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Unwrapping the Mummy

Friday, August 14, 2009   Unwrapping the Mummy     I don't know how many of you are on Facebook, but people write random things that are happening in their lives, or observations about their lives. Very seldom does anyone write anything profound. Many people seldom post but just read everything everyone else writes.   I have some people as friends whom I don't know well at all and a few who I'm not quite sure how I became "friends" with them in the first place. I have a lot of people who play the same games as I do and I keep them in a separate group and seldom look at their posts. But among those whose posts I check there are some who trouble me.   What troubles me is some blatent codependency that almost screams from some of their posts. Pain and anger, ongoing victimization, resentment, and no clue how to deal effectively with the people who anger them.   Like I've stated before, everyone is codependent. If we don't really want to please others or help them, we're most likely sociopaths. But for some people, this desire is over the top. It was for me. As someone from a highly religious family I was groomed to be codependent. It was the woman's role. As someone with ADHD, a disorganized dreamer who couldn't keep a house neat or follow a complex recipe, I frequently failed in the housewife/mother role that I was raised to do, or thought I failed. Especially with a highly critical husband who thought I should be making up for his ADHD.   But man I tried so hard--tried so hard to be organized, to keep a clean house, to cook good meals, to keep everyone on schedule. And so much of it was done to try to please my ex and control his behavior towards me, and eventually his drinking, and to please my children, who, as we all know, will take that kind of ball and run with it.   And I ate. I ate to control the ADHD, yes, but I also ate to comfort myself and compensate myself for trying to be someone I was not. I'm sure that, just as my Facebook acquaintances anger and sense of victimization comes out in their posts, so did mine. There was no Facebook yet, but I know that when I talked to my friends, it came out. Many of them came from similar situations and had similar gripes.   Thank God for Alanon and for counseling where I learned to ignore so much of my husband's criticism, and to go ahead and do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without his approval. That may have partly led to the divorce, since I was no longer wrapped up in trying to please.   And that was a good thing. It was a horrible experience but ultimately good for me. I learned how to give tough love in the years before, during, and after the divorce; and that's partly why I'm so successful as a teacher.   Codependency and food addiction are very much intertwined. When you are a people-pleaser you give away your integrity. You're not held together at the center with a strong sense of who and whose you are; so you give pieces of yourself away to everyone. People-pleasing becomes your identity. What's amazing is that you think you're doing God's will. And you expect the people around you to appreciate you. Instead, you're damaging the people around you and they don't appreciate it at all. And you've lost the person God created you to be.   You insulate your emotions with food because if the anger and hurt and resentment ever came fully to the surface, you feel like you'd fragment into a thousand shards. You wrap the fat around yourself like a giant bandage as well as a cushion to hold yourself together and protect yourself from the assaults of those you love the most.   So, I'm finally ready to unwrap the mummy and remove those bandages. I've done it before, but in the past when I've gotten to the end of the bandages, I would just roll myself right back up in them. Maybe I just felt too raw and naked without their protection.   Since I am not currently medicating myself with food, it does not surprise me that my ADHD is having a heyday. But emotionally and spiritually, I actually feel strong. Exposing myself to a wide audience through this blog, deliberately making myself vulnerable, letting everyone know this is who I am, these are my foibles, these are my assets, this is what I struggle with, has given me armor.   This gives me integrity. This gives me that strong center of knowing who I am and whose I am. And I know that if God be for me, who can stand against me.
 

On-line Community and Friendship

Thursday, July 23, 2009   On-line Community and Friendship     In Bandster talk onederland is when the first number of your weight drops to a one. One hundred and something instead of two hundred or three hundred. You hit onederland when you drop to 199.9 lbs. Bandsters put count-down tickers to record their weightloss on their posts to various threads. You see their starting weight, current weight and goal weight. Those who "band" together during a certain month will pick a name which they proudly display in glitter letters on every post.   They celebrate various goals along their journey--onederland being one of them. They celebrate their "bandiversaries", one year, two year, etc. anniversaries of their band date. Jargon has always been a way to bind groups together.   Currently, many of the June Journeys are experiencing "band hell," that time when fills have not begun or not yet begun to make a difference with food restriction. I know I was very careful the past two days and finally lost almost 2 lbs. But today I'm hungry. Actually feeling stomach growling hunger. I'm trying to stick to protein but after I eat it I'm hungry again quickly. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. My first fill is August 11 so I've got a ways to go. So far I've lost 28 lbs. I'll be halfway when I reach 35 lbs lost and goal weight will be a 70 lb weight loss. My clothes are falling off me. I need to go to the thrift store to find clothes--especially pants--that will see me through only a month or two--before they outgrow me. Pants are, of course, the hardest thing to buy at a thrift store.   Its nice to know I'm not alone on this journey. Its fun to discover and participate in a whole 'nuther world that has its own language and celebrations. My 50's plus group is talking about getting together. Deciding where in the United States to do that could be a real problem because we come from all over.   Some people denigrate the various internet communities like Facebook and, I'm assuming, Lapbandtalk as creating artificial intimacy. To me, it feels more like making acquainatances, checking each other out, finding common interests. and possibly establishing some unexpected friendships. There were times when I was in counseling groups and Alanon groups that I experienced some of the best sharing and friendship I've ever had. When the groups fell apart it left a hole in my life. We laughed and cried together, we went out for coffee together, we gave each other advice, but mostly we just listened.   I'm thinking Lapbandtalk is a gracelet (a little piece of God's grace) that's allowing me to once again conversate and share stories with people with a common interest. Before, it was the common interest of having a relative with an addiction. Now its our own addiction. Before the summer is out I hope to find a non-judgemental, non-rule driven support group that will help me continue this lifestyle change. But in the meantime, these fellow lap band journeyers with their willingness to share their stories have become friends. I don't always know their faces, but I'm beginning to know their stories.   In my life I've changed addresses, churches, husbands, interests, and jobs, and each of these changes has brought about a loss of friends. They get harder and harder to replace. I'm going to take my friendships where I can find them. And that includes the internet.
 

God Grants Grace, not Guilt

Saturday, July 4, 2009   God Grants Grace, not Guilt     I spent a lot of time yesterday and today exploring a lapband website. There's a religious forum with a page for Christians and there's a 12-step forum with a few threads for those attending OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and FAA(Food Addicts Anonymous.) After reading many of the posts I came to a not-so-surprising conclusion. Guilt and shame are a way of life for people suffering from food addiction. People seem to be heaping guilt either on themselves or on others.   Christians accuse themselves of gluttony and beat themselves up over that. Other Christians really do say horrible things to them like, "Why are you getting that surgery, why don't you just pray?" Many Christian weight loss groups can have so many rules to follow that most people are bound to fail heaping guilt upon guilt.   OA and FAA attenders get accused of taking the "easier, softer way" if they get lap band surgery for which they beat themselves up. They also suffer attacks from the food nazis who have taken over OA and FAA and and who are addicted to adding food restriction upon food restriction and enforcing rule upon rule.   Guilt and shame have a horrible history of sabotaging recovery and driving people deeper into the food (or any other addictions).   Whether you believe addictions are sin or not (I believe they are brain-based disorders, not sin, that came into this world as a result of sin and that under their influence people do commit sin), beating yourself up over them is a sure-fire path to relapse.   Serenity is extremely important in recovery and those consumed by guilt and self-blame have no serenity.   We need to break the bondage of guilt. Especially unearned guilt and shame. God gave us the gift of grace, not of guilt. I like to say I gave up guilt for Lent.   As far as the rigid rule makers and enforcers--most of these people have simply replaced one type of food obsession with another and their rigid adherance to a code is all they've got. They transfer their internal shame and need for control onto others. It's just another insidious form of this disease. They don't know grace, and hence can't grant it.   Someday, Grace will come again and banish all guilt. He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Come quickly Lord Jesus.
 

Second Childhood

Wednesday, August 5, 2009   Second Childhood     I want to be like a little kid. When I go babysit my grandkids I'm totally there to play with them. I'm not there to clean the house or do the dishes or cook. Its not that I don't heat up food and serve it and, of course, I change dirty diapers, but mostly I just want to play.   I may read books, sing nursery rhymes, bounce them on my knee while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, walk around the block, tickle, wrestle, dance, or pretend.   Pretending is great fun. My four-year old grandson, David, made up the game "baby bird." I lay on the bed with my knees up and he crawls under my knees and pretends to hatch from an egg. His little brother tries to do the same thing. We do this many times before they get tired of it.   Then David reaches up and pulls the string to turn off the light above the bed and we all pretend its night. They both crawl under the covers next to me and I start to snore. Then David sneaks out from under the covers, turns the light back on, and crows like a rooster to wake me up. I startle awake and he laughs everytime.   Lately, when we go for walks, he wants me to pretend to be "that mean lady." He tells me to be cross. He means Cruella DeVille. Then we go around the block and I order him to steal Dalmatian puppies. He goes and finds a "puppy" and puts it in a "cage" behind the bulldozer he's driving.   When I'm with my three-year old granddaughter, Skyler, the first thing she does is tell me, "You want to make a castle with me. Let's go get the blocks." This is not a request. She also looks for the presents I've given her so we can play with those. One year old Leah wants me to read to her. She likes the wierd voices I use. She loves to point to pictures and show off all the words she knows.   Without grandkids, I wouldn't sit in sandboxes and build sandcastles. I wouldn't wade in little pools. I wouldn't squirt with the hose. I wouldn't chase the kids through splash pads at the park. I wouldn't push them on swings and bounce them on teeter-totters. I wouldn't sit in the bathroom and let them play in the tub as long as they want.   I have patiently put together intricate railroad systems and built log cabins and cool castles only to watch them get destroyed in less than 5 seconds. And then I do it over again.   I'm never in a hurry or rush them through things. I am totally in the moment with them.   You know, I never eat or think about food while I'm actually playing with my grandkids. When they watch TV its a different story, but I have really made it a point now to do things with them and basically they make sure I do. I'm better than TV.   Arthritis limits me to a certain extent as did the weight, but now that I've lost 30 lbs I'm having more fun than ever with my grandkids.   Fun. Play. Dance. Laugh. These are all much better things to do than eat.   Jesus said you have to have the faith of a little child to enter into his Kingdom. He said the Kingdom belonged to the children.   I guess I've entered my second childhood.
 

Discouragement

Monday, August 24, 2009   Discouragement     I'm having a hard time with food tonight. I am absolutely craving chocolate and have eaten two Kashi bars just for the taste of the sprinkling of chocolate chips sprinkled inside them. Before that I had trouble stopping myself from eating chicken. I've been craving chocolate for days. I can't wait for my fill tomorrow. It won't take away the craving but it will help limit the damage. Sometimes I actually overeat good-for-me-stuff in order to avoid pigging out on what I crave.   I've been doing so good. So now I've got to figure out why the cravings are so strong. Well, it seems obvious to me. School starts on Wednesday. I have always used food to help me focus and get on task. I miss my drug. It may be that now that my blood pressure is down and I'm on fewer and fewer meds, I may have to see about going on ADHD meds. They have some new ones out that aren't stimulants.   One of the best adult tests for adult ADHD assesses the following five clusters. These remain in adults as hyperactivity and impulsivity characteristic in childhood ADHD diminish.   •Organizing and activating to work. •Sustaining attention and concentration. •Sustaining energy and effort. •Managing affective interference. •Using working memory and accessing recall.   When I read this yesterday in Psychiatric Times, it was almost more than I could take. I have all five of those symptoms and they are all currently overactive. Chocolate and coffee are particularly effective in self-medicating those symptoms. I drink decaf and I've had very little chocolate since having my lapband surgery. So I'm trying to handle my ADHD without my most effective medicine.   When I was a teenager I lived on chocolate. I never ate breakfast, had a light lunch but ate candy bars whenever available, and ate a hearty supper with chocolate ice cream for dessert. I was very active. When I added coffee in college and as a young mother, chocolate and coffee were my mainstays. I could live my life on chocolate and coffee.   Recently I talked with another bandster who, now that she's lost the weight, lives on chocolate and coffee. She remains very thin. That's an enormous temptation for me. Sometimes I've wondered if I'd mostly eaten that and ate just a little other food, that I might not have gained all the weight. The problem was all the "healthy" food I ate on top of it because I figured I needed the nutrients. And, like today, when I deny myself what I crave, I overeat "healthy" foods.   It's going to be an interesting year. I don't know if there's going to be enough NCLB funding available to keep me and my assistant working. We are paid according to the number of children I see each week. So far, I have no idea how many RCS students are returning. Last year we had 240 total students, this year we are at 140 with school starting in two days. I need my assistant. She does all the paperwork for NCLB, does all the record-keeping and keeps everything organized so I'm free to teach. Last year I cut down to having her two days instead of three, and another assistant two days. This year I won't have the second assistant.   Next year a new vendor will be in charge and is not obligated to hire me. Everytime I walk in my classroom I'm having trouble sitting down and focusing and getting stuff done. I've already talked about how bad my memory's been this summer (and its definitely my working memory, not my longterm that's affected and its affecting my ability to recall information. Well, I can't organize and activate to work, I can't sustain attention and concentration or energy and effort, and I'm not managing affective (emotional) interference.   It will take the pressure of school actually starting to get me to concentrate. That's not unusual for me, to a certain extent it happens every year, but it feels worse this year. So I'm considering medication. Often, for ADHD people, drugs that specifically work on ADHD are necessary to help a person lose weight and maintain weight loss so that they don't use food to self-medicate the ADHD symptoms.   We'll see. I've been on meds before and done very well. But then my blood pressure started going up a little and I panicked. Well, my blood pressure really went up without the ADHD meds as I gained and gained weight. I just hate more Dr.'s visits.   This is my 9th year of teaching at RCS and each year has brought major challenges and I'm constantly adapting to fit the circumstances. The challenge has always helped me to focus. I'm just not sure the challenges I'm facing this year are the kind that will help me focus. I feel like my program is going backwards.   I'm going to see how it goes. I'm scared. All the old feelings of inadequacy about being able to hold down a job are back. So much of my life has been spent hiding my ADHD under a veneer of competency that I couldn't sustain. This job I've done so well because I designed it around my ADHD and haven't tried to disguise it. Now circumstances are changing and its bringing back old fears.   I want to eat.   Lord, I need your help. I'm powerless over food and over my ADHD. I ask you to take over my mind and my stomach. Get me through this time of uncertainty, hold my hand, take care of me. Amen
 

Life is difficult, life is busy, life is good.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009     I am really tied down teaching this year. By which I mean I have to stay in my seat period after period working intensively with some very needy kids who can't be left to work independantly. Many of my groups are smaller, but I only have an assistant two days a week, so I'm having to take the iron bladder option the other three days.   This is where the limits of the NCLB program for my school become more obvious. I am supposed to be a supplemental program for reading and math, remedial not special ed. But many of my kids are probably special ed level though Chicago Public Schools would do their best to make sure they get no services. One child I have is actually from a special ed setting but was getting bullied in his school so the mother sent him to us, knowing we can't provide him with the intensive services he qualifies for, but also knowing that he won't make that much progress anyway. He's functioning at a first grade level though age-wise he's a fifth grader. I see him every chance I can get, but he's usually with a fairly large group of kids which makes the one on one teaching he needs impossible.   I have a number of students who test below the 10th percentile, meaning they need intense remediation and close to one on one teaching. Especially since several are in the first and second grades and are not yet reading, they have to sound out almost every word of every work page out loud to me. Incredibly time consuming. Having two of these children together totally ties me down.   My older groups have students who are also really low. It's hard to get to them and give them the extra time they need. I have one break period everyday except Tuesday but I'm working with kids before school and after school. So its straight sit-down-next-to-the-child teaching from 8 a.m. till 4 p.m.   Since I see these kids year after year I do see progress over time. In fact, the average increase in test scores over the years I see the children is @15%.   A number of the fourth graders I see are making great progress. Several have graduated from the reading program and are coming only for math. They are eager beavers and a pleasure to work with. They have sweet natures and are very loving. They absolutely love me and love to come to my classroom. All the fourth grade girls I see are in after school care and I made my after school class out of this group of girls. I figured they'd be the easiest and most rewarding group I could teach when I'm starting to run out of teaching gas. I was right.   It is dfficult to come home and not eat a lot and get my excercise, too. I'm getting home later, I'm really hungry by then and mentally tired. Writing in this blog is becoming more difficult.   Plus my son and his 3 year old have been coming over almost every night to shower and bathe respectively since their bathroom has been dismantled. I can't ignore my granddaughter. So the blog is taking a back seat for a while. I am still doing well with the food, though I can't exercise as much as during the summer.   I've also got a few conventions to go to and a couple of reunions.   Life is busy. Life is difficult. Life is good.   I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

Wearing my Purple Ribbon

Saturday, July 4, 2009   Wearing my Purple Ribbon     Right now I'm a little concerned about the next few weeks while I wait for my first fill of my new lap band. As I heal from the surgery I can tell that there's less and less restriction from eating larger quantities of food. I'm not hungry yet, and the cravings have not returned in full force--more like twinges. I can generally wait them out. But I'm on a roll. I've lost 20 pounds. I'm already feeling and looking better. I'm in clothes that were too tight last summer. I'm hoping to keep losing while I wait for my first fill. This disease is insidious and just the knowledge that I can eat more makes me want to eat more before the real restriction starts to kick in.   I did have a scare this morning. I woke up quite dizzy-twice. I thought I'd better check my blood pressure--it could be too low or too high. I took the pressure in my right arm-which I never do and which my Dr.s never do. It was quite high. I took it in my left arm and it was a little high. Now I'm going to have to start taking it in both arms. I may have to make sure I take it as soon as I get up in the morning to see if I have a sudden surge regularly whenever I get up. It may mean another trip to the Dr.   I'm hoping that it was an anomaly, perhaps caused by the change in diet and weight and my body's just adjusting. Mostly my blood pressure has been going down.   I also read more on the lap band website and was struck anew by all the guilt people feel who've had lap band sugery. Especially Christians and members of OA and FAA. That is so incredibly sad. There's a lot of debate over whether or not to tell people about it, and who's safe to tell--especially in church and in OA and FAA meetings, which are places we ought to feel safest. I'm glad I made the decision to put it out there for everyone and to make my struggles public.   In an earlier blog I said that we ought to hold marathons and walkathons and start wearing purple ribbons to build awareness of this life-threatening disease and to offer support for those who suffer from it as well as dollars for research to help prevent and control it. It worked for breast cancer. I would bet more people die from this disease. In fact, obesity is a risk factor for breast cancer (and heart disease, strokes, colon cancer, diabetes and more). Breast cancer used to be an unmentionable disease. Now we all proudly wear pink ribbons. Let's get obesity and all food addicitons out of the closet and into the light of day so that no one ever has to feel guilty about seeking a medical solution for this medical condition anymore than they would getting treatment for breast cancer.   Why purple? Because those of us with this disease are all wounded hearts, because that color hasn't been used yet, and because we, too, are God's children. That makes us royalty.
 

Post-goal fears

Friday, September 11, 2009   Post-goal fears     I'm really afraid of reaching goal and starting to gain because Im no longer focused on losing. That's what happened to me every time I lost in the past. Once I really got seriously dieting I'd go into hyperfocus on the goal, something ADHD people are good at doing, but once I reached my goal that focus was gone and so was my control.   That's why I'm planning on really tight restriction and getting as much support as I can. I'm hoping to reach goal by Christmas or my birthday (DEC.30) which is all my weight loss in 7 months time, not long enough to have really adopted and adapted to permanant lifestyle change.   My fear is very real and has a basis in reality. The tales of those with WLS (weight loss surgery)who've lost and regained are legend. So I musn't minimize the danger to myself. Perhaps I'll regularly pretend I just got a fill everytime I do gain some weight and do liquids for two days. That seems to get me back on track and will probably result in the scale going down. I usually drop 2 lbs. Then I work to maintain.   I went to Navy Pier with my daughter and two grandsons after school. Took the boys on a boat ride down the Chicago River. Great fun. Tomorrow I'm in an all day praise and worship training seminar or whatever you call it. Should be singing a lot of gospel and contemporary praise songs. Sunday I'm taking care of my grandson's while my daughter runs a mini-marathon in Chicago. Think I'll take some food along tomorrow since I don't know what's being planned for meals.I can usually find something at my daughter's. She doesn't keep treats in the house either. Have a great weekend everyone.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Doubts and Fears

Saturday, June 13, 2009   Doubts and Fears :crying:     I was up a good part of last night questioning myself, afraid of going through surgery, afraid of all the food restrictions following surgery and the thought of a restricted diet the rest of my life. I'm afraid of some unidentified heart problem causing blood pressure or heart rate problems during surgery. There were a few questionable things but nothing severe in all the tests I had. Those things will hopefully disappear along with the weight. I've been through many surgeries and never had a problem, but I've never weighed this much before either.   My Bible was open to Matthew 6: 25-28, and I read it several times trying to find either reassurance or a definite "No.!" from God. So I'm not supposed to worry about what I will eat or drink or my body and what I will wear. At first I thought, "So if I'm totally trusting God I wouldn't have this food problem or need this surgery?" Which is my old guilt-ridden way of thinking. Then I thought, "I'm not supposed to worry about the food after the surgery, or my body during the surgery. God's going to take care of me." I believe he will honor my decision to do something to jumpstart my body and brain's recovery from food addiction.   This morning I sat down with my husband and together we went over the diet in its various stages that I'll have to follow. It's manageable with his help. He asked what he could do if he saw me making a bad choice. I asked him to just come up to me and give me a hug. I think most of the time, that's all I'll need
 

Saboteur-Perfectionism

Wednesday, July 29, 2009   Saboteur-Perfectionism     Perfectionism can sabotage compulsive overeaters very quickly. As I read the posts of other bandsters I can see people sabotaging themselves, beating themselves up, setting themselves up for failure, because they were less than perfect in their adherance to a food protocol. Many bandsters are able to relax with their bands and trust the bands. But not those going through band or bandster hell--that time when their bands have not yet been filled enough to create the restriction they need, and they're trying desperately to maintain the food protocol and lose weight using all the tricks that never worked for them in the past--at least not for long.   I've been losing weight while I wait for my first fill on August 11, but it's slowed way down. I told myself that it was good enough not to gain during this time. I've also given myself the accountability of writing in this blog every night and I think that really helps. I'm very aware of the trap of perfectionism and am trying to avoid it.   There are some posts from people in bandster hell that are almost despairing. They were so excited by the weight loss they experienced while on the liquid portion of the food protocol and are now utterly dismayed that as their eating returned to normal their weight loss has stopped. I particularly feel sorry for those who've had several fills and are not yet experiencing restriction.   I also see the addiction to weighing every day on the scale and how a normal variation in weight that causes a temporary small gain can sabotage them. Most times its just water weight from PMS or traveling in a car, but it sends them into a tizzy.   One bandster unexpectedly reached goal when her Dr. looked at her and told her to not pay attention to the BMI guidelines. She hadn't lost in a couple of months and was despairing of reaching a healthy BMI. Fortunately her Dr. looked at her and not at the charts. The woman is 175 lbs but wears a size 8 or 10. She has to be a beanpole and very tall or very muscular to weigh that much and wear that small a size. Or maybe she has thick legs. But she went from a size 26 to a size 8 and she was beating herself up for not being able to lose the last 7 or 8 lbs to reach a "normal" BMI.   Various people were posting about their BMI's (Body Mass Index) and whether they wanted to go for the "normal" BMI or the BMI Weight Watchers has said is the "healthiest." Thank God my Dr. never mentioned my BMI. He just eyeballed me and said, "Based on your age and your height you probably ought to go for about 170 lbs." I was so relieved. That'll put me in a size 14 or 12 which I am perfectly happy to wear. I feel great at that weight and look fine. I have no desire to be skinny.   Trying to look perfect was what got me started dieting when I wasn't even fat and led to the cycle of binge/purge(diet) that screwed up my metabolism and got me fat in the first place. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.   There was only ever one human being that did life perfectly and I'm not he. I'm me. And I'm loved for the Cheri I've been, the Cheri I'm becoming, and the Cheri I will be when all my warts and peccadillos and struggles aren't eliminated, but are transformed into something beautiful when he comes for me. None of this nonsense about food and weight and being perfect is going to amount to a hill of beans when he gathers me up in his arms and holds me and calls me his precious child.
 

Cheri and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Friday, July 10, 2009   Cheri and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day     Let's just summarize the day this way. My mom broke her patella (knee cap) in a fall yesterday (actually 2 days ago. I just looked at the clock) while she was with me, but we didn't know it at first because she could walk, so did not take her immediately to the hospital and went home instead. My dad and I got into a control contest and ended up yelling at each other. Not my best moment or his either.   In addition my car needs major work and we're deciding what we can actually afford to do: repair it for more than its worth, buy a used car with just as many miles and pay twice the repair cost of my car, buy a more recent used car with less miles and double that price, or buy a new car and double it again. We may even choose to drop to one car since I'm the only one holding down a job in this economy. My husband was forced to take early retirement.   Meanwhile, we're getting estimates and putting together a game plan for just about gutting our finished basement to get rid of the mold and fixing the water problem with permaseal. The smell downstairs is awful.   It was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.   I'm aware that I'm going to once again have to deal with issues that go back more than half a century and that I have no doubt have contributed to my eating disorder. I have some real unresolved anger issues I need to work through.   The good news is, I'm going through all this without overeating. I may actually be feeling and reacting more viscerally than usual because I'm not numbing the feelings with food. I haven't been this hopping mad in a long time.   It could be worse. My sister lost her job yesterday, and her husband has run out of unemployment from his job loss. They still have three young children at home.   So where is God in all this? I remember when I was going through a divorce and I would hear well-meaning people say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." First of all, I don't believe God is the source of the evil things that happen in this world. Secondly, I know I didn't handle all the crap that went on at that time. I couldn't even fathom it all. But I never felt so loved and cared for or had such a sense of trust that I would be provided for--and I was. I tell people that I've changed that horrible saying to, "God doesn't allow more to happen to you than what he can handle." Because I didn't handle that bad time at all. He did.   One thing I know I did at that time was to totally let go and let God. I didn't have the mental, psychological, or financial resources to deal with anything. I had all I could do to put one foot in front of the other. God took care of everything.   And maybe that's where I need to be right now. I do believe in doing the footwork and letting God take care of the results. But lately I haven't even known what footwork I should be doing, especially with the basement and the car. We've been hit with one expense after the other and increasingly less income to pay for them.   So, although I'm not going to stop doing the footwork, I am going to really have to let go and let God. I need to totally trust him with the results.   I need to thank him everyday for the food on my table (and my newfound ability to not stuff myself with it), for the roof over my head (even though it leaks), for the clothes on my back (even though they're starting to fall off me) and the shoes on my feet (which other than my flip-flops are pretty much reduced to a black pair of tennis shoes which look really funny with my summer capris.)   God is good all the time. All the time God is good.
 

God's Gift of Music

Friday, August 21, 2009   God's Gift of Music     I love to sing. I'm a competent singer. A good choir voice. I can hear harmonies and read harmonies. I'd never embarass myself by going on American or any other Idol. I have a lot of volume in the lower registers and I can sing soprano falsetto. This comes in handy when I sing along with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons my "song"--Cheri baby.   I don't have a solo voice and I have absolutely no vibrato. My voice has a tendency to crack every once in a while like a teenage boy's voice, right in the middle of a note. I think I damaged my vocal chords yelling too much as a kid. I have to be very careful forcing my voice or I'll end up with a coughing fit. Yet I sing every chance I can get.   Today I went to a special choir practice and my voice really worked for me once it warmed up. I got to sing tenor which I seldom am needed to do, but its probably the best range for my voice. I can't wait for my regular church choir to get started singing. We sing twice a month and I've missed it over the summer. I'm also singing a song with a mass choir of fellow college alumni at Navy Pier in October. How cool is that!   Just think how many singers would never get an opportunity to use their voices if it weren't for church choirs and praise teams. Just think how much less music there would be in the world if it weren't for Christianity and those who celebrate their faith in song.   When I'm singing hymns and praise songs and gospel songs, I don't think about eating at all. When we do worship on Sunday morning, I am always filled with such joy and gladness, sorrow for sin, and hope for eternity. I connect with God on a very visceral level. I move with the music and my whole being comes alive with praise.   I heard some old curmudgeon say that music has become idolatry in church, that we worship the music. He's probably not very musical. I always feel like I'm most connected to God when I'm singing. Music leads and points the way to God.   Listening to incredibly beautiful voices soaring in harmony or alone can bring me to tears and I worship the one who gave us such incredible gifts. Art can do the same thing to me.   I've also written two songs, or should I say they wrote themselves and I woke up with them. Now that was a shock. Especially the first time it happened. I'm used to my husband waking up with songs and following me around the house and even into the bathroom singing them to me before I've even had a chance to clear my throat. So when I woke up with a song, I couldn't wait for him to wake up! Payback time!   Actually, that first time, I woke up with the melody and was trying to think what song it was, because I often wake up with songs in my head, and then I started hearing the harmony and after playing it for my husband on the piano, realized I'd composed it and hadn't heard it anywhere else. A few days later the words started coming. Everytime I thought I was done writing the words and would get up to clean the house, a new verse would come to me and I'd have to sit down to type it out. It was like trying to get out of the bathroom when you have the stomach flu.   The songs were praise songs. One is supposed to someday be performed by my church choir (Living Springs Community Church). The other one may be performed by the Roseland Christian School choir. The director there really likes the song.   I'm 57 years old. Writing songs was not a gift that I knew I had. To have it come out now and to have some very talented choir directors like them and work on arranging them astonished me.   God is full of surprises like that. He likes to give us good gifts. He wants to make use of our gifts. Sometimes he awakens gifts we didn't even know we had.   The second song God gave me this past spring. It's based on Phillipians 4:11-13. It's been a mainstay for me while going through lapband surgery and making the lifestyle changes to accompany it. It also plays through my head when I smell my rotten moldy basement that we won't be using for a year or two while we slowly renovate.   It plays through my head when I think of how the funding to keep me in my job might not be available next year, that the new vendor might not want to employ me. It plays through my head when I'm stuck at home all the time because we've no money to go anywhere or buy anything.   These are the words:   Don't wanna be a superstar Don't need to drive a brand new car I am content   Yes, I am content no matter what my circumstance I am content no matter what my lot. I know what it means to live in want or have plenty. I know the secret of being content Is I can do all things Through him who strengthens me. Yes, I can do all things Through him who strengthens me.   Don't need to have a mansion or wear the latest fashion I am content.   Yes, I am content, etc.
 

Wow!

Sunday, June 28, 2009   Wow!     Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time.   I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!"   No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health.   So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like.   Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting.   You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves.   And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever.   Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others.   Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems.   Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.
 

Banding Our Heads

Monday, July 20, 2009   Banding Our Heads     Bandsters have a saying, "If only they could band our heads." They refer to cravings as "head hunger." Over and over they talk about how the lap band is only a tool. Instead of diets, the lap band helps us initiate a lifestyle change. Some still measure, keep food diaries and plans, count calories or carbs or proteins or points, at least during the times they're struggling. But the goal is lifestyle change. Making healthy choices. Not being ruled by food.   Someday, maybe soon, they'll come up with a pill that helps with the head hunger. They're working on it. Until then, we use whatever tools work for us. The lap band is a big one. An amazing number of people are having various forms of weight loss surgery. Like me, they're desperate. Everything else has failed for them. I look at the ads Google puts on my blog page. Some of those things are legitimate. Many are quick fixes that don't work long term. Just the titles make me laugh.   Hope springs eternal, so people continue to try the latest diet fad. What's ironic is that our obsession with weight and dieting is killing us. It's making us fat. It screws up our metabolisms. We end up with metabolic sydrome--insulin resistance--which leads to high blood pressure, high cholesterol and triglycerides, and diabetes.   It would be a whole lot better for us if we all remained a little overweight than if we start the cycle of dieting and gaining the weight back. We weren't meant to stay teenager thin. How ironic that with women we have a cultural obsession to be thinner than women have ever been, yet obesity is reaching epidemic proportions. Forget swine flu or SARs. This is the real epidemic. And its a killer.   As a country we tend to think education can cure anything. I'm sure our already over-burdened educational system is going to be expected to start teaching eating disorders prevention, or nutritional health along with drug prevention and violence prevention and self-esteem lessons. But most of us who are compulsive eaters could get jobs as nutritionists. We have tons of nutritional education yet remain addicted to food. Education is not the cure.   Most of the food industry experiments with products and additives and supersizing and taste sensations just to get us to eat more so they'll profit more. Wouldn't surprise me if the same companies are also heavily invested in weight loss products. It's like the women's magazine covers. There's always a picture of someone who lost weight and a picture of a chocolate cake. What a schizophrenic society we live in.   For me, the biggest resource is God. These blogs are letters to him as well as to myself and whoever else out there is reading them. Essentially, I'm looking at every aspect of my life that contributes to the addiction problem and laying it out before him. Its a way for me to work the 12 steps of any good addiction recovery program.   The band is a tool to control the outward sign of this addiction. But real recovery comes with God's help, working the steps.   1. I'm admitting that I'm powerless over food and its making my life unmanageable. 2 I believe that only a power greater than myself (God) can restore me to sanity. 3. I turn my will and my life over to the care of that higher power. 4. I'm making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. 5. I'm admitting to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. 6. I'm becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. I'm humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings. 8. I've made a list of all the people I've harmed, and am becoming willing to make amends to them all. 9. I'm making dirct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. 10 I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong promptly admit it. 11 I seek through prayer and meditation (and Bible reading) to improve my conscious contact with God and seek only knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this message to other food addicts and to practice these principles in all my affairs.
 

More Cause for Rejoicing

Sunday, September 13, 2009   More Cause for Rejoicing     Lost 2 more pounds. I had a feeling I was about to lose it. My band is looser and I'm feeling less restriction. That's because the fat pad around the stomach that the band rests on is shrinking. But my scale was not yet showing it because fat weight is often replaced temporarily by water weight. So I've now lost 42 lbs.   So now I've got to be careful till my next fill. I have to go in for my three month check-up. I'll try to coordinate a fill to go with it. I really need some new clothes. Fall clothes. I'm going to have to run to a thrift shop. Hopefully next week won't be so crazy busy. I hate shopping, especially at thrift shops.   I spent most of today playing outdoors with my grandsons. Beautiful day. Beautiful kids. This was definitely a day that the Lord made, and I rejoiced in it.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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The Cost of Food Addiction

Monday, June 15, 2009   The Cost of Food Addiction     Sometimes I kid myself and think the only person I've hurt with my addiction is myself. My life so often consists of helping everyone else. How can I be hurting them?   Food is a barrier to intimacy. I don't talk while I eat. I'm totally absorbed in my food, which I devour like someone might take it away before I'm done. I just might stick them with a fork if they tried. I stand and stare at food which I want to eat but know I shouldn't. I leave conversations at parties in order to go snatch a little more food. I open and shut cabinets and refrigerator doors hoping there will be something in there that will quell the restlessness of ADHD but have no caloric impact. Fat chance.   Food has robbed the people around me of my presence and also of funds that could have been spent on things like home improvement and vacations. I don't want to even begin to tally up the costs, not only of excess food, but of medicine for conditions created or exacerbated by overweight, as well as over-the-counter supplements to try to prevent me from eating or to counter-balance the ill effects of overeating. I've spent money at weight watchers and Jenny Craig. I may have helped the economy but I robbed my family.   The epidemic of obesity in this country has raised the cost of insurance for everyone else astronomically. You're paying for my obesity.   Insurance companies don't make it easy to get this surgery. Personally, I think they might save money in the long run if they made it more available to those who are pre-morbidly obese, who have not yet become physically handicapped, diabetic, or had debilitating heart attacks or strokes, before the counter is lined by medicines needed to counteract the effects of obesity.   Nutritionists, weight-loss gurus, magazines, self-help groups, and Oprah all bombard us with information about the dangers of overeating and how we should eat, but that doesn't stop the compulsion and it hasn't even slowed down the epidemic. At the nutrition classes I was required to attend prior to surgery, I knew the answer to every question the nutritionist posed. Knowledge is not always power. Oprah, herself, is living proof. Even with her own pet nutritionists and work-out gurus, the weight came back.   I believe that I'm going to cost my family and the insurance company a lot less in the future. The Lord willing I'll be able to be there for my grandchildren, I'll be able to keep teaching full time, I'll be better off financially, I'll actually look at and talk to my husband while I eat, I'll feel better, look better, move better, and not make a meal out of pills. I'll be able to be the best Cheri God created me to be, the person he made me to be from the beginning.
 

Dealing with Snack Foods

Tuesday, August 4, 2009   Dealing with Snack Foods     Snack Foods. The perfect food for ADHD people. Grab and go. Don't have to cook, put together ingredients, shop for those ingredients, remember which ingredients to shop for. They're full of all the taste and flavor (mostly artificial) ADHD people crave. They provide the stimulation we seek when the TV shows don't cut it all by themselves (most don't).   They also provide the majority of the salt, sugar, and fat that shoot up our blood sugar, cholesterol and blood pressure.   Just thought of something slightly amusing--or maybe alarming. My name starts with ch and so do many of my favorite snacks: cheetos, chocolate, chips (taco, potato, pita).   It is so much easier for me not to eat them now that they're not in my house and my husband's not eating them in front of me. He might have a secret stash hidden somewhere but I never see it and he never eats it in front of me.   America's food industry, like the tobacco and alcohol industries, has a lot to answer for. All of them know they're dealing with addictive substances and do their best to make them even more addictive with chemically designed addictive additives in addition to those old standbyes--salt, carbs and fat. Oh, and let's not forget chocolate and caffeine being increased and put in all kinds of new products.   Many are designed to appeal to children and teenagers. Did you know a lot of teenagers are now having lapbands? The obesity epidemic is out of control among our young people. I see the food parents put in their kids lunches or that kids pack for themselves. Some start hauling snacks out of their lunch bags and backpacks as soon as they arrive at school. Those with healthy snacks trade with those with all the unhealthy snacks.   Schools are eliminating snacks from their cafeterias and vending machines, but the kids just carry them with them. I don't have an answer for this dilemma. I am nutritionally quite well-educated. Didn't stop me from eating snacks.   The best advice I get on the topic is don't expose yourself to the snacks. Keep them out of the house. Ask people not to eat them in front of you. In situations where exposure is unavoidable, it might be better to eat just a little bit of those things that most appeal to you than to ruin your good time spending all your effort not eating those things. Fortunately, I've got the lapband to let me know when I've had enough. Especially if I start with higher protein items the band will help me limit the snacks. The key will be to get right back on the food protocol once the party's over.   Right now, I don't have a lot of restriction and have slowed way down on weight loss. I have a family reunion this weekend. All my siblings and some nieces and nephews and their children (along with my own children and grandchildren) will be together. Food will be a big part of the reunion.   So, for three days before the reunion I'm eating protein almost exclusively, a protein shake for breakfast, meat for lunch, and meat and a veggie for supper, with milk in my iced latte in-between meals. I noticed yesteday already that when I just eat meat without a lot of moistening agents, I can still feel some restriction in my band. I already lost 2 lbs. That puts me at 30 lbs total weight loss. When the weekend is over, I'll probably go back on high protein until I get my first fill on August 11. I'll probably be back on a liquid protein diet for a few days after that, so my stomach can heal. That should jumpstart the weight loss again. I hope the Dr. puts in enough fill to give me restriction. Otherwise I'll go back 2 or 3 weeks after to get another one.   I have few clothes that fit me. I'm going through my closets trying to decide what's worth taking in, which of my "skinny" fat clothes fit me now, and what to give to Goodwill. I've started going to thrift stores, since I will not be at this weight for very long and don't want to spend money on clothes. I can't buy ahead because I don't know how fast the weight will come off.   But these are good problems to have. I've dropped one cholesterol med and one blood pressure med. I'm seeing if I can do without my stomach med since I ran out of it and won't be seeing my regular doc for 2 more weeks.   I get to see my relatives this weekend and I'm not going to worry about food!   God is good all the time. All the time God is good.
 

Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators

Saturday, June 27, 2009   Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators     Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is.   Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food.   Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not.   Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest.   In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD.   For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate.   This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it.   Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.
 

Trimming the Fat

Tuesday, September 22, 2009   Trimming the Fat     Well, what can I say. I'm back at work full blast. I see kids before school and a large number of kids after school in order to bring up the number of contacts with the kids, both for their sake and for mine. If they qualify, I can see them 5x a week for math, 5x for reading. But fitting that many contacts into the school day is extremely difficult, especially with a lot of the scheduling changes to accommodate the smaller population at RCS. But my program brings in money based on the number of contacts I have with the kids. Also, the kids really need the extra help.   I'm really glad I have the weight off, or I would never be able to handle that many straight periods of teaching. I think I teach for 10 or 11 periods a day. Then I go home and eat and then try over the next 2 hours to get out and walk for at least an hour. I check out Facebook and Lapbandtalk, play a little Mafia Wars while I watch a little TV. I think about writing in my blog--and sometimes I still do--then I go to bed.   Food is going well despite loss of restriction. I can't get in to get a fill until Oct. 27. So I'm back dieting until then. That's a royal pain. It was so nice knowing the band wasn't going to let me overeat. Now its hanging on by my fingernails time again.   One thing thats actually helping right now is the fact that I've divested myself of all church commitments except for choir. I spend time with my grandchildren, but other than that I haven't much of a life. I'm not a phone person, so spend very little time talking to people. The lack of things to do, instead of always running, actually allows me some structure and predictability in my life--especially my evenings, which is a friend to dealing with food. My days have never been that much of a problem because work has a routine. It's always been evenings and weekends that the food gets out of control because there are no routines to act a external controls.   I feel like God is preparing me for something. I just don't know what. I think about getting involved with certain things and then I think--do I really want to? I'm becoming somewhat reclusive, a loner, in my personal life. I think I appear gregarious in public but there's always a certain level of discomfort in a public setting. Will I put my foot in my mouth? Will I talk more than I should? Will I accidentally hurt someone's feelings? Will I get pulled into gossip? Will I express myself poorly and will someone take what I said the wrong way and try to cause trouble for me? Will I unknowingly lose a friendship?   Those are the fears of an ADHD adult woman. Fears founded in reality for all those things have happened to me. Frequently.   I still chat on lapbandtalk. I've poured out a lot of myself into this blog. I respond to other's comments on Facebook, but have very little to say myself. I'm running out of words for this blog. I've been emptied in some ways. As the food takes more of a back seat in my life, and I run out of words, and the committments to all but family have been dropping away, I'm wondering what's going to replace it.   Even my job could end after this year. I can feel myself withdrawing slightly from all the things I did at RCS-letting go of RCS' future. I've planted a lot of seeds, now its in other's hands. I'm seeing the fruit of some of those seeds which makes me feel incredibly humble that God has used and is continuing to use those ideas.   God is changing me. Removing baggage. Trimming the fat (LOL) in more ways than one. I'm waiting for the next great passion to hit. The thing that will grab me and motivate me and give me vision and trigger my problem solving ideas. If I could get paid for having ideas, I'd be rich.   By the way, I'm up to a 44 lb weight loss. That leaves 26 to go.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Trivia

Monday, June 29, 2009   Trivia     Lost between 15-20 lbs.   Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food.   Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out.   Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon.   Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein.   Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight.   Feel free to fart frequently
 

10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years

Monday, September 14, 2009   10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years     Talked with my 7th grade girls group about the 10,10,10 principle, which is a way of helping you make decisions. We make decisions just about every moment and we need to ask ourselves what would the results be, good and bad, 10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, and 10 years from now.   I thought about how that applied to food and how something that looks good right now and would satisfy our craving right now (or maybe not) ends up cumulatively as weight gain 10 months down the road which 10 years down the road puts us on the path of high blood pressure, high, cholesterol, high blood sugar, and prone to heart disease, strokes, Alzheimers, breast and colon cancer, Dr.s' bills, food bills, wardrobe bills, loss of income from not being able to work as well or at all, shame, etc.,etc., etc.   Of course, for my kids, the consequences of bad decisions now, like just going outside and walking around at night in high risk neighborhoods, can be fatal. Told them I didn't want to be visiting their graves, or their jail cells, or them struggling to raise 3 babies from 3 different fathers.   None of them thinks any of that could ever happen to them, but they were almost all telling about dangerous situations with kids showing them guns, bangers trying to sweet talk them, predators trying to talk them into their vehicles, and they find it very exciting.   The part of their brain that foresees the potential consequences of their actions is not fully developed until the mid-20s, but stupid actions we all took when we were young didn't usually have the severe consequences that my 7th graders are more likely to experience. Some of these consequences for bad choices didn't exist. HIV, getting shot, crack cocaine, meth--its not like there weren't drugs available but they weren't so instantly addictive. Teenage pregnancy existed but it wasn't as widespread, nor was it an accepted way of life.   I'm hoping to give these kids a tool, 10-10-10 to get these kids to think beyond immediate gratification.   10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, 10 years from now. Puts things in perspective. For me, for them.  
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

A Relative Thing

Thursday, August 6, 2009   A Relative Thing     I'm going to be with my brothers and sisters, mom and dad, and other assorted relatives over the next few days. I'm looking forward to it. It was one of those spontaneous get-togethers my family does, a couple relatives going to be in the area, so a few others decided to come, too.   I've been doing a high protein very low carb diet for 3 days in order to jumpstart my weightloss. I'd stalled while waiting for my first fill in my band (Aug. 11). I wasn't gaining and was losing very slowly but I wanted to see if I could feel any restriction from my band and eating mostly meat is supposed to do that. It did. I had to eat the meat very slowly and even stop for a few minutes in order to be able to continue eating a decent quantity.   I wanted to feel free to not worry about the food while with my relatives. The band will still give me some restriction; I've dropped a few more pounds, and varying my food actually keeps me from getting bored or feeling deprived. I'll keep protein first, but allow myself a little of this and a little of that and not feel guilty. My plan is to go back on the high protein afterwards until my fill on the 11th. I suspect I won't have to worry about restriction for a while after that. All I'll have to do to feel restriction will be to go on an almost all meat diet for a few days. I love meat but I can't ever pig out on it again.   It'll be interesting to see what it'll be like to not be totally about the food while around my family. Its supposed to thunderstorm so we'll all be indoors together in a relatively small cottage and I won't have food to protect me. I will have grandchildren there and as I talked about yesterday, they can keep me totally occupied. I frequently spell their various parents and take over watching one or two of them so my kids can mingle with their cousins.   Today I took care of my two grandsons. I spent 4 hours putting together the wooden Thomas railroad for Joshua and a complex geotrax train system for David while Joshua slept. David and I played trains for a long time. I showed him how to switch tracks to not always successfully avoid collisions between our two trains. I was sore from bending over the tracks for so long but I was so completely absorbed in creating the system that I had no trouble not eating.   That's what I need to do for the next couple of days--become so completely absorbed in the people around me that I don't even think about eating. It's part of developing that mindfulness and choosing to be present that food insulated me from in the past.   I won't be posting the next couple nights unless an issue comes up that I really need to deal with.   The Lord watch between me and thee while I am gone. I have no idea where I heard that, I think its Irish, and I think its cool.
 

Coping Without Food

Saturday, June 20, 2009   Coping Without Food     Today, for the first time this summer, we needed our air-conditioning. It was out of freon. We paid twice the normal rate to have someone fill it. We ran out again. We will probably need to replace the air-conditioner for which we have no money.   We also need to dig up either the inside of our basement or the outside to put in draintile. All the basement paneling needs to be thrown out. The hidden walls are a mess as is the cement floor (we threw out the linoleum.) We were flooded twice last year in August and in November. The basement reeks and is basically unusable.   My husband lost his job a year ago and just now started receiving Social Security from taking early retirement. So far that money has been taken up by emergencies like the pothole that caused major damage to the car.   I'm also making less money due to the economy.   And so it goes. We're not unique; many people are struggling. I keep having to remember to thank God for the roof over my head (even though it leaks), the clothes on my back, the shoes on my feet, and the food on my table (even though I can't eat it right now.)   And I am physically incapable of turning to food to help me get through this. I have no choice but to deal with these things without turning to food.   I'm currently on clear liquids which provide very little nourishment and which I have to sip in unbelievably small sips in order to not incur pretty severe pain going up my esophagus.   Missed going to a party today because of the pain. But I took a long walk this morning, by the forest preserve, and saw a deer (which I love as long as they're not in my yard eating my flowers. I lost a bed of lilies.)   And so it goes. Back in April I woke up with a song based on Phillipians 4:10-13.   The words are: Don't wanna be a superstar, don't need to drive a brand new car Don't need to own a mansion, or wear the latest fashion Don't wanna be a poor man, but don't need to be a rich man For I am content, no matter what my circumstance I am content, no matter what my lot I know what it means to live in want or have plenty I know the meaning of being content is That I can do all things through him who strengthens me Yes! I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

October--Tricks and Treats

Saturday, October 31, 2009   October--Tricks and Treats     Halloween. Tricks and treats. My daughter had a party for a few couples before they and their kids all went trick or treating. My husband and I also attended. I came early to take my grandson David to his indoor soccer game first. David has just turned 5 and just still makes this age group for soccer. He stands a head taller than everyone else. Hysterical. David kicking the ball the wrong way. David, laying down and refusing to get up. David wanting to leave to get a drink of water in the middle of the game--which I could tell by his cheeks he really needed. David refusing to leave the floor when it was his turn to sit out. David looking everywhere but at the ball. David pushing the other kids.   David is mildly autistic and I'm sure most parents had no idea why this big tall kid was being such a pain. I had to walk out onto the floor several times to say to him quietly that he might not get to go trick or treating. Last year my daughter had the coaches permission to stay on the floor with him all the time.   He needs the exposure to these situations and the exercise is good for him, but you could just see the processing delays on verbal instructions. Poor kid.   However, when he got home his friends came over and then he got to be "Octopus Prime" (aka Optimus Prime from Transformers) and go trick or treating.   He handled being with his friends and trick or treating just fine. But the number of people and the noise level and activity of the soccer game were too much for him.   His "Octopus" Prime reminded me of a kindergartner I heard singing at school Friday (to the tune of Michael Jackson's Thriller) "Gorilla! Gorilla night!" Picture Gorillas dancing like the zombies in the video.   I have to admit I ate several small chocolate candy bars at my daughter's. She had a lot of slider appetizers and I ate some of that without putting it on crackers or tortilla chips and didn't pig out. But I couldn't resist the chocolate bars. I haven't had chocolate bars in months.   I'm glad Halloween is over. Next big temptation--Thanksgiving. I have several weeks to recover from October, which contained a 125th Anniversary celebration for Roseland Christian School where I teach, a 40th high school reunion, my college's 50th anniversary celebration at Navy Pier in downtown Chicago, 2 two-day conferences, 2 retreats, David's 5th birthday party at Chucky Cheese, and Halloween. I'm happy and consider it somewhat of a miracle to have lost 4 lbs this past month.   My fill seems to work well to limit all foods except slider foods. So hopefully November will be mostly slider free.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

To Lose or not to Lose, That is the Question

Wednesday, November 4, 2009     My grandson, Josh, is doing a little better today. Still in pain and very cranky. I just hope he hasn't given himself the start of some major neck problems.   I had a good food day and walked very briskly for an hour again. I lost my Halloween weight but I've been struggling with that 2 or 3 lbs for awhile. I found it really hard to get back on my food protocol this time. I had a lot of sugar and chocolate for a few days--less than in the past but it still probably whacked out my insulin because the cravings have been bad.   In addition people are hinting that my weight is now about just right for my build and age. I'm 183 lbs., 5'9", 57 yrs old. I'm looking really good. I feel great. I've upped the intensity of my walkout. Can't believe how fast I can walk now and how much ground I can cover.   My Dr. suggested 170 lbs as my goal. I settled on 167 lbs because that's exactly 70 lbs. off. It's very tempting to stop losing now. I'm thin enough to look good in my clothes and I'll never look good without them so I'm suddenly not sure I want to keep losing weight. However, every lb. off is more weight off my back and hips and knees and feet.   I still struggle with arthritis. I have to sit a long time after a walk and I never stop really hurting. It's better and I'm moving much more freely, but I'd like to be even free-er. Hanging upside down on my inversion table helps.   I miss the sun. I can see the sunlight from m window during the day but by the time I leave the school the sun is gone. I'm still able to walk outside but I'm not looking forward to moving indoors. My treadmill is in my stinky basement and walking round and round a track at the community center doesn't offer much of a view. Being outside exercising helps me so much with both depression and ADHD which helps me deal with the food. Indoor exercise is just not the same.   Ah well. I'll survive.   I've lost this much weight before but I've always gained it back. Eventually, the thought of trying to lose weight, only to face the prospect of gaining it all back was so discouraging I didn't even want to try. I'm getting close to the maintenance point. I'd like to make it a sticking point. In the past I didn't have the band as a tool. Now I do.   The part of my brain that's missing when it comes to knowing when to stop eating now has the assistance of my band.   Thank God for my band. Eating triggers my addiction, yet I have to eat to live. For whatever reason, God has chosen not to take away this thorn in the flesh. But he has allowed me to acquire a tool in my battle.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
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