that was low in sugar, cals, carbs and fat. I was so excited to be able to actually "eat" something out, I havent in weeks!!! So even though I am in this hindering fog, I am now hyped up on caffeine (which I normally dont have) it is a very odd combo. I have officially lost 20lbs and I feel very proud of that. I dont think the weightloss is too obvious, but you can tell it a bit in my face and upper stomach. Well, I also measured myself today and I have lost three inches around my waist and 1/2 an inch around my upper arm, yay!!! Its working, I am finally not failing....not that I really can that much, but it is still so amazing to see! I am planning on going back to work on Monday. I have to admit that I am rather nervous about this. I am a teacher so my job is pretty active with bending over, sitting, standing, walking, reaching, even lifting...I hope that all goes well with this and if for some reason I am starting to feel pretty terrible I live an hour away from my work....I am determined to go in on Monday but if it does not go successfully Ill have no regrets about taking off Tuesday just to rest a bit. Well now after X-mas shopping with my mom (it is a tradition for her and I to go shopping on Black Friday and I am SOO happy that I didnt have to miss it this year) I am totally in the holiday mood! My BF and I are going to go look for our first Christmas tree together!!! Take Care!!!
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Healing

Well today is Thanksgving, and it will be a very different thanksgiving for me since I wont be able to eat anything.
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First PB and Potato Chips...

Well...I had my first PB and it was just as awful as everyone has described it to be... :think However, I am glad that I had that knowledge so I was prepared for what it would be like...   It all happened after I came home from work yesterday and I was just starving. My plan was to have a snack of hummus and pita chips, and I am always so careful, but I think that my hunger got the best of me and I must have been eating too fast, and too big of bites.   I felt the food get stuck in my lower esophogus, it felt like my esophogus was "filled" and I knew that the food was going to come up, but it was stuck and that is what was so terrible. My eyes starting tearing, I felt like I could hardly breath (even though I really could out of my nose) and I panicked. I was all alone and I calmed myself down. In just a few minutes the food came up and all was well. So...chew chew chew, slowly slowly slowly....       Along with feeling bad for not being careful enough and having my first PB, I am having an issue with potato chips.... Um...yeah...my boyfriend loves potato chips, Dorritos, Sour Cream and Onion, Cheese and Sour Cream, etc, etc etc....well, and I really like them too and for sooo long they have been in the house and I have not touched them...They have been "calling" me from the kitchen cabinet and I ate and ate and ate....they went down so well and tasted sooo good and I felt sooooo terrible... :cry   I cannot even bring myself to tell my boyfriend about it, not that I need to, but I usually confide in him and I am too ashamed too. I suppose that I can ask Joe to take them out of the house and he would with no problem...but why should that be necessary??? I should just be able to not give in. Well, this has happenend two days in a row now and after it happens I feel so full on the few handfuls of chips that I have that I cannot fit anything else. Therefore, I dont eat the nutritional food that I had planned on eating....it is so embarassing...:paranoid I had this surgery, have gone through so much...and now I am doing this...I really cant believe it...:angry I am so disapointed in myself:(
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First Fill

I am very excited! I am getting my first fill on January 5th, 2007! I am really interested to see how it goes and how it affects my weightloss, so far I have been at a stand still for about three weeks now!
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Feeling Down

I had a snow day today...so I didnt have to go into work and it is Friday, but why I am feeling so so down?   I think that not being able to resort to my old eating habits is really starting to "crack" me. I feel very down and sort of lost... it is actually really pathetic...why has food meant this much to me? WTF!!!   Since my boyfriend and I and all of my good neighbor friends had a snow day we all hung out together...again...something I really like to do and people I love to spend time with...so why am I feeling so down?? Well they were all drinking and eating yummy snacks, which I can not do...sometimes I hate this band that restricts me, I hate the fact that I put my body through this and I cannot do what I want even though it is unhealthy. I get so mad...I feel like no one around me understands, they dont understand the pain...
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After the doctor's visit 8-7-06

My general doctor, PCP, requested to see me since I was considering WLS and asking her to send in medical info. to my insurance company.   I was a little nervous going in today since her nurse did not specifically state why she wanted to see me, but I had some idea.   It is not terribly easy talking with my doc about the WLS since she is a very "traditional, old school" doctor and has very little experience with WLS. Usually, my doc. is rather understanding and supportive, but during our discussion today about WLS she was rather distant. I think it is time to find a new PCP, especially since I moved quite a bit away from the doc. and it would be nice to have a doc. that knows more about WLS, since it is a life long change.   I shared with her info. that I received from the hospital I would be getting my surgery at. All she really had to say was how she was concerned about the risks, and really did not say, but the risks of being obese....She checked my thryoid too since that is a big concern since my sister having thyroid cancer, all seemed to be well there.   I shared with her my dieting history and problems that my fat is causing me, which at this point is mostly emotional, and some joint aches. Truly, I am concerned about the long term risks and effects of my excess weight.   She wants me to get some blood work done before she writes a letter to the insurance company for me. She said that she wants to check my blood sugar and thyroid levels along with my cholesteral. At the end of the appt. she said that she will help me through it.   The doctor also shared with me that perhaps the Paxil that I am on could be causing me to gain weight. We looked through the records have I have gained nearly 40 lbs in a year since I have been taking Paxil, eeeek!   However, i can't go off of Paxil, so I guess we wont really know, unless there is another anxiety medicine I can take. :rolleyes
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A Bit Better

Yesterday was a lot better when I got home. I ate a healthy snack of no added sugar apple sauce, instead of handfuls of potato chips. I felt a lot better about myself. I still had too many pita chips with hummus in my opinion, but I still made an improvement. Everyone has said how this a really difficult stage, when you can start eating, but have very little restriction after the swelling has gone done and before your first fill. Well, it is very difficult...but I know that it is only temporary. Hopefully, I can do even better today! :nervous
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A Baby is on the Way!!!

I have not written in quite some time-I think about two years to be exact-alot has changed in my life is WLS-luckily including my weight-I began my WL journey at around 280 lbs and prior to getting pregnant I was about 180lbs!   I have much in my life to be happy about-especially that I am just about 6 months pregnant (will be officially tomorrow) with my first baby. My husband and I are expecting our baby girl on Thanksgiving-which is interesting b/c about three Thanksgivings ago I just went through lap band surgery.   I am so happy that I am in a loving, supportive marriage-my husband and I both have jobs in this difficult economy-and I am lucky to have a job I enjoy.   Even with a variety of aspects in my life to be happy about I suffer from bouts of severe depression and anxiety which I have been struggling with and I am currently not on any medication-trying to stay that way during the pregnancy, but it is becoming increasingly difficult.
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9-4-06 Analyze me

Hello! I haven't had a chance to update my journal until now because I am back to teaching! I teach 8th grade literature and I love teaching! Well, I have had two more tests since I last wrote. One was really a hoop to jump through, while the other was the "MMPI" psych test. I was required to meet with a pyschologist and have a general psychological exam done which I was very worried about. Honestly, I do not really trust the person "analyzing" me, I feel that they tend to look too much into things, which I found out to be true during the exam. I had to fill out about 5-7 pages of "mental and medical" history which the psychologist began asking me questions about since we have never met. He looked into the fact that I was a good student and overanalyzed that! Well, the session went ok, the psychologist was a very patient, soft-spoken middle aged man who asked me a lot of questions about everything, family life, eating habits, boyfriends, drug use etc etc etc. Unfortunately, my history of depression and anxiety and an abusive boyfriend from the past I think landed me into having to take the MMPI. This test is meant to look for further personality disorders and other mental disorders. I know that I have generalized anxiety disorder already, and I hope that he doesnt find anything else! The test had a true or false format and there were nearly 600 questions!!! The questions ranged from do you love/hate you father to are there voice in your head that control your actions? The test took me about 1 and half hours and some questions were difficult to tackle both on an emotional and mental level. I now need to make an appt. with the psychologist to review the results and then talk about the report he will write up for me to send to my bariatric coordinator. He gave me the option of reviewing the report before he sent it or not. He told me that most bariatric patients pass up reviewing it, i wonder why.... I will let you all know how it goes! Take care. :croc:
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8-9-06 An eventful day

Today I went to the hospital to have blood drawn. My PCP wants to check my thyroid, blood suger and cholesterol levels. Everyone was super nice there and made me feel really comfortable.   As I was walking down the maze of the hospital I happened to get a glimpse of the surgeon who would be doing the surgery. I only saw him for a few seconds but he looked kind and gentle. He had smiling eyes and was casually talking to a co-worker.   Right after I had my blood drawn, I went to get the oil in my car changed. My phone unexpectedly range and it was the surgeon's nurse. She told me that they had a cancellation and I would be able to see the surgeon today for my pre-op consult! eek! I took the opportunity as I will be beginning to teach in a few weeks and will have very limited time for all of these appts.! I was not originally supposed to see him until Aug. 21st!!!   Wish me luck, I will be leaving in just a bit, armed with quite a list of ?s from the board! Thank you!
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8-25-06 Oh Happy Day

I just received an official letter from my insurance company that my surgery will be approved for payment!!!! Now, this is not entirely the last word b/c I do still have one more test to go through--the psych test. However, the letter states that after I have been approved for the surgery by the professionals invovled, they will approve the payment of the surgery! Yay!!! I know that the insurance aspect of banding is usually the toughest, and I feel so fortunate to have been approved. I suppose that all of the stressors of being a teacher pay off in the great insurance that I get. Thank you thank you thank you! :whoo:
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8-23-06 Test Progress

Since I have last updated my journal, I have been diagnosed with a "very small" hiatal hernia, and I have also visited with the bariatric nutrionist. On Monday, I have my psychological evaluation, which I am very very nervous about. :straight   I have educated myself about the hiatal hernia, but still am not totally sure what it is, where it comes from and how it will affect me. I suppose it is difficult for the surgeon to tell until he is actually operating... Unfortunately, the bariatric nurse did not know much about the hernia, which I was rather surprised and discouraged about. I hope that the hernia does not cause any problems with the surgery. The surgeon said that he fixes any hiatal hernias that he finds while in surgery, so I suppose that is two surgeries now...:cry
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8-14-06 Beware of the Motility Test!

Today I went to the hospital to have my two, mandatory, pre-op tests done : the motility test and the esophagram.   I would recommend to anyone to read up on both of these tests if you need to have them done in order to prepare yourself, especially the motility. However, I also want to send encouragment and say that you will survive it, you will get through it. I had these tests done this morning and I am already feeling just fine and it is already becoming just a memory instead of the difficult experience at the time.   Whenver I know something in life is going to be very difficult, I tell myself soon this will be just a memory...   The motility test is done in order to check the strength of your esophagous and make sure that it is properly functioning. Well that is important, especially for this surgery, but in order to do that...they need to stick a thick tube down your nose, past your throat and into your esophagous (i must spell that word different each time!). I was very very freaked out about this...luckily my very supportive boyfriend was with me and everyone at the hospital has been so kind and patient.   My best advice for you while going through this test is to relax. I wouldnt say that it is terribly painful, but just very very uncomfortable. While you have the tube down your nose, you have to swallow small sips of water so they can check the function of the esophagous, which causes quite an uncomfortable feeling with that tube down your nose. The worse part was when they first inserted it and I kept gagging, but soon my body got used to the foreign object and my system called down, now remember, as long as I calmed down.   The test took about 20 mins. and then it was all over. The doctor gave me a numbing nose gel and spray which helped, but I felt a stinging pain in my nose for a few hours afterward, but nothing unbearable.   Whew...I am glad to have that all over with!   I have my nutrionist and psych. appts set up and everything is going smoothly so far! :laser:
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8-10-06 Great experience with surgeon

:dance: Yesterday I had a really great experience at my pre-op consultation with the surgeon, and I was even paid a compliment. I really like how confident and excited the surgeon, Dr. M, is about this procedure and how happy he has been with the results from his patients.   He seemed proud of me for making this decision at a young age, hoping to turn my life around, and making healthier decisions. He was even surprised by how much I weigh and said "you carry your weight really well." I do look overweight, but the numbers are surprising... Even so, it is there, wearing and tearing on my body.   I feel really confident about Dr. M doing the surgery even though he has only performed 35 lapbands, and has only been doing the procedure for 11 months. He explained that at first he was reluctant to get on board for the surgery, but after educating himself more and going to more seminars he felt confident in adding it to the WLS surgeries he performs.   He was really open, honest, patient and let me ask as many questions as I needed to. I was surprised at how easy I found it to talk with him about this very personal decision. I even was bold enough to ask him how my breasts would look after the surgery and were I may need plastic surgery. He even brought a band with him to show it to me and exactly where it would be placed on my body.   I was nervous about meeting the surgeon on my own, but it all went really well, and I feel even more confident about this decision.   On Monday I am scheduled to have the motility test and esophagram at the hospital. Thankfully the surgeon's nurse was able to pull a few strings and get me in, since I will begin teaching on the 23rd, not too much time left! :rolleyes
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7-27-06 Through the food court

Yesterday, I attended the mandatory seminar about WLS at the hospital I will have my surgery at. The seminar was rather uneventful and was two hours long! Thanks to this board and other literature, I already knew most of what was presented! However, the interesting part of the seminar is actually where it was located! Now call this irony, but they had us "heard" through the hospital's cafeteria to the meeting room! What is this a sick joke? ha ha, I doubt it, but I found the placement of the meeting rather humurous.
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7-24-06 The insurance and doctor phone call

I finally got up the courage...and the patience to call my insurance company and see if they cover the lapband surgery. After waiting on hold for about fifteen minutes, surprisingly, a very friendly voice answered...I get very discouraged when I am calling about such personal information and the person on the other line sounds like they cannot be bothered. However, unfortunately, the insurance representative said that my insurance company shows that it neither includes or excludes the procedure. After all that I have read and researched (mostly on this board, thank you!) I am assuming that means that it depends on my medical history, current stats. and weight loss attempts. So that answer is in limbo, which I guess is better than just a "no" it does not. :mad: As soon as I got off the phone with the insurance company, I called up my doctor who I have been seeing for about seven years now. The hang up there is that I recently moved about 1 hour and a half away from her location...I left a message with the receptionist, hoping that the doc. would consider discussing this with me over the phone....Well, we'll see. ...It is therapeutic for me to write about it in this journal and I hope that detailing my journey is helping someone out there
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